So I'm having a bit of an issue and am in need of some advice. This is going to be a bit long, but I like adding details.

Through an ultimatum, I told my family to either respect me, my gender, and who I am or remove themselves from my life. Harsh but I'm tired of the way they've consistently treated me since coming out as trans. Some removed themselves but more of them are doing as I asked to stay in my life. So now they're getting used to my gender but my sexuality is something I'm considering telling them and don't know if I should.

Basically my moms side has rammed into my head, since I could remember, that as a black man I can't be gay or bi. I was raised to know black men are not gay, black men are not bi, and black men are not feminine. I can't control my sexuality though and finally, through years of repressing that side of me and an old co-worker/buddy(/crush tbh), I have come to terms with the fact that I am bisexual.

So I want to tell my family one day. But they really are not okay with that. The gender part they can oddly take. But I think telling them my sexuality will be too much. I don't want to lose what family I have left but I am growing tired of constantly having to openly deny being attracted to men by them. I feel like I'm going to slip at the wrong time. Especially since they're now asking about who I like since I accidentally answered my aunt honestly when asked if I was crushing on someone out here and told her his name by accident, but luckily it's gender neutral. I will be seeing them at a gathering on the 4th most likely, so this might be the last time I see almost all of them for a long time.

So I am really asking if I should even tell them. Should I just hide it and hope I end up with a woman so I don't have to tell them? I feel I will end up with a woman, but I'm young and know that could easily change. Or should I wait and tell them later on? Like I'm really lost with this. I don't know if I should tell them or not and even how.

I think this is something you can take your time with -- no need to rush into it.  I have an idea of how this may feel: for me, anyway, there have been times when disclosing has felt so liberating that I just want to do more of it, even if I haven't really thought through the reasons for disclosing in a particular situation. So I've learned to be a bit careful when I find myself wanting to rush to give someone personal information.

Keep in mind, too, that you're young yet, and your own sense of your sexuality may still evolve. Not saying you don't know your own mind, but for one thing, you haven't been on T all that long, and that seems to change things for some people.  If you're bi at this point, that's great -- it shows you're a very open person who's attracted to people based on who they are as whole humans!

It may also be a good idea to let your family adjust for a while to the you they're starting to see. And good for you, by the way, for standing up for yourself! Well done.

Agree with Tysilio. Take your time with it. The gender discussion alone is a lot for family members to take in often times, and too much information at once may cause them issues.

Personally, I wouldn't have any kind of sexuality discussion with my family unless I actively had a partner of the same gender that things were getting serious with (getting serious as in dating for 6+ months, considering moving in together, etc.). As much as it is nice to just be who you are, I don't see a point in rocking the boat without cause.

I guess I should do that then and stay silent for the time being. Until then I won't lie and say what they say isn't draining me to deny, so any advice there in terms of getting them to be quiet or something?

I would just deflect it. There's really no point in bringing it up, so if they do, I would just say that you've moved on from whoever you had a crush on and leave it at that.

Alright, I'll try to do that and hope it works with my family. They aren't exactly the most accepting/"lets go with it" people in the world.

Also, at Tysilio, thanks for the kind words. Really needed that as my days haven't been the best recently.

You might tell prying family members that they shouldn't ask who you are crushing on if they don't want to hear the answer, too.

Have you ever read Keith Boykin's memoir, One More River To Cross: Black & Gay In America? He talks a lot about dealing with family. I think you might relate.

I've read that telling the whole fam at a holiday gathering is NOT the recommended way to come out, so cool your jets, buckeroo. I personally told family members one by one. That mostly worked except when some family members forbade me to tell certain others. Often children will assume their parents "can't take it" and they're wrong, old people know more about this sexual orientation stuff than anybody. Unless you know for a fact Great Aunt Fanny is a bigot she's probably more okay with it than Uncle Fester, who is trying to make you promise not to tell.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on July 04, 2016, 06:47:39 AM
You might tell prying family members that they shouldn't ask who you are crushing on if they don't want to hear the answer, too.

Have you ever read Keith Boykin's memoir, One More River To Cross: Black & Gay In America? He talks a lot about dealing with family. I think you might relate.

I've read that telling the whole fam at a holiday gathering is NOT the recommended way to come out, so cool your jets, buckeroo. I personally told family members one by one. That mostly worked except when some family members forbade me to tell certain others. Often children will assume their parents "can't take it" and they're wrong, old people know more about this sexual orientation stuff than anybody. Unless you know for a fact Great Aunt Fanny is a bigot she's probably more okay with it than Uncle Fester, who is trying to make you promise not to tell.

Well that's why I'm a bit concerned. When I first told my mom and granma about me they told everyone else the same day. I was getting bombarded by phone calls asking if it was true by aunts, uncles, cousins, and relatives I haven't heard from in two years that are suddenly "so concerned for your wellbeing". I know if I tell one, that one will tell two. Those two will tell two each. If I told them on a Monday, the entire family will know by Tuesday afternoon.

I haven't seen them this 4th and that book look very familiar, I'll look into it and see if I can check it out at a library or something.

Either way I'll just stay shut for now. I really avoided everyone this year as it'll be a obvious confused mix of people who don't know who Chris is and why I'm being called Chris and will want to know why my brother refers to me as his brother and I don't have the mental stability to possibly handle it all at once.