This was the week I came out. I posted about that elsewhere. This post is more about how I am feeling afterwards.
I am out to three people now: my wife, my next door neighbour, and my older brother. Well, five, since neighbour and brother will have told their partners. I am okay with that: they are good people and I can trust them. No more daydreaming: there is no taking it back now. It's out there; it's real.
My wife isn't good at sharing her feelings unless she's mad, so I did a little digging to see how she's processing it. Surprisingly well, as it turns out. She is talking about of course I should do what I need to do, and of course we'll stay together. I am not going to take anything for granted, but this is good news.
Our neighbour is a sweetheart, and she was very helpful, telling me about local resources (she volunteers for an LGBT program). Mostly, she gave me a pep talk, very reassuring.
I knew that it would be safe to come out to my brother, since he is gay. We live a continent apart, so I sent him my coming out letter by email. Had a very nice reply back from him.
So how am I processing it? I feel lighter. The burden of keeping such a big secret is gone. Yes, I still have to keep it a secret from most people for now, but I don't have to keep it by myself. None of the people I am out to think I am nuts.
If I want to practice walking like a girl, I can, and it doesn't matter if my wife notices. I tried it, and it is amazing how it changes one's mental outlook: a little hip and shoulder action and I feel good!
I am not going to rush things. The next step will be to shave my beard off and start dressing at home, but I am not in a rush to do that. It is more important to get my therapy started, and to avoid freaking out my wife with too much too soon.
In talking to my brother, I asked him if he had any recollection of our mother mentioning taking DES during her pregnancies. He said she had never mentioned any such thing. But, at the time he put her into the hospice, he got to see her medical records, and she had had two miscarriages, one of which was before either of us were born. So, she almost certainly would have been prescribed DES during her pregnancies with us. It makes no difference in the long run, of course, but it is helpful to know that.
So, this week, the world is a less oppressive place. I feel less isolated. I have allies. I have a plan. Cue James Brown: "I Feel Good!"
