I'm a 33 year old...something?   I need help!

I live in an area with some backwards thinking.  To the point that I gave up on the general population where I live.  It is nowhere big that's for sure. 

I want to know the proper terms to identify myself, because I think I suffer from living something i don't know the name of!

I think I am non-binary or androgynous? Let  me explain:

I find the term transgender is a bit over the top for my mentality - that's it - a mentality.

As a child I always hated dresses - when my mother would make me dress up into it, i would act sick, skip school,and throw a fit. 

I hated my long hair.  At the age of 20 I cut it off and never returned, I hate the feeling of it on my neck.

As for body image issues...well kinda hard to have em when your breasts don't grow - I consider them to be big enough for my uses.  I have a genetic disorder where they will only grow after menopause, so honestly it really does not bother me.  If they sagged it would, but I can get away bear chested if i wanted to - men have bigger boobs than I do!  So no, don't feel the need for the sex change.

I hate most women, unless they are online.  I cannot connect with most females if my life depended on it in social situations.  Online I seem to have a good rapport - maybe because they don't meet me? LOL - either way its entertaining.

I consider myself a tomboy.  From as young as I can remember I was a tomboy.  Female interests barely entered my mind.  And it was fine while I was in school and my hair was long - only my parents had to fight with me over the dress at concerts there.

It's when I finished college at 19 - W.T.F?

Honestly, I was just trying to live my life, at least that's how I felt about it.  When I took notice, the entire community had me pegged as a lesbian.

Honestly, nothing has offended me less than this.  It still offends me.  And what I did after that think speaks louder than words:

I went out, pissed off, and said to myself "Lesbian eh?  Ok, lets fix this."  And found the cutest sexiest married man I could find, and slept with him.  And the thing is, due to my physical size, it isn't that hard to attract ANY man even with my ball-cap as part of the costume.  I always knew this - because I befriended many men long before this.  If you are a male, and you are my friend, you probably think I'm normal, and fun to be around.

All that changes however when sexuality enters the picture.  And this is where I've struggled. 

The act of sleeping with a married man did *NOT* remove the label of a lesbian.  In fact, once I defended myself with the story, they made up a story about this man's WIFE instead!  And it didn't help that yes she probably is of the same affliction I am without knowing - but the community TOTALLY MISSED THE POINT.

So, I did it again.  Slightly different order this time, befriended a man whose wife was cheating on him, and sadly I was the one who found out about the affair on the internet.

His wife labeled me a He-woman, once she left yes I slept with him and he was totally ok with it.....UNTIL HIS FAMILY decided I wasn't female enough. 

So, as much as I love men, my preference is men older than myself, this community continues to peg me as a lesbian and honestly I HATE IT.

When they could not peg my sexuality because its a gender issue and not a sexuality issue - according to them well then I took on the classic "Homewrecker" ""Bitch" "Thief" - yes, what does that have to do with it? I have no idea, but someone by my same name appeared on the court docket, and the place went up.  Yep, what they can't call a lesbian here, or gay?  You are a weirdo, thief, bitch, anything but the other two that still fail to describe me!

I am a really frustrated person.  All of these labels, and none of them quite appropriate have been chasing me around for 12 years of my life and its tiring.

When I picture myself - my gender is one of the mind.  I feel i think like a man, I act like a man, heck I've been told I walk like a man.  I express myself like a man...minus the tears of frustration behind years of this ->-bleeped-<- in the community...

But I like men. I have no attraction to women, at this point I've learned to hate most women.

My dress is more or less gender-neutral with a masculine slant. 

I never pictured myself with a child, I try and the picture doesn't fit.  I said in geade 10 i didn't want kids.  Today I am considering getting my tubes tied so I can move on from this stupid menstrual hole I'm in.

I have been doing this since forever.  I don't feel I have the need to come out, I just feel I need to correct a few idiots around me.

So, please help. I have asked my gay friends, my lesbian friends and two trans male friends and i find their answers are not satisfactory.  One expects me to undergo a sex change, which I could care less about, and the gay dude says its not important the label.

Well I think for my sanity, I need a label.  Because I am not "female" but I am "straight". And as I said, it is a mentality - how i view myself, how i perceive myself, my thoughts, my behavior, my psychology.  Its male.  But, I have no trouble with my skinny and slim female body - I kinda like it actually, and its great fun when coming on to men who don't know what to make of me - because in my mind I know exactly what I want and its no different than a full blooded female.

Some men in the beginning love the tomboy.  It becomes a problem when they have to take me in public because i wont wear a skirt or dress, or if I'm in a typical masculine situation (the garage for example) and I out "man" the actual male.  Hurting their ego really doesn't do me any favors, and in reality I'm only trying to impress :/

I need help - not much of it since I've been living this way all my life - but I need to educate the local sheep, and I don't want to be wrong.

Cheers!

Welcome to Susan's Place. Sexual preference and gender identity are separate. A transgender person may be heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual or asexual so around here, sexual preference is discussed but isn't the primary topic. Gender identity is how you see yourself and that may be male, female or a mix of the two. If you chose male/female, you fall into the binary. If you are a mix, you are non binary. We can't determine this for you because it's based off what you feel and only you can tell us what fits. We can provide you with information and discussion that will help you determine what you are. I have two links for you to look at. The first is our WIKI where you will get a better feel for the terms that define transgender. The second is "the transition channel"
that covers the topic more from the transsexual end of things. Feel free to post questions you might have and I will do my best to answer them.

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I definitely fall into the non-binary area...however there again, there are several terms that can apply to me.

Transmasculine?  androgynous?  Both have some parts that apply, both don't.  Thats the problem I am having. There are several terms that i fall under, and none fit me the right way.

"I think like a man" probably sums me up far better than anything else.  But it doesnt translate to needing physical changes at all. 

Hence why I'm confused, and telling me to go read the list again won't help me.  I can go through it, in the end I'm only gonna come back here and post a list and ask the same question.

And if no one can help me...well I guess I'll just go on being confused i guess. Right now the list is too extensive, and several can fit me and none do. That's the truth of it.

The problem with the non binary that I have found is that there are set terms that describe exact feelings BUT people often can fit somewhere in-between those nice neat definitions. The binary for example, a male may be CIS male but still lean toward some of the more colorful fashion that would normally be worn by a woman. No the are not a cross dresser, they just have a different taste in fashion. In my case, I needed the body of a woman and I never regretted my decision but I still retain all my male abilities and my work and everyday skills would be just as appropriate for a male to do. We need to make a non binary classification and call it "Txoa". Define it as what you like, dislike and how you want your life to be. This is a case where you need to say forget the stereotypes and just be what you are.

If you don't want the transition, that's fine. We have many on the board who have made the same decision. What you may need to do is transition your life so you enjoy what you do everyday.

After nearly 50 years of denial or other ways not handling being trans and 7 years of taking on the beast for real, I still have no idea what to call myself. My therapist says "Don't worry about labels".    Easy for her to say. I am trying to wrap my head around the simple fact, at the very least, I am Non-Binary. A non-binary what? Well......

In the grand scheme of things I call it finding some sort of balance. For me, in the thankfull I do not Need to transition club, gender is just one facet of what makes me, Me. I present primarily as male, been on HRT on for nearly years, have a B Cup, and almost bald. Oh, and 6ft and big everything.

Being trans simply means you are neither cis-male or cis-female. Just somewhere in the BIG universe between those extremes. The key to happiness is figuring out Where, Today, you'll feel happy. As you grow as a person, that place will likely change. It's called Living

Don't worry about labels. 


Mod Edit:Language

Quote from: txoa on June 25, 2016, 02:16:30 PM
I definitely fall into the non-binary area...however there again, there are several terms that can apply to me.
...
Transmasculine?  androgynous?  Both have some parts that apply, both don't.  Thats the problem I am having. There are several terms that i fall under, and none fit me the right way.
...
"I think like a man" probably sums me up far better than anything else.  But it doesnt translate to needing physical changes at all. 

To me, how you feel in your mind is what identifies your gender.
If an individual identifies as female/male/non-binary, then great. Keep in mind that people's personal views of what those genders are can vary though. You also don't have to want surgery or hormones to be trans, that also varies. Just be how you feel you should be, and (by the link of definitions from Dena) if you feel you "transcend from your birth gender" in any way, then you are trans.
Then there is your outward expression or presentation. Example being someone who identifies as female might choose to express their outer expression in masculine way, but still identify as a female. In my case, I am neutrois/agender. I like to present myself in androgynous masculine clothes with short hair, but that doesn't change the fact that I would feel very uncomfortable in my mind being a "male".

As Dena said, sexuality is different than gender. You can romantically be attracted to someone, then there is another extent of how sexual you are, which can vary (asexual/demisexual/sexual/etc).
Also there are general interests that people sometimes use to say if you are a male or female, and while these can fall into the "typical" stereotypes (girls liking dolls or boys liking sports for example), that isn't always the case as it depends on the person.

I'm one of the people that like labels, they help me to understand myself better and sort of acknowledge how I feel as being real. If I had to put a long label to myself, I would be a Demi-romantic, Asexual, Neutrois, person who presents Androgynously and sometimes likes Drag. Because I am neutrois, I also feel Trans. These "labels" took years of analyzing to come to a somewhat peaceful conclusion of. And although these labels have suited me for years, as I grow older my viewpoints or preferences may change and these labels could shift. Or they might not (again, it always varies per person). I don't call myself all these labels when people ask how I identify, it just helps to know what I feel like mentally.
Remember that there are always new labels that can be created, and you can mix and match different labels to describe different aspects of yourself. So if you can't find something that fits just keep looking (or start inventing ). Good luck.

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Disclaimer: These are my views and not everyone will necessarily agree with them.

Also! Although you weren't a fan of the definitions posted earlier, this link helped me when I first started trying to figure myself out (it deals with asexual stuff as that is where it's from, but it has a lot on gender/romantic/sexuality stuff too).
http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Lexicon
And this is just something I found for fun a while back
http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Genderbread-Person-3.3.jpg