Hello all.  I've been reading here for a while, but this is my first post.

About 2 months ago, I revealed to my wife about my desire to be more like a woman.  At first she was in disbelief, but slowly realized I was serious.  It was a major shock for her at first.  She had no idea going into the marriage (and neither did I) but she has been VERY supportive and accepting in most ways.  Especially at first...  She helped me shave my armpits and wax some areas and it was, I admit exciting I think for both of us.  We were just trying to figure this out.  At first I didn't know "what" I was (transgender, crossdresser, transexual, etc.)  But I have done a lot of soul searching and remembering a lot about my life growing up all the way through adult hood.

But, lately, as the excitement has worn off, and we have talked, cried, fought, and loved each other, it feels like we are starting to disconnect.  Much of our talks have been about how I could possibly have lied to her about wearing her panties or clothes over the years or how I could have hidden this from her.  I have been really depressed lately thinking about how I could have done this to her, to our marriage, to our life.  I feel like I have lost her trust through this and it is really difficult to rebuild that trust.  My wife has already been seeing a counselor who specializes in gender, and she is encouraging me to see a gender therapist too.  BUT, she is sooo afraid that me seeing a gender therapist will propel me to want to fully start transition.

And that's the part that has started to really cause some tension with us.  She still helps me dress up and put makeup on in the evenings because she knows it makes me so happy and feels so good to me... But, I can feel that she does not like it as much as early in this process.  To help, we have setup some boundaries like "not doing anything 'new' without talking first".  But, recently, I trimmed the hair on my arms to shorten it a bit, and I didn't immediately tell her.  Once she noticed she was upset and it felt like a huge setback.  I know that she is truly the most accepting person and she is REALLY trying hard to embrace some part of this with me, but I can tell it is really hard on her.

What can I do to help keep our relationship strong even though I don't know where this is going exactly.  I, for once in my life, don't feel like I have a road-map setup to demonstrate what's going to happen next, and it is scary.  Any advice is WELCOME!

Thanks!

Welcome to Susan's Place. You have mentioned the two most important things that will help keep you together. Therapy and honesty. To be fully honest with her, you may need to see a gender therapist. We have couples who have stayed together because the partner found they could avoid a full transition so both sites give a little. On the other hand, if you don't see a therapist, the discomfort may continue to grow in you and destroy the marriage. There are no easy solutions and not all marriages can survive this but working together you have a good shot at keeping the marriage together.

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I think just about everyone here who is married can relate to that situation.  And it is a huge conflict, both internally for the transitioner, and between the needs of the transitioner and the needs of the spouse.

To me it breaks up into two components:  1)  physical attraction.  Some women are pretty flexible, and some aren't.    And within that is the commitment factor as well.  My sister knew a guy who came back from Iraq with burns on eighty percent of his body and that was too much for his fiancee.  She left him.  On the other hand, my wife's best friend's husband got colon cancer, survived chemo and radiation, but ended up sterile from the radiation and with a colostomy bag on his stomach, and she still loves him and is with him.

2)  What will the friends and neighbors think?  How will it affect your job/income?  Wives tend to worry a lot about this sort of thing, and my own wife's concerns are why I am transitioning medically but not socially at this point.

I had to go on hormones for the sake of my peace of mind.  I had been fighting panic attacks for ten years, and I had gotten to the point where I was afraid to leave the house and the panic attacks were literally beating me to a pulp on a daily basis.  The hormones have pretty much resolved a lifetime of anger issues and anxiety problems.

So part one I guess is to deal with intimacy/attraction issues, and part two, if you intend to start hormone therapy, will be to arrange some assurances that your job/income stream will be protected, and that your wife will not have issues with friends and relatives.

Like previously said, a gender therapist for you is important to find out your needs. When you know what path you need to take then work with her therapist and perhaps a marriage counselor. Each of you deserve what you each need. If you remain together you may need to compromise as well as she. Transition for me eventually lead to having to cross my wife's line in the sand. 

Thank you all for the encouraging words. I am in a dark place right now. But I am lucky to have a wife that really does love me for "me". I hope it remains that way. I am really early in my understanding of what is really going on with me. I never thought in a million years that this would be where I am right now.

The comments about the Iraq veteran vs. the person who dealt with cancer are very enlightening. I never thought of it that way. I guess if my wife really does love "me" (whatever shape that is), then it is true love. If not then I guess it is moot.

I am definitely reaching out to the best gender counselor in my area. I am going to figure this out. I know that I can be happy, I just have to work on finding out what that means.

Thank tou for such encouraging thoughts. What a tough place to be. Thanks for providing such a great community to express thoughts and
Share emotion. Love you all. 😊