I had plans to call and make an appointment to finally start therapy. My city's Rainbow Resource Center is probably the best place to get resources for gender therapists and trans friendly groups... and then my homeline just... stopped. No line, no tone, nothing. I have no money for a cell, my mom only has this thursday afternoon and next monday off. She's the only one that could watch my kids while I finally start helping myself. And then this happens. By the time we figure out what the issue with the phone is, it'll be too late. I've been on a waiting list for respite for months now, and now they can't even call me to let me know if a worker's available. I can't call them to tell them how urgent this is. They might even take my name off the list after not being able to contact me. I guess it was all pointless. I feel as if I'm trapped and it's never going to get better. I didn't get misgendered today, but I did multiple times within ten minutes last night. I keep getting flashbacks of times before then that I got misgendered. Times people told me to "do (my) job as a woman and keep (my) house clean and take care of (my) kids". Times people told me that "(I) look amazing when (I) wear make up, dresses and tight fitting clothes" -- stuff I never wanted to wear in the first place, but forced myself into when people would talk down to me and make me feel like a lazy, unwanted stain on society because I want to dress like the guy I am. I've been trying to hard to stay strong here. Since August 2015 when I finally realized that I am a transgender guy... no. Since September of 2005 in grade ten, when I first started thinking about hormones, surgery and maybe that I wasn't a girl like everybody was telling me. It's a bad day and I have no way of reaching out for help. I'm scared that I'm going to end up another statistic of trans people committing suicide. My partner and my kids are what's keeping me going, as well as an anime I'm working on (that includes people of all genders and sexualities) but... I'm not sure how long I can keep this up. This dysphoria is amplifying my depression and anxiety. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD but I get negative flashbacks constantly on an every day basis.

If whoever's reading this spent decades in the closet or went years having to put off therapy/hormones/surgery/whatever was included in your journey of transitioning... how did you do it? How did you cope? I have a feeling that everything is gonna be put on hold for me and could really use some advice for how to cope with all this.

I knew I was trans at 17 and wanted to transition. But my family was super poor, no health insurance, and I was already putting them in a bad spot by leaving for college. I decided I would go to college, get settled in and get a better idea about local resources there, and then transition.

And then I didn't transition until I was 25. It was excuse after excuse. I didn't have insurance, I didn't have money, I didn't have time, I didn't have support, etc. I threw myself into work and school to keep my brain occupied. I had a weird sort of epiphany when I was 25, and ended up with this realization that I'd spent at least a quarter of my life lying to everyone around me, and I wasn't any happier for it. By that point, I no longer had any excuses. Insurance, time, money, support. Had it all, and was able to move forward very quickly. Instant improvement.

For me, staying as busy as possible was a must. I worked two jobs while I went to college, despite not needing to. I did the same in grad school. When I finished school and went to work full time, I volunteered for overtime as often as possible. I did freelance work on the side. Whatever it took to not think about my inability to transition at the time.

Are you able to physically go to the center and talk with anyone? There are programs out there for no or low cost cell phones, they may be able to point you in that direction so that you'd be able to reach them and vice versa.

I'm 25 now and I'm pretty much at the point of not wanting to lie about myself anymore. However, I've only come out to a few people that I trust because of my social anxiety and I'm terrified of how others will act.

I've been trying to keep as busy as I can, but lately my depression has worsened and I've found myself just sitting there and dwelling more often than ever. I'm unemployed due to a bladder disease and I wouldn't be able to afford day care at this point. My kids keep me busy so I could be worse. But I could be better too. The center does accept walk-ins but unfortunately I didn't have access to my partner's car today. I wanted to give them a call first and find out exactly what kind of resources they have, but that didn't exactly work out today.

I have a home visitor who is part of this Families First program for my kids and she was the first one to recommend the resource center to me. I've known her since my 2 year old was just a week old and she was the first non-relative I came out to. And she has by far been the most supportive person so far.

It's this social anxiety of mine that has limited my actions the most. I've been holding off on calling the center for awhile now because I honestly have no idea what to say. I should just be straight up and say "Hi I'm a mostly-closeted trans guy and I'm looking for therapy or someone to talk to" but I'm not even sure if that's the right thing to say. I need therapy regarding my anxiety for sure cause it's controlling my life. Even when it comes to this forum I have to reassure myself that nobody on here has judged me so far and that it's highly unlikely that someone will in a future post.

See if you can find an email address for the center, even if it's just a general info@whatever.com. I was a nervous wreck about contacting the place I wanted to go to for HRT because of generalized anxiety and a doctor phobia from years of awful healthcare experiences. I decided it would be better to email and ask what I needed to do and what I could expect at my first visit. They forwarded me along to the "transgender advocate" (it's a large LGBTQ community clinic) and he emailed me documents and called me to explain everything. I felt much, much better.

Do you think the anxiety is a stand alone issue, or is it maybe a symptom of your dysphoria?

I've had anxiety ever since I can remember, but I think it's connected to my dysphoria because the anxiety makes it worse.

I just checked their website and they do have an email address, so I'll give it a shot. I'm getting my phone modem fixed on Friday as well so that issue will be resolved.

Thanks for helping me out here Max. I really appreciate it.

Quote from: WarGrowlmon1990 on July 06, 2016, 09:59:42 AM
I've had anxiety ever since I can remember, but I think it's connected to my dysphoria because the anxiety makes it worse.

I just checked their website and they do have an email address, so I'll give it a shot. I'm getting my phone modem fixed on Friday as well so that issue will be resolved.

Thanks for helping me out here Max. I really appreciate it.

No problem! Let us know how everything goes.

Quote from: WarGrowlmon1990 on July 05, 2016, 03:34:15 PM
I had plans to call and make an appointment to finally start therapy. My city's Rainbow Resource Center is probably the best place to get resources for gender therapists and trans friendly groups... and then my homeline just... stopped. No line, no tone, nothing. I have no money for a cell, my mom only has this thursday afternoon and next monday off. She's the only one that could watch my kids while I finally start helping myself. And then this happens. By the time we figure out what the issue with the phone is, it'll be too late. I've been on a waiting list for respite for months now, and now they can't even call me to let me know if a worker's available. I can't call them to tell them how urgent this is. They might even take my name off the list after not being able to contact me. I guess it was all pointless. I feel as if I'm trapped and it's never going to get better. I didn't get misgendered today, but I did multiple times within ten minutes last night. I keep getting flashbacks of times before then that I got misgendered. Times people told me to "do (my) job as a woman and keep (my) house clean and take care of (my) kids". Times people told me that "(I) look amazing when (I) wear make up, dresses and tight fitting clothes" -- stuff I never wanted to wear in the first place, but forced myself into when people would talk down to me and make me feel like a lazy, unwanted stain on society because I want to dress like the guy I am. I've been trying to hard to stay strong here. Since August 2015 when I finally realized that I am a transgender guy... no. Since September of 2005 in grade ten, when I first started thinking about hormones, surgery and maybe that I wasn't a girl like everybody was telling me. It's a bad day and I have no way of reaching out for help. I'm scared that I'm going to end up another statistic of trans people committing suicide. My partner and my kids are what's keeping me going, as well as an anime I'm working on (that includes people of all genders and sexualities) but... I'm not sure how long I can keep this up. This dysphoria is amplifying my depression and anxiety. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD but I get negative flashbacks constantly on an every day basis.

If whoever's reading this spent decades in the closet or went years having to put off therapy/hormones/surgery/whatever was included in your journey of transitioning... how did you do it? How did you cope? I have a feeling that everything is gonna be put on hold for me and could really use some advice for how to cope with all this.

Man, I'm sorry to hear you came so close to getting the help you need. It's happened to me so much that I am thinking about just giving up. I wish I could be of more help, but you aren't alone. I have all the letters and labs I need for hormones and it is never enough for them. Like they want you to endure some trials and tribulations just to feel like a human being. I know all too well about flashbacks. I have them every day as far back as when I was 3 years old asking my parents when I will grow up big and strong like my dad and my oldest brother.

Never happened of course, being a woman and all. I have actually been diagnosed with PTSD last month in the psych ward. I have so many mental things going on. But if you're having flashbacks and they're making it very difficult for you to even function, you really should seek help. I had to and turns out I do have PTSD. It makes sense. I think far back like that, especially on traumatizing things like how when I was in the psych ward, one of the male workers outright refused to call me Phoenix and I wanted to kill him or at least call him out of his name like he was to me. This was a month ago and it is fresh in my mind as if it happened a minute ago. People with PTSD can relive the past like that. It is stressful and debilitating. I am trying to be strong too but I'm getting mighty tired of hanging in there.

Quote from: Tristyn on July 06, 2016, 02:48:59 PM
Man, I'm sorry to hear you came so close to getting the help you need. It's happened to me so much that I am thinking about just giving up. I wish I could be of more help, but you aren't alone. I have all the letters and labs I need for hormones and it is never enough for them. Like they want you to endure some trials and tribulations just to feel like a human being. I know all too well about flashbacks. I have them every day as far back as when I was 3 years old asking my parents when I will grow up big and strong like my dad and my oldest brother.

Never happened of course, being a woman and all. I have actually been diagnosed with PTSD last month in the psych ward. I have so many mental things going on. But if you're having flashbacks and they're making it very difficult for you to even function, you really should seek help. I had to and turns out I do have PTSD. It makes sense. I think far back like that, especially on traumatizing things like how when I was in the psych ward, one of the male workers outright refused to call me Phoenix and I wanted to kill him or at least call him out of his name like he was to me. This was a month ago and it is fresh in my mind as if it happened a minute ago. People with PTSD can relive the past like that. It is stressful and debilitating. I am trying to be strong too but I'm getting mighty tired of hanging in there.

Thanks Tristyn. I ended up getting busier than usual yesterday cause my baby woke up sick. I didn't email the center but being busy like that kept me distracted from the dysphoria and kept the flashbacks at bay. First thing this morning though, the flashbacks came out of nowhere. But then my 2 year old kid woke up sick, so that gave me extra distraction.  I've got access to my partner's car today and a few days ago my mom said that she gets some time off today. I think today is the day where I'll be able to go to the center. I've been taking baby steps since August of last year. It's been almost a year now and I think today's the day when I take a further step towards getting help. A few days ago my mom tried convincing me to go to a regular mood disorders group, but I had to be adamant with her that going to anything like that won't help. The root cause of my depression is not being accepted as the man I am. Going to an open group like that with just the hope of there being non-binary or other trans individuals isn't enough. There's also the risk of being shunned and not accepted, or worse getting harrassed or hurt by unaccepting cisgender individuals. I'm not going to hide who I am at a therapy session. I'm just gonna up and go to the center instead of procrastinating. If I can't go today, my mom gets all of Monday off for sure and that's only a few days away. I think I also need to come out to the respite program. In Canada I think it's illegal for government run programs like that to discriminate against gender identity, so if it's the real deal hopefully they'll speed up the process. I'm also gonna ask the Rainbow Resource Center if I'll be able to bring the toddlers with me to therapy sessions worst case scenario. If they end up having a transgender parenting group there that would be perfect for me.

I hope it works out for you this time.

Quote from: WarGrowlmon1990 on July 07, 2016, 07:07:51 AM
Thanks Tristyn. I ended up getting busier than usual yesterday cause my baby woke up sick. I didn't email the center but being busy like that kept me distracted from the dysphoria and kept the flashbacks at bay. First thing this morning though, the flashbacks came out of nowhere. But then my 2 year old kid woke up sick, so that gave me extra distraction.  I've got access to my partner's car today and a few days ago my mom said that she gets some time off today. I think today is the day where I'll be able to go to the center. I've been taking baby steps since August of last year. It's been almost a year now and I think today's the day when I take a further step towards getting help. A few days ago my mom tried convincing me to go to a regular mood disorders group, but I had to be adamant with her that going to anything like that won't help. The root cause of my depression is not being accepted as the man I am. Going to an open group like that with just the hope of there being non-binary or other trans individuals isn't enough. There's also the risk of being shunned and not accepted, or worse getting harrassed or hurt by unaccepting cisgender individuals. I'm not going to hide who I am at a therapy session. I'm just gonna up and go to the center instead of procrastinating. If I can't go today, my mom gets all of Monday off for sure and that's only a few days away. I think I also need to come out to the respite program. In Canada I think it's illegal for government run programs like that to discriminate against gender identity, so if it's the real deal hopefully they'll speed up the process. I'm also gonna ask the Rainbow Resource Center if I'll be able to bring the toddlers with me to therapy sessions worst case scenario. If they end up having a transgender parenting group there that would be perfect for me.

You really do need the support. Please do not be afraid to get help and support for both the flashbacks and for being transgender. Having neither is easy and you are also a parent which makes things even more challenging, but in a good way. I hope your baby will be all better soon, by the way. Yes flashbacks can hinder concentration, extremely; for example, I had one before while walking through a crosswalk that was so extreme that I almost got hit by a car. I know all too well. You're mom only wants you to get better but she is unfortunately misunderstanding the root cause of your flashbacks.

It's absolutely amazing to me how gender dysphoria can conceive one psychiatric illness after another as real as any physical one. I have depression, bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, bipolar-depressive disorder, PTSD, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and even some paranoia schizophrenia with a little Asperger's Syndrome thrown in there(self-diagnosis as an Aspie). I am an absolute shipwreck! It sounds like to me you need to be in a support group strictly for FTMs, but does such a group exist in your area? You've mentioned one called Rainbow Resource Center. Go on ahead and ask them. Never hurts to ask, right? And let us know how that goes. I wish you the best of luck on you journey to being free!

I managed to go to the resource center yesterday and got a trans health number from them. Unfortunately there is a waiting list for it so I'm calling to get in sooner than later. My nephew's here today to help keep my kids busy so I at least have time to myself today. While I'm waiting to get a therapist and get respite for it, I'll attempt to take care of myself so that I don't continue to languish like I did before. It's easier said than done, but that resource center is another place I can go to now, as well as posting here on this forum. The center has a library and I managed to take out a few trans-centered books so it's a start.