I'm currently waiting for an appointment to the gender clinic but in the mean time I have decided to start with some subtle changes. I've started to grow my hair, telling the wife that I just fancy a change from having a shaven head. I've also changed my exercise routine from muscle building to fitness in the hope that some of my muscle mass will start to disappear and I can start to get a much more slimmer figure (lost 14lb already). So then I thought I'd ask you folks as to what other subtle changes you can suggest. Don't forget that I haven't come out to anyone yet and that needs to remain for a little while longer. MTF please. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I hate seeing posts like this.

You need to tell your wife ASAP, the longer you hold out and if/when you start HRT will hurt her even more.

The next logical step would be dressing.  Obviously that is not going to fly if you are keeping this secret from your wife.

I know that some people recommend getting into therapy first so you can plan your coming out.  Maybe that works for them.  I know it would not have worked for me.  Had I tried that, it would have guaranteed a divorce when the stuff hit the fan.  The only course of action for me, and probably for most people, was to tell my wife first.

The longer you put that off, the worse it will be when you do.

I agree with the other posters. Your wife has a right to know as soon as possible. I know this is hard, as it was hard for me to tell my wife,  but it would have driven a wedge between us if I hadn't told her when I did. If you don't tell her, the secrets will accumulate and when she finds out, the trust that all marriages are bound with will be completely broken.

Quote from: Nicole on July 07, 2016, 05:42:18 AM
I hate seeing posts like this.

You need to tell your wife ASAP, the longer you hold out and if/when you start HRT will hurt her even more.

I totally appreciate what you are saying but unfortunately life's not as straight forward as that. Without going through specific details which I'm not willing to do on a public forum my family are experiencing a difficult period which directly effects my wife. Despite what I know will happen when I finally come out, I still love my wife and family and if I have to wait a little while longer so as to soften the blow then thats what I will do. Yes there is never a good time but you have to understand now is really not the right time. I feel guilty for even indulging in a (for want of a better word) guilty pleasure by posting on this forum let alone knowing that I am already forward planning. HRT will start way after any discussions and not before. Sorry but this has really upset me, to think that other people would think that I am so disrespectful of my wife. I'm willing to lay down my life for my wife and son and have seriously considered doing so before so as to save them from the embarrassment and humiliation of what I am considering. Maybe everyone on this site, myself included, should consider that not everyones situation is as straightforward as their own and perhaps not to be as judgmental. Sorry for the tone of my reply but this has really knocked me sideways and I need to leave the forum for a while.

Quote from: Nicole on July 07, 2016, 05:42:18 AM
I hate seeing posts like this.

You need to tell your wife ASAP, the longer you hold out and if/when you start HRT will hurt her even more.

There is no one solution. My SO has only ever known me - for nearly 20 years - as trans and yet had always been very negative about transition. This was certainly a factor in delaying my starting transition for 15 years, whenever we had discussed it she went to a very negative place, projecting essentially that she was entitled to a partner who wouldn't change.

When I decided to start hrt I began making moves to present more femme and that I needed to experience the changes in my mental landscape without the distraction of an emotional charged conversation.

It was the correct decision, the conversation when it happened was even more negative than I'd expected. Happily we've since moved on to a more comfortable place, it helped me that when I told her there were no more questions in my mind about needing to transition and I think it went better for being able to approach it as "I need to do this" rather than as a hypothetical.

To the OP, I understand your pain in this, it wasn't easy for me to be making the decisions without input from my partner and best friend. I also had some negative reactions from the couple of people I talked to, including my therapist who at least kept it non-judgemental. The one person who really did understand and was able to be supportive was a trans woman personal friend who'd walked a difficult path herself.

Best wishes and I hope to see you back.