Hello everyone, I thought I'd say hello on here as I've posted a bit over the past few days.
I'm a 13 years post-op m2f, and I still struggle daily with my life, acceptance and depression.
I needed to ask some questions and I got some answers, and for that I am grateful. Hence I donated a little bit.
My transition wasn't an easy one, things didn't go well, and now all these years later I find myself needing to talk about stuff.
So I just take things day by day and see where they lead.
Virtual hugs to all 

Hi V

Welcome to Susan's Place 

Hugs

V M

Welcome from a Blackpool girl

Welcome. You should be proud of yourself for being post op. Hope you meet some supportive friends here at Susan's.

Thank you all for the welcome 

Hey V, we've had conversations before nice to meet you a bit of yourself, welcome aboard! ^^

Hi Raye, thank you
Nice to chat with you too.
Y'know, I suddenly feel a bit saddened that I can't post a pic of myself, living in 'stealth' as I am, I daren't 'out' myself.
But I do feel less connected and open when I have to be so secretive. Oh well, the lives we lead eh?...

Quote from: V on July 05, 2016, 09:38:37 AM
Hi Raye, thank you
Nice to chat with you too.
Y'know, I suddenly feel a bit saddened that I can't post a pic of myself, living in 'stealth' as I am, I daren't 'out' myself.
But I do feel less connected and open when I have to be so secretive. Oh well, the lives we lead eh?...

Your 13, if you got it show it. I know I have the legs for my shorties! xD As soon as you come out 'stealth' you'll be gaining that courage and pride that we all have. ^^

Quote from: Raye on July 05, 2016, 02:05:54 PM
Your 13, if you got it show it. I know I have the legs for my shorties! xD As soon as you come out 'stealth' you'll be gaining that courage and pride that we all have. ^^

I'm not sure I know what that means?

Alas no, I won't be coming out of stealth. My fella's family do not know, and they are very transphobic. I don't want to trash the life I've built up. It's not really about courage, I've been featured on television, and been a gender and diversity mascot for my (old) company. I feel I did my time promoting transgender pride.

I've slipped into obscurity and a boring old life as an average woman.

It's time for you youngsters to take the baton and run with it 

Quote from: V on July 05, 2016, 04:29:18 PM
I'm not sure I know what that means?

Alas no, I won't be coming out of stealth. My fella's family do not know, and they are very transphobic. I don't want to trash the life I've built up. It's not really about courage, I've been featured on television, and been a gender and diversity mascot for my (old) company. I feel I did my time promoting transgender pride.

I've slipped into obscurity and a boring old life as an average woman.

It's time for you youngsters to take the baton and run with it 

Regardless if you or anyone else is old I feel as if age is just a number, but for many of us eh. It's an overbearing wall. I'm glad your so helpful and will continue with what you can! ^^ Eh if only I was as young as I'd like to feel. I had to abandon my childhood at an early age. But I also understand where your coming at too. Things take time for seeds to blossom into trees and then trees blossom into beautiful pink leaves In turn develop into regular leaves. They grow old sick turning yellow and eventually fading to a frail husk of browns and blacks. However it's never the end until the next Spring! xD

Quote from: Raye on July 06, 2016, 01:26:40 AM
Regardless if you or anyone else is old I feel as if age is just a number, but for many of us eh. It's an overbearing wall. I'm glad your so helpful and will continue with what you can! ^^ Eh if only I was as young as I'd like to feel. I had to abandon my childhood at an early age. But I also understand where your coming at too. Things take time for seeds to blossom into trees and then trees blossom into beautiful pink leaves In turn develop into regular leaves. They grow old sick turning yellow and eventually fading to a frail husk of browns and blacks. However it's never the end until the next Spring! xD

Ha ha, yeah you're right, it's just a number. There are days when I feel younger, and days when I feel like an old cow!
My body certainly doesn't bounce back from things like it used to, no matter how much I try to kid myself. I've had a pretty tough and unpleasant time in my past, and it has taken it's toll, both mentally and physically, and some days I really feel that.
I like the leaves analogy, I certainly had bright pink leaves when I blossomed into femininity and womanhood! I think it was to make up for all those lost years, and of course not having a childhood as a girl. That phase has passed now, and my leaves are just regular old green leaves now 
As always, nice chattin' with ya'.

Quote from: V on July 06, 2016, 06:00:49 AM
Ha ha, yeah you're right, it's just a number. There are days when I feel younger, and days when I feel like an old cow!
My body certainly doesn't bounce back from things like it used to, no matter how much I try to kid myself. I've had a pretty tough and unpleasant time in my past, and it has taken it's toll, both mentally and physically, and some days I really feel that.
I like the leaves analogy, I certainly had bright pink leaves when I blossomed into femininity and womanhood! I think it was to make up for all those lost years, and of course not having a childhood as a girl. That phase has passed now, and my leaves are just regular old green leaves now 
As always, nice chattin' with ya'.

Anytime don't be afraid to send me a PM. I'm always glad to talk to not only the younger generation, but the older as well! For a comedian even I can say such beautiful analogies, huh? I've always been good with perking up the ladies in their time of need for a pep talk! ^^

Thanks Raye 

Quote from: V on July 06, 2016, 06:40:10 AM
Thanks Raye 

No problemo stay sunny side up as much as possible V you are loved here! =^.^=

Y'know I saw you comment on another thread (about names) and I thought, hey it's Raye, I'll reply, as we have something in common about moons and such. And then I thought, no perhaps not, as it'll look like I'm stalking you or something, which I'm not 
You are very sweet with your kind comments 

You can stalk me if you want LOL. I don't mind, I've never had dreams or nightmares when I sleep. I have a weird innate ability in me to see the future of the people I see in person. They're many futures and are never finite. As I can't change the future it's up to them to do that, but by the time they get ready to make a choice more futures open up that not even I can predict where they will lead. I don't see everything, but I see 'some' clear path ways. I can't see my own future, but when I sleep sometimes I get glimpses of my own and those are actually finite no matter what I do I'm unable to change my own fate unlike others. So what I do is I prepare my best for the worse or the best. Depending on how you see it. So that should explain why I'm so chill about the unforeseeable that I see coming miles away. Better to ride out the waves instead of shaking unto it. I've been told my age I'm pretty mature and have quality traits that are surprising to have at 25. But it doesn't bother me so much. So I guess that's how I gained my Charisma because I can easily make lifelong friends with my words and actions.

Your not like the stalkers who sexually abused me so I think it's okay if you want to follow me around LOL. I'm too passionate these days and I use to not be this passionate especially about life. I guess when I got into HRT and fully adapted to these emotions and feelings I have now... I've been leaning towards acting on emotions and how I'm feeling about a particular situation than when I use to have much more patience and reasoning to cope with. Surely the way now I will ultimately be my downfall at some point. If anything I guess that makes me feel more of a woman than I use to hehe.

Well, as it happened, I was reading your post about names, and I thought you had a really nice name. But you also mentioned about being a night person, and liking the moon. That's pretty much me in a nutshell. I'm at my best at night, I do all my best thinking and work at night. My current boss calls me a vampire 
An ex of mine from my past used to call me Moonbeam, and whilst I like the name, he was an abusive controlling nasty piece of work, so alas that name now just reminds me of him. So I try to forget that.

That's a pretty cool ability you have there! Is it a blessing or a curse? It sounds amazing to me.
I have a fairly useless ability, I can 'see' the coloured auras that surround everything and everyone, if I just close my eyes. The colours I see are beautiful and amazing. I've always been able to see them, right from as long as I can remember. I initially thought that everyone could see them too, and it wasn't until I was at a Reiki class, and the instructor was talking about the colours of the auras. She asked the class if anyone had ever seen them, and I laughed and said "Of course! All the time! Can't we all?" At which point everyone else in the class said no, and the instructor told me it wasn't common for people to see them at all. I felt a bit daft then. I have learnt to blot them out a bit, otherwise it can be very difficult to sleep, as I get treated to amazing swirling colour shows as soon as I close my eyes.

I can see you're good at making friends, even though I'm a newbie to this forum, you've been very nice and warm towards me. Actually you've been the most friendly person on here so far  I'm quiet and somewhat introverted, and I think I have mild Autism or Aspergers because I'm not good in crowds or at ease when folk want to give me a hug. It's awkward, and I think my mother is similar to me, she's never been a touchy-feely person either.

You mention being sexually abused, in almost a casual comment. That's another thing we share then. I've been subjected to mental, physical and sexual abuse by various men in my past. It's all pretty horrible, and I've had a couple of mental breakdowns in the past, due to that. You have my utmost sympathy my dear, I was consumed by guilt, anguish and self-loathing because of what I've been through. I hope you are past that yourself. I am very lucky to have got away from it. I had to sell my house in the end, there were too many painful memories contained within its walls. Life is tough huh...

I don't consciously see the future, but subconsciously and typically what I say seems to be what would happen next to someone. And they're like What?! It also happens infrequently and I can't control who it happens to. That's a beautiful ability seeing colors huh. I wish I had that one LOL.


Regarding how I've dealt with my Aspie's maybe you'll learn something from me...
The only way I know to make Asperger's Syndrome your bishquit and to make it a Strength NOT a Weakness so to speak. Is you really gotta take advantage of the positives. If you find something you really enjoy doing, you'll find that you'll be able to learn it much faster in a shorter amount of time than those who do not have the apptiude or knowledge for that particular skill. Like I said many of us with Aspies are highly intelligent people. It's a gift and a curse, regarding social positions. Yes HRT helped me significantly overcome my disability regarding these particular situations. However for the most part I remained secluded from the social aspects of life until I started working. What I found helped my social anxiety and language communication barriers was to put myself right in front of the action. If I said something wrong and it pissed someone off I tried not saying those particular words or the tone and flow of how I made it come out of my mouth. I got my butt plenty trying to get better with my communication. And right now it might seem pretty decent especially if you watch my YT Videos, but I still have a long ways to go. What I mean by HRT helping me a lot with my disability - at least for me, I couldn't understand emotions + feelings to well. I was very desensitized not only only to my own emotions, but other people's and how they felt about the way I delivered words verbally. With being on it I've become much more sensitive to people's emotions and feelings as well my own. But again I still have a long ways to go and I constantly improve on a daily basis. Just because you have Asperger's doesn't mean you have to live with it making you get down each and every day to be owned by it.

Another helpful and thought-provoking reply from you, thanks 

I think if we could combine our 'abilities', there's a possible comic book superhero (or villain?  ) somewhere in there 

So you have Aspergers then... I would not have been able to tell that. Actually I've never had an official diagnosis, it's just that so many of my traits (good and bad) seem to point in that direction. I think the worst thing is when someone gives me a hug, and I freeze like a stone. This is especially more of a problem now I'm female, as women often give each other hugs, much more than guys ever do. It wasn't until I read that Daryl Hannah came out about having the same Aspergers problems, that it gave me the strength to admit them and try to do something about it.
You are so right about the good points being that if you like something, you can get good at it really quickly, seemingly with minimum effort. My fella is often annoyed that I seem to be "good at everything" (his words not mine), so that is a blessing. But it also stops me from sticking with something for very long, as I master and move onto the next thing very quickly. That can be bad, and is one main reason why I've had 16 different jobs so far, I get bored and need new stimulation.
But OMG is it easy to say the wrong thing and offend people! Hence I try to remain quiet to avoid such social faux-pas.
It was much worse before hrt though, that is very true. And I was very bad at reading situations and emotions, and that has improved, but is still way below how I would like it to be. And sadly I can be very easily read in terms of my mood and what I am thinking. I definitely don't have a 'poker face', I am so readable, yet ironically cannot read much from others <sigh>.
I try not to be owned by it, but I can't deny it's difficult at times.
I'm impressed that you seem to have got a handle on it so well, it has taken me many many years myself to realise it, and then to try and improve things. But as you say, hrt does help a bit.

I'm not without defects either now LOL. Come on I'm not that perfect you just gotta work on it. Solve one problem and move unto the next till your last day breathing. I dunno about being a superhero or a villain. I'm more likely to be a Neutral Chaotic or Anti-Hero Character. If something happens and your uncomfortable with the situation ask to stop or go ride the wave out. I prefer the later because that's the only way you'll improve. And as you mentioned women hug a lot that plays a part in passability in my opinion there.