It certainly is true, but no less discouraging, to think that transition would have been easier in some respects when I was 13 or 14, standing in the drugstore day after day, reading about Christine Jorgenson, but being too scared to buy the book for fear someone would know what I was thinking. I cannot imagine how different life would have been had I acted then. I, too, have had frequent and continuing dreams of becoming female in body.
I missed the military experience (well, no, I don't miss it), but my first experience as a college student was one continuing crisis (3 times asked to leave; 3 times talking my way back in). I remember making a mental note never to tell anyone that these were the best years of my life. My grades were wildly inconsistent; the last semester of engineering school my average was 0.5 (A = 4.0), and the following semester, majoring in philosophy, 3.5. Then the staff told me I'd misunderstood the degree requirements, and that they would not allow me to major in a study of communications among people and between people and machines, and I was right back in trouble.
I sought counseling which only told me that my inconsistencies were the result of conflicts with parents (which reminded me of my mother's reaction to my grades: "How could you do this to me?" If only I'd known about ADD then). Then that final term, trying to squeeze the second year of Japanese into an 8-week summer program, and earning a D for my efforts should have marked the fourth and final time kicked out. I couldn't believe it when I noticed my name in the newspaper among the local students graduating.
Then came six months looking for work. I was so grateful my father was able to know I had a job before he died. No way was I going to look for gender counseling. I still don't trust counseling, and surely have revealed more of me and gender to you than to anyone ever. You all have made this a comfortable place to be.
I, too, am prone to question and analyze--particularly my own words. I find it nearly impossible to know if I am telling the whole truth. On the other hand, I try to stop somewhere short of feeling like a motorcar spinning my wheels on ice. Still, it takes a very long time to write a posting (I don't think I could handle the chat room). If there is reincarnation, I know I am here to learn humility.
No, I am not, as my wife once (and may still) supposed, depressed. There is so much to learn and master in life that each day is a new challenge and opportunity. I love life. And I have these breastlets that grow and change, albeit almost imperceptibly, day by day.
Here's to our pub and community,
Simone
