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Honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with dysphoria

Started by MisterQueer, July 06, 2016, 12:36:11 AM

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MisterQueer

I'm prone to writing stuff the length of War and Peace, so just a warning: long post.

Agh. Ever since my discovery of being trans who knows how long ago by now, my dysphoria's only getting worse with each day. To make things simple: I have dysphoria everywhere, in both physical and social aspects. However, since I deleted my Instagram and started socializing myself as male online full-time, it's been better. Even though it can kind of get conflicting to be referred to as "he" on a Skype call and "she" through my family. I think the lack of social dysphoria is one of the main reasons I haven't done anything stupid because of my physical dysphoria yet. Physical is bad enough, and having to juggle both social and physical would be too much.

I get physical dysphoria everywhere. I know it's not exactly common for pre-T guys to focus on dysphoria besides vocal/face/chest, but I do. Like I said, everywhere. Voice, chest, genitals, hips, height, face, etc. It sucks. I even get dysphoria over lack of body hair. And then I have to go ahead and tell myself, "You should feel lucky your hips aren't that wide", or "You should feel lucky your voice passes as male before T" (Since I am 15, the people online who do not know I'm trans assume I'm a late bloomer who hasn't experienced a full voice drop).

Since I vocally pass as male for now, my main focus is my stupid, large chest. Which I often rant about. But I can't help it. I did actually attempt to buy a binder, but was nearly caught. Layering sports bras aren't enough, unfortunately. I looked in the mirror after showering today, taking note of how I was blessed to have a set of broad shoulders and defined collar bones... and then there were breasts. It felt like a punch in the face- a cruel reminder of my anatomy. I remembered that legitimately I cried over my dysphoria for the first time only two days prior. Something I always came close to, but never actually did. And that's a definite sign it's getting worse.

I'm only out to my mom, she's not really accepting and doesn't understand. The rest of my family I absolutely refuse to tell for my own safety and mental health. 15 years old, can't drive, have no job and little money- I'm a kid, helpless and dependent on my parents. I'm basically trapped until I'm financially stable, and that just won't happen when I'm 18. And it kills me to think about that.

I don't know what to do anymore- I've been searching up and down for support in real life, been binding to the best of my ability, deepening my voice so much to the point where it hurts, etc. I try so hard. I tried to get a therapist, too. It's a long story, and to make things simple, it didn't work out. Everything I do, it's never enough. I'm scared I'll snap soon enough. I don't think suicide or anything, but bad harm. Like physical or mental self harm. Or maybe I'll end up doing something stupid that'll actually end up killing me. Something along those lines. I'm trying to prevent it to the best of my ability, but it feels like it's inevitable.


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Elis

Sorry to hear you're going through this. After 3 years of keeping the trans stuff to myself; having the dysphoria build up I finally hit 'the wall' and decided to transition. Even though I find it difficult to stand up for myself and felt everything was against me. I live with my dad and brother who aren't exactly knowledgeable on LGBT stuff. I don't want to sound harsh but I think the only solution is to stand up to your parents. Give them articles on trans not being a choice. Send emails to them detailing how crappy you feel even if it's uncomfortable being that honest. Look for trans friendly therapists. Find an LGBT charity and look for resources. Otherwise you'll be an 18 yr old with severe depression and social anxiety.

Good luck :)
They/them pronouns preferred.



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FTMDiaries

This is, without a doubt, the most difficult part of transitioning: the time between when you've come out to yourself, and when you are able to to start transitioning. As soon as you've accepted that you need to transition, it's only natural to feel an increased sense of urgency.

Because of your age, it's likely that your mother thinks you're going through yet another phase: her kids have been through umpteen phases over the years and they all tend to fade in time, so she probably thinks that if she just ignores this, you'll move onto something else. The thing is: phases tend to last for 6 months or less, so if you want to convince her that you're serious about it, you'll have to keep bringing it up occasionally so she can see you haven't simply 'gotten over' it.

It's very smart of you to be careful about who you out yourself to under the circumstances. You're right that you're in a relatively weak position in that you don't have the right to choose your own medical treatment, you don't have your own accommodation, and you don't have any income. So the best thing you can do is to sit tight and plan for when you're able to tick those boxes and do something about it.

I see from other posts that you appear to have already experienced the full effects of your original puberty, so you can rest assured that a couple more years of your natal hormones shouldn't do any additional damage. Plenty of guys have to start their transition later in life (I started at 40) and many of us have had excellent results - myself included. I certainly don't look like the ballerina in my profile pic any more. ;)

So what to do in the meantime?

Keep your head down. Concentrate on your school work as much as you can, and take up a hobby to keep your mind off things. If you can, eat healthily & exercise to build muscle and keep yourself trim (this also helps reduce the size of your hips & chesticles). Mention your dysphoria to your mother every month or two, just to keep it in her mind. See if you can coax her into letting you see a doctor or therapist... but if you can't, you know you'll be able to do it yourself as soon as you're ready... so if she says 'no', that really means 'not yet'. Do as much as you can to transition, e.g. hair, clothing, toiletries, name or nickname - and continue with changing your name and pronouns wherever you can, even if only online or with a few IRL friends. And start putting plans in place for what you're going to do to start transitioning. At what age can you get a part-time job, to start saving for your treatment? At what age will you be ready to buy a binder, or a packer? Can you buy a binder & have it delivered to a friend's house, and just wear it when you're not around your family for now? (even a short break from the chesticles can be wonderful). ;) At what age are you able to seek medical treatment without your parents' consent? (in some places, that's as young as 16). Do you want to finish your schooling first? Do you want to start transitioning before college or full-time work? Once you have some plans in place and a timeline to work towards, it can help you cope with the wait.

And above all: remember that whilst you may feel powerless at 15, you will feel completely different at 25. By that age you will have been working for several years; you will have changed your name & ID everywhere; you will probably have been on hormones for several years & will be indistinguishable from a cis male; you will probably have had top surgery; you may be planning further operations. Who knows, you might even be sharing your life with a significant other. ;D Bottom line: you'll be much happier in your own skin, and that powerlessness you felt at 15 will be a bad memory. That's the goal to work towards. Everything you do today will help you achieve that goal, and your 25-year-old self will be so grateful to your 15-year-old self that you had the strength and courage to persevere.





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AnxietyDisord3r

I held it in for years by making a promise to myself that I would get top surgery when I had the money. I worked on my financial plan so I could get debt free and start saving. I also only got in relationships with people who knew my trans status. I was really anxious NOT to date someone who would reject me if I started transitioning.

This wasn't a perfect plan but it kept me alive and I actually had a lot of good years and good times while I was in "pause" mode. (Obviously, things didn't stay rosy forever and I wish I had known how good T would be for me instead of dreading it.)
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MisterQueer

For this particular post, I'm not asking for advice. I just want to know if anyone can relate/ever had this experience. And I'm placing it in the same thread because they're somewhat related.

These past few weeks, due to the misery of dysphoria, I've been allowing myself to develop a horrible outlook on life- that, due to my biological sex being female, I'll never be truly happy. That I'll always be miserable whether or not I transition. And perhaps the act of transition would lessen the pain somewhat, but not really. Because I'll never be a bio male, which is what causes me pain. I'm thinking that it'd just be better to live the rest of my life as a sad woman, instead of a slightly less sad man who spent a lot of money, time, and effort to be slightly less sad. It just seems pointless to me. 

Like I said, I'm not asking for advice with this post. I'm actively looking for a therapist to talk this out with. I just want to know if this outlook has ever developed in others- and if it has, does it pass? Or does it always linger somewhat?
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Elis

Quote from: MisterQueer on July 19, 2016, 03:25:16 AM
For this particular post, I'm not asking for advice. I just want to know if anyone can relate/ever had this experience. And I'm placing it in the same thread because they're somewhat related.

These past few weeks, due to the misery of dysphoria, I've been allowing myself to develop a horrible outlook on life- that, due to my biological sex being female, I'll never be truly happy. That I'll always be miserable whether or not I transition. And perhaps the act of transition would lessen the pain somewhat, but not really. Because I'll never be a bio male, which is what causes me pain. I'm thinking that it'd just be better to live the rest of my life as a sad woman, instead of a slightly less sad man who spent a lot of money, time, and effort to be slightly less sad. It just seems pointless to me. 

Like I said, I'm not asking for advice with this post. I'm actively looking for a therapist to talk this out with. I just want to know if this outlook has ever developed in others- and if it has, does it pass? Or does it always linger somewhat?

I've had that same feeling. When I was 19 and found out I was trans I felt the whole transitioning thing was overwhelming. Having to come out; tell my GP, get on the waiting list to see a gender therapist. Staying how i was seemed so much easier. But as i said in my earlier post I hit the wall. If i stayed a woman I wouldn't just be 'sad'; I'd still have severe depression, social anxiety and i most likely will have been dead by now. I'm still resentful that I don't look like the average guy in the street but I'm thankful that my mental health has hugely improved and I hope the resentment will fade away in the time. The pursuit of happiness is always worth taking; as cheesy as that sounds.
They/them pronouns preferred.



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MisterQueer

Quote from: Elis on July 19, 2016, 03:55:39 AMI'm still resentful that I don't look like the average guy in the street but I'm thankful that my mental health has hugely improved and I hope the resentment will fade away in the time. The pursuit of happiness is always worth taking; as cheesy as that sounds.

I'm assuming that taking T has made the "I'll never be happy" feeling go away at least some what?
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Elis

Quote from: MisterQueer on July 19, 2016, 04:30:35 AM
I'm assuming that taking T has made the "I'll never be happy" feeling go away at least some what?

Oh yeah definitely but I've found that even though I'm happy about my own personal progress and how I now pass to everyone; I can't help but compare myself to other people. I can definitely now see potential in the future for me to be happy and content when before I couldn't at all. Therapy has also helped me a lot with this.
They/them pronouns preferred.



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WolfNightV4X1

Just FYI T is inexpensive for the reward of actually feeling comfortable.

Heck, I have a MINIMUM WAGE JOB and I can do it.money is only an ends to a means, and I dont have much else to go on if I cant spend it to feel comfortable. Besides T, name changes are relatively easy that even cis people do it.

Im not going to say its easy. It isnt. Its just doable.

Keep other goals in mind, like what do you want to do when you grow up, and work on those. Work on getting a job and being proactive. Stuff like that works.

...and yeah I know you said no advice but Im just relaying what I know.

Chin up, man. You're already the guy you know you are. It sucks but we all know the feeling


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FTMax

Probably the best thing you can do right now is stay busy - make sure you're doing well in school, get involved in something social if that's an option, maybe get a job if that's possible. The job would be the best thing to do - start saving now, focus on finding a good therapist and doctor, and hopefully then your wait once you turn 18 won't be a long one. Like WolfNightV4X1 mentioned, T is very inexpensive. Especially if your parents insurance would cover lab work, your expenses would be very minimal for several months worth of stuff.

I was 17 when I realized I was trans, and I didn't feel like I had the resources or support to do anything about it until 25. So you're ahead of the game in that regard. And once you get on T, you'll likely have no issues passing if you already do.

I was really down at 21. I had just finished my Bachelor's, but I hadn't had the nerve to come out and start transitioning in college which would've been an ideal environment. Work was really stressing me out, and my Master's program wasn't a cake walk like I thought it would be. Suicide was really appealing. So I adopted a dog. Obviously not doable for everyone, but I figured having something rely on me was a really good way to ensure I'd never off myself. So far it's worked. Is there anything you could do that's like that? Maybe not as extreme as adopting an animal, but maybe find some kind of responsibility that you can take over that keeps you firmly grounded?
T: 12/5/2014 | Top: 4/21/2015 | Hysto: 2/6/2016 | Meta: 3/21/2017

I don't come here anymore, so if you need to get in touch send an email: maxdoeswork AT protonmail.com
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Peep

I often feel the same - but if I'm going to be unhappy either way, I'd rather be unhappy because I tried and it didn't work out, than unhappy because i never gave it a go and am always wondering what if. Even when i think about losing my loved ones - I think I'll lose them anyway, because if i don't transition for them i'm always going to resent them >.>
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Kylo

Yeah, it feels worse before it feels better.

In my case I just had to train myself to switch my brain off every time it starts wandering back to the topic of dysphoria, or of all the things I could be concerned or stressed about relating to it. Just had to stop it and say "nope, not going into this again" like I might to someone who keeps bothering me about a topic I don't want to discuss. Not easy at first, especially with an OCD brain like mine, but after a while you can get a rein on it.
"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."
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alex82

Heartbreaking read.

I know it's pointless saying this to a teenager, but I'll say it anyway - you're young, the world honestly is at your feet and waiting for you. By the time you're double your age, you'll wish time moved that slowly. Relax, find help, and don't do anything to yourself that you'll regret, or that will leave your friends and family with regret.
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ghoulified g

Oh, I can most definitely relate, I'm also 15 and battling dysphoria :s I'm in the UK too so I can't get T until I'm 17, dunno if that only applies to the NHS or if you can go private and get it earlier here. I'm probably gonna wait to transition properly when I go to college/uni because people aren't as well-educated about LGBT+ issues where I am (isles) than down south on the mainland, and then when I'm done I'll probably move to Sweden or something xD
On the way to an air cadet camp though a guy from another squadron that I'd never met before said I have a masculine voice so I must be doing something right hhaha
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