Hi im new here, Ive been looking at different support on this site for quite some time but only just had the guts to make an account, im not sure why I guess I just got scared of peoples reactions.

Basically my partner came out as being MtF a while ago after looking on a website called Tumblr and thinking basically 'oh thats definitely what I am I want to be a girl' which I believe isnt normally how people find out as most times people dont want to be the other gender they were born the other gender in the wrong body? Ive been able to deal with it although it has been very hard but a while ago she changed her mind and said that she wasn't a girl anymore to which I was more confused, a few months down the line she started going to a gender clinic and is now about to start hrt. I have never actually seen her present as a female and I live with her and have done since she came out. Im really worried because she came out as being trans at a time when she was lying about lots of different things to gain friends the worrying thing is that she then started to believe all the things she lied about in the past as she lied so much that she thought they were true. Me and all her friends are worried that is what has happened again, she lies to the gender clinic to get her own way even going as far as to saying she dresses as a female all the time even though she hasnt ever done that, maybe once but I can't really remember, she also doesn't seem to have dysphoria and ive asked her about it and she was very happy and bubbly and didnt really care that much and said that she wasn't dysphoric and doesn't seem too fussed about her body infact I probably have more dysphoria then she does.
Im just terrified that shes made a false personality for herself and the gender clinic dont see it because she lies.
Im sorry to be blunt im just so worried about her making a mistake.

The other thing is she won't actually talk to me about transitioning even though im her partner, shes about to start hormones and hasn't asked me how I feel about anything and to be truthful ive been upset nearly every night when shes asleep because I dont want her to take hormones, I love her for who she is and really cant face her changing, im also autistic so change isnt something I find easy to deal with.
if she was to present as a girl then I would be okay with it, i would enjoy shopping with her and even help her with her makeup but I just can't face her taking hormones and im getting more and more upset about it.
I also can't live without her ive had really bad thoughts about the prospect of that and I will be honest im not exactly the most stable person and she says she can't live without me but she just wont talk to me about transitioning at all she tends to think it wont matter to me and has even told me before that she plans on burning all our old photographs and at the end of the day its all up to her and if it makes me unhappy I have to deal with it and she has gotten upset thinking I may break up with her over it but there is just nothing else I can do.

I really dont want to break up with her but I cant request her not to take hormones and I cant see me staying with her if she takes them. It just feels like the person I love and care about is being replaced and I feel like im in mourning.

Im sorry if this seems nasty or blunt my partner has put me through quite a lot in the past through all that ive wanted to stay with them, im juat hurt especially since I didnt even know they would get the hrt on the date they will until 2 weeks ago!

I guess im just worried and not sure how to face the relity of them conpletley changing, I love them for who I fell in love with.
Im just so hurt and confused and im not even allowed to speak to my friend about how I feel cause they got mad when I did that and said its all about them and not me even though I really need some support.

I just dont want to lose them I really love them and I cant deal to think about life without them however I also dont know how to deal with them having hrt as its something I really dont want them to start and want to conprimose with them on however like I said they wont give me the option to and im just left out in the blue loving who they are at the moment but fearing the future.

Im sorry if I seem blunt or anything I needed somewhere to vent and since I cant speak with my friends I figured to vent on here. Just please understand I do love them im just so hurt and confused and since coming out they have started to act pretty horribly towards me.

I feel sorry for you hon. It sounds like you don't have a real partnership, just a room-mate. Your feelings, your needs, your wants, are not part of the equation at all. Feeling stuck and being desperate to keep things 'As they Were' can also make it easier for you to lie a little to yourself about what is really going on. If I carried on like your SO my wife would have walked a long long time ago.

A gender therapist job is to help people make the right choices. Sure, everyone has fleeting thoughts, moments of fantasies, of life on the other side of the fence. Thinking that you may be trans is usually a lot different. There is big denial factor so the Yes I am... No I am not, is not all that uncommon. But add in all the other 'Odd' behaviors you are right to be worried. If the therapist doesn't hear the truth, but what is needed to get the job done, then there isn't much you can do about it. Besides some reality therapy with him. Put your foot down, get involved, to even getting out.

TBH - No sane person wants to be trans. Or, as my wife put it to me; "No one in their right mind WANTS to be a 50 year old woman". Well we both kind of sort of knew it wasn't that I wanted to be one, I fought the feelings for decades. The reality is I am a woman on the inside and always was, always will be no matter how hard I try fight it

Hi
I just wanted to acknowledge I have read your post... It's late here in New Zealand but will reply tomorrow. I'm a significant other as well. Talk soon Marie


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Hopefully I can bring a little clarity. What people are confident saying and what they are thinking can be two different things. Even more, some things can seem too horrible to even consider. For most of my life I had no idea I was trans or even what it was. I had a deep set dissatisfaction. I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't know what. The first time I even began to suspect I buried it deeply for almost another decade. When I finally confronted it it took me three months to believe it and now, two and a half years later, almost 23 months into transition I still occasionally entertain doubts. Your partner likely fears losing literally everything and now, with current politics it feels like painting a target on your back.

None of this excuses your partner shutting you out, but hopefully it makes a little more sense.

I understand that many people have their doubts and dont want to be transgender so thats why I find it so weird that my partner absolutley loves being trans, wears it like a fashion label, tells everybody that we meet that they are trans and says that women are really bad ass.
It seems to me like it is really getting to their head and they said that they didn't even have any thoughts about it until meeting someone on tumblr who then basically put all the thoughts into her head hence why I do feel its false belief.

I know my partner really well and I know how they will easily believe anything if they lie/think about it enough, like I said they dont care what anybody else wants they will just do whatever.

I feel terrible writing all this but I really have no place else to go because im not allowed to speak to people about it, I just really dont want them to start hormones im happy for her to express herself in any other way apart from with hormones but she doesnt want any form of surgery because she doesnt like it so I guess hormones is the only option. She will be having so many different types of them aswell and like I said I only found out by finding the letter, I wasnt even told.

I guess at the end of the day I cant continue with this relationship if they start hormones and that us the worse thing at the moment, i really cannot lose them but also cant face them on hormones.

Once again im sorry for coming on here to talk about it and I really dont want to upset anybody but this has caused me so much stress that ive actually got really sick from it and the doctors have said its all because of this stress so I just need somewhere to vent.

I don't think you've upset anyone. I was passing on my experience so you could see if it made sense in your case. Many of us, if not all, at Susan's are aware that being trans is "trendy". Some people just claim it to be cool. Only your partner, if anyone, really knows what's in their head.

Really, all of that is immaterial. You need to do what's best for you, not what's best for your partner. How can we be offended by that?

I'm Confused...

How does this:

Quote from: Kei1 on July 22, 2016, 08:45:03 AM
I understand that many people have their doubts and dont want to be transgender so thats why I find it so weird that my partner absolutley loves being trans, wears it like a fashion label, tells everybody that we meet that they are trans and says that women are really bad ass.

Reconcile with...

Quote... because im not allowed to speak to people about it

HRT and it's effects is often a deal breaker. While my wife knew of my "gender issues" from day 1 some nearly 40 years ago. Seven years ago the decades of Not Handling being trans caught up with me. While it was my wife who said "I think you ready for HRT if that is what you want", the B-cups I now have bother her a lot, like a real really lot when it comes to physical intimacy.

Ah im sorry im not very good at wording things my partner is allowed to tell absolutley anybody they want to but im not allowed to speak to my own friends about them and how I feel if that makes sense? Like they say its not about me and its about them so I need to learn to get on with it and can't talk to my own friends about it becaise its talking behind my partners back even if I really need the support

Basically they feel that I dont need support to as it only effects them in their opinion.

Hi again
Gosh I just read your post again now and I feel for you... And her to be honest with you. I can see a few similarities between your situation and mine from last November. I really only have one suggestion and I call it that as its not advice it's just a suggestion:) Only you know what will make you happy and what you can and cannot live with... Try not to make any rash decisions as somethings may never happen so it's not worth worrying about them... But you must put yourself first and work out well and truly what you need. I understand not being able to talk to anyone... I wasn't allowed to when my special person came out to me either and it broke me in the end (in lots of ways).. You need people to talk to.. All your emotions could build up and come rushing out otherwise in a way you may not want them to. I was confused by one bit you mentioned you love her for who she is.. But need to leave if she takes hormones, is this because you cannot be attracted to a woman? Sorry to ask... it does seem things have moved very fast for your partner which makes its equally hard on you to catch up with where they're at. Is it at all possible to ask her to talk the process through with you? Thinking of you Marie


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While it is not a perfect solution, my wife would say "My husband is involved with another woman" to be able to talk to others without exposing the truth. Well, I am involved with another woman, it just happens to be I am both husband and woman.

Hi Kei1

I don't know about advice but I can tell you how I feel. I am 52 and have known since I was 5 or 6 that something was not right for me and I have fought since then until finally in early 2014 I finally laid it all on the line for the third and final time. I decided to have yet another go at getting some help. This time I finally found it and am now in transition. I have have had and will continue to have counseling (my choice) because transition is a tough gig. Do I want to be Trans....hell no...at times it can be an absolute nightmare...life is hard enough without throwing this in the mix.

One of the things that terrified me was telling my wife. I told her before we got married that I thought I was a cross dresser but I also didn't mention I had 4 years previously sought professional help with "my issues", with a view to transition. So she was basically in the dark but every step I have taken this time has been in consultation with her. I have written many posts about my frustration at my progress whilst waiting for my partner to "catch me up". But it has been well worth the wait and any minor sacrifice I may have made. She has difficulties and when I ask her she says she is taking one day at a time and I believe her. But over all she is happy with how things are going...I am not sure if she would even have the "old me" back if it were possible to bring the "old me" back.

Transition is a tough gig for the person going through it but in many ways for the partner it can be just as difficult different but no less difficult. Consideration for you should always be part of the plan...is your partner talking about staying with you?

HRT may well be just what your partner needs...I have no doubt that if you were not trans, then having MTF HRT would be a very unpleasant experience, where as, for me, it is better than anything I have experienced in my life and makes me feel whole, quietens my Dysphoria to a mere storm in comparison to what it was. I sleep better, I used to have the awful, awful, vivid nightmares.. I have an appetite for the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel happy, apparently overall I am a nicer person to be around and I love the way it makes me feel...it feels like everything is going to be Okay.

I hope both you and your partner can work it out and I really do feel for you.

Liz

Quote from: Kei1 on July 22, 2016, 05:25:29 AM
t a while ago she changed her mind and said that she wasn't a girl anymore to which I was more confused,

This stood out to me. Perhaps ask her if you can accompany her the therapist visits. This may help her if the seriousness of this move is not understood. Hormones don't just change the way you look and perhaps she doesn't realize that perception, moods and sex drive can all be effects. And it is alarming that she has never presented to you.
Of course I cannot know, but what I read said to me that your partner just might be most happy as a CD, And there is certainly nothing wrong with that.

The main reason I dont want my partner to take hormones is because I dont want them to make a mistake, I would rather she waits a while until she has actually presented as a female to me and then we can both be sure that is definitely what she wants, at the moment she doesnt seem bothered and all she cares about is taking hormones but im trying to tell her to maybe try and present as a female first before doing something so life changing cause like I said I don't fully buy her as being trans since she is literally so happy to be trans and uses it as a fashion statement to everyone else which is very strange behaviour. The gender clinic that my partner goes to have a policy that you only need to go to three appointments and then you can get hormones which I feel is pretty wrong since my partner hasnt even presented as being female yet.

I honestly do just feel like they have forced themselves to believe it even if they aren't, my friend is a physchiatrist and has worked with people with gender identity issues and ive spoken to her and she says that none of what my partner says or does adds up to any other MtF person she has spoken to.

I just cant get through to her and tell her that I think she should wait a while until she has actually presented herself as female to others. Ive tried a lot to help her present as a fmale and even been clothes shopping with her and showed her some female clothes that I thought would suit her nicely and she just wasn't interested in any of it and then went shopping later on and bought loads of items from the male section of a shop.

The other thing with my partner is that she really doesnt like being wrong or admitting that she made a mistake and has on many occasions continued to say she was something that she isnt because she didnt want to be wrong and to tell people that it wasn't the truth.

Im just so so worried that its going to be a big mistake.
Shes currently sat with me wearing male cargo pants and a male tshirt and ive tried to help her buy some nice femanine looking Jeans and she just wasn't interested.

Im also really worried because I had a conversation with her about the affects of hormones and I actually knew more about taking them then she does to the point that she didn't believe me on some of the things I said and had to google it herself. Now its really worrying if someone is a couple weeks away from taking hormones and doesn't actually know much about them!

I was on hormones a three of years before going full time and unfortunately they didn't make much difference in my ability to pass as a male but results will differ depending on your genetics. In addition, modern treatment now includes testosterone blocker which reduce or eliminate the dysphoria and also remove the drive to transition. I have seen members on the site who think they are "cured" and discontinue treatment only to have the dysphoria return again. Others live comfortably on HRT without transitioning. I don't have enough information to tell you what exactly is going on here but possibly these thoughts and this thread will be food for thought.

Again, I sense there is a very large lack of real communication taking place. I do sympathize with the "presenting as female" desire of yours. But... if your SO says the right things to the therapist, a CYA letter is their future and HRT will likely start ASAP.

This presents two possibilities 1) She is lying or otherwise not telling you everything, Or 2) Hoping that he says the right things to get what he wants from the medical professionals.

In some countries the general rule is you must "Live in the role" for some time before starting HRT. The WPATH standards do not require presenting as your preferred gender as a criteria. Most doctors prefer having the CYA letter, even in case of "Informed Consent" administration of HRT. Lawyers. The system relies a lot on no one WANTS to be trans. But people are people and they are known to do odd things

Of course, shame and guilt may be behind not telling you, their (hopefully) SO and life life partner. My wife was never told flat out that the only hope wish dream I ever had, or have, is to be a woman. THere were a lot of wiggle words used as she was told my history with transitioning and the on again off again HRT use. I hoped and wanted to be able to be "Normal". The shame and guilt may be behind why cannot talk openly about him being trans and the full-speed-ahead.

It is possible to be on HRT, have a B cup and still present primarily as male. Bruce Jenner and I are examples of it. Except I don't have that Jenner $$$$ and need my job in order for my wife and I to survive. The only people I am open to about  being trans are within the confines of support groups. When I am out in the real world presenting as the real me I am just a woman.

A funny thing about HRT, if taken by someone who is not trans, it can turn out badly. A famous example is Alan Turing, the genius WW2 code breaker, and embarrassment gay guy back in the day when being gay was illegal in the UK.

Like others have said, communication is the key - but if you can't get her to communicate with you, there's not much else you can do. You could try changing the tack of the conversation - ask her what her plans are, and if you don't phrase it as a plea to stop, you may get more information and you might be able to work out a plan that suits you both. Also, if she doesn't know much about HRT, you could do the research and present it to her and you might be able to start a reasonable conversation that way.

Quote from: JoanneB on July 23, 2016, 08:09:01 PM
A funny thing about HRT, if taken by someone who is not trans, it can turn out badly. A famous example is Alan Turing, the genius WW2 code breaker, and embarrassment gay guy back in the day when being gay was illegal in the UK.

Just to elaborate, Turing didn't CHOOSE to take HRT - he was given the choice of prison for two years, or chemical castration, and chose the latter, a choice which lead to his suicide. This is quite a different situation than your partner is in because Turing was forced to do it...

I totally agree with others communication is the key to getting through this, that and acceptance if you can. This has to work for both parties:) sending you loads of virtual support X


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im confused what you mean.  your first sentence says your partner is MtF and does not want to change, then does and throught your entire post you refer to your partner has her.  that alone tells me you support your partner's decision to go from MtF. 

Just talk with her, show her how important you being a part of this is and how important your partner is to you.  Do not put your expectations on to them and expect your reality to become theirs.  If you love them, be a part of their reality and have no expectations just offer up love, understanding and trust and the rest will follow the path it is meant to be on. 

Kei,

I can sympathize, you both sound quite young and communication can be harder without the miles and years of practice. The fears of 'who is she talking to, what are they saying' are familiar as well.


I wouldn't worry about the hrt. Physical changes take time and many are reversible. There could be some very positive sides to starting hrt soon and in any case before trying to pass. She can see what life is like with estrogen replacing testosterone. You may also find she becomes easier to communicate with and of course she may also find that it doesn't actually suit her or she may be more comfortable gender fluid.

Like some others have said, it's rarely easy, as one other poster has said, my gf has shown little interest in my now growing breasts -- which was true before HRT, I would want her to play with them and she'd hold my shoulders instead, often heightening my dysphoria.

I'm strongly aspergian and would suggest you ask her to accommodate what you need to feel heard and suggest you do what you can to accommodate ways an NT person can misread someone on the spectrum.

Best wishes,

SB