I posted this here because I don't know where else to post. Its not exactly about detransition, but anyways, just some feelings of doubt.

I don't think I wanna detransition, and I don't think I can really anyway, I am 10 years down the line lets just say it would be complicated and probably would not make me happier. I've had chest surgery and been on T for 10 years.

I was always an anxious/depressed person since I can remember and surprise surprise that hasn't changed, but I never thought it would, I didn't think transitioning would fix it, I understand this is part of who I am. What has changed for the worse is how isolated and estranged I feel.

I think it has a lot to do with feeling invisible and also kind of unable to connect to anyone, I am struggling to have any hope or meaning, I used to, before transitioning, be part of quite a political lgbtq and feminist community.. I was out as trans but hadn't taken steps to medically transition.

Back then.. who I was seemed to be welcomed and almost celebrated, helped me feel comfortable to be a trans masculine person, when everyone outside still saw me as female. I had lots of friends of all types, ftms, mtfs, non-binary/genderqueer, lesbians, butches, femmes, pansexuals, gay men. But the more I passed as male the more estranged/voiceless/invisible I felt in this community because people I think subconsciously just started to see me as straight, or maybe just not as interesting or radical.

Anyway, that community has completely transformed now, and I just feel completely unwelcome. So I have distanced myself from it because trying to be in it was causing me more anxiety than just being by apart from it. Another important factor in this distancing was I was also in a long term abusive relationship where I was emotionally controlled and also physically assaulted, I was much younger then, had very low self esteem... I lost a lot of friends through that too, because some people were and are still friends with her she was a figurehead in someways in that community as she hosted many parties and political rallies.
Anyway that was a long time ago and have moved since that relationship and still faced the difficult problems  connecting in the lgbtq community, I just am not visible or perhaps not viable.

At the same time its not like I feel magically part of the cis male world, like now I pass most of the time I still feel like I am just about 'getting away with it', I didn't grow up male and still don't have the same 'equipment', I still don't really know how to connect with straight men or gay men for that matter. I go to the gym a lot to try and feel strong, and physically I am, I feel like I can almost resemble be comparible to, but still not, like when in a changing room full of men naked and me scuttling off to a toilet to change, or going to the stall to pee when men use urinals, I still feel just different, and like part of me is a secret and hidden. I know visibility comes with problems too.. but its strange, I feel like I've been extradited from the lgbt community to the cis straight world but without proper documentation.. like I am just a stranger.

I find it hard to connect with anyone, and the less I see people the more anxious I feel when I do see people, in a way I think I still connect more with women, but they don't wanna connect with me because maybe they see me as a a potential threat. I just see a world moving around and I am just watching it from the outside. 

If anyone has any advice or maybe just similar experiences, it would be nice to hear other peoples stories, perspectives.

Love,

Bear Face 83

Welcome to Susan's Place and you will always be welcome here. I am 34 years post surgical and we have a small population of post surgical members. Unfortunately it's not well balanced and tends to be a bit heavy on the MTF side. I was away from the transsexual crowd for around 30 years and only came to this site about a year ago when I was seeking information on voice surgery. I had the surgery and felt what I knew would be useful to others on the site.

In my therapy group years ago, my doctors said the most successful transition was one where after treatment was complete, the person faded into society and was never heard from again. I think that was and is true so in a way, our transitions were successful. But I feel there is another side because of our experience. We are so few in number and because of the struggle we faced, we feel the need to pass what we learned on to the ones still in the transition .

We are safe in the T community and we can talk freely, a freedom we don't have in the CIS community. Outside of this site, the only one I talk to is my mother and even with her, I have to be careful how much I talk about. Stealth has it's disadvantages.

I am not so sure the community has changed from what it was before. I suspect it may be more the communities perception of us has been altered as we are now seen and CIS normal and our past is forgotten. I have grown comfortable in both communities but while I don't advertise my past, I don't worry about it being exposed. My past is a part of who I am and it made me what I am today.

I don't know how much therapy you had while you were transitioning but it's possible a few hours with a therapist might put things in a different perspective. I had about 8 years of therapy before surgery and post surgical monitoring which pretty much cleaned up any issues I might have had.

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Thanks, Its nice to hear your perspective, I probably should look into therapy, I didn't get any of that through my transition. I suppose I just need to see if there is anything affordable, I am on meds for depression which helps a little bit but therapy is expensive. We'll see. Maybe just a good self help book.. if not I am open to anything. 

I think therapy would help. I'm doing CBT for my social anxiety which is going great. Some LGBT charities also do mentor/mentees type programs. You could look into that to give you that sense of reconnection.

I'm not in your situation, but not really happy where I am either. I'd regret being trans and everything since then, except what other choices are there? I feel its a bit like picking between bad and worse, so I just need to pick bad and accepting it.

The odd thing is there are days when I'm quite happy with it all. Not sure where that's coming from.

I don't connect well with most people - most have little in common with me quite apart from the trans thing, but you know, there's more to life than other people. I'm definitely not expecting my social life to rocket after transition or anything. I expect I will indeed be seen as far more threatening than I currently seem. I just really did not want to face that same problem while loathing my own body.

I just keep busy - I have an art business which is currently busy, and while I sit there during the day working on sculptures (which in itself is tedious and requires a lot of patience), I play documentaries and youtube videos at the same time absorbing knowledge in topics I'm interested in, so my brain is always active even if my body ain't doing much. And it honestly feels like there won't be nearly enough years of life to fit in all this stuff I want to learn and do. And you meet like-minded people while doing actual activities rather than just say, going to a watering hole or a workplace. Maybe try some activities where you'll immediately fit in with people.

Case in point - I went paintballing with a few people from uni at one time. Didn't really know these people that well but they had a spare ticket and asked me if I wanted to tag along. I said yes, and once everyone was suited up at the venue, you just get down to it and it's great fun. Didn't have to know anybody's names, didn't even have to be teamed up with the people I knew. Just a fun experience and glad I went. Another time I joined a caving club there and knew nobody... but the experience of potholing and then all meeting up in the pub afterwards was fine. You have something to talk about that you all just experienced together whether you know the people or not. And I'm not great with people or anything, it just helps to have something in common or a common interest for sure. Otherwise when you stick people together in a room they have to search for something to say and aren't always going to come up with a reason to hang around each other unless they're forced to. And to me that's why most workplaces, school etc. always sucked. No common interest.

I'm ftm, and even though I'm in a different place, I want to let you know that I have heard similar stories from some ftm. It's not that rare especially for those who were involved in some sort of lesbian/queer community.
Generally several trans men told me that they somehow feel like they don't belong to the cis male population and have a hard time connecting.

Maybe your way out of the isolation would be to meet other trans men who feel the same as you?

Have a [hug]. Sounds like you need one - I can totally relate, I don't get the cis male world either.

Sno

I don't believe we can totally forget what we are. I am not a believer in stealth and because I'm fortunate to live in Bangkok I can be in a society that no one cares. Here I'm proud to be the 3rd gender. I don't have many tg friends and most are cis. But honestly I don't care. I lead a normal hectic busy and fufill in life..I'm livingy dream

Quote from: bear_face_83 on July 06, 2016, 02:18:56 AMthat community has completely transformed now, and I just feel completely unwelcome. So I have distanced myself from it because trying to be in it was causing me more anxiety than just being by apart from it. Another important factor in this distancing was I was also in a long term abusive relationship where I was emotionally controlled and also physically assaulted, I was much younger then, had very low self esteem... I lost a lot of friends through that too, because some people were and are still friends with her she was a figurehead in someways in that community as she hosted many parties and political rallies.

Well this sounds horribly familiar to me, friend. I am so sorry to hear you had that experience too.   

What helped me was spending more time with straight people; they dont have the chaos and trauma that lgbt people can develop, which can make the atmosphere less drama-y and high stakes. and in a funny way they can be ~less~ judgemental, more open-minded. I owe my survival to my origami club, i.e.

I think it's really courageous of you to distance yourself from a bad crowd, which can be so difficult to do - esp when you're lgbt and they're your "people".

Quote from: bear_face_83 on July 06, 2016, 02:18:56 AM

I find it hard to connect with anyone, and the less I see people the more anxious I feel when I do see people, in a way I think I still connect more with women, but they don't wanna connect with me because maybe they see me as a a potential threat. I just see a world moving around and I am just watching it from the outside. 

  i am the last person that should be giving advice at this time in my life, but my heart goes out to you. i hope you have done as suggested and found a therapist.
  i would say you need to try avoiding anything that drops your self-esteem and steer your self to anything that increases it. if you have any bad feelings about changing in a locker room dont use it. i have been a member of a gym in the past and was not odd for me to show up in my sweats and leave in them.
  i was given a link to a youtube channel by a very smart lady here (The Transition Channel). in one of the videos it explained things to do when coming out and i realize you have done this, but step 10 (Optional Steps Before Coming Out as Transgender) talks about people you choose to be around. avoid complainers and negative people.