I'm in a different section of the boat you are. "Somewhere" on the spectrum. I like to counsel "It easy to figure out if you are trans, if you are asking, you are. The hard part is sorting out where you are on the spectrum, and that can change daily it seems".

After seven years of taking on the beast for real, having lived for several of them part-time as a woman, achieving my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman (least not having rocks or laughter thrown my way) and amazingly being able to, so far, keep my marriage and career together, I present primarily as male. Almost seven years back on HRT, first low again then full, has given me a B cup and a body I am now comfortable living in. Most days I feel I obtained my goal of sorting out how to get these two seemingly disparate aspects of myself to live in peace and am no longer that lifeless, soulless "Thing" I was for decades.

Over the past few months the reality of juggling priorities and needs of both myself and my life partners, purely technically speaking, Today, in a broad sense I am Non-Binary. I found if I think in those terms I keep myself from making the leaps of logic that go:
A) I know I am not Cis, therefore I must be trans
B) I know I am trans, therefore only if I "Transition" I can find peace and be happy

Well.... I did transition. I CHANGED in many positive ways to be the person I always wanted to be. Is it perfect? No, Better then before, YES! Do I "Need" to transition? Luckily not today or most days, just want to. Is the "Want" enough to make me put at risk great portions of the 80% of me that always feels authentic in the quest to obtain 100% authenticity by living full time as female? Again, most days it isn't that bad.

My therapist said to me "Don't get hung up on labels...." But thinking in terms of Non-Binary does allow me not fixate on the "Now What?" It is a large umbrella term that is a subset of the even larger TG term.

Today, it is working. Makes my wife a bit nervous but as she will tell you, it's a lot better then finding me swinging my neck on the end of a rope in the garage.

@ Terri: I was prescribed anti depressants many years ago by a GP, I've been on and off various types for twenty years.
Joanne, either the boat we're on is smaller than you think, or its huge and we have adjoining cabins 
Like with all boats, we're going to be at the mercy of the sea until we find a safe harbour 

I''ll let y'all know if/when the appointment happens and what goes on. Big step.

Eegh. They tracked me down and phoned my work phone yesterday, telling me my GP has requested an appointment for a 'non urgent' result. I told them I was busy and would book in when I get a chance. 

Rafaela, you can either make decisions about your life, or your life will make decisions for you. I know it's scary, sweetie, but the fear will pass, slowly perhaps, but it will subside. You will be surprised what you can do once you give yourself permission to live your own life.

With kindness,

Terri

Okay... I'm booked in for results. I've drawn up a spreadsheet with what I've taken, when, and for how long. It remains to be seen if it... is seen. Come Friday night we'll all know 

So not looking forward to this. 

Although I have seen a psychologist and have been taking HRT under the supervision of a Dr for a while now, I just told my primary care provider about it all two days ago.  (This is the first time I saw her since beginning this journey)

The anticipation is a whole lot worse than the actual thing.  Once I started speaking the words flowed easily.

Just do it and you will feel a whole lot better afterwards.  The Dr is bound by confidentiality so nothing bad can happen. 

I'm in Sydney and I've done a lot of odd things with doctors. Still doing them too, but I'm getting better.

The first doctor I saw was at a clinic known to do trans work so I went a along and told them I was about to start HRT and could I get a blood test. She wasn't very happy with me and said she'd not prescribe it. I replied that's ok, I'm not asking, I just want the blood test. And that was it. I got another one 6 weeks later to check the before/after difference. The worst they can do is not treat you and you have to find another one.

I never went back after that as when she did prescribe HRT it was Premarin, and I'm not seeing anyone who does that, or anyone else in a clinic that allows it.

Eventually I started seeing a specialist endo and my current GP has no idea I'm trans. He's got no need to know so he doesn't. These days I'm mainly interested in keeping the number of people who know down to a minimum as I don't want any chance of it leaking out. I'm totally over the difficulty of actually telling them and I wouldn't mind telling them if only they didn't write it down, but they do.

I know it all sounds a bit crazy, and perhaps it is. However I'd suggest don't worry about what the doctor thinks. There's nothing they can do to you except refuse to see you anymore, and apart from that who cares what they think. If they don't like it just make sure you can find another one, because you do actually need one. There's too many things that can go wrong, and not just the obvious. I've found its quite stressful not having anyone you can rely on.

Quote from: AnonyMs on July 27, 2016, 05:46:39 AM

Eventually I started seeing a specialist endo and my current GP has no idea I'm trans. He's got no need to know so he doesn't.

My primary care provider is an Nurse Practitioner working for the Army.  So now it's on my "permanent record".  LOL

I figured it was easier to tell what I was doing with HRT and provide her with my other blood tests than it would be to equivocate if her blood tests looked unusual in some way. 

Plus, with my hair and HRT effects such as they are I probably look weird without some explanation.  It felt really good getting past that secret also.

Thanks girls, I'm hoping to blitz it "grenade style" but I like to be prepared for anything. You should see what I take camping. In the event of a zombie apocalypse I'd rock.
So based on informed consent meaning you know the risks, here's my list (please add to it!!)

Spiro: hyperkalemia, low blood pressure, dehydration, hyponatremia, sexual dysfunction, loss of libido, sterility, testicular atrophy, gynecomastia
Finasteride: depression, sexual dysfunction
Oestrogen (including valerate, 17 beta, micronised etc): dvt, gynecomastia, increased risk of t2 diabetes, cholesterol and triglyceride increase, suppression of t, low energy, mood swings, deteriorating eyesight
Progesterone: oily skin, weight gain, increased chance of prolactinoma, spontaneous nipple discharge

Why would you DO THIS unless the other option is WORSE!?! I know much of this is related to incorrect dosage, improper monitoring, and the use of non bio-identical forms, but the dangers are real, so knowing your 5h17 when the questions come is better than ignoring low probability outcomes.

One day to go....

Quote from: Rafaela on July 27, 2016, 06:15:09 PM
Oestrogen (including valerate, 17 beta, micronised etc): dvt, gynecomastia, increased risk of t2 diabetes, cholesterol and triglyceride increase, suppression of t, low energy, mood swings, deteriorating eyesight

Bioidentical estradiol has none of these adverse effects if you don't use the oral route.

QuoteProgesterone: oily skin, weight gain, increased chance of prolactinoma, spontaneous nipple discharge

Where did you get that ? AFAIK progesterone is not known to have any of these adverse effects when used at physiological dosages...

According to my DR, those risks are minimal as long as you are in otherwise good health.  I have experienced zero adverse effects from using estradiol, spiritual, and progesterone.  My blood pressure has actually gotten a little bit better, maybe from removing the chronic stress.

I know the risks are low when using bio-identical forms and avoiding first pass liver methods of ingestion. What I'm putting together is a list of all the worst case side effects so it's obvious to my GP that I'm not living in some fantasy world taking serious drugs like they're candy. They're not. Anyone who decides to selfmed had better know that what they're doing can be dangerous, even life-threatening. I'm trying to get under REAL supervision and monitoring, which is very difficult to do without your own lab.
Side note: spiro is well known to improve blood pressure in those with hypertension.... hell some people are even prescribed spiro for that very reason

In 6 hours I'm going in. No going back from having it on the permanent patient record   

Well it's done.

I waited for my GP to talk through all the results for lfts and triglycerides and blood glucose etc etc and I'm actually in better shape than I was three months ago. Except for T. So I explained to him why t was so low by dumping a spreadsheet of everything I've taken in the last 6 months on the desk and apologising for misleading him. To say he was taken aback is an understatement. But he was cool, and slightly curious and then warmed up and asked me a few questions and then gave me a referral to an endocrinologist!

Apart from going bright red in the face while I explained my mental state and dying from embarrassment it went pretty well. Would go into more detail, but I'm outta time (like the delorian )

Glad to hear this, your long term health, both mentally and physically can only benefit. All the best.

Quote from: Rafaela on July 29, 2016, 05:09:32 AM
Well it's done.

I waited for my GP to talk through all the results for lfts and triglycerides and blood glucose etc etc and I'm actually in better shape than I was three months ago. Except for T. So I explained to him why t was so low by dumping a spreadsheet of everything I've taken in the last 6 months on the desk and apologising for misleading him. To say he was taken aback is an understatement. But he was cool, and slightly curious and then warmed up and asked me a few questions and then gave me a referral to an endocrinologist!

Apart from going bright red in the face while I explained my mental state and dying from embarrassment it went pretty well. Would go into more detail, but I'm outta time (like the delorian )

Yay! I'm so happy for you! Now you can officially take the next step in your journey. <3

The first time talking about it is always the worst.  Then after you find out the earth isn't going to open up and swallow you whole it gets easier. 

Also, if you can do this with a prescription rather than on your own the mess will be a lot less expensive. 

Good for you!  :-)

Quote from: Deborah on July 29, 2016, 07:05:16 AM
The first time talking about it is always the worst.  Then after you find out the earth isn't going to open up and swallow you whole it gets easier. 

Also, if you can do this with a prescription rather than on your own the mess will be a lot less expensive. 

Good for you!  :-)

+1

And the lightning bolt didn't come out from the clear blue sky to incinerate you either. And... Oh yes, the meteorite. I barely dodged that one once thanks to my excellent peripheral vision 

BTW - After having done the DIY route and eventually "coming clean" I experienced first hand the difference in a known quality source and.... perhaps questionable off-shore source.

Just wanted to say thanks for the support, I'm definitely on the second leg of the journey now. No lightning bolt, no meteorite, but would have been okay with the ground beneath my chair cracking open and swallowing me up on the day. Next will be the endo consult, which may be worse, or better. Worse as she might refuse to prescribe, better as it needs to be done sooner or later and having gone official once it hopefully won't be as big a deal in the next chair.
Anyone got any 'first time at at the endo' stories to share?

The endo was easy compared to the first time uttering the words.

I'm not sure where you are or what rules your endo will follow.  Some endos in the US require a letter from a psychologist and others only require your consent.  So it might be worth checking in advance.

My first visit was pretty short.  The NP asked me a couple of questions, verified my psych letter, checked my vitals, and took some blood.  She sent my prescription immediately that day.  It was all very pleasant and low stress.  The place I went serves the LGBT community in Atlanta so I was nothing new to them.  I want to add that they actually seem to care too.  My NP asked me privately last time how everything was going with my wife.

They'll want to see you again in around three months and then every six months after that to draw blood and make sure everything is ok.  Mine listens to me and adjusts the meds according to what I am feeling and within the limits of her professional judgement. 

 
So I rang to make the booking today, and the receptionist asked me what for. I said to see the endocrinologist. She then said they don't deal with men and male hormones in that office... so I answered that my referral was not for that. So she starts getting all uppity.
"What... are you transgender?"
"Something like that"
---- loooong pause-----
"she won't be able to prescribe you anything without a letter."
"I don't need a prescription, I need an endocrinologist."

It was horrible... is she a nurse? a temp? A receptionist? Who am I giving my details and personal info to? I have a referral!!!! Is this not enough?!

So it's booked in for mid october. I really felt like she was doing me a favour. Really disappointed.