Ok so I've posted a few things in hear already and got great replies from some of you.. But even though I keep figuring things out I can't tell if this is all my horrible OCD or me really being MTF...
Bottom line my quesiton will be this... Anyone had a similar experience to mine? I'll relate it in the following sentences/paragraphs.
I'm 28 years of age. Thought that I could be gay came to my mind when I was 17 or so and then went away, came back at around 20 something. Never acted on it since it actually made me anxious and used to like women... then I was diagnosed with homosexual OCD. I've always had issues with my image, but mostly due to people making fun of my face and such when I was younger (some sort of bullying but not as bad - I'd just take everything really really bad - mainly due to OCD again and anxiety in general)... Thoughts of maybe being MTF came to me only a year ago... out of nowhere, I think watching a movie. I've always felt a little different in the sense at least that I'm not aggressive. Let's say that I have the tipical personality of a person with Klinefelters. Up until not too long ago I've always thought that I liked women (even though I still doubted if I was bi or not)... but since the MTF thought kicked in the back of my mind I can't tell anymore if I like them or if I want to be like them/see myself in them... I have this tendency of wanted to shift my facial and body features around when I see myself at a mirror. Kind of like with my mind I try to move my body around to imagine it the way I want. This never happened to the point I imagined myself as a woman. However, I've come to realize that I do the same when I see women, not future if it's because I like them, or If because that could potentially be me and don't like how I would look, hence I start "moving" things around as well... When I see men I don't have the urge to do this. It's like not sure... I've lost all natural attraction for women due to this. It's just crazy. I feel like my whole life has been a dream now... Why now out of nowhere?
Most stories I've read in multiple forums don't seem to go through this. Somehow, they knew a little bit since they were little, or they cross dressed when they were kids but stopped because it was wrong and then went on with their regular gender assigned lives.

This is so confusing... I'm not sure what's real and what's not anymore.. sigh...

Thank you all for reading my mess again.

There really isn't a 'standard' or 'typical' transgender experience.  Many of us do have shared common events from childhood. Many don't.

Your OCD and past, possibly incorrect diagnosis could be leading to more confusion than others have experienced.  That's OK.  It can all be sorted out eventually.  I think the important thing is where you are at right now, how you feel right now, and what pathways are best for you moving forward.

My experience has been that a therapist is very helpful in sorting through the mental clutter and confusion, and keeping me from 'getting stuck in a loop', iterating over the same thoughts again and again while getting nowhere. I also have been keeping a diary, and will look back through it from time to time to see how my thinking has changed, what tracks I examined and abandoned, and what seems to be working for me over time.

Until I developed a typical female form, I had looked at women much in the same way. They had features that I wanted. These days, some women mention they are jealous of my 5' 10" height, and my figure. Not all, but some women (trans, or cis) seem to share that trait.

I personally am always turning an envious eye towards women every day.  I sometimes feel like I'm just obsessed with women/femininity.  Also, I used to have a ton of guilt because i thought i was being a typical lustful guy.  Then it clicked one day that it's only that They look the way I should.  The only advice I can offer is that you should trust yourself to know your feelings best.  Just let yourself sort things out, and try not to panic in the meantime.  I know it is tough.

Maybe it will help to hear from a trans guy....Seems like trans folk go through this same experience regardless of whether they are FTM or MTF.  It is really hard to put into words. I can relate to what you said about ' Am I attracted to this person because it's sexual or because that's who I want to be?"  I struggled with that for a while.

When I was young I felt very male and hetero. I feel like the confusion came from the fact that I was not in the correct body. Like I could look at a stereotypical romance narrative in a movie, for example, and simultaneously hate the male lead because he was getting the woman I knew I couldn't have, yet I also thought "Yeah, that's me, I'm hot, aren't I?", and then anxiety because I thought he was hot enough for her to want, which made me wonder if I were feeling some attraction...and really, if you are even slightly bisexual, that could be true, but it doesn't mean that you have to stay in the body you don't want to be in. But our enemies would have us believe that is the case. You give them an inch and they will take a mile.

In that sense, I feel like it is important to keep the sexuality part of it off the table for a bit. Or at least look at it like "Well, would I feel *more* comfortable in all of my attractions if my current body or in a trans body?"  Personally, I felt like as a guy I could finally be free to choose whoever I want and not care what society or anyone else thinks about it. But staying in my female persona there was way more anger.

I think I am going through a similar situation right now. I'm 20 and biologically female and probably about a year ago I started seriously questioning my gender. I remember thinking about it before, too, and thinking something like "yeah, I guess I'm a girl" and then suddenly I wasn't so sure anymore. I also thought I might be homosexual since about the age of 12 but it took me like seven years to accept it. And with all this gender confusion I haven't been so sure for a while. I don't know if it's possible or if it makes any sense but I came to realize that I feel like I'm gay, but I don't think I'm attracted to women... I guess that's one of the reasons I started questioning my gender. And I remember once when I was struggling with my sexual/romantic orientation I though "I want to be a gay guy" and thinking that made me feel really happy and at peace.

I also remember realizing that maybe I was looking at guys in a way that I wished I would look like them but I don't think I kept thinking about it too much since I also started thinking that I might be pan or something way else. So yeah, I'm really confused about both my sexuality and gender and I know the feeling "why now out of nowhere?", and it makes me really unsure about everything. I'm trying to figure out whether these feelings are real or I have just imagined everything for some unknown reason... And it's really scary and confusing. I know this probably wasn't that much of help but it made me feel a bit better to know that others have felt something like this too.

Quote from: Jeren on July 26, 2016, 08:29:49 AM
I think I am going through a similar situation right now. I'm 20 and biologically female and probably about a year ago I started seriously questioning my gender. I remember thinking about it before, too, and thinking something like "yeah, I guess I'm a girl" and then suddenly I wasn't so sure anymore. I also thought I might be homosexual since about the age of 12 but it took me like seven years to accept it. And with all this gender confusion I haven't been so sure for a while. I don't know if it's possible or if it makes any sense but I came to realize that I feel like I'm gay, but I don't think I'm attracted to women... I guess that's one of the reasons I started questioning my gender. And I remember once when I was struggling with my sexual/romantic orientation I though "I want to be a gay guy" and thinking that made me feel really happy and at peace.

I also remember realizing that maybe I was looking at guys in a way that I wished I would look like them but I don't think I kept thinking about it too much since I also started thinking that I might be pan or something way else. So yeah, I'm really confused about both my sexuality and gender and I know the feeling "why now out of nowhere?", and it makes me really unsure about everything. I'm trying to figure out whether these feelings are real or I have just imagined everything for some unknown reason... And it's really scary and confusing. I know this probably wasn't that much of help but it made me feel a bit better to know that others have felt something like this too.

God.. feels good not to be alone. I also get some reasurance which leads me to think it's OCD as well. Everything so confusing !

Quote from: jmandrews74 on July 26, 2016, 12:05:57 AM
Maybe it will help to hear from a trans guy....Seems like trans folk go through this same experience regardless of whether they are FTM or MTF.  It is really hard to put into words. I can relate to what you said about ' Am I attracted to this person because it's sexual or because that's who I want to be?"  I struggled with that for a while.

When I was young I felt very male and hetero. I feel like the confusion came from the fact that I was not in the correct body. Like I could look at a stereotypical romance narrative in a movie, for example, and simultaneously hate the male lead because he was getting the woman I knew I couldn't have, yet I also thought "Yeah, that's me, I'm hot, aren't I?", and then anxiety because I thought he was hot enough for her to want, which made me wonder if I were feeling some attraction...and really, if you are even slightly bisexual, that could be true, but it doesn't mean that you have to stay in the body you don't want to be in. But our enemies would have us believe that is the case. You give them an inch and they will take a mile.

In that sense, I feel like it is important to keep the sexuality part of it off the table for a bit. Or at least look at it like "Well, would I feel *more* comfortable in all of my attractions if my current body or in a trans body?"  Personally, I felt like as a guy I could finally be free to choose whoever I want and not care what society or anyone else thinks about it. But staying in my female persona there was way more anger.

Thanks. Yes I'm not too sure about anything honestly. This is really really hard. And I mean... If I do was trans... it just pop in my mind sooo late... At 27 years of age. Not a single thought before that. What kills me is that I'm not sure... I have all those anxiety symptoms.. I guess I've visualized myself like something else my whole life. Not necessarily a woman.. but when I talk and try to picture myself I don't see the same I see on the mirror. I see like a less manly (kind of like a softer personality of myself) version of what I see/people see... But anyway, whenever I do try to visualize the same, I get a lump in my throat... vision gets very heavy... etc etc... Once I think of a more feminine version it goes away... Like omg... I'm so confused since most trans are so sure they WANT to be how they feel inside.. I'm actually wishing everyday I woke up normal... and be happy with my gender and everything else. That's why I'm so confused. I think I might go back to taking prozac or something like that to see if it helps ease the anxiety...

Thanks again.

Why don't you try some real life experience. If everything is based on theoreticals, it is hard to know how you really feel. Have you tried seeing how you feel when you are perceived by others as being female? It might give you some information that may make things clearer.
Moni