Any girls here think they've ever been held back in their transition by vanity?

I started writing a huge essay about my failed transitions but can sum it up better than that really:

I think I am too much of a hot male to give that up to be an awkward looking unattractive transwoman.

I am 34 years old and first attempted, and epically failed, to transition in my early 20s. All times I have tried something has come up vanity wise that stopped me. i.e. I think I'd 100% be a hotter man than I would be a woman.

Early 20s – a super hot actress started showing interest in me so I gave up my illegal HRT and got with her. Big ego boost but we fell in love and had a great time.

Late 20s – my gf, see above!, was supporting my transition through HRT when she fell pregnant. All bets off I decided I would be a daddy and support them 100%

Early 30s – HRT and stealth transitioning underway for 3 months before I got jealous of gf meeting with other guys she knew through work or gym. I was conscious that once I had transitioned fully I would not be anywhere near the calibre of attractiveness I am now as a male as I would be as a transwoman. Threw away the HRT, stopped dressing and presenting as female to my gf and started to get fit and lose weight with some lifting and running. I was determined to show her I was as fit and sexy as anyone else she knew.

5 months later – Started transitioning again as it's the only time I'm ever comfortable with who I am. GF still supporting me and aware I am 100% confused about the whole thing but to be honest it's still the same thing for me. I won't be as attractive as a woman as I am as a man and whatever happens. Not only that but I will lose the sexual relationship I have with the woman I absolutely adore. She is not a lesbian and absolutely deserves a full sexual relationship with a man as is her right as a heterosexual woman.

So here I am, totally too vain to transition but by god it looks like I am doing it anyway because if there is one constant in my life it has been my desire to be female.

It is a shame all the positives aren't on one side of the ledger. That would be too easy, right? At some point age will take a toll on your looks anyway. Looking at the long run, being happy with yourself and finding someone who accepts the true you are the things that will last. My experience says that being trans will never go away. It will haunt those who deny it. Of course you are the only one who can judge what pathway has the least down side and the most up side.
Moni

I wonder how common this fear is, and whether it holds a significant number of people back?

It's certainly up there for me. Do I want to be depressed but reasonably attractive, or do I want to risk trashing myself physically (and there's no way of knowing you will until you've done it), and therefore end up with even more to be depressed about? You see some people, and just think, my god I could cry for you. My therapist is very honest about this as a factor, and made me laugh by saying she divides people into 'poor souls' and 'lucky bitches'. You can guess which side you'll come down on, but you don't know until you've done it, and it's not a fear to throw away lightly.

There is definitely an androgynous beauty that can work either way. There are also very good looking men, and very good looking women, who would never be attractive as the opposite. I suppose the thing to keep in mind is, the majority of the population, while generally not offensive (most people do have something), are not raving beauties to begin with, so if you're as hot as you perceive yourself currently, you may only be going down to average. But, if you are used to being related to as attractive, and got used to the doors that open for that, think carefully.

Maybe translate what works for you now into the future. Are you a classic dresser or are you alternative? Stay that way. Do you have a standard name or an outlandish name? Stay within those boundaries. Do you look good in some make up as a man? Get some more. What are your interests and emotions now? Be true to them instead of ditching them or changing (rather than broadening) them - the spark in the eye, that's what really makes someone attractive. You're 34, don't act like a 14 year old - that's barely attractive in a 14 year old. Don't fall into a stereotype. Less is always more. And lastly, some very hot people are deeply unattractive, because they're eating themselves up inside, and it shows.

I'm 34 this year as well. I understand completely where you're coming from.

I might have possibly been considered an attractive man from about the age of 18 to 19...then my hair started to thin. To be honest, whether I would end up a "hot chick" was never part of my need or interest or desire in living as a woman.

Quote from: Ms Grace on July 28, 2016, 08:40:16 PM
I might have possibly been considered an attractive man from about the age of 18 to 19...then my hair started to thin. To be honest, whether I would end up a "hot chick" was never part of my need or interest or desire in living as a woman.

But it is for the OP, which is equally valid. Some people just do prize their attractiveness, and others don't. It's not really about gender as much as what the poster said - vanity.

I think need and desire can be separated out. I know it is for me. I read the post as an honest question of 'what can I handle having had 34 years of seeing myself and being related to as being on a certain level?'. Or, is there much pint in going from depressed but attractive, to depressed but unattractive? Which for a very vain person, might well be torture of a different kind. You only have to listen to very elderly people who used to be beautiful reminisce over what they had and what they've lost to see that it's not as shallow as it first seems, and isn't even strictly a trans issue.

I don't think it's fair to dismiss that lightly.

Haha...that's how I felt...my vanity probably far exceeded yours. I have been a world class playboy and married 3 times with actresses and models and have 4 children. The dysphoria does not fade with time it only gets stronger. I had my surgeries. My vanity would not allow me to go half heartedly so I never went out in public until after all my surgeries, NO RLE for me. I'm 68 years old and my profile is how I look now, I'm at peace and happy.

Quote from: warlockmaker on July 28, 2016, 08:49:20 PM
Haha...that's how I felt...my vanity probably far exceeded yours. I have been a world class playboy and married 3 times with actresses and models and have 4 children. The dysphoria does not fade with time it only gets stronger. I had my surgeries. My vanity would not allow me to go half heartedly so I never went out in public until after all my surgeries, NO RLE for me. I'm 68 years old and my profile is how I look now, I'm at peace and happy.

So it's definitely worth it? That's good to know.

I go back to my thought about it being broader than a trans issue. It's something I've noticed with elderly people as well. They may love the wisdom, the respect, the grandchildren, but they are simply lost without the looks they had. It's really very sad. You can walk into a nursing home and just know who used to be hot, who was a flirt, who was elegant, etc. And the sadness in their eyes kind of overrides the dementia - they know too - on some level, they know they weren't the kind of person to dribble down a nasty old jumper and not mind.

Quote from: alex82 on July 28, 2016, 08:45:41 PM
I don't think it's fair to dismiss that lightly.

I wasn't dismissing the OP, merely giving my experience as perspective.

Thanks for all the replies!

I have very thick skin so do not for a second feel you have offended me by thinking me shallow to place looks over happiness because I am not offended at all. I've come to terms with who I am as a woman and that means being a shallow bitch about it too. Passing is everything to me at the moment and that is what it is.

It's definitely something for me to think on about and at 34 I'm aware I'm not getting any younger - despite people often thinking I'm still in my mid twenties!

Locked for review

 
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Mariah

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