It took a couple of months but I've finally located a therapist and made an appointment. I only have to wait 4 days and the cost is much less than I feared.

A concern of mine is that I don't open up to people. Someone could ask me something silly like my favorite color and I'll find a way to dodge the question. I spent almost 10 years at my previous job and not a single person there knew anything about me. They would often make up fanciful tales of me being a spy because they couldn't figure me out at all. I don't want to walk into a therapy session and sit there silently for an hour. And even if I do say something I tend to say what people want to hear and not what I actually feel.

Another concern is that even if I did open up my speech is very matter of fact. If another person were to describe being very depressed they would probably be frowning or crying and otherwise seem at least mildly upset. I on the other hand would just sit there very casually and unemotional. If I wasn't in my own head I wouldn't believe a word that came out of my mouth.

Perhaps you could write it all down and hand it to your therapist and see where it goes from there?

I have always had difficulty opening up. Since I started therapy it has gotten easier. When I started, I had to really psych myself up for it. One thing you can count on that may put you more at ease is that nothing you say or do will leave the room.
Remember, this is something you want. It may take courage to dig in and say what needs to be said, but not opening up defeats your purpose. Therapists are trained to help and setting you at ease is part of their art/skill.
I'm pretty casual and matter-of-fact when I describe my emotional states too. A lifetime of suppressing emotional responses, as we often have to do to blend in, will have that effect. Don't worry about how you say it, just getting it out is what is important.

I am very much anti-social (even if the conversation is one-on-one).  I am now 15 months into therapy and only beginning to "crack open the door."

During the past 15 months, it took 6 months before I brought up anything LGBT (emphasis on the T).  The only reason why and how I brought it up was due to a flyer for a closed LGBT group I saw in the waiting room.  When I sat entered he room and sat down, I noticed the same flyer on her desk.  During our so-called talk, I constantly glanced discretely at the flyer and finally 50 minutes into the hour session, I brought up the T in LGBT.

Since she (and I) have a terribly difficult time discussing the original reasons I started therapy, the topic shift has leaned towards more time spent discussing trans, than the main reasons.  However, I feel the cause for the main reasons could be trans related.  That or I am just a total nut case and it took 46 years until I realized that. 

If I didn't know better Semira, we could have shared the same brain cells in the womb.  Best I can say is give it lots of time.  15 months for me and and she and I are only beginning to touch on things.

I'm at a point fairly far on the asperger spectrum and so flat affect is familiar, especially in stress situations. I have very strong emotions, they just aren't usually on display. I've had to address some very troubling things in formal settings in the last couple of years and came to realize just how flat I go.

However I've been in very productive therapy relationships going back 20 years - as well as some non productive ones that were forced on me in the past.

(good) Therapy was what taught me I can open up safely and how to do so. I guess since then I've also had to learn times when being open can be a problem and how to better understand which is which.

I remain like you extremely quiet about my personal life in work context. For me work is all about work and too often work social settings aren't 'safe'. I've made myself a life where the people I know and love are mostly very accepting. There are still situations that are uncomfortable and not surprisingly most of those are forced by professional circumstances.

While the counsellor/client relationship is one built on safety and trust, a good counsellor should be able to break through resistance to opening up. It may not happen first time but it is a process that can happen.

Interesting that you can open up here to a "bunch of strangers".  My guess is you don't want to be judged for who you are. 

These points help me to open up with my therapist
1) I'm paying for this with money I can't afford to waste - get the most out of it
2) I'm anonymous here - I never see her outside of this office
3) Maybe I'll be judged, but I'm one of 100 patients and after I leave, she won't think about me again until my next appt.
4) She is going to help me figure this out - do a brain dump on her
5) I too am typically unemotional outwardly, with my therapist I actually show cracks.

One Homework assignment my therapist had me do was to create a collage of pictures that represent images of my youth (I'm 54) up to age 13ish.  It revealed something key in my psyche that helped the therapist to "open me up."  Maybe worth a try.

My first therapy session was rough, for the counselor and myself. I really did not want to talk and I felt her "ice-breaking" questions were truly patronizing. I always hated when she asked, "tell me something about yourself you want me to know". I was a dead-end seeking help, or at-least that's how I felt.  Still she did not give up on me. So the second session she said that she was going to write my letter to start HRT but she needed my input. That was the best thing ever. I no longer felt like I was under a microscope but rather a partner in the whole process. On my third session she gave me my letter and now I am days away from starting HRT.

That my story, hope it helps. 

I've always been a very private, introverted person presenting male to the world.  In my first session, the doctor already had some notes on me, as I was connected to him via my HMO support services after I had made an initial phone call to their hotline, and was talked down by the contact person.  (Yeah, that bad.)

That made it a little easier, I suppose.  I got the 'this is a safe place' spiel, and then the dam broke and I cut loose.  It was insanely intense and difficult for me, but also a tremendous relief.   I tried to be as completely honest as possible about everything, which was hard after so many decades of the masquerade.  Still, I felt better, drained, but better at the end of the session.

I presented as female at my second session, and never looked back.  I've tried to be as open as possible about my feelings and events in my life.  It's not easy, but it is good to know that I can share all this stuff with someone who's not all judgemental.

The first time I had a therapist, she was older ... much older, and I talked a lot. The last one was much much younger, and I'd hardly talk to her.

The first one, I stopped seeing when I moved. The other one dropped me as a client, when I refused to seek out volunteer programs to work for. Keep in mind that my spine is screwed up pretty badly, and I can hardly walk. That, and the nearest place to volunteer requires an hour to drive there. I didn't mind not seeing her, as she was quite patronizing, and treated me like a child.

I already have my first SRS recommendation letter. 

Quote from: AnonyMs on July 28, 2016, 11:49:02 PM
Perhaps you could write it all down and hand it to your therapist and see where it goes from there?

I used to do that when I was a kid and wanted to communicate things that upset me.

Quote from: Ms Grace on July 29, 2016, 07:05:54 AM
a good counsellor should be able to break through resistance to opening up.

Maybe I should bring a sledgehammer with me.

Quote from: pj on July 29, 2016, 07:44:20 AM
Interesting that you can open up here to a "bunch of strangers".  My guess is you don't want to be judged for who you are. 

I think that's because in a way nothing I do here is "real". I'm not talking to people, I'm just typing to a computer screen. Semira is for all intents and purposes a creation of mine and anything I share points back at her. It is extremely unlikely anyone I know in real life would ever see anything posted here or be able to relate this Semira person back to me. As far as anything on the internet goes, if something ever bothers me I can push a button and it no longer exists. So that allows me to open up a little more when otherwise I might not. There's virtually no risk here.

Quote from: jessicadee on July 29, 2016, 08:10:01 AM
"tell me something about yourself you want me to know"

I hope I don't get any open ended questions. Unless someone asks me something specific then they won't get an answer from me.

There's no risk when speaking with a therapist.  They are bound by HIPAA laws and cannot break your privacy.  They will not share anything you say with anyone else, or they risk losing their license.

So feel free to say and share everything about yourself with your therapist.  It will not leave the room.

It's a lot easier to talk about yourself if someone asks you questions instead of you just having to ramble on and find things to say. Therapists usually ask specific questions, one after another. I found it really easy to talk to one.