It was mentioned in a blog I read that dysphoria increases as one ages.  It is something I had never even considered before.  My initial reaction was to be appalled.  I kind of hoped it would fade over time.  The individual who wrote this thought is someone who is extremely bright and knowledgeable.  I have every confidence that what she wrote is true.  However, the blogger in her entry didn't go beyond the statement to explain the reason(s) why dysphoria increases as one matures (a kind, more politically correct way of saying "gets old").  Is the reason for the increase in dysphoria a matter of biology, psychology, or perhaps a combination of the two?  I would appreciate reading your thoughts on the matter. 

It does get worse as you get older.  Some believe that this is due to declining T levels but I reject that idea.  When my dysphoria was at its recent worst my T levels were still very high, above 800 ng/dl.  Others are much lower but in both cases the dysphoria grows worse.  So I think the cause is independent of biology. 

I think it's all psychology.  Maybe it's just getting mentally worn out from suppressing it.  Or maybe it's knowing that the time for change is growing shorter.  Or maybe it's both or something else I haven't thought of.

I think it might be the realisation that one is going to reach the end without ever experiencing life as your true self. This causes increasing feelings of desperation and panic which increase the longer we do nothing about it. Each moment we live the wrong life feels like a moment wasted. That's how it seems to me anyway.

Hugs

B

I knew I was sabotaging my marriage. Thirty seven year later I tried to find out why. It is only because I have skirted the subject (pun intended) whenever I visited a therapist on at least five other occasions. This time I was so angry and upset that my body did not match my thoughts that I spilled the beans. Actually we have just learned what I have dealt with all my life. Actually admitting I was trans was the most liberating thing in my life. Now I could actually have answers to explain to Wen what happened. Did I get more dysphoric as I got older? I believe what I got was being more honest with myself and everyone around me. it really has made quite a difference and I should have addressed it much sooner.

I think B's got it.  We reach a point where we have to face our mortality, and look back on a life lived for the convenience of others, but lacking for ourselves.

Males in my family tend to die in their late 60s, so turning 60 produced some serious introspection for me.  When I hit 62, I recall just sitting there thinking "Just 5 years to go.  I can keep my secrets for just a few more years."  Then, something changed, or something snapped, and I couldn't go on with this.

My wife kept putting off plans for travel, "Oh, we'll do that in a few years.  Maybe in our 70s."  I know what happens to people who plan like that.  It never happens.  Medical issues, aging, increasing frailty all conspire to thwart those sorts of plans.  I didn't think I'd be alive for them.  I barely felt like I was alive right now.  In fact, why bother continuing?  I'd known what I was exactly (a transwoman in hiding) for 30 years, and it wasn't getting any better.

The dysphoria begat depression, and the depression made the dysphoria harder to handle.  It was a downward spiral that ended with me hooking a hose into the car exhaust before the catalytic converter and sealing the interior, then me holding the pills in my hand that I had determined would depress my respiratory reflex and keep me comfortable once I started the engine.

I called a hot line instead, they talked me down, and I got help.  After my first appointment I got rid of the exhaust hose and fittings I had built.

I'm pretty sure testosterone levels didn't play into this.  My level just before starting HRT was 650, pretty much normal for my age.  One culprit to altering my mental state might have been prolactin. I do have a 'microprolactinoma', and a significantly elevated level compared to the male normal.  Extrapolating from the recent level measurements, it has probably been rising 7-8 months, and was significantly high starting a month or so before I hit bottom. It might have given me a nudge over the edge.  (Prolactin in males tends to counteract testosterone pretty strongly.)

Quote from: BirlPower on August 05, 2016, 11:46:08 AM
"I think it might be the realisation that one is going to reach the end without ever experiencing life as your true self. This causes increasing feelings of desperation and panic which increase the longer we do nothing about it. Each moment we live the wrong life feels like a moment wasted. That's how it seems to me anyway."

I think what Birlpower wrote is exactly what's going on. feeling that the gate slowly closes for the chance to live and enjoy your true self. My panic developed from almost 0 to 100 within 12 months and climaxed at age 47. I was almost not able to focus on my work anymore and had some kind of nervous breakdown. After that i talked to my boss and together we planned my coming out at the job. Actually, though everything went fine I still have difficulties to forgive myself that I waited that long although there have been reasons.

Summarized I think the time you feel or think you have left to live your true self is at least one trigger for the increase of dysphoria.

For me it got much worse after a chronic illness that led to a traumatic brain injury and near death. It was a mortality reality check that I don't know how much time I have left, and that I didn't want to have regrets of not living authentically

I guess as I got into 40s and 50s those issues would present with time and age,just hit me sooner in my mid 20s instead.


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For me it just slowly ate away at me, causing untold pain and unhappiness. It gnawed away until there was nothing left holding it back. That sort of slow realisation and denial takes time. For some of us it happens quickly, for others it takes years, but it becomes undeniable in the end.

From my own personal experience "Fading over time" was really I got really really good at denial after about 30 years of practice and hard work. Diversions, Distractions, and Denial are great for shutting off the noise in your head.

I had 2 failed transition experiments in my early 20's. I learned over time how to shut off the noise. That was until someone plugged the amp back in. When I first reached out for help with the GD 7 years ago I swore transition was the absolute last thing on my mind. Been there twice. Not for me. I just wanted to sort out how to get the male and female sides of me to live in peace.

A lot has changed in those 7 years

I totally agree that age and traumatic events can make it worse. There are other life factors that contribute to it as well. For me my first partner was completely against the idea of me being trans. If I wanted to stay with her that definitely made it worse. My current wife is completely supportive and has made accepting myself a lot easier. It is probably different for everyone depending on life factors.

Quote from: V on August 05, 2016, 04:37:59 PM
For me it just slowly ate away at me, causing untold pain and unhappiness. It gnawed away until there was nothing left holding it back. That sort of slow realisation and denial takes time. For some of us it happens quickly, for others it takes years, but it becomes undeniable in the end.

This was my experience, too.  When I was young, I was able to deal with it easily by denial.  But the denial was not foolproof, and each time the dysphoria came back, denial got a little bit harder.  My denial was getting stretched thinner and thinner until even I could see through it.

I don't know if my dysphoria itself was getting worse, but I certainly became more aware of it with time.  Now that I am out to myself and a few others, I can look at my dysphoria directly and I am starting to see what it looks like.  As I become more aware, I see aspects of it that I didn't see before.  My awareness of genital dysphoria is increasing lately.  Has the dysphoria itself increased or is it just my awareness of it?  Is the dysphoria even distinct from the awareness?  I can't tell.  All I can tell is that I am feeling stuff that I didn't before, that I don't like.

About the claim that gender dysphoria inevitably worsens with age.

What if that was down to the people who did experience worsening, seeking help and reporting it, and the people who saw improvement not reporting it and instead quietly using self management?

For me it hit the first crisis point when I was about 44 and I think I know the reason.  I was in the Army until I was 41.  The whole time I managed it by telling myself I would do my time and then do everything when I retired.  Then after I retired I didn't do it and started getting really depressed about it.

My experience was it getting worse with age. I didn't even know I was trans before 40's it was so mild.

This is quite an interesting article which touches on it

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Quote from: BirlPower on August 05, 2016, 11:46:08 AM
I think it might be the realisation that one is going to reach the end without ever experiencing life as your true self. This causes increasing feelings of desperation and panic which increase the longer we do nothing about it. Each moment we live the wrong life feels like a moment wasted. That's how it seems to me anyway.

Hugs

B

Super correct. +1 to your reputation for this post.

Hugs,
Jennifer xx

Quote from: JMJW on August 05, 2016, 11:05:55 PM
About the claim that gender dysphoria inevitably worsens with age.

What if that was down to the people who did experience worsening, seeking help and reporting it, and the people who saw improvement not reporting it and instead quietly using self management?

I'd say that for most trans ladies I've known who have transitioned to full-time female in all aspects of life, gender change on ID documents, full medical-grade HRT over years -- the NECESSITY to transition could no longer be "managed."

I am female. I finally started acting fully on that fact about 3 years ago. If I hadn't, I would be dead from suicide already.

Jennifer xx

Made my decision in earnest about 3 years ago. Started medical-grade HRT about 2 years ago.

In my 50's, I finally felt, "This crisis isn't going to get any better by waiting till age 60 or 70 or 80."

NEVER will I "go back." I AM FEMALE.

Jennifer xx

Hi All,

After keeping my GD on the back burner all my life to varying degrees of success...it hit hard at age 52... So much so that it demanded my attention above all else in my life and I decided to take a closer look at what had been going on with me since childhood... Here I sit 3 years later... A post GRS/FFS woman enjoying an amazing life that is finally my own

I don't want to drag the term "mid-life crisis" into this but I do feel that around the 50 year mark is a time of introspection about life in general... You start to ask yourself ... Am I happy?... If not .. Why?... What needs to change?

A time like that when you are asking yourself the hard questions is also a time to start looking at the hard answers!!! It may have something also to do with fear of judgement as well... I don't know if I would have had the courage to transition in my youth... It was a different world then... But now I'm old and I don't care what anyone thinks!!! :-)

Take Care,

Ashley:)

I notice a few different common themes through out this topic and most find a strong correlation between aging and GD. I thank you all for sharing your own stories and methods of working through your struggles. As I stated in my introduction a few days ago, I am both an old lady of 68 years and new to this transgender life at just under 2 years since my first realization of tg. I can look back in totally perfect hindsight and see glimpses of dysphoria of one kind or another since my earliest memories but nothing drove either awareness or changes until last year. You know, just normal life sort of stuff. I am now on a path of realizing my "new" self with the assistance of a very supportive wife and 6 weeks of hrt. So, live is good and everything should look rosy and great. But (and there often is one, isn't there?), after looking at myself in the mirror this morning and sitting her reading through this thread I find tears running down my cheeks and I am hurting for the suffering that all of you have been going through and for the dysphoria that I am currently experiencing. It produces such a strong sense of loss of hope that non of my cis friends would even have a clue about! Yes, it is probably emotional hormone response but it is the largest tear flow to date. My question is; how do you deal with GD when it hits? What do you do when it flattens you and leaves you crying?

When I started HRT it was an outlet for the dysphoria and even when I hadn't yet seen results- the knowledge that I was taking action and moving towards my authentic self definitely helped with the dysphoria.

I am often reminded of the Japanese term "Ikigai" which describes the reason and purpose for getting out of bed in the morning. Although it typically references the professional and social outlets, I often use it for the self care side of my life. "What is my goal or purpose today in taking care of myself?"


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