Hello,

Where to begin? I'm 36 years old. My story is somewhat different to many here. I didn't feel anything was wrong at all as a child. The first time gender popped into my mind was around the age of 15. I had just discovered (to my horror) that I was very attracted to men. That pandora's box also opened some gender play ( cross dressing a couple times, pretending to be female while talkign to men online). I don't recall feeling dysphoria though. I was quite happy and connected with my body for most of my life. I enthusiastically lifted weights, and enjoyed how I looked.

I've had a couple of periods where I became extremely worried I was trans. Once at the age of 27 and then again at 30. The defining and continuous problem for me was always sexuality though. I can't relate to feelings of jealousy while looking at other women or hatred of genitals, or even feeling like I belong with women.

Still, a few days ago I saw a therapist because I'm in a relationship with a woman and I've been feeling depressed and guilty because i'm much more attracted to men. The therapist found it odd that I never had many typically 'gay' fantasies. I caused me to consider that maybe gender was the underlying issue after all. I've had intense fantasies about being a women with a man.

Anyway, that's launched me into an terrible bout of panic and even what might be called dysphoria, as I feel a sense of disconnection all of a sudden with my body. Perhaps I obsessed about it so much it became a self fulfilling prophecy. I can't understand how I was so comfortable and happy with my body for so long - just a couple of days ago - and now I'm feeling like this. Can someone really repress something so successfully?

As for transitioning - perhaps it's an answer. I'm a large man with a huge jaw, so I don't think I could actually make it work. It's a difficult decision. Who would I be? what sort of life would I lead? I dont think i'd be able to keep my job. I dont think i'd be able to walk around as I do now, free of harassment.

Thanks for listening

Hi Mike 

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V M

Hi, some of that is similar to myself.

There's a big difference between the standard trans narrative you hear with your trans to those of us who didn't notice earlier. I didn't realize until I was trans until my 40's. There were signs but easily overlooked at the time and only noticed in retrospect. I remember the moment it occurred to me, everything changed in seconds and I was never able to continue as before. I'm quite certain I'm trans of some sort or other; I'm on HRT etc, and very happy with it.

Transgender is a wide spectrum, and there's a lot of variation, so it can be quite difficult to work out if you are, where you fit, and what you're going to do about it.

I saw a therapist for a year trying to work it out, and couldn't. Eventually I got so desperate I tried HRT, and that was very very good. That told me more than a 100 years of going to a therapist ever would.

You might find it helpful to look on YouTube at people experiences. When I say helpful, bear in mind that it might push you further along if that's your inclination, but at least it might bring some clarity.

Quote from: AnonyMs on August 06, 2016, 08:33:52 AM
Hi, some of that is similar to myself.

There's a big difference between the standard trans narrative you hear with your trans to those of us who didn't notice earlier. I didn't realize until I was trans until my 40's. There were signs but easily overlooked at the time and only noticed in retrospect. I remember the moment it occurred to me, everything changed in seconds and I was never able to continue as before. I'm quite certain I'm trans of some sort or other; I'm on HRT etc, and very happy with it.

Transgender is a wide spectrum, and there's a lot of variation, so it can be quite difficult to work out if you are, where you fit, and what you're going to do about it.

I saw a therapist for a year trying to work it out, and couldn't. Eventually I got so desperate I tried HRT, and that was very very good. That told me more than a 100 years of going to a therapist ever would.

You might find it helpful to look on YouTube at people experiences. When I say helpful, bear in mind that it might push you further along if that's your inclination, but at least it might bring some clarity.

Interesting. I just joined this site and posted my introduction. I'm nearly 40 and I didn't have a lot of the stereotypical experiences of a transgender child (though I did have a little cross-dressing and gender play), but, like you both describe, I hit a point about a month ago where I asked myself the question and now it seems like transition is a really obvious answer to a lot of things. Unlike the OP, my relationship with my body has always been full of turmoil, but I understand a lot of what you both say. Thanks to both of you for writing and helping me understand that it's okay for older people to have different experiences and still have valid reasons for wanting to transition.

Quote from: AnonyMs on August 06, 2016, 08:33:52 AM
Hi, some of that is similar to myself.

There's a big difference between the standard trans narrative you hear with your trans to those of us who didn't notice earlier. I didn't realize until I was trans until my 40's. There were signs but easily overlooked at the time and only noticed in retrospect. I remember the moment it occurred to me, everything changed in seconds and I was never able to continue as before. I'm quite certain I'm trans of some sort or other; I'm on HRT etc, and very happy with it.

Transgender is a wide spectrum, and there's a lot of variation, so it can be quite difficult to work out if you are, where you fit, and what you're going to do about it.

I saw a therapist for a year trying to work it out, and couldn't. Eventually I got so desperate I tried HRT, and that was very very good. That told me more than a 100 years of going to a therapist ever would.

You might find it helpful to look on YouTube at people experiences. When I say helpful, bear in mind that it might push you further along if that's your inclination, but at least it might bring some clarity.

I'm interested in your experience. What were the signs? Were they present throughout your entire life? Why did you transition? Was there an intense desire to be female? Please elaborate. Thank you.

All our journeys start differently, although there are recurring themes. Some folk don't have the classic storyline, discovering later in life, and for some it being a complete shock.

Personally, I accosted a criminal exiting our house, and fought to get some of our possessions back.

It was the most masculine thing I'd ever done in my life.

No one, except my partner could understand why I was disgusted, shocked and horrified with myself. It clarified a hunch that I had that I may have gender issues, it and wrapped it up with a bow

It is causing chaos, at 46.

It started the research that has got me where I am now in my understanding of myself. I've learned a lot from blogs, vlogs and the wiki here (as well as reading many posts).

Knowing what I know now, and looking back, there were pointers that now make sense, that didn't previously.

I am quite certain that I am trans; the best label that fits is neutrois demi-woman at present, I am not sure if it's fluid or not. Time will tell. I am comfortable knowing this as for the first time my whole life makes sense in this context, and doesn't feel broken. It is now a journey, and I need a guide (therapist), to help untangle collateral damage from my childhood years.

Here we have sanctuary, welcome and enjoy the peace whilst the storm rages outside - shall I go make the tea.?





Sno

Quote from: mikeffd on August 06, 2016, 09:15:26 AM
I'm interested in your experience. What were the signs? Were they present throughout your entire life? Why did you transition? Was there an intense desire to be female? Please elaborate. Thank you.

I don't think I had any signs before puberty, but my memory a bit fuzzy that far back anyway. I think I'm fairly male in most ways.

I tried cross-dressing in my late teens, and I remember having a terrible feeling of dissonance looking in a mirror, the man in a dress thing, so I gave it up as not for me. I tried again about 2 years later and the same thing happened. It wasn't until my 40s, when I was in a bad way that I had the same feeling again and realized it was dysphoria. It wasn't the clothing that was wrong, but me.

I often used to imagine having sex as a woman. I'm not sure I had an intense desire to be female, perhaps at times, but not normally. I have had it when things have been really bad for me with depression, stress and dysphoria. Its hard to say if I have it now; my strongest desire right now is to get out of the closet, which happens to mean being female as I can't go back to male. I think if/when I do that I'll just feel normal. Until recently I find it hard to imagine living life as female, the day by day things, even though I want it.

I used to like stories about gender changes, there's a few science fiction and fantasy books with that, and I'd read them with great interest. I remember when Caroline Cossey published her autobiography, and searching book stores for it - and hiding it when I did buy it.

I've never been good at relating to people, but you don't have to be trans for that. I've been depressed a lot, and before I realized I was trans (way worse after), but again you don't have to be trans for that.

None of this was a major issue for me,  and if it had stayed like that I would have been fine being non-trans, but it didn't and all blew up up my 40s into something that was driving me crazy. It wasn't until i started HRT that things became really clear.