I want to try something here.  I'm trying to deal with some doubts/uncertainty/confusion.  So instead of arguing with myself; I'd rather compare experiences.  So I'll describe what it feels like to be trans*, and everyone else give your own descriptions. 

   Anyway, to me it feels like you're always the only guy/girl in the room.  You don't feel pretty; you've basically accepted that you never will.  But you do see a dozen or so people who look exactly like you know you should every day.  You feel guilt because it feels like you're deceiving everyone you know.  And every time you move around it feels like there's some weird guy/girl rubbing his/her beard/boobs all over you, which is weird.  The most irritating thing to me is that it's constant.  I'd love to hear some other peoples' interpretation.

For me being trans has a lot to do with being in a gender segregated cis gender society and not feeling aligned with or feeling any kind of acceptance with either the so called norms or even many outliers roles/expectations/social structures that were supposed to apply to me simply because I had been born with an outwardly male body. Having said that...

... being trans feels like swimming in the wrong ocean or breathing the wrong atmosphere. 

To me, being trans used to like I was drowning, after transitioning for several years it feels a lot more manageable, like I'd finally learned to swim. I am often reminded of Finding Nemo when I think about it, because I sometimes still tell myself to "Just keep swimming..."


     Hugs,
- Katie
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Quote from: Ms Grace on August 02, 2016, 11:41:37 PM
For me being trans has a lot to do with being in a gender segregated cis gender society and not feeling aligned

That. Absolutely that.

Honestly if it wasn't for that I would see no problem at all in being transgender. I just tend to loose more easily my desired shape if I don't exercise or if I feast on junk food. I believe that my strong and healthy self is totally male enough and satisfying to the man that I am. It's "just" people policing you to fall back in the ranks and telling you that you can't exist the way you are.

It helps me tremendously knowing in how many cultures and for how long being myself was just one of the possible versions of normal.

In short, being trans* to me feels good, it's people's behaviour that don't feels great.

I cycle through emotions constantly. Sometimes feeling totally unvalidated, hopeless, worthless, afraid. Those feelings shake off or intertwine into: uniqueness, optimism (toward transition), wholeness, love.

It seems almost, but not quite, predictable. The triggers for the cycles can be anything from world events to a simple word of encouragement from my wife. A nice day. Seeing a man in the mirror. Observing a woman can bring out either side of the cycle. Transphobia. Caitlyn Jenner - I have to avoid her at all costs because she can pull me way down or push me up (it's not worth the risk).

My therapist has been wonderful at helping me to allow, recognize and let all these emotions pass through. I think we feel things that cis people cannot even imagine.

There are probably some emotions that are unique to trans people that do not actually have words to describe them. We talk about them using cis labels that aren't quite right but it's the only language we have. Here's one: I call it the "split-envy" emotion. I see a beautiful woman (cis or trans). I am simultaneously feeling euphoria at her beauty and intense sorrow knowing I can never elicit that euphoria in someone looking at me. It can push me either into more negative or positive emotional directions.

L

I always felt like...well first of all, I was *very* self-conscious of my male parts. Whenever I was around women, I was embarrassed because I knew that THEY knew what I had downstairs. And I was jealous of the fact they had breasts, and all of them were beautiful and graceful (more or less  ). The idea of me getting to have what they had never crossed my mind, I had been told and beaten into believing I was a GUY, dammit...

Around guys, I just was never comfortable. The best way i can think of describing it is if a cis-male who does not crossdress, was told that everyday for the next week he has to present en femme for a week, breast forms, low heels, makeup, the works. He'd be extremely uncomfortable, nervous, etc with it, both before he got dressed and even after, when he went to work, shopping, etc. He'd be especially self-conscious of the breasts, because they are RIGHT THERE for all to see. (That's I felt about the man-parts, especially "the Bulge") 

Except in his case, he knows the reason...it's the femme presentation. For me, I didn't know it was the male presentation, I just had the "OMG this is so wrong!" feeling. All the time.

Growing up, I never fit in with the boys.  I was always the last to be picked for team sports.  I always envied the girls.

As an adult, the same pattern continued.  I have never felt comfortable in groups of men.  I was always the outsider.  The men were mostly interested in alcohol, gasoline, guns, and making off-colour remarks about women.  I always longed for a kinder, gentler way of life.

Any time I saw a pretty woman, I would be green with envy.  But of course, as a man, I was not permitted to socialize with women other than for dating or matrimonial purposes.  It bothered the hell out of me that, at the community coffee gatherings, I had to sit at the men's end of the table and listen to them talk about boring men's stuff.

One of the nicest things about coming out to my wife and having her blessing is to be able to sit at the women's end of the table and not give a hoot what the men think.  I can go shopping for women's clothes now (while still in male mode - I am not publicly out yet) without feeling self-conscious.

I always had a combination of self loathing, guilt and unworthiness. A combination of anger, just under the surface and an impulse to feel like I deserved to be punished(and was, I felt cursed). I still have some residuals but it has improved so much.

I can describe how it felt as though I manipulated a puppet or machine. I always felt like my body, life and emotions were happening to someone else, disconnected. It always felt like my body was too big(like I had a size in mind but my whole body was proportionally bigger than what I thought it should be).

I have always felt like I was an outsider. Even with groups I liked. I still find interacting with others can be awkward. I am a parent and trying to talk to the parents of my kids friends, was like talking to an alien race. I still don't really fit in.
But I am better with it now.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: KathyLauren on August 03, 2016, 02:02:28 PM
Growing up, I never fit in with the boys.  I was always the last to be picked for team sports.  I always envied the girls.

As an adult, the same pattern continued.  I have never felt comfortable in groups of men.  I was always the outsider.  The men were mostly interested in alcohol, gasoline, guns, and making off-colour remarks about women.  I always longed for a kinder, gentler way of life.

Any time I saw a pretty woman, I would be green with envy.  But of course, as a man, I was not permitted to socialize with women other than for dating or matrimonial purposes.  It bothered the hell out of me that, at the community coffee gatherings, I had to sit at the men's end of the table and listen to them talk about boring men's stuff.

One of the nicest things about coming out to my wife and having her blessing is to be able to sit at the women's end of the table and not give a hoot what the men think.  I can go shopping for women's clothes now (while still in male mode - I am not publicly out yet) without feeling self-conscious.

Kathy

Exactly. I always headed of to t he womens table to talk about kids, fashion, arts and crafts, home. Aside from baseball i have no interest in sports, cars if they move when I put gas in it. Thumbs up. Otherwise guys are boring. There are only so many scatological jokes you can tell.

The common thread is a desire for your body to be more like the opposite sex. Beyond that, it depends on a myriad of factors.

My present experience with gender dysphoria is determining when this desire should yield to other desires, and when I should say, "If they can't deal with it, whatever."

I wish I knew.  I wish ->-bleeped-<- had an exact, consistent pattern of thought and feeling that was common to all individuals who identify as transgender.  I far as I am able to determine, it doesn't.  There are certain characteristics mentioned above with which I can identify, but none that definitively imitate what goes on in my head and how I feel when the pink fog rolls in.  Its true nature is elusive.  Sometimes it is a mere whisper.  Sometimes it is mind-shattering roar.  Sometimes I go for weeks and even months without a twinge of discontent and then it simply overwhelms me, leaving me unable to sleep, unable to concentrate, and to a degree unable to function with any semblance of normalcy.  Sometimes is a mere desire.  Sometimes it become a compulsion. 

I'm afraid all I have done by contributing to your query is to muddy the waters.  Many words, but very little enlightenment.  Sorry...

As a child, I felt like I was constantly struggling with labels that didn't fit but I couldn't explain why they didn't work for me. I felt gratified when people recognized the truth but then devastated if they took that away (I was often called a boy but then people would apologize after they found out I was female).
When puberty hit, I felt betrayed by my body. I felt dismissed by people who assured me that my feelings were normal for an adolescent girl.
As a teen, I recognized where I was but since living as a gay man seemed impossible to me at that point, I chose not to explore it... to pretend to be a straight woman... then I felt trapped by that decision. I am just now trying to escape that choice.
As an adult, I have felt trapped by the constraints of gender. I try to dismiss the importance of gender. I still feel trapped by labels and social conventions. I agree that a lot of my issues stem from being in a gender segregated society and being lumped in with a gender that I have never aligned with. I do not know how to be a woman but society insists on seeing me as one so I feel like I'm in over my head. My problems became overwhelming in large part because I am a stay home parent... a very woman centered world that I struggle to cope with. When I worked in a male dominated field, the men I worked with recognised me as a guy and treated me as such so my dysphoria was limited to the physical (namely my chest)... which I could live with.




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For me being trans means being satisfied with oneself and your place in the world is an ever elusive thing. It is constantly about always having to be patient, always having to wait to get some morsel of self satisfaction. It is about "longing" to be something. Maybe you see it on the horizon, but you must wait what seems like forever to get a little closer. It a  choice between the agonizing desire to be something and hiding your head in the sand for fear of losing everything important to you. Other than that it's  not bad. lol
Moni

It's very difficult to describe what it's like without a point of reference to compare with. As I've always been trans, I can't really say what it's like because it's all I've even known. It feels 'normal' I guess.
That is completely different to whether or not I enjoy it or like it, no I don't. It's difficult, and as others have said, trying to fit into a cis-gendered world just doesn't seem to work. So I feel like the odd one out, not quite one thing or the other.
It seems like before I accepted I was trans, and tried to do something about it, I was just trying to fit into the world as a cis-gendered male, and it didn't work because that isn't me.
However, now that I've transitioned, I often find I'm trying to fit into the world as a cis-gendered woman, and that doesn't really work either. Admittedly it's better than before, but still not really 'me'.
I guess on a world where most of us were trans, and it was the cis-folk who were the minority, then I'd fit right into that world maybe.
For instance, there are some 'guy-centric' things I actually like, and trying to cease with that stuff and making steering myself towards more female-oriented interests and subjects and roles didn't feel right. Like I wasn't being true to myself.
Reading earlier posts, I'd actually be more comfortable sitting at the "guy-end" of the table, chatting about cars and stuff, than with the women chatting about children and home and fashion and cooking.
But here's the thing, I am happy being a woman sitting with the guys, I never wanted to stay as a guy.
Except now society would on the whole prefer I sit with the women, and if I don't then I appear as an enigma, and someone quite different to the whole cis-gendered norms.
I generally find it quite difficult fitting into the world at all, it almost always requires some form of compromise.
The difference is that pre-transitioning, I felt totally disconnected from the world, like I was watching myself on a cinema screen, but not really being there fully. Whereas now, post-transition, I at least feel I'm part of my life, no longer a watcher. hence I've done far more daring and challenging things as a woman, than I ever did as a guy.
It's all a big spectrum, and I'm just somewhere on it, as we all are. So we'll all describe being trans differently.

I consider my transition to now be complete, 3 years after starting in earnest. If I ever get hold of about 20 thousand dollars then I can get a genuine vagina GRS, but even without this my transition to womanhood is complete.

I simply live my life as 24 / 7 Jennifer in real life, and few people in real life can detect that I am trans. I am simply a beautiful sexy older lady, Jennifer.

Online more people know I am trans because I am a member of groups such as Susans.org.

In real life I don't mention that I am trans unless necessary --

For example, on a date with a man that I have arranged online. It wastes both of our time if I don't tell him I am trans before we meet.

Jennifer xx

Quote from: V on August 04, 2016, 12:07:50 PM
It's very difficult to describe what it's like without a point of reference to compare with. As I've always been trans, I can't really say what it's like because it's all I've even known. It feels 'normal' I guess.
That is completely different to whether or not I enjoy it or like it, no I don't. It's difficult, and as others have said, trying to fit into a cis-gendered world just doesn't seem to work. So I feel like the odd one out, not quite one thing or the other.
It seems like before I accepted I was trans, and tried to do something about it, I was just trying to fit into the world as a cis-gendered male, and it didn't work because that isn't me.
However, now that I've transitioned, I often find I'm trying to fit into the world as a cis-gendered woman, and that doesn't really work either. Admittedly it's better than before, but still not really 'me'.
I guess on a world where most of us were trans, and it was the cis-folk who were the minority, then I'd fit right into that world maybe.
For instance, there are some 'guy-centric' things I actually like, and trying to cease with that stuff and making steering myself towards more female-oriented interests and subjects and roles didn't feel right. Like I wasn't being true to myself.
Reading earlier posts, I'd actually be more comfortable sitting at the "guy-end" of the table, chatting about cars and stuff, than with the women chatting about children and home and fashion and cooking.
But here's the thing, I am happy being a woman sitting with the guys, I never wanted to stay as a guy.
Except now society would on the whole prefer I sit with the women, and if I don't then I appear as an enigma, and someone quite different to the whole cis-gendered norms.
I generally find it quite difficult fitting into the world at all, it almost always requires some form of compromise.
The difference is that pre-transitioning, I felt totally disconnected from the world, like I was watching myself on a cinema screen, but not really being there fully. Whereas now, post-transition, I at least feel I'm part of my life, no longer a watcher. hence I've done far more daring and challenging things as a woman, than I ever did as a guy.
It's all a big spectrum, and I'm just somewhere on it, as we all are. So we'll all describe being trans differently.

Yes!  Yes to this comment.  This is why I thank God for geek culture.  It was my first answer to why I don't like talking cars, "scoping out chicks", and sports-ball.  And if I try to just fit in with men, there is only the broadest topics to discuss, and even with most women, I can talk excitedly about make up application or something similar for a bit before the conversation fizzles out.  Which is the main reason I'm so into comics, gaming, and sci-fi.  Within a fandom, I can generally talk to anyone.  And more so I can talk to some nerd-girls and have the distinct feeling that I am just like them...it's nice.

Being trans for me means dealing with the ever present jealousy towards women and everything feminine. And the more I transition, the more that jealousy turns to happiness. And there are moments when I feel like crying because I imagine my true self as this cis girl trapped in a boy's body and it makes me sad for her. And it motivates me to work harder to transform this body I've been given into that ideal, or as close as possible. To plan, look forward to surgeries that will allow me to change the things about this body that will bring me closer to that. And to accept the features of myself that I can't change.

It used to suck when I was in the closet.

After I came out, started living full time and began HRT it's like being shipwrecked and sea-tossed. Spat up by the great mother ocean on some distant and unknown shore.

Perfumed with jasmine, lush with foliage, warm wind on my skin, exotic, strange and erotic, I awake in a new world with the taste of oranges in my mouth.

I don't know really. It depends on the day.
On bad days..........alone, confused, lost.
On good days......... real, privileged, warm, loving.
Every day is a challenge but that goes for non-trans people too.
By the way, today is a good day

Ciara

Quote from: Ciara on August 06, 2016, 03:50:22 PM
I don't know really. It depends on the day.
On bad days..........alone, confused, lost.
On good days......... real, privileged, warm, loving.
Every day is a challenge but that goes for non-trans people too.
By the way, today is a good day

Ciara

I can connect with this.