After a lifetime of crippling dysphoria, which affected every aspect of my waking hours, I started on low dose HRT (MTF) 4 months ago.  After a few weeks, things calmed down and life (for the first time for as long as I can remember) looked good. 

Over the last week, it's back, and worse than ever.  All the feelings of self loathing, body hatred, jealousy, "why was I born looking like this" and thinking life is just unfair, have returned.

Time to bring the therapy forwards I think.  Has anyone else suffered the same?

Alex

I can relate to that. For me Sister Estrogen has become a bit of an addicting drug. I started out low dose, scared of the social side effects and I wanted to remain firmly in control. I convinced myself for most of last year that I was in control of the process, and I could stop at any time. Then the low dose didn't seem to be enough, and my "cravings" (if you could call it that) grew dramatically. I don't know if it's my body's tolerance levels going up, or if it something more powerful. It might be that my body really, really liked E and after a while wanted a lot more. While I stayed on low dose, I felt a lot more dysphoria, along with the companion anxiety/depression. I'm now on a transitional dose and I feel alot better.

Like many who've gotten into other types of substances, it started out that I believed I was in control, but in fact, Sister E was truly in control. I'm good with that, though I am worried about when/how to come out to people. It probably won't be too long before people start to wonder about my chest...

Not sure if that helps much, but it was my experience.

I can relate to that!

Alex123,

I am only at 3 months. However about two weeks ago I crashed. It seems to hit me just before a weekend.

Not sure if it is timing or like you all were pondering, if it is my body saying "Really? That's it?" Give me more. I too am trying to take it slow for family and not presenting publicly yet. Of course the other thing to bear in mind is we are in the midst of puberty again and all (irrational mood swings) that entails.

I have an appointment in about a week. I hope to ask about that.

If I find out anything, I will pass it along.

Try to keep yourself occupied and active. That is the advice I always got for dysphoria.

Good luck and try to keep your chin up.

With warmth,

Joanna

I'm ftm so working in the opposite direction, but depression and self esteem issues have always been big for me. When I first started hrt I was the happiest I'd ever been, it felt like a weight had been lifted. But the second month I was back to self loathing and suicidal thoughts. Changing hormone dosage helped. Therapy really helped. But I think the most important thing for me at least was having a good support network. It took a little while but my family and friends have really rallied behind me.
Having people who make you feel loved and important helps so much. Disphoria comes and goes and I don't think there really is a cure. Transitioning helps, but for me those lingering feelings of inadequacy stay. Smaller now, but still there.

Think of how far you've come, though and how far you'll be a year from now.
<3
Idk if life gets easier but you will find better coping mechanism and you will get stronger.

I've been On/Off low dose HRT many times over the decades in order to 'Survive'. For me, the 'Prime Directive' was always "To Be a Normal Guy". Well... when things start happening below the belt, 'Normal' is soon to be no more.

By that time (varied a lot) I was feeling much better and was staying on E simply because.... A long given up on dream? A wish? What if? I knew I should stop but yet.... BTW, I am also an alcoholic, who still drinks.

This last and final time, I started low dose again when my life went into the toilet. It was so far into the swirling vortex I didn't give a rat's ass. I stayed on low dose. I also started going to a TG support group which blew my mind. I bean to feel better about being me, and not doing 'What Was Expected'.

I can't say the dysphoria reared its ugly head. I just didn't see the sense anymore in trying to fool myself, Yet Again, that I can get over on it

I can not comment on low dose but I can comment on a transitioning dose. When I started HRT I was on E-pills and later switched to injections. My hormones has been in the correct range since 3 months (1st blood test). I never had a T blood test when I started HRT. I brought to the doctor blood test results from my life insurance application.

Starting HRT was amazing. It helped dysphoria greatly and I had a lot of physical and mental benefits. Then dysphoria came back  and mental difficulties returned. I needed to continue my transition and there was fear and a lot of stress. At a point I realized I needed to fully come out and express. I started an SSRI for depression which helped. I came out and expressed. Then I realized I need to get corrected and started the process.

Speaking for myself, I need to fully transition and although each step helped the underlying issue remained.

mm

Quote from: Lorlor on May 10, 2016, 12:50:18 PM
I'm ftm so working in the opposite direction, but depression and self esteem issues have always been big for me. When I first started hrt I was the happiest I'd ever been, it felt like a weight had been lifted. But the second month I was back to self loathing and suicidal thoughts. Changing hormone dosage helped. Therapy really helped. But I think the most important thing for me at least was having a good support network. It took a little while but my family and friends have really rallied behind me.

I transitioned while on psychiatric meds. So I did not have as much of a blowback as some others. I think that our brains get stuck in patterns. It may be where dysphoria lays off and body dysmorphia comes in. All those "I hate my body" thoughts are body image issues that may have started with dysphoria but take on a life of their own. I think I also went through anxiety because of the social transition and how it was going or not going. You see changes right away but others continue to misgender you and that's hard to take. This leads to body image issues because "if I only my X were more Y" comes to mind and leads you down a dark path.

Some of the dysphoria is caused by hormones so going on hormones brings relief in and of itself. But that happiness is temporary because you still have the same life with the same problems. That's why, I think, it seems like dysphoria gets worse. Often, when you fix one thing you start to fixate on something new that you weren't focused on before because it wasn't as "big". FTMs often say if you have top surgery you'll start worrying about your bottom more. When the top was still there it's an obsession. Then it's gone and you're happy for a while until the bottom dysphoria gets to be too much.

Having a support network is key because transitioning--mostly due to the social aspects--is very anxiety inducing and can trigger negative thoughts. Having supportive family is best, but you can also rely on friends, a therapist, or a forum like this one if a supportive family isn't going to happen.

I recognize that I am mentally much better on T regardless of what is going on with external changes and even though I've had bad days and tears over being misgendered, I wouldn't go back.

I don't think it's fair to call hormones an addiction. Anything that has that profound an effect on your mental or physical functioning is going to cause a dependency, but that's a natural biological reaction to keep yourself in homeostasis. When your hormones are right your brain is going to want to stay that way no matter what.

I think some of us would love to be able to take hormones without physical changes because physical changes cause us to be thrown between genders with all of the severe social problems this entails. If you already are dealing with enough on your plate, who wants to deal with being a social pariah on top of all that? Unfortunately you can't get the therapeutic effects of hormones without the changes. Hence the "regression". It's not really regression, it's dealing with the very, very scary social consequences of transitioning. That's just hard, no way around it. We live in a society that makes it hard. Maybe we can imagine a world where we were loved and supported through it but instead we live in a world where it's very difficult.

We all know that trans suicide rates pre treatment are insanely high. What we also know is that a staggering amount of those suicides are attributable to family abandonment--something like a third. These are rates 1000% higher than that of the general population. And a third is family abandonment. That is how profound the social problems we face are. Let's forgive ourselves for having emotional meltdowns, people. The problems we face are real. Nobody can take on that kind of social pressure alone. That's why we need to band together, and that's why we need to forgive ourselves when we're not strong enough.

Transitioning would be easy if it weren't for other people.

I can only echo what others have said I too have had a crash not long ago and realised as part of that crash that HRT alone is not going to be the only thing I need to do to deal with my Dysphoria. I had clung to the hope that HRT alone would do the trick but I need to have SRS to accomplish that. There is no doubt in my mind...I never had the clarity to be able to say that until just recently.

Liz