A bit late on the update, but it's been a busy couple of days.

Time spent with my mom is never exactly slow, we're constantly talking and constantly going places, so it's not easy to just sit down and have an hour or so to write about what I'm feeling or what's happening. This would be a completely different experience if I was here by myself. As it stands, I've been so busy that I have barely had time to really digest what's about to happen, or take in the full atmosphere and full significance of it all because it's just been go, go, go.



Anyway... yesterday was our tour of the Grand Palace and the various Buddhist temples around Bangkok, and WOW. I don't feel like I need to go into elaborate detail on how amazing the local architecture is, but seriously, WOW. So many colors, so much intricate detailed tile work, glimmering buildings, gold, this is a WONDERFUL city to tour. We took a tour led by a local woman named Poo, she took us all around Bangkok and explained the history of it all, Mom was really curious about the culture and especially the schooling and religion since she's an education professor and was really into Eastern philosophy as a college student, and I took a ton of pictures and videos that I'll cherish for a long time to come, because this trip, probably more than any other international trip I've ever taken, is something I'll always look back on and want to remember.




One of the most interesting cultural experiences of the day, though, wasn't even the sights, it was seeing the sheer volume of Chinese tourists. The entire Grand Palace was completely packed, end to end, like a can of sardines, thousands of Chinese tourists. Buses of them. Umbrellas everywhere. Selfie sticks in almost every single hand. Huge groups with stuffed animals on a stick to make sure everyone could find the tour group. The entire time in the temple was spent trying to not run in to people, trying to avoid other people's pictures, and constantly starting and stopping every 10 seconds because everyone was taking pictures and selfies. So, yeah, that was definitely... interesting.



Emotionally, it was not a good day.

I had a complete meltdown in the morning.

Basically what happened is that I was still stewing over my emotional outburst from the previous night. And then these already-simmering negative feelings were escalated a hundredfold when I got out of the shower and ended up getting a bit rushed. Mom took over the bathroom for a long time, so I only had like 10 minutes to get ready, and, well, things didn't go well. When I tried to hastily do my hair and hastily get dressed, I looked in the mirror, and I looked like a man. The more I tried to fix it, tried to redo my hair, tried to change outfits, getting more and more panicked with every minute because our tour guide was supposed to arrive in only 5 minutes, I got clumsy, banged my shoulder against the bathroom door, I yelled "ow," and then Mom yelled at me for yelling, and I got angry because "what am I supposed to do when I run into the door? It hurt. Let me vent!" And we started bickering because I was mad, and then being mad again, having another anger bout that I couldn't control, that was when the meltdown started.

My mind ran away with me. Seeing a man in the mirror, and being out of control of my emotions, once again ending up in a guyish irrational rage, it was more than I could handle. I started feeling like a fake. I started getting into that horrific dysphoric mindset where I would have done anything to rip my own soul out of my body and somehow put it into a cis female body, just so I could be freed from my disfigured appearance, freed from this horrible rage/anger that I was dealing with and into a self that was raised female, etc. It was the worst kind of meltdown. It was the kind where I was incapacitated and couldn't do anything but cry. It doesn't happen often anymore, but yeah, being off hormones, it did it.

The crowded temples didn't help. I was surrounded by beautiful women. Beautiful small-framed women wearing beautiful clothes that I can never hope to wear because they just wouldn't look good on my giant trans body. I was fighting dysphoria for the entire time we were at the Grand Palace, basically it was not a fun morning emotionally even though the tour was amazing, and I was blown away by the gorgeous art and architecture all around me.

As the day went on, my dysphoria eased more and more, until by the end of the day I was in a great mood again.

I don't know what causes this, but there are still just some times where my brain runs away with me. It gets stuck in a self-depreciating spiral, a spiral that gets worse and worse, and it won't stop until I've had some time to get my mind off of it.



So, well, that's this entire trip in a nutshell so far. Amazing sights, amazing food, amazing people, and it really is the experience of a lifetime, but I'm still having a really hard time keeping my dysphoria and emotions from wrecking everything. I wish I could chill out and enjoy the experience rather than spending the entire time fighting against my emotions and fighting against my reflection

I've known for a while that I'm probably going to need Facial Feminization Surgery before I'm remotely tolerating of my own appearance, but ultimately my genital dysphoria is stronger, and I've heard from a few friends that "I thought I was never going to be happy unless I got FFS too, but that changed after bottom surgery." So I don't know. I have very strong bottom dysphoria. Having my current anatomy is a constant low-key reminder that my body feels wrong, and it definitely adds to my social anxiety and takes away from my ability to feel like a "real" woman and feel like my body really is a female body at all, (I'd like to reiterate that this is just me, that is my own judgment of my own body, and does not apply to anyone else. Not everyone needs/wants GRS and that doesn't make them any more or less "real," I'm just talking about how I feel about my own body.) So again, maybe my facial/frame-size dysphoria will ease after GRS, maybe it won't, I don't know. My therapist says that he sees it as a 50/50 split between people whose dysphoria eases completely after GRS and people who still stress out about their faces/frames afterward. So I don't know. It's one of those things that I'm just going to have to wait and see.



Anyway, this was the last day that we're going to be in public like this, I can finally take a break from constantly fighting against my social anxiety and not panicking, and start focusing on the pre-surgery bowel prep. Fun.



I would talk about how I'm feeling, but really right now I just want it done. I'm exhausted of being off hormones, exhausted from tucks coming undone and constantly feeling this stupid lump between my legs wherever I walk, and dealing with the negative effects of T in my system. I just want it done. I'm tired.

Good luck Carrie, you are in the home stretch. It will not be long until you are in recovery. You have come so far and there is just a bit more to go. I am sending good thoughts your way.

One day to go until surgery...

I just woke up, it's 6:30 in the morning here in Bangkok, and so we're officially down to the 1-day countdown.

I'm now on the second day of my all-clear-liquids diet.

This is probably going to sound REALLY stupid, but the liquid diet is actually making me feel better emotionally. Because the thing is, anger and rage and frustration only really happens for me when I'm feeling 100% vigorous and awake. The liquid diet has taken a bit of energy out of me, and it's forced me to feel a bit lethargic and to relax a bit, so it's harder for me to get angry at stuff, which is a very good thing. I feel calm and happy now, thank God. So it looks like smooth sailing from here, and I'm actually kind of glad to be feeling in this sort of semi-weakened state for now because it means I can finally relax and take it all in.

So far it's been surprisingly easier to be on all clear liquids than I was expecting. I'm really not that hungry. I've basically just been eating Jell-O (they have a lychee flavored Jello here which is AMAZING,) apple juice, coffee, tea, and last night I made my own clear vegetable broth to satisfy my need for something savory since all of the other options tend to be so sweet.

So, the surgery instructions say that you can eat any clear fat-free broth, recommending beef and chicken consomme, but the thing is, I could not for the life of me find consomme at the local store. Tesco Lotus has basically everything that you could need in terms of food and supplies, they're the rough equivalent of an American box mega-store (but actually better IMO, because they have a food court, a bakery, and WAY better freshly-made food than an American grocery store would have,) and if you do stay at the Vertical Suite or the Dusit Princess you're probably going to be shopping there a lot, but it seems like they don't have consomme. I Googled Thai brands of consomme to see if there were any, I called Dr. Chettawut's office to ask where in the world I could find it, but no answers came, even Dr. Chett's office said "just skip it" because it's difficult to find here.

I bought a mushroom bouillon package figuring that a vegetable-based broth would be okay, but I was disappointed to discover that when I cooked it, it had fat in it and solids in it, so that didn't work.

So what I ended up doing was making my own clear vegetable soup broth. Tesco has basically everything, and the Vertical Suites gives you a stove, chef's knife, and pots and pans, so why not? I just bought onions, carrots, scallions, ginger, garlic, white pepper, dried shiitake mushrooms, and a bit of soy sauce, and presto! Boil for 2 hours and drain the solids and I have my own clear broth. If you can't find consomme, do this. Trust me, you'll need it. Eating nothing but Jell-o and drinking nothing but juice, coffee, and tea will work for a while, but trust me, after a few days you'll really be tired of sweet things. You'll need something warm and rich and savory, and having that broth makes a big difference in terms of feeling satisfied food-wise during this liquid diet.



Last night I took the prescribed laxative, as well as doing an enema (It's required. And the next two days is going to full of fun digestive-pyrotechnics-inducing stuff like that... ugh...) and yeah, the later one hurt, it's like a one way ticket to abdominal cramps. Today I get to take the SWIFF solution twice, and probably spend most of the day in the bathroom. But again, honestly, this has been a lot less difficult than I was expecting.

I've never been on a liquid diet before. And I've never taken a laxative or done an enema before, and obviously never had surgery or been under anesthesia before. So this is all a new experience for me. With every single day of preparation I'm charting new territory for me. So I was definitely preparing for the worst, expecting myself to be miserably hungry, miserably in abdominal pain, but honestly so far it's barely been noticeable. The worst that I'm feeling right now is some mild lethargy from the lack of solid food, which again, is actually quite welcome because it solved what has really been my biggest battle of the trip, dealing with the emotional effects of testosterone seeping back due to the lack of hormones.



Also, so far I really haven't had much fear or emotional dread about surgery, honestly right now I'm still just like "OMG, it's HERE! YAY!" And then maybe I dread the recovery, dread the pain maybe, because once again, I've never done this before, so preparing myself for the worst is probably smart, but really it's been surprisingly hard for me to be scared so far.

I had a big moment of "EEE! This is REAL!" during my consultation, but ever since then I've slipped back yet again into to "whatever, business as usual" mindset where it's like my mind doesn't even realize or comprehend what's about to happen, or at least it feels impossible to grasp the fullness of it. (Like, again, I was expecting this would feel like some huge looming obstacle that would feel bigger and bigger the closer it got, like I'd feel the anticipation and feel the nervousness and the like the closer it got, when in reality it hasn't felt like that at all. Life is still going on just like life has always gone on, and while there are occasional moments of giddy excitement or a rare moment where I realize I should probably be afraid of how hard recovery might be or that I might be in pain for a long time after this, the reality of it just doesn't sink in as much as I was expecting. And I don't think it will sink in until I'm on my way back to Chett's office on surgery day.)

Anyway, that's my update for now.

Stay tuned for SWIFF solution and digestive pyrotechnics, and then tomorrow is the big day!

Good luck

Also, have I raved about the food enough yet?

Oh my gosh... this is seriously the best! I am a huge fan of Japanese food, Thai food, and Chinese food, and this is basically like all the flavors I love highlighted in one giant place. Seacon Square has an entire Thai food court loaded with every single kind of curry, stir-fry, and other street staples. Mom had a dish that's basically exactly like Pad Thai yesterday, stir-fried shrimp and squid with a light tamarind/citrus sauce with scallions and peanuts, it looked SO amazing, and it was only $2. You can seriously eat out EVERY single day in this country and not spend more than $5/meal. The ramen and udon and Thai food court are all under 120 baht per dish, and they're AMAZING. The most expensive place in the mall is the all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant, which is 500 baht per person ($15). (That's going to be my official post-surgery celebration meal. No hamburgers for this girl. Give me sushi!)

I've already had noodles in a ramen shop and an udon shop, had a duck dish in Chinatown, just... GYAH!!! Can I retire here and live in food heaven? American food is so bland and boring and just downright unhealthy compared to this... and I don't think I'll ever get enough. Moreso than any other international trip I've been on, I am REALLY REALLY REALLY going to miss this by the time I go home. These are some of my favorite flavors in the world, and they simply do not exist in America. There are Thai restaurants which are mostly pretty close to this, but the ramen shops? The authentic Chinese places with the dim sum and tabletop hot pots? The udon noodle shops where they make their noodles from scratch? Nope. The closest I have in Toledo is a "Chinese Buffet" which is basically nothing but B-grade sushi, fried Americanized wonton dishes, and a ton of chicken dishes loaded with sugar. I would kill for an authentic Chinese restaurant or a good ramen/udon shop in Ohio. But sadly, not going to happen. Toledo is a culinary wasteland when it comes to anything but American food. And hamburgers and pizza just don't compare to this. (Well, okay, maybe pizza... but my point still stands. :p )

Anyway, yeah, I'm so looking forward to getting out of surgery so that I can go back to tasting my way around the entire mall. It's been hard to be surrounded by my version of food nirvana and only being able to stare longingly at it while I eat Jello. :p

This is the first day since arriving in Bangkok that I haven't had anything on the schedule, I've just been in the hotel room all day, no excursions, no touristing, no shopping, no exams, etc. And I definitely needed today to let the full feelings of upcoming surgery really sink in.

(Also, I needed to stay a few steps from a toilet, because that SWIFF solution seriously feels like a brick going through your digestive system. The taste isn't too bad when you mix it with Sprite, but yeah, it's making me feel woozy because of the flushing that's going on inside, and no amount of water and Gatorade is counteracting it.)

Up until this point this trip has been a blur of activity. Now I've finally had a chance to relax and gather my thoughts. So here we go, this is what I just wrote in my journal about my anticipation for my upcoming surgery, which is now only 23 hours away.

(Possible moderate-TMI if you're uncomfortable reading about the physical sensations of tucking and sexual arousal.)



"   Tomorrow begins probably the biggest obstacle I've ever had to overcome in my entire life. Today is the last day I'm going to be in the body I've always known, the last day of this particular version of "normal." And again, I've long since realized that one of the reasons why I was scared about surgery before was just because even though I've always dreamed of having female genitals, I've gotten so used to this state of dysphoria, of begrudgingly dealing with this feeling of a lump in my pants and my primary form of sexuality being erections which make it impossible to enjoy any intimate encounters because they feel so wrong, it's still all I've ever known as normal, so it's hard to wrap my head around this. This really is the very last day of this old twisted version of "normal." Tomorrow begins weeks, months straight of pain, recovery, time-consuming dilation, the first time I've ever had any surgery in my entire life, and waking up to a body that will be completely different. I'm looking forward to it. But it is a bit scary simply because it's a great unknown.

   But at the same time, I'm so ready to be done with it that it's not even funny. I'm so tired of talking to friends and family about my convictions for surgery, having to explain myself and defend myself and go into elaborate detail explaining why I want it and how, no, this isn't because of some trauma or because of lacking a "male role model" or Mom somehow doing "male bashing" or all of these other nonsense accusations I've heard from other family members. I'm so tired of having to worry about what surgery, FFS/SRS/Voice, I should have done first or worrying about whether it really will be everything I've always wanted or not. As of tomorrow, no more speculation, no more uncertainty, no more explaining, I can simply let my body be what it is and enjoy it for that.

   Again, omigod, tonight is the last time that I'm going to go to bed and be dealing with this stupid lump in my pants flopping around, having to constantly re-adjust and re-tuck and everything just to find a comfortable sleeping/sitting position. From tomorrow on, I'll never have to deal with that again. Tomorrow, after dreaming about it for 13 years straight, this is it. I really am finally going to experience the reality of waking up and having girl parts between my legs. It's finally all of those dreams, all those years of wishing and dreaming, coming true. Tomorrow. Only 24 hours from now. And it's all real. YAY!!! (Even though I'm probably not going to remember much about that waking-up.)

   I had to write that. I had to get it out. Because otherwise I'm scared it would pass right by me and I wouldn't get to savor how big of a deal this is mentally. But writing this has given me a chance to let it all sink in. Tomorrow. In real life. I'm going to wake up and, for the first time in my entire life, be living in a body that is, to my own judgment, female. For the first time ever, and forever after that. No more questions, no more uncertainty, from then on it's just who I am.

   And THANK GOD, no more erections, no more tucking, and a flat beautiful feminine pubis just like every other girl has. No more jealousy, no more staring longlingly at girls wearing bikinis and leotards and athletic shorts and wishing so much that I could look like that, no more hating myself when I start feeling sexual because my body won't fundamentally betray me with its incompatible version of "arousal" that my brain isn't programmed to expect to feel, no more pants re-adjusting at work, no more tucks slipping, no more social anxiety about a bump showing or things slipping into visibility, I am SO ready to be done with that stuff forever.

   Also, I'm not sure if it's the T or what, but I've been getting medium-soft erections for like the last 3 days straight, and it's REALLY annoying, and I can't wait to not have that penis or its stupid erectile tissue anymore. I'm so tired of that feeling of pressure pushing this organ out of my body that I feel like shouldn't be there, and which every single time I feel it happening I can feel phantom sensations of a vagina/clit being there and what it would feel like for that area to be flat, flush against my body. I'm so tired of that mismatch, and so tired of feeling it and yearning for it to be different every single time it happens. Tomorrow it will be a reality, and I'll NEVER have to deal with erections or dangly bits again. My body will be mine, exactly the way I've always wanted it to be.

   YES. I am so hyped now. And now that I've had the chance to type all of this out, to let my emotions on it out, I feel like I'm ready. It won't just pass me by without being able to enjoy the full magnitude. And here we go. Last day ever. Recovery will be hard, and my very daily definition of feeling "normal" isn't going to be the same again for several months after this because of the difficult recovery, but it will be worth it in the end. I'm sure. Here we go!"

good luck

So, I'm in to the final stages of bowel prep now, and I'm not going to lie, it is really starting to feel awful. The laxative last night wasn't a big deal. The enema was not fun, it gave me bad abdominal cramps for a solid half-hour, but it mostly cleared up and was a temporary discomfort. But the SWIFF solution, I'm not going to sugar-coat it, it's been a miserable day, and SWIFF is by far the worst part. The taste honestly wasn't the bad part, I mixed both doses with a full glass of Sprite, so the Sprite diluted it enough that I barely tasted it. But the texture made it feel like a brick going down into my stomach. And then ever since it got in there, it's been awful. A full day of abdominal cramping, this feeling of heaviness weighing down on my entire stomach, feeling nauseous, and running to the bathroom every 15 minutes for hours on end.

Not a fun day. I am REALLY glad that I'm not going to have to do this again any time soon.

People complain about the taste, for me it was just more about the general feeling of "ugh" that follows for hours afterward. It's not too bad, it's not like any serious pain or anything, but it's just that the feeling of "ugh" lasts for hours at a time, and after so long it starts to wear on you, you really start wishing your digestive system would go back to not feeling so blegh.

I'm really glad that I've taken my last dose of the stuff, and that very shortly after I wake up from surgery I'll be on at least semi-solid foods again.

I wish you the best of luck. Looking forward to your posts....Post-Op. (No Pun)

Carrie you have looked forward to this day for so long; since the first days back on EA when you thought it would never happen.  Wish that I could have accomplished the same thing. Now that disgusting thing will finally be gone.

I will look forward to your post surgery posts. GOOD LUCK!

good luck to you Carrie Liz, I know that being off hrt's are playing with your mind and body. T is having it last chance with you with you all those effects that you want gone.

Good luck, I hope all goes well. Hugs
Mariah

5 hours to go until I leave for the surgery center.


When I was imagining what this day would feel like 8 months ago when I was booking my surgery date and putting in the down-payment, I was expecting to be way more scared than I actually am. I was expecting to have this kind of "omigod omigod omigod" sort of freakout dread hanging over me, where I was so terrified about this big upcoming thing that was now imminent.

Now that it's actually here, surprisingly, I'm not really scared at all. Nothing but excited anticipation, maybe a little bit of that "I wonder what it's going to feel like when I wake up," and "I hope it's not too painful/difficult," but aside from that nothing but excitement, nothing but feeling ready to get this new chapter of my life started.

Chett's driver arrives at the hotel to pick me up at 1 pm, surgery is around 4 pm. (It's 8 am right now Bangkok time.)

Thankfully the SWIFF has now run its course, the nausea and the persistent "ugh" feeling are done. I was able to have a nice big (liquid) breakfast of lychee jello, apple juice, green tea, and two packets of this gross oral-saline electrolyte drink mix stuff that Dr. Chett gave me to replenish electrolytes. (Personal advice, that oral-saline stuff is kinda gross, I was expecting it to taste like Gatorade but there's something really offputting about it, it tasted nasty to me. I recommend just buying bottled sports drinks from Tesco rather than drinking the powder that he gives you.) So for the next few hours everything's good, no more hassle for now, I'm feeling really good, enjoying the peace and quiet, and just waiting in eager anticipation.

5 hours and counting!!!

Good luck and congratulations

Carrie - honestly all the best for your surgery! I really hope it brings you what you are seeking and that you can feel comfortable in your own skin! Really looking forward to hearing from you on the other side of it!

Quote from: Carrie Liz on August 08, 2016, 07:53:59 PM

and two packets of this gross oral-saline electrolyte drink mix stuff that Dr. Chett gave me to replenish electrolytes. (Personal advice, that oral-saline stuff is kinda gross, I was expecting it to taste like Gatorade but there's something really offputting about it, it tasted nasty to me. I recommend just buying bottled sports drinks from Tesco rather than drinking the powder that he gives you.)

That's what I did after tasting the first one. I tell everyone SWIFF tastes foul but I'd sooner take that than the rubbish electrolyte drink Chett provides.

I asked Chett was that allowed and it is so when stocking up on water a few bottles of Gatorade is a must.

Now you're just over an hour from collection as I write this post so I hope when you have time to read it you've woken up and all is right with your world and everything went well for you

Good luck and welcome to the posties world

Hugs

Sorcha 

All right, off I go!

I'll post as soon as I can.

Anxiously awaiting your Post-Op replies.

*hugs*

Quote from: Carrie Liz on August 09, 2016, 12:40:06 AM
All right, off I go!

I'll post as soon as I can.

OMG this is it! So excited for you!

Well, I made it!

Everything went well, I made it down the infamous Chettawut stairs, and I'm in the recovery facility now.

I'll post a full update once I can get on my computer later.

Short version is that so far it hasn't been very painful, it was a 0/10 or 1/10 when I first woke up from the anesthetic, now it's to about a 3/10 but still very manageable. So far so good!