Greetings from the confused.     

First, thanks for having this forum up, and as open to new posts and members as it is.

My story, such as it is, may not be up to the flamboyant or earth shaking standards of some of you bold folks, but it basically boils down to this...

Browsing along the internet in my abnormally abnormal way I come across this transgender topic discussed in a non-circus show manner, and it sets my mind to thinking, and for better or worse, a lot of things fit.   Or at least fit a lot better than me trying to live up to an personality image of masculinity.  Though I did cheat to fit in as a young adult (and not get beat up, lol), weight lifting plus food equals muscle mass, and typical Jock Average lumps you in the "us" category as soon as your neck & bicep size passes a magical mark...

Anyway, fast forward a bit... and I thought I'd gotten comfortable with the trans-ness, and I got the typical anti-androgen, and estrogen stickers.   This will be easy, not planning surgery, my chest is already between an A&B, and my behind is not flat.  Lots of time, no one will notice anything, or so I think...

Nope.

About two weeks in, the anti-androgen gets a good grip; and poof.

I'm sane. 

Corrolary, for the past near 40 yrs, I've been bat-xxxx crazy; and simply managing the crazy with known psychotherapy techniques, hard core devotion to passifist ethics (non-preachy though), and a ton of effort.

Now, for the first time in my adult life, I experience an effortless, sane mental process.

(and I'm not talking about the trans issue, I'm talking a whole array of violent, dark, horrific fantasies and desires that have plagued my brain constantly for decades.)

This presents a problem, in that I may not be trans, but continuing the trans regime results in a sane brain, no risk of being tossed in the loony bin, and physical changes that I'm quite comfortable with anyway.  (And you need the estrogen anyway to balance the anti-androgen lest your bones fall apart and you lay on the couch like a depressed lump...)

OTOH, if you go to a shrink, just to get the anti-androgen to undo the crazy,  you get tagged as "under the care of a pscyh" along with all the legal impedements that creates, which would be very bad for a substantial number of people around me.   Something I don't feel I have the right to immerse them in.

Ugg.   I feel like I've reached out and taken a bite from a fruit of the Tree of Knowledge.   I was content with my daily combat with the unnending blizzard of dark, negative, violent thoughts, not knowing that most everyone else had the experience of just enjoying the sunny day as a sunny day.    But you can't unbite the fruit.

Needless to say, the magnitude of the effect makes it darn near impossible to discern whether my fem-ness is simply a part of my androgynous personality, or a core identity that ought simply be allowed to fully express.

If you have thoughts or advice (not medical of course), I would appreciate the input, PM or here in view of the world... (Or at least a google search engine crawler or two...)

 rwOnnaDesuKa,

Welcome to the site. Welcome to HRT. Welcome to sanity. That all hit home to me as well.  I started about 6 months ago and my brain has calmed hugely.

I read your post but I am not entirely sure of the problem. Being under a phsych's care should  not limit your abilities or freedoms, put you under watch or suspicion or have anything to do with your family unless you choose to share it. Perhaps I am mistaken but at least in the state I live in that should be a non- issue.

There used to be an un official way of seeing if one is trans by going on HRT. I am not saying that means you are trans. I am saying that your brain may be craving those chemicals and finally relaxing upon getting the "right ones". Does that make you trans? I don't really know. That is what the psych is for(not to tell you you are trans), to help guide you to your own decision. To avoid pitfalls and wrong turns or help you deal with them when that is what you have chosen. It is not to tell you what is right or wrong or what you are or are not.

I hope I am not coming across as a know it all. I also hope it is not harsh. It is not intended that way at all. Labels of transness feel important but I honestly think it is more for us to wrap our heads around and be able to explain something. Try not to get too hung up on that. I too have had many times of dark, horrific thoughts, images and dreams. They seem relieved quite a bit for me too.

I have faced the same issue of taking the bite. I tend to think of it as a genie in a bottle. No matter how hard you try, it doesn't all fit back in. There it is, kind of just stuck to you... No matter how hard I wipe, a little of that genie is stuck on my fingers and sleeves.

Is it perhaps scary to see this saneness now? I hope you are able to come to peace with all this.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

PS  Thanks for sharing with us. It is not easy to do.

Thanks for your thoughts on this.   I mean "problem", as in an issue that needs careful thought as I choose a way forward.    I don't think I'm really afraid of the sane mind, but more shocked at the change, and it was surprisingly abrupt.

It also disturbed my sense of ethics; in that, if I believe action x or y are evils to be avoided at any cost, and one day I'm obsessed with x and y, struggling greatly with temptation; and the next morning I wake up and x and y aren't even interesting with no allure at all, what does that say about the struggle between good and evil?  If a simple chemical change provoked by an inexpensive medication, simple deletes evil or the temptation to do evil.

I dunno, maybe I should dye my hair blonde and do the dumb blonde stereotype and just not think about it at all.  Call it magic, put it in a box; and enjoy being a squishier; kinder, gentler me... effortlessly.

*minor edit to see how edit works here.

I am not suggesting not thinking about things. Goodness knows, I am guilty of it too, the doubts, concerns, deeper meanings... However, don't talk yourself out of it as a mental game or exercise.(too simplified, sorry) More like, I just think  (wait for it)...you may be over thinking it.

Sure, question what doesn't fit. However, take a moment or two to just be. See if you can enjoy the changes. I often find I need a little bit of time for clarity.

I really do believe in working with therapists too. Take it all as far as you think is good at the time. I find a lot of people seem to rush things. I have wanted to but sort of end up slowing everything down. I mean look at how slow my thoughts are, ( I thought I was pretty smart but) it took me till 50 to start really thinking about my impulses and inclinations.

I think I am just rambling now. Welcome again and if you need to talk or discuss, don't be afraid to post or when you reach 15 posts, personal message me.

With warmth,

Joanna

Hi Onna 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Quote from: rwOnnaDesuKa on August 09, 2016, 02:59:03 PM
I dunno, maybe I should dye my hair blonde and do the dumb blonde stereotype and just not think about it at all.  Call it magic, put it in a box; and enjoy being a squishier; kinder, gentler me... effortlessly.

This isn't a completely horrible idea. I mean, I'd avoid the dye personally (it does a lot of damage to your hair), but just going with what makes you happy isn't necessarily an awful choice. At least when kept within reason.

Introspection and rationalizations and all that are good, but they can also turn into circular thinking and a sort of paralysis. Especially when issues like "good vs evil", "nature vs nurture", "chicken vs egg" or tons of other issues that don't really have an objective "right" answer start getting thrown in the mix. I find myself over-thinking stuff in an attempt to control what may simply not be possible to control.

Put the thought in, but realize when that process isn't helping or getting you anywhere, and then do your best to go with the flow

Eventually new information will present itself, or you'll find your perspective has shifted and provided an answer you never would have come to in a million years of thinking anyway.

At least, that's my current working theory. Letting go is crazy hard to do though.

Thanks again for the various comments.    When it gets down to it, I feel more comfortable in my skin, and I like and approve of how I think (for the first time, ever) on hrt.    Funny, the question below on the form asks, "Are you human?"   Well, on the meds, I think I can honestly answer, "yes".   I really feel, not only modestly feminine and content, calm and somewhat compassionate, but honestly human.

Continuing this transition helps me be the best person I can be.

Maybe in a year or two, when my mind is more stable, and fewer people are dependent on me, I'll feel less fear of bringing up the other side of things to a psych and have an honest conversation about it...   

So for now, patience... and be grateful for each day I can live in peace.

Your perspective sounds pretty calm and grounded. That's great. I would still argue that there is no time like the present to talk to a therapist. Especially while exploring and enjoying this new calm.

Just my additional 2 cents.

Warmly,

Joanna

lol, not calm right now!

One of the things I asked of the god of HRT, was to remember how to cry. 

I don't think I took this place on the net seriously enough.   This is group therapy...

but without the therapist
or the nurses
or the orderlies to tackle you
or the psych in their office
or the safe'd room environment
or the protection from outside interruption or influence.

No, didn't take it anywhere near cautiously enough.     But I know how to cry again.

On the upside, I never actually could have spoken the words I typed, so bumpy progress, but progress none the less.

As a moderator, I can say this is a pretty safe place. Only if you place too much personal detailed information does it become a problem. We try to keep an eye on what is going on and guide positive and negative comments from members to stay in our guidelines and keep it a safe place.

Just my opinion. So don't feel too bad.

J Herter

I'm such a coward...   hit some strong emotions that are actually meaningful to learning who and what I am, and I instantly make a desperate dive for heated arguments on politics, religion, public health, and physical fitness.

I think they call that "evasion".
/sigh

I'm not letting myself off the hook this time.   I am going to be more gentle.  I am going to be more compassionate.  And I am going to think SOFTLY and PEACEFULLY.    I am not going to run away from her, anymore.   

I'm just going to tack this on here, its not really a topic.    Just short of a couple weeks here and I've acknowledged and accepted so many mental hurdles, things I've hidden from myself, things that were and are likely obvious to everyone around me despite my efforts.     Only downside has been needing more sleep as the brain comes to grips with what I've been able to type.  I have not denied it this as needed.

There was never a "maybe MtF"; there was only an accepting of what my reality is.   In boymode, I give no care to myself, what I wear, what I eat, I don't bother to taste the food, or listen to anything.   I just grab the cheap and ready, swallow the necessary food; and tell myself, "just keep breathing, it'll end well enough on its own."   I really said that to myself... all the time.

I don't think I want to "just keep breathing" anymore.   I want to taste and experience the food I prepare.  I want to touch, feel, and appreciate the clothing.    I want to exercise, diet properly and feel healthy, not just simply beat my body into submission so as to present the image that is expected.   I don't want to just define my body as a machine of certain weight, a certain lifting power, and a certain run speed;  I want to live, and to be. 

Congratulations and now you get to take Morpheus's red pill. The scary part is that the genie is out of the bottle. The great part  is that the genie is out of the bottle.

More importantly, you get to live your life.

With warmth,

Joanna