Oh my god but I can't believe I'm saying this, writing this, whatever, I never thought I would, but nope, it is Sunday August 7th 2016 and I have come out to my family!!
The past week was the worst I've had in a while, first I was more depressed then I'd ever been, next I was like strangely detached, which made me hate myself the times I realized I was feeling that way. And then yesterday when I had two panic attacks in the space of four hours.
Today as we were driving to my grandmothers like we do every Sunday, I suddenly got this urge to tell them which I couldn't figure out, it was so strong pressing up my throat, but the fear was still stronger. I tried to forget wanting to, but I couldn't it was like a fog in my mind, pressing to my forehead like it was trying to burst out. I kept wanting to just say it all through dinner, but just like always, the fear stopped me from doing so. And at the same time, I knew that with how strong this want to tell them was, if I didn't do so I'd never be able to again.
During this I was kinda a complete mess, like completely numb, and I had tremors which were ridiculously bad, plus I barely ate.
After dinner we went out into the living room, and I wanted to tell them, but still couldn't, it was killing me more and more the later it got. Then at one point, I was alone in the room with my sister and her kid, and she asked if I had a headache or if my eyes hurt because I was rubbing them, and I told her no, and she said something about telling I can't really remember, and I don't know how I got myself to do it, but I motioned for her to come over, and when she did I made her swear not to tell anyone else unless I said it was okay, believed I'd only tell her.
But after my grandmother came back in the room and asked what we were talking about, I just said, it's okay to tell her, my sister did, and things went from there, little like nonsense talk, barely anything important really, and when my father came into the room my sister told him.
Shortly after I couldn't believe I didn't realize it then, but my father never forgot I'd told him, but he never mentioned it because of my lie on it not being true I told in a panic. And that whole month he never brought it up, it wasn't because he didn't care, or anything like that, it was because he thought I'd rather talk with a therapist as I asked about starting to see one that night in the kitchen. So I was a little peeved by this, I mean he saw how bad I've been doing, he didn't think that might be it, but y'know, the lie, and my dad is just weird.
But yeah, all of a sudden for the first time in I don't know how long I was comfortable around them again, not completely, but y'know, and I think I talked more in the half hour till we left then I had in the past 5 or more months, lol.
But yeah, no negativity from them, which I'm so glad I was right about. But it wasn't perfectly except either, nothing negative, but it seems for now at least they've decided to take the disbelief route.
Several highlights of that, my grandma and father apparently think the only way to change at all is surgery, and are you going to do all that, apparently they as part of the disbelief think I'm gonna stay as I am.
Second, my sister claiming to know so much about all this, because of a reality show she watched, said to me, it's to late to do anything, apparently she believed you couldn't take hormones if your body has stopped growing. I corrected her.
And lastly, my dad on the way home when it was just the two of us after dropping my sister and her kid off at our mothers, he said how I'd never been in a relationship before, and that when I meet a girl she might make me feel more like a man, so I laughed at that, and told him he had just dragged out something basically every site says a parent might say, lol
So yeah, ended up pretty good. My sister brought it up, and we all agree, not to tell my mother, in case your wondering why, it's because she's a complete nut job. She and her husband play pranks, especially on april fools, on the whole family. Once by saying my mother was pregnant, and so many people in my family believed it, and were worried, and my moms going on and on like it's true. And then most recently Mike, her husband saying our cousin got a girl pregnant, which we actually believed for some stupid reason. To show you how bad it is, once my mom ended up in the hospital, and we thought it was a joke, and then this april fools that Mike fell off a roof and broke his arm, I refused to believe it, I mean it was april fools and I know them. Well I was wrong so. But yeah, nut jobs. And that makes them perfect for each other, its like Debra once said about Frank and Marie on Everybody Loves Raymond, they're like a virus, if they weren't together the virus would spread. lol
I was talking with a friend on tumblr after, her name is Liza, she's in the same exact position I've been in, and having her to talk to is the only reason I've made it so far, and even accepted myself.
So we were celebrating, and I said how I thought I'd be stuck in place forever, but now I wasn't, I was actually moving forward with all this, and it's funny, but I hadn't realized that till I wrote it and I just got like a giant burst of giddiness, I mean I couldn't believe I was actually moving forward with all of this.
Eventually it faded and I mellowed out, I guess it was like when someone gets a burst of adrenaline. And at the moment I seem to be panicking, or whatever over the fact that I'd actually done it, I guess how good I felt was holding that bit back till now. But I still feel good.
