Hello all I'm Ashanti and generally put the last name as Whisper because I'm so darn shy. I guess I'll try to tell you a little about myself.

The feelings of ->-bleeped-<- started approximately around the age of 16 or 17 when I was out with mono and was pretty much in the house 24/7. Playing games and generally just enjoying life as a normal teenager would outside of school. To this day I'm not sure what caused the "rift" I guess I'll call it that made me start to act more feminine. I grew up in a normal catholic two family home nothing out of the ordinary and as I contemplate on it I can't put a finger on what it is that made me think this way. Only thing that stands out is I was into the occult a lot ( Astral Projection and things like that; but I don't feel that it would/could do as much ).After a while though I would begin to suppress these feelings and urges; but little did I know it would come back.

Fast forward to my sophomore year in college when I was working on my Philosophy BA. On several papers I had to observe and critique everyday things that people were doing, essentially I was an outsider looking in and felt like I was behind a two way mirror watching everyone live their happy normal lives while deep down it was tearing me apart. It was during this time (and a maybe once or twice before ) that I would contemplate and attempted suicide quite a few times. While not successful I feel like it did a number on my psyche given I had to take antidepressants while taking a generic of adderall. Once again as my college life progressed I began to suppress the urges again despite seeing myself as a housewife I just knew that it was crazy dream that would not be.

Now as I sit here typing this the urges came back like a freight train barrelling down the track, I'm not too sure what keeps drawing me back to this idea and life. If I were asked what I would be most passionate about it wouldn't be money, better job or anything it would be to be who I keep suppressing. As I look back on all I've done and made it through everything seems to have changed but that idea of being this afropunk girl and wanting to just live her own life and make others happy in the long run is what has stated true to my core.

Honestly I can't think of anything else to write and I feel like this is the most I have written about myself in a long while. So please forgive me for not having too much to talk over, I do hope you all have a lovely day .

-Ash

Welcome to Susan's Place. What keeps drawing you back to it is you were born with it. Many of us suppress it for many years but something causes it to come to the surface and at that point there is no turning back. The feelings seem to get stronger or our ability to suppress it weaker but the end result is at some point we need to deal with it. I am not going to suggest where you fit because your description isn't sufficient to know. I am going to give you a couple of links to look at but you should consider contacting a gender therapist. The first link is our WIKI where you find find the feelings that match yours. The second link is "the transition channel" which explores transsexualism in more detail. Feel free to post any questions you have on this thread.

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Thank you Dena for the welcome and the suggestion I had thought about doing the gender therapy but...like I'm sure you may have heard from quite a few it would be discrete and it hurts knowing that I still have to keep the lid on so tight. I guess I just don't want to disappoint anyone such as friends and especially family members as they were pretty much the only thing keeping me going for a while. Also I want to thank you again for the YouTube channel which seems to have quite a bit of good information.

From the wiki I've noticed something like Transfeminine is not on there which is what I thought resonated most with me; but out of it I'd say transsexual is something that is me. As I sit here thinking and trying to make my post as coherent as possible...The desire to be the gender I imagine just keeps growing stronger and no more do I want to crossdress as I did when I was young to get a feel for it; but to actually become a woman maybe even walk down the aisle in a dress getting married. As much as I try to get more masculine even so far as taking vitamins that help support a healthy testosterone level it just feels like that idea of becoming a woman is right behind me not moving any further back but in fact just looming closer.

I guess in a way I feel like I'm at the stage where I know I want to get on hormones and shape the body to be more feminine but the backlash from friends and family is the main thing holding me back from the happiness.

Hi Ashanti 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thank you for the welcome V M!

~Hugs~

At some point I'll be brave enough to venture out and post in other areas. Not sure when that will be though!