I've been agonising for some time over posting this, in view of past experiences I don't know what to expect, but here goes anyway.

I'm 51, married with a 10yo daughter and 16yo stepson. My wife made it clear from an early stage in our relationship that she didn't trust me, consequently I rarely go out alone and have no real "physical" friends to speak of. I'd kept my feelings about my gender under wraps until last year, when at the prompting of a couple of people I told my wife that I had transgender leanings. To say she didn't take it well would be an understatement, we had 2 weeks of silence, accusations, recriminations, and ultimately it was made clear to me that my "issue" is Not To Be Spoken Of.

I have at various times joined (and subsequently left) any number of internet fora, I seem to have a knack of annoying people somehow... unfortunately whenever I open up to anyone about my problems the only suggestion anyone can come up with is "leave", but if I lost my daughter I would literally have nothing. I know I'm stupid for putting up with it (been told enough times) but I just have to keep going-I've always been the "cool" one, the one who has to be strong for everyone else, but I have nobody to lean on myself.

Then of course when I can't take the "advice" people offer me, they lose patience, stop communicating with me, my self loathing grows, and I become more and more desperate until I end up deleting everything in a fit of depression.

Sorry to have rambled on so, hope I've made some sort of sense.

Bob/Cathy,

Maybe both? I am married with three teen daughters. 51 as well. The big difference is that I always knew I was different but had no idea why. I started finding time to dress in my sister or Mom's clothes when I was about 8 or 9. Stayed with me but became connected to a sexual element. I have purged what I have had hidden, many times. I assumed I was a pervert with a weird kink. I finally hit some very dark, down times(over 3-5 years) and started exploring this. I am lucky in that so far my wife is okay with me an talking about this. However, neither of us are sure if she will stay if I fully transition. She seems to be leaning more in that direction but it does reflect on her too.

Sorry if it seems I just countered your issues with mine. That is not the intent. I was trying to show you the similarities and differences. I cannot give outright advice but can maybe make some suggestions.

Why does she not trust you? Has mentioning that you might be trans changed that(worse?)? The only way it works to stay married and explore your potential trans side is through strong and frequent communication with her. If she has cut that subject out, she has cut out the ability to work through all this with you. This might be one of those "better or worse" moments(or was it only you who agreed to that?). I am not telling you to leave her. However, something has to give. The only reason I say that is, in my experience and observations, dysphoric symptoms may retreat for a while but never go away. They tend to come back, stronger each time(especially if you are told you have to ignore it). For many of us, accepting this element is about saving our lives, not just following up on a quirk or an urge. Many of us reach depressions that lead to self harm or self destructive habits(whether it is overtly physically violent or more subversive like gaining weight, smoking, dependence issues, alcohol, putting ourselves in dangerous situations and other destructive activities).

Does she realize what you feel? Have you explored how you feel and what seems right or not to you (physically). The hard part of talking to a spouse or significant other is you may want to talk to them but not have all the answers yet. I think you should wait till you are pretty sure of where you need to head before having the discussion(once again, my opinion). Ideal is you already know and share it with them on the beginning of dating. For some of us, we were not ready nor did we have the understanding or language at that point. This is where getting a good therapist(preferably a gender specialist) is most helpful. They can help guide your exploration. You can talk to them about things you cannot with your wife. They can be a wall to bounce ideas off. They can be where you experiment and share thoughts you were not sure you could say aloud. Even if not all of your ideas/thoughts are really what you mean, you can work your way through it. You can practice talking through this as if with a family member.

So, I guess my biggest suggestion is to get a therapist who will work with you through this. Then you can figure out if you can just dress occasionally(when your wife is out?); if you need to "under dress"; get androgynous clothing that could be of either gender or start HRT and the path to transition. Then you can figure out how to work with your spouse and daughter (not to mention the best way to offend the step son ).

Please feel free to use, accept or throw away anything I have shared.

I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth path(wherever it takes you).

With warmth,

Joanna

Hello (friendly wave), welcome!

Talking here, and in the chat room will help break the isolation that you are in right now, and hopefully make you feel supported, especially given your circumstance outlined in your post, for those who choose not to transition, for what ever reasons. What is clear, is that you love your children, and are prepared to do anything for them.

Warmest regards

Sno

You will receive good advice here.  There are many wise and wonderful contributors to this website that will certainly try to help you work through the issues you outlined.  However, internet forums have built-in limitations.  You really need to seek professional, face-to-face guidance from a qualified counselor.  I would urge you to begin the search for a therapist a.s.a.p.  All the best to you. 

I agree, a gender therapist can help you sort out your needs and path.

I am 54 and came out to my wife at 50. We have a 19 year old young woman in college. I too do not like confrontation and capitulated to unrealistic demands. I too was and am not trusted. I am and have been 100% faithful.

I understand your dilemma. You will make choices either conscious or subconscious. Because I could not make a conscious decision my subconscious gave me an ultimatum in 2012 (to get help after suicide attempts) and in 2015 ( to go full time thus divorce after a suicide attempt).

You're situation is bad, but it could be worse, and your wife might come around. Look at it this way. She could have just divorced you and taken the kids, claimed domestic abuse or something.
You seem to be the victim of some sort of abuse.
As it is, she seems like one of those borderline and controlling personalities. Much of her power comes from her control over you. But the thing about individuals like this is that they are far more dependent on you than you initially think. You don't want to divorce her (and she doesn't want to divorce you - guilt works both ways, does she want her daughter to lose a parent), so find ways to break that hold over you. Initiate games with your children, with a prescribed set of rules, invite her to play and force her to follow them. If she tries to force rules on you DO NOT ENGAGE, do not play. Once she learns she cannot force you to do what she wants she'll try and guilt you. DO NOT ENGAGE. She feeds off the reaction, and once you react, you simply encourage further bad behaviour. She needs to learn how to compromise and you can't do this by giving in to her whims. If you want to watch something on TV, watch it. If you want to read a book, read it. Build a bond with your kids and try and reform some old friendships, make yourself less dependent on her, get yourself away from her and soon she'll realise that she needs you more than you need her.
Also, does she have a job? do you have a job? who owns the house? etc.
Don't take my word as gospel, I haven't been around for anywhere near long enough to know everything. Look around and find advice that fits. But also, you need to work on your personality too, to stop annoying people. She has the far bigger problem, but that doesn't mean you can't change either, in more ways than one.

Quote from: Joanna50 on August 11, 2016, 02:28:48 PM
Bob/Cathy,

Maybe both? I am married with three teen daughters. 51 as well. The big difference is that I always knew I was different but had no idea why. I started finding time to dress in my sister or Mom's clothes when I was about 8 or 9. Stayed with me but became connected to a sexual element. I have purged what I have had hidden, many times. I assumed I was a pervert with a weird kink. I finally hit some very dark, down times(over 3-5 years) and started exploring this. I am lucky in that so far my wife is okay with me an talking about this. However, neither of us are sure if she will stay if I fully transition. She seems to be leaning more in that direction but it does reflect on her too.

Sorry I wasn't very clear in my original post. I've known since, well, certainly before I started school that I was "different". I too dressed in my sister's and mother's clothes, as well as my first wife's. I assumed too that I was some sort of pervert, it frightened me... it was really only about 10 years ago that I realised, maybe, my feelings were deeper than those of a crossdresser.

QuoteWhy does she not trust you? Has mentioning that you might be trans changed that(worse?)? The only way it works to stay married and explore your potential trans side is through strong and frequent communication with her.

I left my first wife for my current wife some 13 years ago. She keeps going on about this, and if I've done it once, I'll do it again... since I disclosed my "issue" last year she's become even worse if anything, if she really wants to hurt me she makes comments about me "looking for another woman... or man". As far as she is concerned my "issue" is Not To Be Spoken Of.

QuoteThe only reason I say that is, in my experience and observations, dysphoric symptoms may retreat for a while but never go away. They tend to come back, stronger each time(especially if you are told you have to ignore it). For many of us, accepting this element is about saving our lives, not just following up on a quirk or an urge. Many of us reach depressions that lead to self harm or self destructive habits(whether it is overtly physically violent or more subversive like gaining weight, smoking, dependence issues, alcohol, putting ourselves in dangerous situations and other destructive activities).

Last year I underwent treatment for depression. This culminated in 8 months of counselling, which unfortunately didn't help... the counsellor skirted round my gender issues (no pun intended) and eventually opined that, because my sister was blatantly my parents' favourite, I wanted to be her so I'd get some affection. That just set me off on another downward spiral...

QuoteDoes she realize what you feel? Have you explored how you feel and what seems right or not to you (physically). The hard part of talking to a spouse or significant other is you may want to talk to them but not have all the answers yet.

I've tried to tell her but where my wants and needs are concerned she seems to have a kind of selective deafness... attempts are usually greeted with replies such as "I'm not a lesbian" or "do you know how much you've hurt me?"

QuoteSo, I guess my biggest suggestion is to get a therapist who will work with you through this. Then you can figure out if you can just dress occasionally(when your wife is out?); if you need to "under dress"; get androgynous clothing that could be of either gender or start HRT and the path to transition. Then you can figure out how to work with your spouse and daughter (not to mention the best way to offend the step son ).

Please feel free to use, accept or throw away anything I have shared.

I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth path(wherever it takes you).

With warmth,

Joanna

Part of the problem with my therapy was that every time I got home my wife demanded to know the intimate details of what had been discussed, she was adamant that I was hiding stuff from her, but how can you tell someone who only hears what they want to and twists everything? I'm reminded of the Queen of Hearts, "words mean what I say they mean"... I'm rarely at home alone, my wife is self employed and so storing stuff at home is out of the question, the friend who did provide me storage space and space to be "me" broke off contact as she couldn't cope with my depression and introspection. I feel like I'm going down a downward spiral with no escape...

Quote from: Just Me Here on August 11, 2016, 08:50:03 PM
You're situation is bad, but it could be worse, and your wife might come around. Look at it this way. She could have just divorced you and taken the kids, claimed domestic abuse or something.

I'd kind of expected that to happen... it may yet do, I don't know.

QuoteAs it is, she seems like one of those borderline and controlling personalities. Much of her power comes from her control over you. But the thing about individuals like this is that they are far more dependent on you than you initially think. You don't want to divorce her (and she doesn't want to divorce you - guilt works both ways, does she want her daughter to lose a parent), so find ways to break that hold over you. Initiate games with your children, with a prescribed set of rules, invite her to play and force her to follow them. If she tries to force rules on you DO NOT ENGAGE, do not play. Once she learns she cannot force you to do what she wants she'll try and guilt you. DO NOT ENGAGE. She feeds off the reaction, and once you react, you simply encourage further bad behaviour. She needs to learn how to compromise and you can't do this by giving in to her whims.

Unfortunately in her book compromise seems to work only one way...

QuoteIf you want to watch something on TV, watch it. If you want to read a book, read it. Build a bond with your kids and try and reform some old friendships, make yourself less dependent on her, get yourself away from her and soon she'll realise that she needs you more than you need her.
Also, does she have a job? do you have a job? who owns the house? etc.

She's self employed, well more a glorified hobby - all the money comes from me. The house is in joint names but she had a "deed of separation" drawn up so I effectively only have a claim on half of it. She even told the solicitor she didn't trust me...

QuoteDon't take my word as gospel, I haven't been around for anywhere near long enough to know everything. Look around and find advice that fits. But also, you need to work on your personality too, to stop annoying people. She has the far bigger problem, but that doesn't mean you can't change either, in more ways than one.

I think it's my depression that annoys people... when I get down it's like a black hole sucking in EVERYTHING, it's all consuming and I can't see anything beyond my own problems...

I'm only 25 but am going through a similar situation. My partner was jealous and controlling for a long time. When I came out to him, he insisted that it was my fault and that I hurt him. We have two babies together and he has a seven year old daughter who I consider my own (been in her life since she was only thirteen months old). Because I'm in a similar situation I don't have any answers, but I do recommend trying to see a gender therapist. I've been put on a five month waiting list to see one. I'm hoping to learn about ways to cope with all this. I can't stand the thought of losing my kids either; it's a tough situation and it makes the depression so much worse.

I'm reeling from some pretty personal comments made on another forum, pointing out my personality defects and basically accusing me of time wasting and attention seeking. If anyone feels I've wasted their time then I'm sorry, I'll take my leave and carry on coping as I have all my life. Thank you.

You're not wasting anybody's time at all.  :-). As for the other forum, it sounds like those are not nice people. 

My wife used to give me hell in much the same way as you describe yours.  So I can feel your pain and know how much it hurts.  My wife did eventually come around when I tried to explain clearly what trans was and that I wanted to kill myself over it all.  Still she's not perfect, but since I'm not either, perfection is too much to ask for.

Stay and maybe we can eventually help.  Vent all you want, we all need someplace to let out the pressure and it does help to do it where people understand.

Let me say upfront that it's much easier to give advice and see issues for what they really are when it's someone else's situation.  Having said that, you will likely be/feel like the victim as long as you cede the "power over you" to someone else.  Retaking control over your own emotions and how you feel about you can start with small steps.  If you don't own your space especially with someone who doesn't acknowledge your RIGHT to think, feel and be who you are, you're walking with a foot nailed to the floor.  Imagine you LOVE the Green Bay Packers (OK, pick your own team) and someone you know ridicules you for backing the Pack as opposed to their team........... would you cower in the corner, feel like you are somehow wrong and submissively accept the ridicule, or continue to confidently believe in and support  your team with the knowledge that the other person is entitled to their opinion as are you?  May I submit it's no different with your feelings and your relationship with a big exception: you feel guilty for your feelings and feminine inclinations.  Until you fully accept that those are genuine and you are entitled to feel them despite how others including and especially your wife feels about them, you will continue to allow yourself to be victimized.  Figure out how to retake control..........the right counselor/therapist can be a great asset.

Let me add that I've made the most progress in particularly difficult relationship situations when I was able to shed the guilt and fully embrace that others' non acceptance was their issue rather than mine........I don't need to conform to their view of how I should live my life - they need to "get over it".........or not.

I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife when I was 53. For her this was a MAJOR betrayal, which is a major hot-button issue for her after having been betrayed many times by others in her past. Unlike your situation she knew from about day 1 I had gender issues. Only now is she mostly over the betrayal and has a great deal of trust in me.

People hopefully learn and grow as we go through life. Some people do not. You want to learn and grow as a person. If like me your marriage, your love, to this woman is a big factor to your overall happiness, there is a lot of juggling of conflicting needs and wants.

I still live and present primarily as male. A far from ideal situation today after having been able to live part-time as female. I cannot take the risk given my obligations to her and to "The Us" of going full-time. I would like to, don't need to. There are plenty of "Needs" I do address, in particular the TG needs.

When I decided to take on the Trans-Beast for real seven years ago any sort of transition was not even on the radar. Been there, tried it twice. Both times disasters. What I came to realize after a lot of introspection was that I needed to figure out how to get these two major aspects of myself, the male and the female, to live in peace together. In essence to have my cake and eat it too. This took a lot of hard work and still is. I read a ton of self-help books and got into therapy. I needed to rid myself of the guilt and the shame of being trans. I needed to unlearn a lot of unhealthy behaviors I used to try to be as normal of a guy I could. A "Normal" that eventually led me to become a lifeless, soulless Thing that only existed to do "What was Expected". Easy back then because I knew nothing else other then what was expected. I had no hopes, no wishes, no dreams, except one given up on long long ago. Today I am still learning what it is like to actually be Me.

There are a lot of things you can do for yourself, in spite of her diktat to "Never speak of this 'Thing' again". Her "Not Trusting" you sure is going to make it complicated to see a therapist, any therapist even. A TG support group is certainly out unless there is a weekend daytime one when you are off to Home Despot for something   Still, like me there are plenty of books out there. Some spoke volumes to me. Others didn't take long to realize didn't "Grab" me.  Sadly, your options are limited, in part by your own rules.

---

Editorial  IMO a marriage is a partnership. Both parties need to balance each others needs and wants as well as their own. Two Co-Equal branches with some division of labor. My wife and I both place the others happiness over our own. Dysfunctional? Maybe. But if the other isn't happy, don't you want to change that? If ultimately their happiness, perhaps even their life, means major upsetting changes to your own one way or another, it is selfish to deny them theirs for your own. Don't you think?

---

When I am faced with complicated issues or questions with answers just as complicated I found one simple "Test" yields all you need to discover:
"Which Pain is Worse?"

Quote from: JoanneB on August 13, 2016, 07:44:59 AMI still live and present primarily as male. A far from ideal situation today after having been able to live part-time as female. I cannot take the risk given my obligations to her and to "The Us" of going full-time. I would like to, don't need to. There are plenty of "Needs" I do address, in particular the TG needs.

I don't - can't - address my TG needs. It was suggested that I could dress when she was out - but as whenever she's out invariably at least one of the kids is in, apart from an hour and a half every other Sunday, that's not really practical. I did try, but I couldn't relax as I had one ear cocked for her getting back early and one eye on the clock. I did have a couple of friends who let me use their places, but as they were both 40-50 miles away it meant taking a day off work every time, and eventually they stopped offering... I didn't like to ask... and one of them ultimately cut me off completely.

QuoteI needed to rid myself of the guilt and the shame of being trans. I needed to unlearn a lot of unhealthy behaviors I used to try to be as normal of a guy I could. A "Normal" that eventually led me to become a lifeless, soulless Thing that only existed to do "What was Expected". Easy back then because I knew nothing else other then what was expected. I had no hopes, no wishes, no dreams, except one given up on long long ago.

I know all about the guilt and shame. She is very good at playing on it. The last 3 sentences are exactly how I feel...

QuoteToday I am still learning what it is like to actually be Me.

There are a lot of things you can do for yourself, in spite of her diktat to "Never speak of this 'Thing' again". Her "Not Trusting" you sure is going to make it complicated to see a therapist, any therapist even. A TG support group is certainly out unless there is a weekend daytime one when you are off to Home Despot for something   Still, like me there are plenty of books out there. Some spoke volumes to me. Others didn't take long to realize didn't "Grab" me.  Sadly, your options are limited, in part by your own rules.

I did see a therapist for 8 months. Every time I got home I was grilled... I think that was partly why it wasn't ultimately of much benefit, although equally the therapist was convinced that deep down I wanted to be my sister (who was blatantly my parents' favourite).

Quote

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Editorial  IMO a marriage is a partnership. Both parties need to balance each others needs and wants as well as their own. Two Co-Equal branches with some division of labor. My wife and I both place the others happiness over our own. Dysfunctional? Maybe. But if the other isn't happy, don't you want to change that? If ultimately their happiness, perhaps even their life, means major upsetting changes to your own one way or another, it is selfish to deny them theirs for your own. Don't you think?

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My needs and wants seem to be subservient to my wife's. I try my damnedest to make her happy, ultimately though my best never seems to be good enough. I'm constantly made to feel selfish for wanting anything for myself... I just don't know what to do.

QuoteWhen I am faced with complicated issues or questions with answers just as complicated I found one simple "Test" yields all you need to discover:
"Which Pain is Worse?"

And that's the big question, if I knew the answer to that one everything would be clear...

Quote from: Bob Wascathy on August 12, 2016, 01:55:41 PM
Last year I underwent treatment for depression. This culminated in 8 months of counselling, which unfortunately didn't help... the counsellor skirted round my gender issues (no pun intended) and eventually opined that, because my sister was blatantly my parents' favourite, I wanted to be her so I'd get some affection. That just set me off on another downward spiral...

A lot of therapists are really uncomfortable with gender variance, and it doesn't help that the medical profession and the mental health profession in particular have seen their job as forcing their patients to be what society considers "healthy" and "normal."  They don't know anything about gender issues and would rather reinterpret their patients' issues in terms they feel more comfortable with.

Having to hide some essential part of yourself and pretend to be what you aren't is by itself enough to cause pretty bad depression.  That your therapist didn't want to address the elephant in the living room simply says that she/he wasn't a good therapist for you.  My therapist of 20+ years was clearly uncomfortable when I started talking about wearing skirts and dresses, but was not willing to admit she had an issue with it.  I finally realized that she could no longer help me, since she wasn't willing to go where I needed to go to find out who I really was under all that denial and repression.  My current therapist has experience with transgender patients and with treatment of trauma, which has made her a good therapist for me, and I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll finally be able to address the issues that have been tormenting me my whole life.

Quote from: Bob Wascathy on August 12, 2016, 01:55:41 PM
I've tried to tell her but where my wants and needs are concerned she seems to have a kind of selective deafness... attempts are usually greeted with replies such as "I'm not a lesbian" or "do you know how much you've hurt me?"

Part of the problem with my therapy was that every time I got home my wife demanded to know the intimate details of what had been discussed, she was adamant that I was hiding stuff from her, but how can you tell someone who only hears what they want to and twists everything? I'm reminded of the Queen of Hearts, "words mean what I say they mean"... I'm rarely at home alone, my wife is self employed and so storing stuff at home is out of the question, the friend who did provide me storage space and space to be "me" broke off contact as she couldn't cope with my depression and introspection. I feel like I'm going down a downward spiral with no escape...

This sounds a lot like my ex, but in my case, I wasn't even presenting any gender issues yet, yet she was treating me this way.  I finally reached the point where I didn't want to live any more, and realized I had to get out or I would die.  BTW my sons were 11 and 14 at the time, and they both had serious issues, so I was reluctant at first to leave.  But eventually I realized I was no good to them dead -- or dead inside -- and that I could help them more by providing an emotionally safe place for them, so at age 50, I started the process to leave.

I know you want to stay with her, but from your description, that may not be possible.  This sounds like a bad situation, apart from any gender issues.

BTW, if you do consider leaving, retain a good lawyer first, before you let her know anything, and follow their instructions.  I got a PO box for any correspondence with my lawyer, so she wouldn't see it or have a chance to intercept it.  Yes, she'll get mad, but you say she already didn't trust you from the beginning.  It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Quote from: Bob Wascathy on August 14, 2016, 04:19:19 AM
My needs and wants seem to be subservient to my wife's. I try my damnedest to make her happy, ultimately though my best never seems to be good enough. I'm constantly made to feel selfish for wanting anything for myself... I just don't know what to do.

OMG.  Please tell me you aren't 50-year-old me, from 13 years ago....  I could have written exactly the same thing back then.  This kind of thing will kill you.

It is easy to see why therapy wasn't doing much. Like how could you open up and be brutally honest, baring your soul to them when "you got grilled"?

Oh wait.... It can if you're in a loving relationship. Adversarial... well... that does require some delicacy; Or outright lying. I know how hard or difficult the latter can be. My wife knows me too well for me to hold back and get away with it.

QuoteMy needs and wants seem to be subservient to my wife's. I try my damnedest to make her happy, ultimately though my best never seems to be good enough. I'm constantly made to feel selfish for wanting anything for myself... I just don't know what to do.

A Partnership Implies both sides Give as well as Take. Seems like only only one party is participating fully. What can you do? A relatively easy one is "Set Limits" before, as my wife often says to me... "I find you hanging from the end of a rope in the garage". OK Most days it isn't That bad but.... There is a nice chunk of concrete I hit square on at easily 90 MPH if/when I need to. Again I may want to some days, I don't Need to, thankfully. Better you get help/advise and tell her "I am uncomfortable discussing what we talked about" then the alternative of self harming. Which in effect is where you are today slowly morphing into a similar lifeless, soulless Thing I forced myself to become.

Most times I do open up completely to my wife about how my sessions with the therapist went when she asks. If there was something I'd rather not revel, I just flat out tell her something a bit ambiguous like "Scary Stuff". If she presses further I usually do fold knowing I can tell her anything/everything. But I sometimes obfuscate when it is really really scary stuff, something I haven't sorted out fully, and especially something I haven't sorted out fully that lead her to assuming a "Worse Case" scenario. Though, she 90% of the time has solutions I never was able to dream of that can likely work.

I suspect you are overthinking my "Simple" question of Which Pain is Worse? Which is worse is easy. You now have a direction. The "What Next?"..... That requires some to a LOT of thought.

I sense, that like me, you need some "Me" time to escape Maleness. Kids do complicate things and I am no expert there aside from knowing "Something" can be worked out so you can be alone in the house for a few hours or more. That is if your wife is willing to help which seems like she is not.

Indulge you, and then what comes next?  Best to beat it down. That same old tired trope you tried for 4-5 decades. Want another 50 years of that? 

I love a good Irony. Even poor to mediocre ones. My existence is one GIANT irony being trans, being Gigantor, being balding since 14, being a deeper voiced announcer then most radio guys. The Irony here with you... Sometimes you just need to "Man-Up". God knows how difficult it was and is for me to. But....

But until you are stronger, you can still check out books and DVD's from the library, do some reading, Check out some TED Talks, etc. to start healing yourself. Covering a few pages a day during lunch is easy. Rather then surfing, do TED or other resources.

To paraphrase my ex-fiancee, My self-esteem is (or was) "Lower then the belly of a pregnant snail". Taking any sort of a step is super scary, so much risk, way too many unknowns to ponder.

I have another affirmation I often use, almost daily. A simple reminder to try to get ME to apply the same easy lessons I learned and are reflexive when it comes to my work...

I Know What Does Not Work.

I suspect you also know what hasn't been working. Albert Einstein defined "Insanity" as doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I know for now that for the longest time I was insane.

I'm Feeling Much Better Now. So can you. Life, living is terminal. You will wind up dead. Misery, unlike life, does not need to be terminal. Only You can prevent misery. Somehow you need to find the inner strength, the need, the desire, to take even just a small chance and change things. Change towards the direction you NEED

I have been through a similar situation, and I dealt with it effectively so far, so i may be able to offer some advice. My question to you is, what exactly are you trying accomplish? Change, or comfort without change?

I tried the vague approach... I tried saying stuff like "childhood stuff", to which I got the response "what sort of childhood stuff?" I got the distinct feeling I was being needled, it was painful enough going through some of that stuff once never mind twice. She was frequently disparaging saying "it can't be doing you much good", ultimately part of me started to think she didn't want me to get better... Just like she doesn't want me to lose weight.

I'd love a break from "maleness" sometimes, but I definitely won't get it at home. It's been 2 years now since I had any "me time" with no prospect of any on the horizon. My wife views my condition as some kind of perversion, indeed she accused me of "going through my wardrobe looking for something to have a w**k in" which hurt like hell... I daren't say anything though, as ever... Self esteem? What's that?

I'll have a look for some self help books, I have a Kindle reader on my phone so could probably find something electronically-just a case then of choosing my moment carefully as if she sees me with my phone in my hand...

Quote from: Christina308 on August 15, 2016, 02:42:03 AM
I have been through a similar situation, and I dealt with it effectively so far, so i may be able to offer some advice. My question to you is, what exactly are you trying accomplish? Change, or comfort without change?

I'd like to change but every time I try, something inside seems to stop me. If there's an option for comfort without change I haven't found it yet...