Hi Everyone,

Sorry if this post comes out as just rambling my thoughts, but I just need a spot to write it all down and get other peoples opinions and advice on the subject

A little about me, currently Early 20's, came out to my family late teens, I thought my family would be ok and there were to start with and it all went downhill from there. My mom become very controlling and trying to convince me not to act on my feelings.

I went to a gender therapist and he confirmed my diagnosed of being trans after about a month was offered HRT and had to decline and stop seeing the therapist due to my mom and her attitude and I needed my family in my life at that point in time due another illness I got. (which thankfully is now borne and I'm all healed up)

Over the last 2 years (I have now moved out of home) or so every time I see her she's always going out of her way to make positive comments on the LBGT and how she supports their rights and how brave they are ect.


But after all this my mind and she's are all over the place, I keep going through periods were I say to myself I don't want to transition, but 5mins later I feel like transition is the only option for me.

I have tried to figure out what triggers these feelings the most and for what ever reason I have worked out when I go out shopping or just out and about I notice it triggers my GID really badly. It seems to be only when I see attractive females and if I don't find somebody feminine and beautiful it doesn't seem to trigger these feelings as bad. Im not sure what it means, if I'm over analysing it or what??? Can anybody relate??

The other thing I find is if I keep busy I "forget" about my GID and I'm finding I just keep finding random crap to make sure i keep myself busy 100% of the time and when I do this I can make it through the day with ease.
As soon as I give myself a day off, I realise how unhappy I am and just can't get transition out of my brain until I keep myself busy again. It feels like a destructive and vicious circle.

Another that annoys me, because I can't get my head around the situations I'm to embarrassed to even get a referral letter off my doctors to go back to my gender therapist. I feel so lost, confused and like I'm not in control anymore.

Last but not least and I'm sorry if this is a major trigger for people.....
But the reason I keep saying I don't want to transition is I don't feel like ill every be a "real" woman (I don't mean any offence, I just can't keep this out of my mind) Ill never experience growing up, school, periods, child birth, even since my genitals and different Ill never experience sexual pleasure like cis woman do.

Thank you to anybody that is kind enough to read this whole post and offer me some advice, I just feel like my mind is in 10 places at once right and I'm going around in circles in myself achieving nothing.

Looking forward to getting to know everyone

Hi Mind Madness!

I am sorry you are in pain about where you find yourself currently.

Let me offer you this coming from someone who is old enough to be your mother...

First... Yes!..it is true... You are never going to be a genetic woman or experience growing up female, periods, pregnancy etc... That part you would do best to file under " difficult things in life that I must accept" and move on from there....Transition allows us to live as close as we will get in this lifetime to the outside matching up with the inside. It is a serious undertaking and not to be moved ahead with until you are sure that is where you need to go

Your feelings inside are not going anywhere... Believe me on this!!! I would urge you to continue sorting through them with a therapist and a support group if you have one you can attend. Don't let embarrassment slow you down... Fear of others judgement is something we impose on ourself and letting go of that is a skill that will serve you well in life...

You say you feel lost and that you lack control of your life... Let me put forward to you that ultimately, you are the only one in control... You are holding the steering wheel... Figure out where you want be in life and steer to that place... Life is not something that happens to you unless you let go of the wheel... Life is what you make it

If you end up believing transition is your path... Start looking at how you are going to move ahead and make it work instead of why you can't!!! All hurdles ... Emotional, financial, social, family etc can be cleared if that is your goal.

You are young and with your youth comes a certain impatience to see a quick fix... Realize you have time to sort through all this and make your life what you need it to be... Whatever that ends up being....

I wish you peace of mind and wish you the best as you explore your road ahead

Take Care,

Ashley

Mind,

I too am old enough to be your parent. Hope that doesn't make me seem either bossy or like I know what you have to do. I can only encourage and suggest based on my experience and what I have witnessed(still does not make it an empirical truth).

I can honestly say that I felt most of what you described in the past year and a half. I did not have the words and pushed things off till I was 50. Pretty deeply in denial for all those years, assuming I was a pervert and if I just believed and asked God for help, I would be cured of it. I hit one of those rock bottoms you may have read or heard about from our community. Now, even though I sometimes think I am too old, married for 25 years (and it's not fair to her), a father of three teens(not fair to them), I can never pass and really be accepted, I have lasted this long without doing anything.... all excuses. I am slowly working with a therapist, elcectrologist, endocrinologist(maybe a few other ists, I'm not sure). I don't have all the answers but I am progressing. I am scared and at moments embarrassed but I am moving forward. I don't want to lose my relationships but I am communicating.

I am not saying we are the same. I am not saying you have to follow my lead. I am giving you background so you understand why I am reacting to what you have written.

Ashley is right about so many things in her post. Nope, you will never be a cis woman. Yes, you will continue to have doubts through every step, they will be there(no matter how far you choose to take your journey). I too found that no matter how denied and buried the feelings and impulses are, they come back and never leave(sometimes feels like they get stronger each time).

It seems to be common that if we are busy, we lose some of the dysphoria. That is often our advice to members suffering and asking advice(if you are at a point you can't go faster and have to wait, keep busy, get a hobby, find creative outlets). I had lost many of my symptoms when my kids were young. I was too busy with them and work to notice much else. However, once I got some more free time, BOOM. There it was.

I too would highly suggest working with a gender therapist. Embarrassment is not terribly damaging to the body. They can help sort through all these polar feelings you seem to be experiencing. They can help guide you. Once you get to them you can think about HRT. In low dosages, many find an answer. Yes, I feel calmer, clearer, more sane, at ease, able to sleep.... the list for people goes on and on. Some see HRT in low dosages as kind of a diagnostic. If it helps in some way you may be headed in the right direction. If you start and want to stop after 2-3 months, there are very few side effects that will be permanent(perhaps none).

The fear of not being a "real woman" grips all of us at some point(my speculation-maybe more like most of us). We all fear getting seen in a way others won't accept. We all want to be as attractive as we can. I can say that right now I am not out at work. I hate the way I look right now. It is not just the in between phase of HRT. I hate the old strange man I see in the mirror. When presenting, I am not thrilled but she is not too bad. I can honestly say (and my wife has noted this) that my mood, and approach to life has improved so much. The only regret I really have now is that I did not seek help so many years ago. Decades passed so quickly and I just assumed everyone was depressed and faking their way through life...There are a decade or two that I know took place but I can't say I did anything but live through the day. Now I try to enjoy,even on bad days, we all get them.

So from one mind of madness to another, try to find out where you should be going. A therapist's job is just that.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in. Sorry how long this response was.

With warmth,

Joanna

I can relate somewhat. I came up with reasons to not do anything about it. I can say that I am happy with the changes that HRT has made in my life... nothing is overnight. It is one of those things where you can "try before you buy". Trying it out for a "fit" is nothing more than a week or two of your life... and just keep in mind that there are plenty of women who can never have kids, and they've adjusted... it makes you no less of a woman. Everyone wishes to have everything,  but that never happens... all we can hope for is to be the best versions of ourselves. Sometimes that's transition, sometimes not. However, it's a little soul searching and then you just embrace it. 

The first thing you can do is get more information to figure yourself out. A therapist with knowledge of gender issues is safest. If someone says something that you think is too far off, don't be afraid to find someone else. If you are out on your own, it might be easier to get some real life experience. Find a support group where you can talk and maybe be out in public dressed in a more feminine manner. This will give you a reality check, so that all of the thinking you do is not all theoretically based. I hid my true self for many years. One of the things that I wish I knew as a younger person was that I built a  wall of fear and doubt that is in reality a lie, a sham. I looked at making any any progress and said," I could never do that. That's something someone else could do but not me. Transitioning? That's totally incomprehensible to me." Well guess what, I am now living full time as a woman. My whole world knows and it doesn't hurt a bit. I took one step at a time, and each step was good, it was right. Is it perfect? No, not at all. It's still scary. Not doing it, well that would have been the death of my true self. Your path is yours alone. Just don't spend forever thinking these feelings will go away. Figure out a non-perfect but workable path and go for it.
Moni

Quote from: MindMadness on August 12, 2016, 05:36:06 AM
But after all this my mind and she's are all over the place, I keep going through periods were I say to myself I don't want to transition, but 5mins later I feel like transition is the only option for me.

I have tried to figure out what triggers these feelings the most and for what ever reason I have worked out when I go out shopping or just out and about I notice it triggers my GID really badly. It seems to be only when I see attractive females and if I don't find somebody feminine and beautiful it doesn't seem to trigger these feelings as bad. Im not sure what it means, if I'm over analysing it or what??? Can anybody relate??

I can relate completely and I, like the other respondents, am old enough to be your parent.  I will notice a woman in the street and have this overriding wish that I was living her life and urge to emulate her.  These are not stunningly beautiful women but ordinary people who obviously care about their femininity and their appearance.  Equally, there are any number of women that I definitely would not wish to be or emulate and the feelings aren't triggered.  I used to experience the latter a lot while waiting in the school playground to pick up my son where the vast majority of the mother looked like a very bad advertisement for womanhood (and sometimes had personalities to match!).

As regards the urge to transition coming and going, absolutely!  Happens all the time and the problem is, when the urges subside, I feel stupid for ever having considered it.

The advice I would give you is get all the professional help you can and make your choices while you are still young.  When you get to my age, the decision is not only one of 'do I want to be female' but also 'do I want to lose my wife and possibly my kids?', 'I've got a nice house, do I really want to lose it?', 'what will the impact on my work be and how will I survive financially?' and all of the other baggage that comes with age.

You are out to your family; what I would do in your position is to confide in a girl friend who you trust and can possibly lead your early steps to enable you to see whether this is a path that gives you inner peace.

Good luck,

Amanda

Thanks for everyone's replies it really did help.

Went and seen my GP yesterday and got a referral to the gender therapist.

Feeling better then when I posted this, but still a million and one thoughts running through my head.

Well, keep contacting us and asking questions. Soon you will only 900,000 questions... 

keep going forward. It is not a race.

With warmth,

Joanna