When I came out at work several months ago, everything was perfect. People immediately switched names/pronouns. It couldn't have gone better. Sound familiar? Because that's exactly what happened with my family before the major fallout that wiped out 90% of them. I didn't lose my job, but I seem to have lost my credibility.

I'm a principal developer and I've been with the company for almost 10 years. I'm one of the original developers on the project and I lead multiple development teams on the project. About 4-5 months into my transition, they apparently decided I'm a moron. I now spend more time explaining to people why something was implemented the way it was than I do actually doing my job. The whole team spends 6-12 months on design plans, then I get questioned over why it was designed that way for another month or so. It's driving me insane.

(can't tell if the pressure you're getting is from owner/ceo side, or subordinate team members.. but....)

Honest question... are you sure its not a combination of age and simply slipping up a bit with keeping up with the current best practices, style guidelines, etc?

I notice I'm having a lot harder time than I used to, for instance with the new-ish Typescript, I love the improvements and as a relic c/c++ person its much nicer to work with than older javascript; but I'm just **REALLY** not excited about trying to stick with the standardized guidelines; but I need to because I want the current project to be supportable (without them calling me!) after I retire.

So, while I still have to "scold the children" about bad algorithm or scaling choices, their criticism of my poor adherence to style guidelines is legit and so I try, but grey hair you know....   Your organization and team is obviously much larger than mine, full respect offered here, but just a thought from something I've noticed in myself.

gack!

Emily, I'm sorry you are going through this, but it seems to be pretty common in the rapidly changing world of software engineering.  I've been bitten by this as well, years before I came out.

The cause, such as it is, appeared to me to be folks trained in more recent trends in software practices combined with managers (think Pointy Haired Bosses) whose ear they were bending.  The purity of some piece of methodology just wasn't found in implementations of software that had to meet poorly defined and constantly evolving customer demands (higher level software developers, in my case), that had grown over a decade of use and development.

I sat through too many meetings where I was told my projects would have been much more manageable if only I had adopted proper pair programming practices to leverage spiral development in an agile scrum environment...   Auggggh!   And why on earth was something coded this way? (Because that's how the hardware works, dear...  Chips have bugs, too, and we aren't spending $200K to spin the part when a hundred lines of code fixes it...)

It gets insane being nitpicked and critiqued by someone who "wasn't there" for the design and development process.  Very frustrating, but you might be able to get something out of it if you can get the other folks to engage constructively.  That is, explain why something had to be done a certain way, the constraints involved (tech, budget, available skills on the team, timeline...), and ask for input on what can be done to avoid these constraints on future projects. (It always comes down to time and budget, and we all know what happens when we ask for more of either...)

Unless things are really unprofessional at work, it's not likely to be related to your transition, as much as the usual workplace dynamics.

It's to be expected though, isn't it?  If your male co-workers truly see you as a woman now, that means they are also treating you like men tend to treat women in the workplace... taking women's opinions, ideas, and work less seriously than that of men.  Cis women have been dealing with that bias all their lives, and now you get to experience that too! 

I read an article a while ago (sorry, I don't have the link) about a stage director who transitioned.  In her previous life, she ordered people around, they listened, and they got things done.  After she transitioned from MtF, the crew didn't respond as well to the same instructions.  She was frustrated and exasperated until she realized that as a woman, she needed to change her approach to leading and managing people.  After she did that, they crew started working in harmony again.

Maybe that is something worth considering?  Maybe you can try taking a traditionally female approach to leading your team, rather than the male-oriented approach that you may have been using for so many years?

Slipping probably isn't it. I keep current on languages and design patterns pretty well. I also got my start in assembler and I while I appreciate that it got me my first job, I have since removed it as something that I ever used because I hate it

It's probably the new mentality I guess. I've worked with my boss for about 15 years now though so it's catching me off guard. But it is the new blood that has his ear over mine. I had a new system administrator questioning me earlier today enough that I now have a meeting with my boss to explain why it was done this way. My boss was in the design meetings! I do keep very thorough notes, so when I get questions like this from my boss, I just forward the email or instant message he himself sent.

Although I think the transition has something to do with it too. If I was slowly starting to see stuff like this over time, I may be inclined to think it wasn't, but it started rather suddenly after I started the transition.

lol.. I keep an iAPX 286 programmers reference manual and 8087 assembly language guide on my bookshelf, cause....

REASONZZZ

You may be right though, if the change was abrupt after transition started.   Kinda sucks, desire to move behavior further feminine but you get negative feedback from it, and hassles you don't need.   

Quote from: EmilyMK03 on August 12, 2016, 09:34:58 AM
It's to be expected though, isn't it?  If your male co-workers truly see you as a woman now, that means they are also treating you like men tend to treat women in the workplace... taking women's opinions, ideas, and work less seriously than that of men.  Cis women have been dealing with that bias all their lives, and now you get to experience that too!

I agree with Emily. It sounds like you've lost your "male privilege."

I'm self-employed but i noticed a fair amount of this too. From colleagues, clients, and even employees at times. (although thankfully very little of the latter).

It has made me into even more of a equality advocate than i was in the past, and that is saying a lot. I have to avoid being over the top on it at times.

Male privilege is real and even great self-aware and sensitive men exercise it at sometimes, often not even realizing they are.

Quote from: KarynMcD on August 12, 2016, 12:23:06 PM
I agree with Emily. It sounds like you've lost your "male privilege."

Re-reading all of this, yeah, that could be the case.  Especially with the same manager in place from before transition, and the long work experience with him.

I think I might have worked in an unusually accepting work environment compared to most tech "boys clubs".   My old department is run by a very competent manager who happens to be a woman.  Our HR department worked pretty hard for another associate who transitioned while I was there, making sure the rest of us behaved properly .

To say I have "self esteem" issues is like saying the sun rises in the east.I have worked long and hard feeling inadequate in spite of all the accolades I have gotten. One of the BIGGEST things that I can say make me, ME, is ... what my wife refers to as being "The Master of the Electron". It's what turned me on since... about as long as feeling I am a woman. As in forever.

More then the loss of my my job, I fear the loss of respect of my abilities I have earned from my coworkers if/when I go full-time. More so the people in trenches, the assemblies, and test techs that rely on me to keep things shipping so we all make money. I work in for a small electronics manufacturer with about 200 heads, a good 30 in my group. Plus a handfull of of other engineers doing other things not connected directly to me.
 
A member of my support group, a big wig IT person bemoans the loss of her "Male Privilege". She says it's like she lost a good 50 points of her IQ for wearing a skirt as far as others are concerned. I tend to chalk it up to far darker reasons 

As you saw with family, when the reality begins to sink in with them.... So does reality

Yea, same here....

It took about 3 months for things to turn south.  Everyone treated me like I suddenly became stupid.  Then, they started ignoring me.  Bad evals followed.

After about 18 months, a number of problems came up with projects I was pulled from.  I fixed them.  It's now quite good.

Looking back, it was three things: my ignorance about living as a woman, they expected me to be the same, the competitive nature of my work opened opportunities for others to step in while everyone worked through the nw dynamics.

In the end, I'm fine and back on track.

Nasty way to learn..

You'll be OK.  Be better than you were before!!

Hugs,

Jen

Same here..I work for a very large company with good LGBT protection.. When I came out at work, Everyone was on board...

I then went from one of the top techs in our small crew to be almost completely ignored.. I finally made it clear that they can continue to ignore me, and I will become a useless slug and they can do all the work from here on..

Or they can go back to listening to me and we all can productive members of society..... things got alot better.. not perfect.. but i will take it..
A now mostly male crew still recognizes confidence and respect..

That is exactly what I fear the most about my transition. I just got a promotion and I will be transferred to another office where I will probably have to prove that I did earn this promotion which can be hard even for a man and even harder for a transitioning woman.

Without a LOT more detail/particulars It's difficult to give specific advice.  I have found that true collaboration creates buy-in on a project, path, direction, outcome, etc and perhaps more importantly creates "ownership" among the collaborators.  Blazing the trail solo (more or less) is a predominantly male approach.  It's been my observation that women tend to be more collaborative both in the workplace and in general..................  Of course you may already be working this way .......?

Did you company go through re-orgs recently? I have seen this way to often where a re-org just adds a whole new layer of needing to explain stuff (I changed what I wanted to write).
Even though the time coincides I am not entirely sure it is related to you coming out. Especially in the tech world everything changes so fast, programming languages, methodologies and system design. (aren't we already past the craze of Agile and Xtreme? Isn't Lean and containerized MicroServices the thing everyone believes will fix everything?). It has become incredibly hard to stay on top of things and while I used to be able to pick up the new stuff it has become a bit harder in the past years. Maybe also because I believe that a lot of the "new fancy methodologies" are just not working.

I have to admit I have been in a similar situation you are before even figuring out I am mtf. I had been leading some of the largest projects for work and I had up to 8 reports and a few assigned teams at times. All the sudden they created a "new" department and a bunch of folks got pushed in there with the mandate to create a bunch of glue solutions for our product. Sounds cool - but reality was that we had been given zero budget, no people who could do the work and 10 Managers with great ideas. It really felt like we all had been pushed into a corner in hopes we quit on our own. we had nothing to do and there have been times where we could get away with less that 5 hours real work a week (actually - that part I liked compared to the 80 hour weeks before). In the end I think it was a management move to shift cost around so things look better on paper. Long story short - I got pulled back in my old role after a while since they needed more people. Don't like it too much anymore. 

So I started two things:
1. look for a new job
2. reinvent myself at work. I am pretty close to have that completed and somehow our entire C level knows my name so chances are not too bad I get to do what I am planning. Pretty much moving out of direct implementation and development work into Tier 1 Customer relations.

So far only one customer (another one suspects) and one person at work knows about my plans to transition so things may be a bit easier for myself until I break the news.

As mentioned - things like that happen independent of coming out or not. the question is if there is a chance for you to re-invent yourself, get on a different team or find a different job. I for myself have decided I am not taking that kind of emotional abuse as mentioned before anymore. Either I get what I am working on or I am out of there.

Lastly I have to mention that I like people questioning my designs or ideas for the most part. That really helps produce a better solution overall. However I really have developed a zero tolerance for incompetent management...

I think you have to expect this behavior from the males around you. If you have ever watched a group of mostly men and just a few women standing in the halls at a conference, you will notice how the men will essentially exclude the women from the conversation by body language alone. Men tend to turn their backs or at best their sides toward the women while they chat. This usually leaves the women to gather just outside the male huddle and just talk to each other. Welcome to being accepted as a woman  both good and bad 

I'd love to switch jobs from the primarily physical one I have now to programming. Also because I'd like to start HRT sooner rather than later. The one thing I've noticed is many programming jobs want to use Java or even use Visual Basic for the IDE. Whats up with that? Can the younger crowd not cut it with C / C++? I've toyed with Assembly (really didn't like it  ) and used Verilog for FPGA's but C++ is what I have coded almost everything in from desktop to DSP's and microcontrollers. Now it seems I have to step down to learn basic programming syntax just to qualify for a job. 

I am glad I left IT...

It is a very strange field... things got so unnecessarily complex, something I detested. I could do something with a 1000 lines of code, where right now, you have to have 100.000 lines of code to do the same thing. It's just ridiculous.

Scrum... sounds like scum. Buzzwords, spin, managers, bah... no IT is dead. The real love for crafting code has died. It's templates, plugins, frameworks, frameworks, frameworks and some more frameworks. (oh, and add some more) No one builds something from scratch anymore. Everything has become another pre-baked product. And then they complain they get hacked all the time. I wonder why! lol. 

I will never return to IT, going to do something else.

Sounds just like my rants. Coding is what takes the least amount of time during my day. They'll freak out if I write my own code, so I have to spend all day researching poorly documented 3rd party stuff that already does it, then spend another week trying to figure out how to get it to work with our stuff!

I would totally leave IT and this job, but the job is paying for my surgery, and the company is already okay with the timeline for the recovery, so I'm stuck here until that's done in about 3-4 months depending on my recovery time.

I'm glad I don't work in software these days but mechanical engineering can be nearly (not quite) as bad. IT was the last major technical field to see an influx of women, on the other hand it's also growing fastest.

I've tired of having proved myself over decades and still having some cocksure child arrive thinking his bachelor's degree and couple of years experience confer anything approaching good engineering judgement.

Being as often as not the person in the room with both clearest understanding and the ideas to approach a difficult problem it's extra annoying to see management give credence to men (and sometimes women) who think the path to career advancement is aggressive posturing.

I have noticed this kind of distrust and suspicion in the workplace too.

I transitioned at work about two years ago and it was pretty seamless at first. Gradually as people forgot about the old me they began treating me like they treat other women - talking over me in meetings, questioning why I did things, always suspicious about my work, and dismissing my input and my concerns.

When I transitioned I was the architect and I was the only developer working by myself day after day on a very complex piece of software for my company - it took 3.5 years to write sitting alone and isolated in my office. That software is now poised for commercial success - a partnership deal has just been signed between my company and a very large company that everyone has heard of to sell that software.

I succeeded big time.

Meanwhile, even with the pending commercial success of my work as proof that I know what i'm doing the suspicion and the questioning continues.

I think that what is happening to you is a form of misogyny combined with jealousy and maybe just a bit of transphobia. Men hate it when we are rewarded for excellent work and they hate it when we outwork them.

I'd also say that this treatment is proof that you are being seen in the workplace as just one of the girls.