Hello, everybody. I came here for help, because I simply don't know what to do.
For many years I feel like I am "not im my body". Firstly, I need to claim, that I am not a schizephrenic, psychopath or any kind of mentally ill person. I am 23 and come from Poland. By profession, I am an english teacher (which here is quite profitable
) Currently I am male. I don't feel good with it.
Recently I am simply in a very bad mood, tired and quite sad. I was thinking for a couple of weeks "why?" and I got to know it something around two-three weeks ago - I am mentally not a male. I am mentally a girl. Very shy, moody, taking everything quite seriously, taking a lot of things emotionally, sometimes not coping with myself. I've always loved animals, hugs (I didn't receive a lot of them), shiny and colorful clothes...
I remember when I was 5-6 years old and I preferred plying with dolls of my sister than little cars of my brother. My mother and sister forced me not to play with dolls. I liked both cars and dolls. Now of course I don't play with either cars or dolls, but if I were to choose, I would pick dolls.
I remember I told one guy in primary school that "I will have a sex change", when I was 10 or 11. I've always been much different than anyone. I feel like I have female movement of body, female smile, female thinking. I feel like this for a long time at least 6-7 years. In Poland, we have a fusty sex division - you're either a male or a female and you have to behave according to the rules of your sex. I was told "don't be a girl" many times. I felt bad about it.
In the upcoming years I was sometimes trying my mother's or sister's underwear or pantyhose - and I felt much good in it than in male clothes. I've been reading about transsexualism for about 6 or 7 years, so it's not a new topic for me. And now I feel very stuck. I feel like a woman and I don't want to be male. Recently I bought some female briefs, stockings and a bra. I feel much better in it than in male clothes, a much happier human. Though, I have to wear them when nobody's watching, because I would be offended very heavily, as my mother and sister are very toxic. My father died when I was 4.
Sometimes I visualize some sexual things after full SRS. Sometimes I had a feeling like I wanted to kiss some men. I am not a gay, to answer this in advance. Now I also realized that women do not attract me, that I was desperately looking for someone to fill in social criteria. Today I looked for about 10 seconds at one girl's nice breasts and I felt very jealous about them and I thought I'd like to have nice breasts. I am jealous and sad and frightened that I have to hide with who I really am. My real me. I am afraid that noone would accept me after transition. I don't know anyone who is transsexual, so I have noone to talk about it except this site.
I tried sex before with one girl, but after splitting up with her I didn't want to find anyone. In the meantime, since mid-april, I began to realize, that all of the things I had in my head my family and other people told me and I didn't come to them myself. I am different and I am happy about it.
I also filled in Cogiati Test with value of 270. I will visit the specialist about this topic in 2 months.
This is me. Call me "Lilianna" or "Lila", because this is the name I chose for myself. I don't want to talk about my male name.
Thank you, this is my story
