Or maybe I should call it
"In, Then Out, Then In Again, And Now Going Back Out, Tho Maybe Not All The Way. "

Yep, that sounds about right. Par for the course. It isn't like I changed my mind or anything like that. When I made my decision all those years ago (over 50 years now) to become the woman I am, it was the right one and I have never looked back. Not even the feared post-op depression I heard so much about caused me any panic. In fact, I honestly thought I had missed that. Everything just seemed to happen for a reason.
Oh, it was definitely right coming out the first time. I had been in so long it really hurt. Out was like being reborn. Even before GRS. After GRS, whoa, don't even try to hold me back. My entire life was now in focus. Still loving life as a woman.
This big thing happened. I won't say what, but with it came the biggest challenge of my life, even bigger than coming out. In order to hang onto that big thing, I would have to go back in again. I added it up; I already had GRS, was going along smoothly with HRT, and by then my business was starting to crash anyways.
So I made the announcement to my peers that I was going to reclaim my male heritage [I know, right?] and resume my life as a man. It would probably have been easier to crawl on my knees over broken glass than make that decision. But make it I did.
Do I regret going back in again? Only in so much as I quit HRT. So it has been over 15 years with no hormones in my system. That was a bad mistake. I will never be male again, but this is the role my life requires me to use for now. It is my survival.
There are some people who are in the know regarding me and my 'secret' identity, but I trust they are mature enough to not cause any trouble. And my trust has not been misplaced.
Am I coming back out? Yes, but maybe not all the way. I need HRT again, and after a 6 week trial with 'T', it is now apparent that was the wrong choice.
I am not concerned that I present to the world in mens clothing, it's who I am on the inside that makes the difference to me. I have some wiggle room here at the 'In'. Anyway, if things unfold as I expect them too, it won't be long till any more physical feminine changes are impossible to ignore. Maybe I will come back out all the way. Time will tell.
Apparently, osteoporosis is a stronger possibility now more than ever before since there are no hormones at all to guide my body, and since 'T' was a fail, it looks like 'E' will be my replacement hormone again. Groovy.
I started HRT in 1984, started transitioning in 1985, and went to Belgium in 1991 to have my GRS done at the capable hands of Dr Michel Seghers. He retired in 2001.
I am 62 years old now, definitely overweight and out of shape, and GRS from 25 years ago reminds me, everyday, what I did to be who I am. This decision provides the motivation to get busy and lose a bunch of that unhealthy fat around my belly. And I can love living with that, right or wrong. If you don't learn from your mistakes, you aren't paying attention. I was always lousy at paying attention...

We have a few member that have done what you have done though I don't think any of them reached the point of surgery. I started HRT in 1977 and had surgery in 1982 and the way I decided on surgery was the fact that I knew I could no longer live as a male. Because of bad advice I have been off HRT for 10 years and restarted not long ago. Osteoporosis is a danger that I was aware of when I went off HRT so I made sure my calcium and vitamin D where high enough to reduce the risk. A bone density scan is also a good idea and should there be a problem, there are medication that will help to prevent calcium loss. Perhaps some day we will learn the rest of the story because I can't think of anything important enough that I would risk my life by returning to the male role

 Hi Tanya;
In my early 30's after a painful divorce from my wife (she at first indicated she would stay with me even buying me clothes, then  rapidly  wanted me out of her life as she put it "I married a man as I wanted  PIV with a man not to be a lesbian). A year later I transitioned fully, on HRT  for quite a few years and lived full time as a woman in the United Kingdom for just a little over 2 years. I was  heading rapidly towards  full SRS, then I got outed at work,  coinciding with losing my CIS  female support network (2 best girlfriends moved jobs with one abroad) and I was forced through economic circumstances to de-transition to find work. Then my former self got headhunted to a very senior post in Australia. 30's years later on the death of my mother, the dysphoria returned with a vengeance and I tried to fight it, but  then realised transition again was the only option
Judith

Hello Dena

Thanks for your reply. I hear you, bad advice is everywhere and the best part is it's free!  That's why I always shy away from giving advice. You can only know if it's good or bad in hindsight.

I guess the de-transition after GRS was my fallback if my master plan failed. It did fail, but I was so miserable as a GM I had often thought of offing myself. Or stay so high an OD would have stopped the suffering. And things were not improving. The only logical solution was to get GRS. After that, all bets were off. GRS didn't solve all my problems, but it took a bunch of them out of my life. I was able to focus. No more desire to die. I didn't give much thought to stopping HRT, I simply drifted away from it after a few years.

Not that being male was too tuff, I learned a lot of guy stuff. In spite of that tho, I really hated being male. And I hated, hated living that double life. It was a real killer.

My life has never been risk free. Perhaps some would look at me as careless, but to get a little happiness in my neighborhood, I had to make it happen. The only support then was all pretty much on me, myself and I, us three.

When the big thing happened, I gave up living my life on my terms. Not my ideal arrangement, but doable.

The hormone part hopefully will be taken care of tomorrow when I see my GP again. The upside is I'm still here, and I plan to keep healthy as long as I can. I don't recommend my path to anyone.

You are right, there is so much more to it than that. And tho there really shouldn't be anything so important that it will make anyone return to playing male again, [I mean really, who would want to?] life can deal some pretty bad cards. You just have to play them as best as you can.

Tanya

Hello Judith Lynn

Thanks for sharing that, it's so good to know that I am not alone, that there are people out there, who for whatever reason, have led a similar life path.

Definitely not a first choice, and I bet you don't recommend that to anyone! I sure don't. I hope you finally get that SRS. Once you go there, you can never return, and isn't that the whole point? 

To use an overused cliché, sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

Tanya

Quote from: Tanya62 on August 12, 2016, 12:01:37 AM
Thanks for your reply. I hear you, bad advice is everywhere and the best part is it's free!  That's why I always shy away from giving advice. You can only know if it's good or bad in hindsight.

Problem was I paid good money for that advice. I started with an Endo but when he retired, my care was passed to another doctor who wasn't an Endo and didn't keep up on the latest information. I was on an outdated estrogen, under dosed and he feared cancer. I never had enough estrogen in my body to fully develop breast much less cancer as my after surgery levels would have been in the lower menopause range. Live and learn.

Wow, how are you supposed to make good decisions when the professionals you pay are wrong? That's a big deal. I hope you didn't stay with that endo too long.

Tanya

No, he wouldn't call me back with test results so I had to wait for  my next visit to find out my results. A lot can go wrong in 6 months, That was the start of my 10 years without HRT because I didn't have anybody to prescribe it. I didn't realize how much information is available about TG on the internet before I came to this site. I already had voice surgery and about 6 months ago I started getting my medical care worked out. All my care is by the book but being a moderator lets me see the information I need to know what my doctor is doing. If I find a doctor is doing something that's not in my best interest, I will find another. I know of two others in the area and with a little digging I am sure I could find a few more.

Hi!

Dena, you are amazing. Voice surgery sounds like a scary field. I'm thinking that everything went ok? I hope your Dr is a good one. If so, keep him, or her...  hmmm...  That is an invaluable ally to have f'sure. 

It's critical to double and even triple check facts and desired outcome to make sure it's the right thing at the right time, for you. Getting a good conversation going with a competent MD will give you 2 heads on the same page working on the most beneficial outcome. Double your fun.!

I finally had my visit with my GP. I have known this Dr for long time. It seems like it's been forever since I saw him last, but it was actually only about 3 months. I guess being in a kind of a small redneck place has at least one perk.

Any way, he has always been there for me in my decisions I made regarding my GRS, and that goes all the way back to the early 80's. We talked for about 15 minutes in his office when I saw him on Friday, and I knew exactly what I wanted to do. But still, it was hard to put things in perspective so I could actually make what I want to accomplish sound sensible; re-HRT. Well, during that conversation, things actually came out of my mouth right, and then went fairly smoothly.

Just because he is my Dr, it doesn't mean he keeps up to date on all things transsexual, and that includes all the effects hormones [or lack of them] have on a human body. If I hadn't mentioned hormones and osteoporosis, it might have gotten a little awkward getting the desired outcome, which of course was to go back on my feminizing/anti-osteoporosis regimen with HRT, which turns out to be Estradot estradiol patches, for now. But it all turned out ok.

No Testosterone, ever again!!!!!

Wow, voice surgery.  awesome...

Sincerely

Tanya

Information on voice surgery was how I found this site in the first place. If you want to read more about it, you can look at my voice thread. I suspect the voice samples have timed out but the doctors web site has two of my samples as the 64 year old voice.

I will, thanks. I am just now on the thread "Back on HRT after years off" and found your other link on the "ORMAL MALE & FEMALE REFERENCE LEVELS". I really need to catch up!  Thanks millions .


oops, should be "NORMAL MALE & FEMALE REFERENCE LEVELS"

Hi Judithlynn

I have read your post over and over again, and I see the similarities to my own life path. They pain me because of how close to home they really are. Not the details so much as the overall picture. My first wife ended up hating me, so that marriage ended a little over  3 years after it started. By the time the 70's were over, I was single again. Having been born in 1954, I was in my mid 20's. I didn't fully get it at the time what was going on, although I knew for a loooong time what I needed. I hid behind a lot of alcohol and street drugs, as a mask. I wasted a lot of time staying angry over something I actually had more control of than I could admit. I really didn't get it then and I really didn't know what else I could do.
Finally, when I was in my 30's, I started HRT. There were still quite a few bumps along the way, but, things got a lot smoother. I learned to focus more on external stuff, not so much on internal stuff.
Although I did get my GRS in '91, I transitioned back to GM self after about 5 years and 10 years of HRT. Now, I am evaluating and re-appreciating my reasons for going thru all that in those earlier years. I am finally finding my center, owning who I am, and Why. RE-starting HRT goes into my memory as one of the better decisions I could have made. It most definitely has a lasting place in my life. Thank you for sharing that with me.

I have a somewhat different tale of detransitioning. I found out I was an FTM in college and made attempts to start a social transition without hormones or surgery because I couldn't afford surgery and it was almost impossible to get hormones legally in my city at that time. I had some successes but my voice really gave me away and my face looked pretty feminine. I would wear really heavy clothes even when it was warm to obscure the shape of my body.

Eventually I basically detransitioned. I went back to wearing women's clothing because my hips spread and I put on fat in female places. While I knew I was trans, when I would tell others they didn't believe me. Sometimes I would get called "sir" because of my haircut and manner of dress so that pleased me.

I started to suffer from a serious mood disorder and went on mood stabilizing drugs. I guess it gave me some clarity because I made the decision to get top surgery, which I had had the money for for some time and I followed my psychologist's advice and got a consult for hormones. I am so grateful that I started HRT. It has made an enormous positive impact in my life. Top surgery wasn't too shabby either. I gained about two inches in one day! Nowadays when I get called "sir" people don't immediately take it back. I still get called ma'am a lot though (

I got rid of lots of women's clothes and I'm actually interested in getting dressed in the morning. I enjoy shopping for clothing now. I had gotten to a place where clothes were utterly functional and I kind of hated them.

All those years of living as a woman changed me socially and emotionally. I still fall on female vocal patterns when dealing with customers or talking on the phone. I've noticed that I am more monotone when I'm "being myself" at home. But after years of positive reinforcement for sounding like Suzie Customer Service it's hard to break that habit. I also became a big feminist along the way, which I'm glad for. It's sometimes hard to relate to being a guy because I missed out on so many experiences that guys share. I had a girlhood not a boyhood, even though I never related to being a woman per se. I was playing a role and I felt like a fake when I was taken for one of the cis girls.

It's a lot easier to come out and transition now. Better late than never.

so far i lost about 10 pounds of ugly fat. that's a start.

Let's see how long it takes for anyone to notice my flesh colored mustache is gone, shall we? Or even to say anything about it... hehe

Little mustache has been gone for 18 days now, and either nobody noticed or they are just trying to be nice and not say anything. Even Love of my live hasn't said anything. Not really surprising. My 5 oclock shadow usually doesn't appear till around Tuesday, and it's still flesh colored. Shoot, I can go nearly 14 days before anyone notices there's some hair on my chinny chin chin.

And my boobies are starting to get firmer again too. yay!