So, I dilated by myself, and was able to get myself to full depth. As usual, the last inch was the hard part, but after some jiggling it went in the rest of the way.

I'll admit, I kind of hate that tiny little wax "#0" dilator they've had me using for the first 2 days. It's so small that it clearly doesn't take up the whole vaginal cavity, and when it gets to the back wall, it exerts a really sharp localized pressure back there because it's so small, so it feels like being poked by a stick in the back of the vagina for 20 minutes straight. Not pleasant. I'm actually looking forward to moving up to the real ones, because they hypothetically won't exert that kind of small-area poking pressure and hopefully be less unpleasant.

But whatever. I got to 6 inches on my own, I was bored for 20 minutes because the localized pressure made it hard to concentrate on anything to distract myself with, mission accomplished, yipee...

Carrie Liz, thank you so much for your updates. I may now become a Chett girl. What is the waiting list like?  Sensitivity and depth are the most important things for me and I am so glad that you are happy. Just imagine the fun you can have in the future 

Love Jools x

Quote from: juliehope on August 18, 2016, 01:07:01 PM
Carrie Liz, thank you so much for your updates. I may now become a Chett girl. What is the waiting list like?  Sensitivity and depth are the most important things for me and I am so glad that you are happy. Just imagine the fun you can have in the future 

Love Jools x

I would also love to know the waiting time before he will schedule. Thank you Carrie, keep us updated.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on August 18, 2016, 10:17:48 AM
So, I dilated by myself, and was able to get myself to full depth. As usual, the last inch was the hard part, but after some jiggling it went in the rest of the way.

I'll admit, I kind of hate that tiny little wax "#0" dilator they've had me using for the first 2 days. It's so small that it clearly doesn't take up the whole vaginal cavity, and when it gets to the back wall, it exerts a really sharp localized pressure back there because it's so small, so it feels like being poked by a stick in the back of the vagina for 20 minutes straight. Not pleasant. I'm actually looking forward to moving up to the real ones, because they hypothetically won't exert that kind of small-area poking pressure and hopefully be less unpleasant.

But whatever. I got to 6 inches on my own, I was bored for 20 minutes because the localized pressure made it hard to concentrate on anything to distract myself with, mission accomplished, yipee...

Yay to 6inches on your own

Quote from: Carrie Liz on August 18, 2016, 01:03:22 AM

SRS can make a big difference in how feminine your overall body looks to yourself.


I think one of the reasons why I'm so elated is because of being able to see the "complete picture" for the first time.

So here's the deal.

Based on my daily life experience, I'm generally not read as trans. I'm not out to most people I work with, nobody ever seems to notice I'm trans, I'm never misgendered. But I often have a lot of trouble seeing it myself. There was always something, and I couldn't put my finger on what, that made my body look androgynous to me, as though it was teetering on the edge of looking either male or female depending on whether my hair looked good that day or what clothes I was wearing, which I felt like for some reason I was the only person who could see it, because absolutely everyone else always gendered me female no matter what. Even when I wore male clothes and tried to pass as my pre-transition self in order to vote (my name wasn't changed on my voting records,) I was still gendered female. But again, I just can't see it. So I really did wonder, with the "Gender An Ethnomethodological Approach" study in mind, was there a chance that it was because I knew I had a penis but nobody else did? Was it because that single male-signifying feature was counterbalancing the feminine features of my body to such a degree when I looked in the mirror that I couldn't see how feminine the rest of my body was?

I feel like I've got my answer now. Yes.


But surgery helps. This morning, looking in the mirror at myself completely naked, I noticed things that I never noticed before because the penis was subconsciously "masculinizing" my body as a whole in my mental image. I have hips. I have boobs. My shoulders are nowhere near as wide-looking as I thought they were. I have a feminine waist shape. And when I looked in that mirror, there was absolutely NONE of that "my body looks androgynous" feeling that I had before. I saw a woman. Completely. Nobody looking at me could ever say otherwise, even though I am still objectively large framed.


(Again, though, disclaimer, I've always had strong genital dysphoria. So to me, this was a BIG deal in terms of finally having the body I've always wanted, so that's probably also why it's made such a big difference in how I see myself and how I relate to my body on a fundamental level.)

This is spot on for me also!

I have integrated into society as a woman even more than I ever could dream of, even in very intimate situations with woman or men. (intimate not specifically meaning sexual, but that also has been the case) after all no one knows what's in between your legs, unless it does involve sexual intimacy. I have become very accustomed to just living how I have for the past 9 years, I always dreamed of GRS but figured it would never happen. I dwelled more on the physical traits such as my hair and breasts. I am happy with what I got but I figured bigger would just confirm me even more. I still have some of this feeling, reason for BA along with GRS. But my BA was not my first choice and it still may not happen if a few things don't pan out. I will be disappointed but I look at my BA as a want and my GRS is definitely a NEED!

I often think what will really change? I now will just be at home alone on a Friday night with a vagina rather than a penis. I know though that this will be the start of my life. I am somewhat social now but know I will be even more once I accept the fact I am like all woman now. Because I will now know what is in between my legs! You are absolutely correct CarrieLiz, the negativity we feel for ourselves is so much more mental than physical, but its the physical that needs to change to make the mental picture correct!

I will admit one of the biggest reasons I look forward to having the right parts is sexual. It has been far too long! I have been pursued by many men, and have been intimate up to the point of sex with more man now than I have ever woman. I don't plan on jumping into bed right away with just anyone, but it sure would be nice to on a 3rd or 4th date! Or who knows, if he is hot, well....

Well, this was completely unexpected, but I'm officially orgasmic.

I just had this weird dream where my mom and I were Disney World, but for some reason it was like the Thai part of Disney world that's out in the parking lot where you can get Thai food, near the big transport area where you catch the train back to your car (which completely does not exist, but dream logic...) And there was a scene where I went into the bathroom and for some reason instead of SRS I'd had this half-penectomy where the stub was still erect but otherwise everything was smooth, and it was the weirdest thing, and for some stupid unknown reason my brain registered sexual feelings, and then all of a sudden I woke up and I was orgasming.

So, well... that was unexpected. And that dream COMPLETELY made no sense. But it happened. So yeah, big surprise, the hypersensitive clitoris that was bothering me all day yesterday is definitely functional for its intended purpose. (Side note: do NOT play with it during the initial recovery. There's the serious potential for damage if you play with things down there while they're still healing. This was a dream. This was completely my mind deciding to run away with me (and the mind is the body's real sexual organ, not the actual sexual organs,) so no actual touching was involved.)


I would say this was an amazing super-positive experience, but the thing is, that dream was REALLY weird, and did strange things to my internal mental map of my body for a few minutes after waking up, so there's more that I need to talk about.

Basically, I think dreams like this happen because my brain is lagging behind the reality of my body a bit, and I think it's still taking a while to fully internalize everything and fully catch up. Because I've had some dreams that have been a bit backwards in regards to how my body is shaped. This was one of them.

Basically, in the first few days after waking up from surgery, I had three dreams where I was going in to surgery in the dream. But in all three of those dreams, for whatever reason, I wasn't able to actually get the surgery. Something kept happening, or it kept turning out that I had more loopholes to jump through, or there was some sort of error that kept it from happening, and when I woke back up to my actual reality of being post-op it was such a relief. So I suppose that period of dreams was my mind getting past that mental barrier of disbelief that built up for me because I was just so sure that something was going to happen to prevent it, whether that thing was fighting with work to get FMLA, or the whole possible-UTI thing, or Mom not being able to get time off, or certain naysaying friends, whatever. Because of all of that, it was almost like my mind needed some time to internalize that YES, it actually did happen, there were no loopholes, no last-minute disasters, nothing happened, I really did have surgery.

So now with this dream, I think it's my mind's mental map of my body trying to catch up now that I've seen how it looks without the packing and feeling is starting to come back. Basically, in this dream I was kind of in a half-surgical state, as I mentioned. It was like, in the dream I didn't have a penis or testes, but it wasn't SRS, my brain still had everything organized as if they'd just been chopped off at the base rather than reformed into a vulva. And it wasn't a negative experience in the dream, it was a positive for me, I remember thinking "wow, it's so smooth! They did such a good job!" But it's weird, because in the dream I was feeling everything halfway back to that original position, with an "erection" happening in the stump of the penis rather than in the clitoris, I woke up feeling a sort of "phantom" feeling just like I had when I first woke up from surgery.

Now, in terms of phantom sensations, I've barely had any. Usually what I've felt isn't a physical sensation like phantom sensations are, where I can feel a part that's not there, or like a certain nerve feels like it should be somewhere else. But when I first woke up from surgery and everything was still completely numb, I could still remember in my brain's mental map what it had felt like to have my prior anatomy. That feeling quickly faded as soon as sensation started returning and I started being able to physically feel what my post-op anatomy felt like. Well, after this dream, it was just like that feeling when I'd first woken up. It's like "woah, from the mental space that I just came from I still had everything organized in this way, but now it's back to being organized in this way," and like there's this residual mental map from the dream that took a few minutes to go away. So, like, when I woke up this morning I remembered what it felt like to have a penis again because I'd just been touching the stump of a penis in my dream. So yeah, REALLY weird.

Especially weird since in my everyday life now, my new anatomy already feels ordinary, completely normal, as though I'd always had it.

Anyway, kinda bizarre entry, but I promised to be honest, so there you go.

Quote from: juliehope on August 18, 2016, 01:07:01 PM
What is the waiting list like?

3-6 months. I personally scheduled about 9 months ahead because I needed a very specific date for it to work with my mom's work schedule.

The short waiting list is one of the reasons why I picked him, because I really didn't want to wait a year or more for Suporn and some of the other widely-regarded top-level surgeons.

(The thing is, I really feel like Chett has some unfairly bad reputation rumors circulating about him. There's that entire website "Dr. Chettawut Victims" and an entire Youtube channel devoted to making him seem like someone who mutilates people and botches surgeries, and those are basically the first thing that anyone would see when googling him, so I feel like it turns a lot of people away (unfairly) almost instantly. And even among those who know that this negativity is basically one troll trying to take him down, there's rumors about him making clitorises that are too big, (which in case it's not obvious even I believed,) and a few others.

(There are some legitimate complaints about his practice of combining FFS and SRS into one marathon 10+-hour surgery, but I didn't have that nor did anyone I know, so I can't comment.)

Now, absolutely, different surgeons produce different results, so do your research and make sure you're not just rushing into it based on one person being happy. One of the reasons I picked Chett was because I personally liked his results pictures that I saw from the big SRS gallery on Anne Lawrence's website (which has since been taken down,) specifically because I liked the way he shapes the inner/outer labia, plus I'd heard multiple accounts that his sensation was world-class, as good as Suporn, (that one is definitely true, 10/10, even though I'm still only about at a 6-7/10 on the overall aesthetic results in their current swollen state, I'm hoping the swelling settles the outside down more to make the vulva look less vagina-centric,) so I felt like I knew exactly what I was getting into. And I've been comparing my recovery pics to recovery pics from Brassard and Suporn, and there are a lot of differences in regards to where the stitches are, how much blood there is, how prominent the inner and outer labia are, and even where the urethra is in terms of visibility. So there are differences. Just make sure you study first.

So, elaborating quickly on the "comparing my results to other surgeons' patients' recovery pictures" thing...

The first comparison that I have is with a close trans friend who had SRS with Brassard just over 2 years ago. The just-after-packing-removed pictures, in terms of how the internal anatomy is shaped, are almost exactly the same as mine. Everything is swollen, the clitoral area is at the top, and then the entire anatomy looks like it's being pulled down into the vagina, with the catheter coming out from somewhere down there. The only real difference is that everything is a lot smaller in her case, I've got a lot more loose material around the inside, my inner labia is way more prominent while her outer labia is more prominent, and she had a LOT more blood. Brassard spatulates the urethra for the inside of the labia, that's kind of his thing, so things are REALLY raw and REALLY painful for a long time after surgery, but as a result in the final results the inside of the labia looks redder and more mucosal in nature.

Second comparison is with another Brassard patient, pretty much same thing, prominent outer labia, everything kinda pulled into the vagina just like mine, although she had a super-prominent urethra that the catheter was coming out of, and WAY WAY more blood and swelling and just generally looking gruesome. (Although her final results look AMAZING! Wow!)

Third comparison is with a Suporn patient, and it looks WAY different. This Suporn patient has a super-prominent super-well defined outer and inner labial structure despite being only a few days post-op. On this person, you can see the inner labia going all the way down from the clitoris past the vagina. On mine you can't yet, basically there's a well-definined clitoral hood at the top, some loose well-defined labial material around the outside of that clitoral hood, it goes down for a while, but then everything just kind of falls into the vagina with some more loose labial material on the sides.

Anyway, yeah, different results from different surgeons.

Just had my daily nurse visit, so I got to ask about the clitoral hypersensitivity (which has calmed down significantly since yesterday, thankfully, but I still figured I'd ask.) And as with most things I've asked about, it's normal. She told me that hypersensitivity is normal, a feeling of constant pressure on that area is normal, and even though I've never asked her about this, she said that sudden sharp pains which last for a few seconds, particularly in that area, are normal. It's all a part of the nerves reconnecting and re-adjusting to their new positions, and it will subside as time goes on.

Also, what I said above about "everything just kind of falls into the vagina from there," that's now changing. Swelling has gone WAY down over the last couple of days since the last time I took a good look, and the part of the vulva underneath the clitoral hood, between the clitoris and the urethra, is starting to pop out a bit more now that the swelling has made the outer labia area settle down a bit. And I have to say, in my opinion, it looks so beautiful. I'm still super-happy.


In terms of how I'm feeling, I'm not sure if you've noticed this in my posts or not, but the period of elation that I had right after surgery has quieted down a bit. Back when everything was still completely new and completely exciting because I was comparing it to before and it was basically everything that I'd ever wished for in my pre-op state, my expectations were blown away, etc, I was practically crying because I was so happy... well, now, especially for the past few days, things are settling down a bit. Things aren't so new and exciting anymore, they're already starting to feel normal. Dilation feels normal. Looking down and seeing a vagina feels normal. I'm still super-happy, don't get me wrong, but more in a contented "my body on a boring normal day-to-day basis feels right" kind of way, not in an "OMIGOD I HAVE A VAGINA AND IT'S AMAZING!" kind of way. Elation doesn't last. And it's not supposed to. And I'm totally happy with that, because I still feel great.

Anyway, I've talked enough for one morning. As a final wrap-up, today's the first day that I'm doing 3X-per-day dilations of 30 minutes each, so 90 minutes of dilation total. I'm kind of bummed because I found out that we're not going to be using the actual #1 dilator for a few more days, for the first week all of the dilations are going to be with that tiny little poking-the-back-of-your-vagina-with-a-stick wax dilator, but it's not like it's painful or anything, just annoying. I had much less trouble getting the dilator to full depth this morning, after three times doing it I've become much better at it, and can do it with much less discomfort, so as a whole everything's moving right along, and, well, that's that for the day. Time for more video games, Netflix, a lot of acquaintances messaging me on Facebook because they're constantly checking up on how I'm doing, and dilating... lots of dilating...

Okay, one last thing...

I did also have a trachea shave in addition to SRS, and so far I haven't said anything about how that's going, so I'll do that.

Basically, the recovery from that has been anything but euphoric. When I woke up from surgery, my neck actually hurt worse than my genitals. This feeling quickly subsided, but yeah, having bone shaved off definitely hurts pretty sharply from the very start.

I had almost no voice immediately after surgery. I could only speak a few words to the nurses at first. It improved quickly over the first day, but was still very hushed and raspy by the time my mom visited me for the first time in the recovery center.

Swallowing was painful for the first several days after surgery.

Also, I kind of freaked out about it when I first woke up because my neck actually felt worse than before. There was so much swelling that my neck stuck out more than it did before, and there was this huge lump in the top of my throat every single time I swallowed for the first 6 days or so. I could feel that the thyroid cartilage was gone, but at the same time the swelling was so bad that it really made me freak out, I was terrified that some degree of the swelling and the swallowing-bump was going to be permanent. (And the initial few days of neck recovery actually made me rethink FFS, because God, if one little neck bump made me freak out that much, I can't imagine how freaked out I'd be if my entire face was that swollen and objectively disfigured-looking right after surgery.)

Since then, it's been slow improvement, I had pretty much my full speaking capacity back by about day 3, but it was still a bit raspy and still a bit deep, and it's basically been a slow gradual recovery. Swelling has gradually gone down, voice has slowly gotten stronger, pitch control has been the slowest to come back, I've had a lot of trouble speaking in my trained voice with the same strength and ease and control as before.

Now 10 days after surgery, most of the swelling in the neck is gone, there's only a small little bump left directly below the incision site, and it's gotten smaller and smaller every day. (I was terrified that this was never going to go away, and that I was still going to have a neck bump once it was healed, that's another thing I asked the nurses about a couple days ago was "can you feel this hard lump right here under my neck stitches? Will that go away?" And they reassured me, as they always do, that yes, it's temporary, it will go away, the final result will be flat.)

I'm still not quite back to my pre-op pitch, though. I just recorded my voice on Audacity, and it still sounds about a half-tone lower than before. The inflections and overall resonance is still the same, so absolutely nobody else would be able to tell the difference, and it still objectively sounds like a female voice (just with a slightly more androgynous pitch,) so I'm still holding out on that and hoping that I completely recover my original speaking pitch. Strength is still returning. I tried to sing some of my favorite songs, and had trouble reaching the high notes, my voice petered out in terms of strength up there. (It takes a lot of vocal strength to reach high notes.) So again, they've assured me everything will heal, strength and pitch will return, and honestly of all the things going on right now in terms of recovery, my voice is the thing I'm the most nervous about, and really really really really hoping that they're right.

Carrie Liz, thank you so much for your informative and personal updates on your GCS.

I hope that things continue to go well (and that the voice returns in full flow!)

One more quick thing...

Hormonally, things finally feel back to normal now. I feel a million times better than I did in terms of the hormonal balance of my brain and body than I did before surgery. After a week straight of T very clearly coming back due to being off of T-blockers, which resulted in short patience/temper, skin looking more guyish, hair falling out everywhere, eyes losing a bit of their big starry-eyed feminine look, a few facial hairs sprouting back up, erections and genital size in general becoming more of an issue for the first time in 3+ years, and a loss of that general "calm glow" feeling in favor of a sort of constant-low-key-irritation feeling, I'm back to feeling balanced. My skin looks better again. My moods feel calm again. My eyes and skin have the feminine glow back. I'm not shedding an entire shag carpet of hair from my head every time I take a shower. And my patience and tolerance levels have gone WAY back up.

So I think my T levels are finally back down to the female range. And it's a big relief to know that I survived my last bout with testosterone, and now I'm never going to be forced to deal with that crap again. Because seriously, that was NOT a fun week emotionally before surgery. I'm so glad to be feeling calm and patient and generally feeling in control again.

(I don't go back on estrogen for another couple of weeks, but honestly I don't think my body cares too much. E is my happy pill, but not having it doesn't really cause me any dysphoria. Whereas having no T is a huge deal, no T is my patient, calm, anti-frustration anti-dysphoria formula. So the main point is that my hormonal dysphoria is gone again.)

Quote from: Carrie Liz on August 18, 2016, 08:16:09 PM
the Thai part of Disney world that's out in the parking lot where you can get Thai food, near the big transport area where you catch the train back to your car (which completely does not exist, but dream logic...)

I know that place! I love that place and visit all the time   (Even my friends and SO say it's true).

It is great to hear how well you are coming along. How everything seems to be calming down and becoming common(swelling, dilation, "the shave", the items you got in exchange of the wrong ones and the hormones). I hope everything continues to go smoothly.

Warmly,

Joanna

Ive just been reading, congrats =) I had SRS with Suporn 34 days ago and went through a lot of the same feelings... Its finally GONE, its beautiful, I had O on waking at 11 days post op =), I could feel it when the T was gone for good and thats still one of the best parts of it all to me, and then theres the dilation... I can tell you dilation is different here, we started off with the "medium" 32mm for about a week then I added the "large" 34mm and thats where Ive been since... Dilation started off being easy but it's getting harder and harder as things heal up... I was told the 2nd and third month will be the most difficult... I go 3 times a day for as long as it takes to get to depth (6 1/2") then about 15 minutes with the medium and 10 minutes with the large...

I have a lot of PAIN =( I usually heal fast and that seems to be the case here but I DONT do pain well... This has been hard as the nerves all reconnect... I had some superficial necrosis on my clit and the inner labia thats healing but WOW does it suck... I have to put a silver burn cream on it and that can add a whole new degree of pain right there... The skin is sloughing off on its own leaving raw new granulation underneath... Its been the worst part here so far but I figure its probably good that it hurts and is so uncomfortable because it means everything is still hooked up right and its just the outer layer of skin and not a lot worse... Suporn said it would heal on its own and its been going exactly how he said it would so thats good... This took about 2 weeks post op to start to become an issue for me after initially thinking everything was perfect =(

I hope things continue to be smooth and pain free for you but you may want to prepare yourself mentally for some hard days ahead... Good Luck!!!

Quote from: Carrie Liz on August 18, 2016, 11:41:15 PM
Just had my daily nurse visit, so I got to ask about the clitoral hypersensitivity (which has calmed down significantly since yesterday, thankfully, but I still figured I'd ask.) And as with most things I've asked about, it's normal. She told me that hypersensitivity is normal, a feeling of constant pressure on that area is normal, and even though I've never asked her about this, she said that sudden sharp pains which last for a few seconds, particularly in that area, are normal. It's all a part of the nerves reconnecting and re-adjusting to their new positions, and it will subside as time goes on.

Also, what I said above about "everything just kind of falls into the vagina from there," that's now changing. Swelling has gone WAY down over the last couple of days since the last time I took a good look, and the part of the vulva underneath the clitoral hood, between the clitoris and the urethra, is starting to pop out a bit more now that the swelling has made the outer labia area settle down a bit. And I have to say, in my opinion, it looks so beautiful. I'm still super-happy.


In terms of how I'm feeling, I'm not sure if you've noticed this in my posts or not, but the period of elation that I had right after surgery has quieted down a bit. Back when everything was still completely new and completely exciting because I was comparing it to before and it was basically everything that I'd ever wished for in my pre-op state, my expectations were blown away, etc, I was practically crying because I was so happy... well, now, especially for the past few days, things are settling down a bit. Things aren't so new and exciting anymore, they're already starting to feel normal. Dilation feels normal. Looking down and seeing a vagina feels normal. I'm still super-happy, don't get me wrong, but more in a contented "my body on a boring normal day-to-day basis feels right" kind of way, not in an "OMIGOD I HAVE A VAGINA AND IT'S AMAZING!" kind of way. Elation doesn't last. And it's not supposed to. And I'm totally happy with that, because I still feel great.

Anyway, I've talked enough for one morning. As a final wrap-up, today's the first day that I'm doing 3X-per-day dilations of 30 minutes each, so 90 minutes of dilation total. I'm kind of bummed because I found out that we're not going to be using the actual #1 dilator for a few more days, for the first week all of the dilations are going to be with that tiny little poking-the-back-of-your-vagina-with-a-stick wax dilator, but it's not like it's painful or anything, just annoying. I had much less trouble getting the dilator to full depth this morning, after three times doing it I've become much better at it, and can do it with much less discomfort, so as a whole everything's moving right along, and, well, that's that for the day. Time for more video games, Netflix, a lot of acquaintances messaging me on Facebook because they're constantly checking up on how I'm doing, and dilating... lots of dilating...

This is actually interesting. I never got to use #0. It was #1 from day zero. I wonder why?

Quote from: IWentWithChet on August 19, 2016, 11:13:24 AM
This is actually interesting. I never got to use #0. It was #1 from day zero. I wonder why?

you were prolly used and abused alreadt LOL im KIDDING!!! dont ban me

i want to know why as well

Quote from: IWentWithChet on August 19, 2016, 11:13:24 AM
This is actually interesting. I never got to use #0. It was #1 from day zero. I wonder why?

Could be because I'm staying in Thailand after surgery a lot longer than you did, so you were on a more rushed schedule or something, while they're taking it easier with me...

(I'm in Thailand for almost an entire month after surgery. My surgery date was on August 9th but I don't fly back to America until the 3rd of September. If I recall correctly, you were only in Thailand for like 2.5 weeks after surgery, from July 26 to August 14.)

Congratulations Carrie Liz! I've been reading your posts for a long time and it's very nice to see you reach this point after all the hurdles you've been though.


I wish you all the best!

So, last night when I was dilating I was kinda in a "sigh... really? third time today? Can't this just be done?" sort of mood, so I think I might have been a little careless, and almost as soon as I took the dilator out I could tell that something didn't feel quite right, somewhere on the inside it felt like I had hit something in the wrong way.

I'm having a really hard time keeping the wax dilators straight, it seems like every single time I dilate with them they emerge from my vagina with like a 10-degree bend in the middle. I already snapped one dilator in half by mistake because I tried to bend it back with my hands afterward, so the nurse gave me another one and said "If it bends, don't try to unbend it." Again, these dilators are made of wax, so when they get warm from your body heat, they become pliable, and therefore they bend. And after the nurse gave me a new "#0" dilator and I did my afternoon dilation, it emerged yet again bent at like a 10-degree angle. (I assumed at the time that it was my fault for doing this because when I apply pressure to the end of the dilator often the pressure is slightly upward, so I thought it was my own technique error that was bending it.) So during my nighttime dilation, I figured since I couldn't bend it back with my hands without breaking it, I'd just insert the dilator upside-down and assert the same upward pressure as before in order to bend it back to being straight.

Again, as soon as I was done I knew that something was hurt a bit, something felt a bit sensitive and "off."

Well, this morning I woke up and there was a little bit of blood as I was wiping the area clean during a bathroom trip.

Morning dilation wasn't painful, so I figured it was nothing major, figured I'd ask the nurse. She came this morning and I told her I'd had some blood, she poked around on the inside, and informed me that it was because I'd hit my urethra with the dilator. (Which apparently is going to take a while to heal, so, freaking great... :/ ) I'm not sure if it was because I was in a hurry last night, or because of that thing where I turned the dilator's bend upside-down and tried to unbend it which would have made it scrape the top, but she basically told me, "make sure you insert it down at a 45-degree angle first," which I am going to remember today, and also "the dilator bends because the shape of the vagina isn't straight. So it will bend like that. Keep using it bent, because that's what the shape is supposed to be, and then if it breaks, here's another one." And she gave me yet another #0 wax dilator to replace the one I broke and the one which is currently still bent and hopefully won't bend anymore during today's dilation.

Anyway, I guess that explains why my urethra's been so sore, and so jolty with "ow!" pain every single time the catheter moves the wrong way.

(And I did find out that I'll be getting the catheter out on Wednesday... thank goodness... I'm so sick of peeing using an external artificial plastic bladder that I have to carry with me everywhere.)

Mood's still mostly in the same place as yesterday. Not elated anymore, still pretty happy and "wow" when I look down and see a completely stereotypically-female body, though, but also kinda slogging through the persistent minor pains and annoyances and swelling and catheterization and general tedium of recovery.

I need to talk about something less happy for a moment. Because recovery isn't all happiness and sunshine and everything is right in trans world.

I sort of had a breakdown this afternoon.

It wasn't because of my surgery recovery, which is still just mostly boring.

It's because I met my neighbor.



TRIGGER WARNING. BIG TRIGGER WARNING. LOTS OF BAD PAST MEMORIES AND SELF-HATRED AHEAD...



She's a trans girl from Australia who also just had surgery with Dr. Chett just a couple of weeks ago. She was getting bored from the monotony of recovery, "I ran out of series to watch" she said, so she asked the nurse if there were any other Chett patients around that she could talk to, and, well, it turns out we're on the same floor. So she visited me this afternoon, and we talked for a while.

Beautiful trans women make me dysphoric. They make me feel inadequate. When I feel like they're so beautiful that it's not even fair, specifically when those things involve a thick full head of hair, a feminine face, other body parts that are objectively "normal" compared to cis women, and the super-smooth completely-clear creamy skin texture that cis girls have but I don't have, it's hard for me. They make me feel fundamentally broken. They make me look at myself, and look at how I still feel like I barely "pass" as a woman while they're so very clearly ideally feminine, it gets hard for me.

She didn't just have SRS. She also had facial feminization surgery and breast augmentation at the same time, in a 10+-hour marathon surgery that she said didn't get over until almost 4 a.m. She saved up for these surgeries in only a few months, she's only been on hormones and socially transitioned since December, and once she gets back home she'll be moving and likely going stealth. She showed me her pre-transition photos and she basically looked so androgynous and feminine that she always got to play around with gender and got to socially experiment for a long time, have fun with queer culture and the LGBT community before settling on transition at age 22/23 and getting the ball rolling on almost everything immediately. And she sat feminine, and her mannerisms were perfectly maidenly and feminine.

It was hard for me to not hate myself. I never got that freedom. As soon as puberty hit me, I felt like Pinocchio turning into a donkey. I looked so masculine, so big, so unfixably male, that I never had ANY hope of ever expressing femininity or androgyny and getting that kind of freedom with it. I knew I was trans and cried myself to sleep every night wishing I was a girl from age 13 onward, but I felt like there was nothing I could ever do about it. If I transitioned, I thought for so long, I'd never be rid of my big neck or my wide shoulders, my skin would never be that delicate soft skin that I was so jealous of girls having, the feminine clothes that I wished I could wear would never look right on me, I'd never be anything but a freak. Every time I tried to express any femininity I was teased and called "gay" and mocked by my peers. I repressed myself for 14 years due to those fears, feeling like I was being denied my very existence. And once I finally learned that transition really was possible, and got on hormones and started transitioning, it took me a year and a half of hormones, and being fired from two jobs, to transition socially. I didn't pass at first. I was teased, scoffed at, stared at, thought I was never going to get another job as long as I lived, and cried myself to sleep about how I was still never going to look like a woman, and asked "why would anyone want to hire a freak like me when they have all these normal people?" And then when I finally did get a job, it took me 2 years to finally save up the money just to have SRS.

So, well, it was really hard for me to be sitting next to a girl who always got to experiment with gender, socially transitioned and passed almost right away, and was able to get SRS, FFS, and a BA only 9 months after doing so.

And me being curious about the recovery from FFS and BA because maybe those things are in my future, she showed me what her immediately-post-op forehead scar looked like, and what the implants looked like, and, well, it was hard. It's always hard for me, someone who still feels in so many ways that my body is inadequate, that it's mostly feminine, at least enough to be passable, but it's not REALLY a female body, "real" female bodies all have softer skin than me, and fully-grown boobs, and completely-female faces... seeing fully-developed breasts and a completely-female-looking face was hard. Really hard. She even showed me what she called her "parlor trick," being able to lactate.

I started getting down on myself.

There's just so many ways that I hold myself back in terms of clothing and self-expression because I'm so scared that I'm not "female enough," that if I did things like wear a skirt or try to even have feminine interests, people would just laugh at me. That haunting "man in a dress" label follows me, whispering in my ear, wherever I go, and it's inescapable. I just wanted to be done like her so bad. I want to look in the mirror and see a completely-cisnormative face so bad, one that I never have to worry whether it looks androgynous or guyish or not. And I want to have normal-looking breasts so bad... it just spiraled, and I started having a breakdown. (She reassured me that I look feminine, just like everyone does, but no amount of reassurance stops me once I start dwelling on all of the ways that I feel "lesser" than other women.)

I locked myself in the bathroom, and started crying. It took me a couple of minutes.

And then the feeling slowly passed, but things like this never completely go away. It's the dysphoria bug. It haunts me. It always makes me feel unworthy and "lesser" and makes me afraid that every single person is laughing at me.

And then the stupidest thing happened. I was jealous of her ability to lactate. A lot of trans women report that hormones makes it happen, because Spiro sends their levels of prolactin up. I never did. Seeing her do it, in the midst of my breakdown, made me desperate to try. When I started doing the motion, I expected it to not work, I expected it to be something that would let me prove that I had a reason to hate myself because I was lesser, less functional, less of a woman, but then it actually worked. I'll be damned.

I took a shower, and I'm mostly back to feeling okay now. I just wish transition had been easier for me. And I wish I could actually feel completely done, and finally feel like a normal woman, someone who looks in the mirror and my body looks normal, not "do I pass or not?"

Anyway, spiel over. Dysphoria still happens.