Touche. Thank you for your concern and having the good sense to politely call me out on this one. I don't want to steal Dawn's thunder in this post--I am so happy for her, brought me nearly to tears. A Debbie Downer not needed here!
I also congratulate you on your success with your kids.
Perhaps my concerns are not rational and more emotionally charged than I can handle. at present. Perhaps it is mostly projection of my own guilt and insecurity onto my adult kids rather than owning up to it myself.
I am sure my kids have no idea about any of this as I played the traditional dad/husband role, and now grand dad role (also a 17 month-old grandson) quite well. The irony is they think I am nearly emotionless, tending to be the logical rock and problem solver of the family, something that was a learned behavior and discipline developed in my 20's and early 30's during my graduate education. Little do they know. Under this veneer is a very carefully guarded emotional feminine entity that in many ways they would not recognize.
I am quite sure my wife would not tolerate transition, an end to my marriage would be certain. She, too, knows nothing of my gender predicament. Curiously, she often complains I am not emotional enough, has accused me of being "Spock," quipping "why don't you get upset like normal people?" All of this became a compensatory mechanism to submerge the feminine, creating the hypermasculine exterior. She would welcome a more emotional me but not in the form of a woman replacing her masculine husband.
I am sure you are right about the kids. They would not cut off contact with me or hate me. They are well educated, thoughtful adults and would make every effort to understand my problems. On this basis, I am overestimating the threat and resulting fear is probably out of proportion to the apparent threat.
Here's the problem I face: I don't think I could face them with this truth. I lied to them presenting a false facade of masulinity throughout their entire lives. I have this image in my head of standing before them presenting as a woman, not able to look them straight in the eyes, feeling the sense of betrayal of their trust, deeply ashamed. I can vividly see the shock and hurt on their faces, the result of my dishonesty over my gender over decades of their lives. This would be the same dynamic with my wife.
The prevailing mindset in my extended family has been demonstrated again and again in commentary about friends or even other family members who have had extramarital affairs or ended up in divorce, disrupting an otherwise happy,stable family structure. I can hear the comments: "Is it so important to dress and act like a woman that you would give up all you have with us [wife, kids, family]?" missing the point that this is not about crossdressing. It is about living authentically as a woman not like a woman.
I value protecting my wife and kids from this disappointment and knowledge of this betrayal of trust over my own happiness and pursuit of gender expression. Alternatively, you might say right now I am not strong enough, not in sufficient pain yet, not desperate enough to do the hard relationship work to make transition happen.
This makes me very sad in the sense that I don't currently see a path forward toward relief of my dysphoria. I am looking for therapist now, hoping I can work through these issues.
Thanks
