I got my first signature for top surgery today. I've wanted top surgery since I first heard about it (maybe 2011?) and I feel my chest is completely alien to me. My chest dysphoria is pretty bad and has made dating/sex more difficult and it's getting worse now I'm on T...

I should feel super excited, right? I get my second signature in just over three weeks and I may be having top surgery in winter/spring time. I actually have very mixed feelings... I mean I actually cannot imagine living the rest of my life in the body I have, but the idea of surgery is so scary---

• Being immobile and healing and having to rely on other people for a bit... That and getting to and from the hospital. I feel great shame in being helpless this way.
• I know it sounds bad, but I kind of resent that I am having to go to these lengths to feel OK about my body. I don't know why I can't just accept myself and you know, be one of those guys who don't feel the need for surgery or binding
• I am worried it will look awful, or I will not be able to connect with my new looking chest at all. I am six months on T and I still don't feel I look masculine enough (I get read as a woman all the time)... What if I never look masculine enough for a flat chest and then get read as a girl with a freakish chest?

So I really want this and I know I am spoilt getting it on the NHS (granted I pay taxes and can't get anything else) compared to some people, but I also don't know if my fears are normal or if I am thinking too much. My transition feels so slow and I just wish I could wake up in a different body.

Top surgery was the first real procedure I ever had done, and I was very anxious about it despite wholeheartedly wanting it. I think it is very normal to feel that way.

If it makes you feel better, I did not require any assistance during my recovery other than having someone to drive me home and back to have my drains removed a week later.

I don't think I've heard from anyone here that they didn't connect with their chest post-op, even guys who ended up needing revisions to correct issues. I know for me, it was a very natural feeling. You'll continue to masculinize on T as time goes on, so I wouldn't worry too much about never passing. Six months is still relatively early. I had top surgery at 5 months on T and after that I didn't care if I passed or not or what people thought because I finally felt better.

I do still wish I could wake up in the right body. The wait for bottom surgery is driving me nuts, and I can definitely identify with wishing I was one of those guys who just didn't need it.

Quote from: Peacebone on August 19, 2016, 11:33:35 AM

• Being immobile and healing and having to rely on other people for a bit... That and getting to and from the hospital. I feel great shame in being helpless this way.
• I know it sounds bad, but I kind of resent that I am having to go to these lengths to feel OK about my body. I don't know why I can't just accept myself and you know, be one of those guys who don't feel the need for surgery or binding
• I am worried it will look awful, or I will not be able to connect with my new looking chest at all. I am six months on T and I still don't feel I look masculine enough (I get read as a woman all the time)... What if I never look masculine enough for a flat chest and then get read as a girl with a freakish chest?

These feelings are very normal. If there was a pill you could take to make boobies go away I would have been all over that rather than go through surgery. It is worth it, though. Just think about this: people go through surgery all the time to remove unwanted growths and organs gone wrong. Also, your passing ratio will increase with top surgery. It's a dramatic difference. It doesn't cause you to pass 100%. I wouldn't say a flat chest makes you freakish though. I think you will find yourself standing up straighter, actually, and dare I say puffing your chest out! You'll notice that plenty of women have very flat chests. That's one reason being flat won't make you pass 100%. But it helps a lot, trust me.

totally normal. I put off getting top surgery for longer than the average person would simply because i was too worried i would hate how it looked. finally at the beginning of this year i just realized i couldn't live like this anymore, and i have no regrets at all about it, everything is great; i'm only 2 1/2 months post op so of course it doesn't look perfect yet cos there's a lot of healing to do, but the amount of healing ive had so far is amazing and i know it's only gonna get even better, and i'm so so happy with how it looks and how my surgeon did it.

i would recommend (if you haven't already) looking at various results from different surgeons to decide what you generally want yours to look like, compare the incision lines, nipple placement, etc. the way my surgeon placed everything looks so natural and i feel like, incisions aside, it looks exactly how my chest should, how it might've looked if i never went through female puberty. picking a surgeon who has general results how you want them to look really helps a lot, or at least it did for me. i knew what i definitely DIDN'T want, and started to weed out options that way.

Quote from: groudon18 on August 21, 2016, 03:18:29 AM
i would recommend (if you haven't already) looking at various results from different surgeons to decide what you generally want yours to look like, compare the incision lines, nipple placement, etc. the way my surgeon placed everything looks so natural and i feel like, incisions aside, it looks exactly how my chest should, how it might've looked if i never went through female puberty. picking a surgeon who has general results how you want them to look really helps a lot, or at least it did for me. i knew what i definitely DIDN'T want, and started to weed out options that way.

^ I concur.
Every surgeon has a different style and they often have strong/weak points depending on your preferences. When I was searching, I took a lot of notes on nipple placement in particular--I was very paranoid that I'd wake up to find them too close together--as many top surgeons have wildly different opinions on where the placement should occur.
The scar placement was a pretty big deal for me also. Some do the scars through the nipples and, though it wasn't for me, I've seen it turn out great on some guys. You just have to find your cup of tea.

As far as your original points go...

1. You probably won't be as immobile as you think. I was pretty out for the count the first two or three days (pain meds and whatnot) but I found myself to be surprisingly spry after the first week. Of course you'll have to be careful with overextending and overexerting, but it won't be like you're recovering from a quadruple bypass. The comparatively minuscule amount of time you'll have to spend on recovery is well worth the everlasting result.

2. It is what it is. There's no more shame in understanding and accepting that you need physical change to be happy than there is in understanding that you don't. There's no one size that fits all when it comes to life; you have to do what's right for you.

3. Six months is a very short amount of time to be on T so I wouldn't be too concerned. I'd be willing to wager that your breasts are causing you to be misgendered more often than you may realize.
That being said, even -if- you still get casually gendered as a female, no one's going to bat an eye at your flat chest. Regardless, If your end goal is to be read as male, this is a huge step in the correct direction.

Aside from having my tonsils removed in 1976, my chest surgery was my first surgery.
There's no shame in getting a ride to and from the hospital; don't feel as though you're putting anyone out.
As far as being immobile, I was really, really good about keeping my arms at my sides for a long time lol but otherwise I moved about the house, went to the bathroom alone, etc. It's not so bad.

You'll be fine; good luck! You got this