Hey everyone, it has been a really hard day with my dysphoria, and I really just need a friendly shoulder to cry on. 

It started on my drive in to work.  A charlie horse had woken me up 45 minutes early, so I was running much earlier than usual.  I decided I would stop by the WalMart on my way in and take a look at some nail polish.  I have been watching some videos on how to do my nails, and I really want to try it.  I am not out to anyone, and this would be my first chance to really embrace being Kelly in a real way.  Well if I was going to work up the courage to go in and shop for what I wanted, this was my chance, as the store would be mostly empty at 5 AM.  By the time I got down to the WalMart, I chickened out and just kept driving.  I sat in the parking lot at work berating myself for being such a gutless wonder, and how did I think I could take any of this on if I can't even buy some base coat, nail polish, top coat, and a cuticle stick.  There it was my dysphoria had reared it's ugly head again and it brought its best friend self doubt, and they were on a roll.

I headed into the building and got going right away on some paperwork I was behind on.  Not only did I need to get this paperwork done to get paid, but I also really needed a distraction.  The guy I work with came in and started prepping or material for the day, while I wrapped up the paperwork.  He stepped out for a moment, and when he came back he told me one of our favorite fork truck drivers at the plant had passed last night, a heart attack in his sleep.

Now normally I would pay the normal lip service of how sad this is, and how unexpected, and it must have just been his time.  All the things co-workers say when someone at work passes.  But today I didn't have my emotions in check, I was worn too thin from the dysphoria and self doubt, I began to weep.  I quickly grapped a napkin and started "blowing my nose" to cover.  It could never do to look weak.

When I realized what I was doing, it pissed me off.  Kelly could cry over the loss and no one would think anything of it, but Joseph has to be strong and stoic.  All I could think was how disrespectful all this was to the recently departed.  Everything, from my not being able to just show my emotion, to me being more wrapped up in my own head then his passing.  This spiraled by dysphoria and self doubt even farther out of control.  I quickly gathered up all the paperwork and headed to the contractors' computer in the facilities maintenance office so I could get everything sent off, and so I could be alone for a moment to compose myself.

The rest of the day was smooth, and very somber around the facility.  I dealt with the aftermath of my little internal meltdown, quietly and in my own head.  Now I am back home.  My wife is on her annual girls' weekend at the beach, something she does every year just before her work at the school starts back up.  I am sitting in the house alone, and I can feel it all starting to build up.  I just barely got through the day, and now I am all alone and hurting. 

I know this will pass, and I will find my way.  Like I said above I just needed a friendly shoulder to cry on.  If you actually read all that babbling, thank you.

Kelly

Kelly, I'm so sorry this all had to happen to you in such an unrelenting fashion.  Dysphoria is really rough, and when it brings self-doubt, it is doubly bad.  Then you got the reminder of mortality.

You must be stronger than you think, to manage to get through the rest of the day at work with all of this.  You're in private, in a quiet place, and linked with friends here.  It's OK to let it all out.  Just posting this must have helped a bit, I hope.

Yes, it will pass.  There will be good times ahead for you, even if your world is momentarily darkened.  It will pass.

Thank you Michelle.  Your kind words really do help.  I have never even hinted at what has been going on inside of me, until I got on this site.  I haven't been here long, but opening up with everyone here has given me a safe harbor, and a sense of support.  Just being able to type out what I was struggling with today helped.  i didn't have to hide or obfuscate the true depth of what I was feeling.

I am still really hurting.  The tears are starting back up.  But as you said I am alone, and tonight I am done fighting the emotion, always tamping it down.  I am just going to let the pain and grief wash through me, and trust that Kelly is strong enough to handle this.

Kelly

Hi Kelly

Its horrible when you feel that way and I can really relate to what you are saying. Trying to do the small things like buy nail polish felt like climbing mount Everest. It feels horrible and I know the kind of stuff your head will be doing to you.

Do you have a favorite smell? I used to use a small amount of perfume, just a tiny squirt where the second to top button my shirt would do up. Each time I felt horrible I would put my head down and inhale the smell of the perfume. For me it worked an absolute treat I know it sounds risky but it really isn't. Only a tiny amount is enough to smell for a long time and others will not notice it on you. 

Maybe try and do a couple of nice things for yourself...be kind to yourself today. 

Hugs

Liz

Thank you Liz.  I really love the idea of a little dab of perfume, but for work I don't know if it would be a good idea.  Often my co-worker and I have to work off of a scissor lift, so quarters get tighter then you may expect.  But at other times, that is definitely something I will have to try.

Kelly

Quote from: K3lly on August 19, 2016, 05:03:02 PM
Thank you Liz.  I really love the idea of a little dab of perfume, but for work I don't know if it would be a good idea.  Often my co-worker and I have to work off of a scissor lift, so quarters get tighter then you may expect.  But at other times, that is definitely something I will have to try.

Kelly

Just say it reminds you of your wife if anyone notices

Quote from: Just Me Here on August 19, 2016, 07:31:23 PM
Just say it reminds you of your wife if anyone notices

Fantastic Idea

Liz

Please don't berate yourself that way.  I've chickened out of plenty of similar things.  But after just a little time, I have about a dozen colours of  polish, mostly women's lounge clothes, and a decent assortment of makeup.  I still chicken out, though.  Remember there's always the next day.  When you couldn't go through with it, that's ok.  just say to yourself that you will go back the next day; and just keep going until you feel you're getting somewhere.  Just go at a pace you're comfortable with.

Kelly.  We are all here for you.  Share tell feel. Hugs Shannon

Thank you everyone for your support and advice.  You all helped me through a miserably tough day.  I feel honored you took the time to read what I was going through.  I am glad I have found all of you, and made you a part of my life.  Big hugs for everyone.

Kelly

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K3lly:

Transition need not be all at once - from male one day to female the next.  You can take it as long as you determine, how you determine.

Ah, yes.  All those fits and false starts as you begin thoughts of transition.  All together now, we who have preceded you, 'Been there, done that'.  How many times I must have sat in my car in the dark evening hours trying to work up my courage to just do it.  You will be next to walk this well-worn path; there is someone following behind you.

You mention your wife, but did I miss whether you told her and / or she knows?  You will need to talk with her at some time if you have not already.  There are many good stories of a supporting wife here at Susan's Place; you can be the next one.

That said, your wife can help you - hand-hold in a good sense of the term - lead you to where you need to go next time you go shopping:  nail polish, maybe a ring or bracelet, clothes.

Yes, you may be in a bind at work, yet small changes done gradually just might go un-noticed.  Of course you have other parts of your life when and where you can make those changes.  The easiest is to start at home.  Experiment with what you find as your style.

Browse - whether for used clothes at Goodwill or at a store that sells new.  If you can wear jeans at work, wear 'uni-sex' female jeans.  Or tops.  Or shoes.  Try out your wardrobe at home.  Maybe you found a necklace that you like but are afraid wearing it at work; wear it as a bracelet.

Find support groups and participate; your wife can meet with other SOFFAs.  There you will find references for counselling and hormones if those are in your plans.

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