Today has been one of, if not one of the most mentally and emotionally intense days of my life.  I'll try and be reasonably brief with what is going on for such a long story and introduction.

I've been on HRT for over 5 months now.  I've had a terrible really debilitating life trying to live as a male; I had major depression, no friends despite a decent amount of charisma and character, became a hermit etc.  After accepting the fact that I was a transgender woman, I started to feel life and happiness for the very first time.  All of my depression and anxiety went away.  I was able to drive hours on the freeway, when I was normally too scared to even drive to the local store, and I was finally able to make real connections with people.  I have been passing in public with confidence, and I've been going in for electrolysis now for at least 3 months.  I even made my first real female friend, which has been problematic in the past.  Before, I have had issues getting crushes on just about every female and sex was constantly on my mind and a first priority, which was actually very involuntary and it took me many years to even notice that as a problem.  With this friend, I can open up and goof off without any obsessive feelings of romantic attachment like before.  The HRT has lended a hand in helping me to calm and balance my sexual dominance when it comes to relationships with people, yet I can't give it full credit as this started to improve before HRT/accepting myself as transgender.

Now for the bad news:  For about a week now I've seemed to stepped into a relapse of my past.  I'm starting to regret and reconsider transitioning fully into a female.  This has me looking at my female and male pictures side by side.  Today I was looking for and almost rooting for any male characteristics, and there are times I even try out my old male voice.  I feel as though depression is coming on.  I've been crying a lot, and to be honest I've always been extremely sensitive and emotional, HRT or not. 

My friendship with this girl has now turned into a realization that I have stronger feelings for her.  She knew me before my transition and she's the first person I came out to. What started this was the fact that some things she said about her past really has helped me to understand her more.  That and I have noticed that joking around with her has recently been the only thing that takes the crying and fear away.  Basically, either I have a bonafide love for her and want her in my life or the past monster of just having a strong crush on her has reared its ugly head.  I can't tell her how I feel, because this is my first bff ever, and I think we all know how bringing up intense feelings can destroy a friendship;  I can't afford to gamble right now, as she is my only friend.  It's also very difficult in how she is attracted to males, and I am basically afraid that she doesn't have an attraction toward me any longer.  It's stupid and silly, but a part of me would go back to being a male if it meant her accepting me as more than friends.  Even if she does love me as much as I love her, it's very hard for someone to compromise their physical attraction.

I have an electrolysis appointment this week, and I'm thinking of canceling and possibly postponing it for at least a while.  It's as if I want to make sure I can go back to being a male with a full beard, and I'm hoping/testing to see if my upper lip can grow back unharmed.  My breasts have grown a bit, and I realize that if I do decide to stop transitioning, I could be stuck with breasts and a patchy beard.  I have not had any kind of surgery. 

I have this fear of losing myself, my friend, that I've made an irreversible mistake, and I honestly feel doubt in if people can ever love me for who I am.  I'm really scared and I could really use some advice or encouraging words.  Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Hi Lori 

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Hugs

V M

I have been on HRT for a year now this month. I have made some new friends, girls and like you I don't feel that sexual dominance factor when with them. Much deeper friendships. One of them I have a girl crush on, or whatever you call it. I would take a relationship further with her, she is sweet and accepts me. But she likes guys, a lot . I can't change that and I am not going to try, I feel like I need the "Friend" in her more than I need her as a partner. There is also the chance one day she sees past gender, and sees into my soul and wants to be with me. But, I won't force anything; and I won't change myself for her, or anyone else for that matter.

I have done zero facial hair removal processes. I have chosen to wait. I think you can postpone your hair removal, take time to think and reflect. Do it on your time, when you feel it is right.

Be honest to yourself most of all, do not change who you are for anyone else. Change to make yourself better for YOU! Whichever way you pick, do it for you.

Hugs

-Jade

Quote from: lori25 on August 21, 2016, 07:05:11 PMI've had a terrible really debilitating life trying to live as a male;

Whatever it was that made the above true for you a year ago; did not change.    Its what I remind myself when I start to wonder whether having to handwash an undergarment is worth the trouble.   What I left, did not go away, and its probably worse because I've taken a break from managing it 24/7.    Short of the rare bloodclot thing, there really aren't any permutations of the future as a discreet, gentle old lady rw that are worse than that 24/7 horror show.

QuoteMy breasts have grown a bit, and I realize that if I do decide to stop transitioning, I could be stuck with breasts and a patchy beard.  I have not had any kind of surgery. 

This isn't as bad as you might think, however.   Learn to flex the top of your pectoralis muscle when you move your arm; instant pecs, as long as you don't take your shirt off and reveal the very not-male curve at the base, which should become less distinct without E.   No one will ever suspect otherwise.   Beard?  Meh, shave.  Heck there's more than a few cismale heteros that hate beards and zap'em; so you can certainly zap the beard and change your mind, no harm, no foul.

Quotethat I've made an irreversible mistake,

Don't think of actions as reversible or irreversible.   Think of them as adaptable or not.   You could choose to be the girl brain getting run over by the guy body, and adapt to its consequences, good and bad; or choose to be the girl brain with an imperfect, but compatible girl body.

Quote from: Jade_404 on August 21, 2016, 08:03:53 PM
I have been on HRT for a year now this month. I have made some new friends, girls and like you I don't feel that sexual dominance factor when with them. Much deeper friendships. One of them I have a girl crush on, or whatever you call it. I would take a relationship further with her, she is sweet and accepts me. But she likes guys, a lot . I can't change that and I am not going to try, I feel like I need the "Friend" in her more than I need her as a partner. There is also the chance one day she sees past gender, and sees into my soul and wants to be with me. But, I won't force anything; and I won't change myself for her, or anyone else for that matter.

I have done zero facial hair removal processes. I have chosen to wait. I think you can postpone your hair removal, take time to think and reflect. Do it on your time, when you feel it is right.

Be honest to yourself most of all, do not change who you are for anyone else. Change to make yourself better for YOU! Whichever way you pick, do it for you.

What you said is very reassuring and gives me so much hope.  Thank you for reading and commenting on such a messy and difficult subject.  I didn't imagine anyone would touch a subject like that with a 10 ft. pole, or even relate so well to my situation.  I feel a bit like a traitor to myself, or perhaps like I've nullified that I genuinely love this girl by my willingness to "change back" for her.  You're right, and I do need to get myself back on track for no one other than myself.

Quote from: rwOnnaDesuKa on August 21, 2016, 08:37:27 PM

Don't think of actions as reversible or irreversible.   Think of them as adaptable or not.   You could choose to be the girl brain getting run over by the guy body, and adapt to its consequences, good and bad; or choose to be the girl brain with an imperfect, but compatible girl body.

That is a great point, and my motto used to be "no regrets".  I just haven't felt like myself lately.  I used to take huge pride in my masculine chest.  It's difficult to cherish how you were made, yet still want to change things about yourself.  Getting over that was the first step in beginning my whole transition.

During my first year or two on HRT I've had quite a few "WTF am I Doing " meltdowns.  Seven years later I kinda get them. Some lasting hours to days, sometimes weeks. All telling me this is crazy, you're feeling better. You can beat this this time, etc.. Often times they came on when something in the back of your head said "This is all too real" or something along those lines.

In time, I sort of concluded a lot stems from Guilt, Shame, and very low self esteem. I don't deserve Joy. I don't deserve to be happy. This path will make a destroyer of lives that will surpass anything I did in the past. And I can go on.

Also through in a good healthy dose of Internalized Transphobia. Even though I was only part-time female and never had an issue, I was often on edge waiting for some HillBilly to make a scene. Having had two failed transition experiments some 30-40 years didn't help. That "Some Guy In a Dress" feeling took decades to almost shake.

I'll be going to the doctor and talk with him more about staying on or getting off HRT, just to see my options and hear more detail.  Seeing men on TV and seeing old pics of myself, it has really caused me to miss my chest which is ironically the main change that I wanted to see in my body when transitioning to female.  I just miss that "strong and sturdy" look and feel of my chest.  I believe my breasts are in a tanner 3 stage, so I am freaking out.  My male chest wasn't flat to begin with, nor was it on the fatty side - it was somewhere in the middle, and I did not see this coming at how much I'm now valuing my male chest.

This feeling comes and goes, as all feelings do, but it really hits me deeply.  I'm also reconsidering my fertility.  I gave up on the idea of fathering children, and decided that being a parent probably wasn't for me.  This is becoming a secondary feeling along with my sexual absence.   My drive was way too overboard before, but now I'm beginning to miss that a bit as it's almost completely nonexistent.

I feel like a complete fool, because I was the type of person that could never make up their mind and probably should never have dove into transitioning so soon.  I got the impression from someone that a person like myself, should probably not attempt HRT; but I didn't listen.  My late start in life and discovering myself made me act too hastily.  I also had it in my head that this was not as permanent as surgeries, which was very stupid. At the time, I just wanted my life to improve. I just hope everything turns out alright, no matter what direction I go.

I do have one question that is bothering me which can't wait before the doc, and I can't seen to find any info on:  Is it unhealthy to start and stop HRT with he proper doctor's guidelines?  I don't want to abuse my body, and it doesn't sound healthy to basically turn on and off your hormones a few times or more during your life.

I've been On/Off low dose HRT several times over the decades, always stopping once I got the asked for "Brain Reset". I wanted to be a "Normal Guy". When things started to take a hit below the below the belt, well past time to stop and I knew it.

I don't think I had any for real breast development. Swollen nips on top my flabby slightly gynocomastic breasts was about it.

When I was on full feminizing dose during my meltdowns, as the E levels crashed, so did I. Physiological effects or long term health issues of repeated starting and stopping full dose HRT is best answered by the doc. Overall, I'd say not a good idea to do it often

YMMV

Quote from: JoanneB on August 23, 2016, 06:34:03 PM
I've been On/Off low dose HRT several times over the decades, always stopping once I got the asked for "Brain Reset". I wanted to be a "Normal Guy". When things started to take a hit below the below the belt, well past time to stop and I knew it.

I don't think I had any for real breast development. Swollen nips on top my flabby slightly gynocomastic breasts was about it.

When I was on full feminizing dose during my meltdowns, as the E levels crashed, so did I. Physiological effects or long term health issues of repeated starting and stopping full dose HRT is best answered by the doc. Overall, I'd say not a good idea to do it often

YMMV

Thanks for this, it's very helpful 

I saw my doctor today, and it was all good news to ease my mind.  Not knowing is the hardest part, and the mind tends to fill in the blanks with fear based on worst-case scenarios.  He seemed to think that my breasts aren't developed far enough to do much if any permanent changes.  It's confusing because from what I've read here and online, it seems to be the complete opposite.  I have at least weeks to continue with my HRT and decide without any worry of "dooming" myself with irreversible changes. 

I still have some questions to ask him in the following weeks, like things regarding low dose HRT, and I'm definitely needing to see my therapist again.  I almost don't feel freaked out by the chest thing nor do I have as strong emotional stressing feelings about my friend.  This could just be hormones, as today I just felt like myself and how I should be on a day to day basis.  I still dress the same and speak with my female voice.  I'm still going to take time to decide, and I hope I can come to the best decision.

I also want to say thanks everyone for being so kind and understanding.  I've tried asking similar personal things online elsewhere, and this community is by far the best without disappointment.  This is a really wonderful place. <3

At the end of the day, the only person whose opinion counts is yours. You being comfortable with your decisions is great. This is, after all, YOUR life. It took me decades to learn that lesson. It is all too easy to try to live someone else's idea of what your life should be.

So much with HRT is YMMV. I've seen the same Can, Cannot on/off stuff. The rule is there are no rules. What happens is going to happen. What doesn't.. may not. Only time will tell. Whatever rollercoaster ride you were on going on HRT will perhaps be revisited. The same inner strength you tapped into before will still be there. I, for sure, will be here as well as many others if you need help