Hello, my name is Cameron. I was born a boy but was never comfortable as one. I've been questioning my gender since I was little, too little to fully understand what it all meant. In the 26 years I have been alive I have never once felt like I should be a boy, but LGBT awareness wasn't a big thing yet when I was growing up so not only did I not have any guidance on these feelings, but I was terrified of what my family and friends would think. At Halloween when I was little I would often tell my parents I wanted the fairy princess costume and I couldn't understand why I had to be a ninja or a pirate instead, and I wasn't old enough to express to them why exactly I wanted to be a fairy princess. I didn't even really KNOW why yet. So as I grew and began to understand normalized gender roles and the reasons why I was different, I decided to just suppress those feelings instead of embrace them. I got really good at putting on an act and just forcing myself to be what society said I should be.
Well now I'm just four years away from 30 and I'm sick of hiding. I'm sick of hurting, of crushing my soul on a daily basis just to be what society deems as "normal." I've been slowly experimenting more and more over the last six years or so with my sexuality and my identity as a whole. What I have discovered is that I love to get dressed up and put on makeup. I love to look cute. I love romantic comedies. I love cute boys. I love taking a nice relaxing bath with a glass of wine. I love looking in the mirror and seeing who I have always wanted to be, and whenever I have to take it all off and be a boy again it just hurts ten times worse than it ever did before. Just last night I had some time to myself so I put on my wig, did up my makeup, and spent hours trying on clothes that I had just bought. When my mom was heading home (I'm living with her while I go to school full time), I looked in the mirror one last time and just cried. Those few hours made me happier than I've ever been and I had to say goodbye to me and go back to being someone else.
So obviously I'm not out yet. It's still super scary not knowing what anyone's reaction will be. I have come out to one of my closest friends from high school, someone who I knew would understand because she knows me better than just about anyone and always knew there was something not right with me. She always tried to tell me that I wasn't being true to myself and I always just denied it. She is being so helpful and supportive.
Anyway that's my story, so far. I plan on seeing a psychologist soon who specializes in gender identity to help me along the path to happiness. I'm a long way from fully coming out, but I'm getting there faster than I thought I could. Every day I'm becoming more and more comfortable with who I really am, and uncomfortable with who I've been. I also plan on attending some of the events that the local transgender meetup group puts together.
