I am transgender.

How did I come to this conclusion?  When I was a child, I was often a girl in my night time dreams; as a teenager, I tried on my mother's clothes; as an adult I've had almost continual feelings of wishing that I'd been born female.  Crossdressing just feels 'right' - how things should have been.  I've given myself makeovers on taaz.com and not only liked what I saw but also realised that I could be the woman I've always wanted to be.  I've looked at the 'before & afters' on the websites of FFS clinics and realised that I could have a successful transition.  I've looked down while driving and wished I was wearing a skirt and hose.  I've 'tucked' and thought how much better things looked.  I've yearned to have boobs and looked enviously at photographs of breast development in transwomen.  I've wanted to put on a gorgeous dress, heels & makeup and be a part of the outside world.  I've also yearned to put on a simple skirt, opaque tights and flats and just blend in.  I've imagined picking my kids up from school and blending in with, and being acepted by, the other mothers.  I see women in the street and wish I was them.  I've realised that many of my personality traits can be explained by the fact that there's something 'different' about me and it's been that way since birth (or, to be more exact, in the womb).  I am inspired by the stories I read on this site and realise that I am not pursuing an impossible dream.  I've already decided on a post-transition name.  I'd love to experience HRT.  I dread spending the rest of my life increasingly wanting to be female and am now starting to think seriously about whether tranisition is a good path to take.

Yes, I am transgender.

The problem is, I wish I wasn't!

It's one thing wishing that one was born female but it's a completely different proposition to take steps to correct that some 55 years later.  The first thing to consider is whether it's really fair to inflict what is a fundamentally selfish decision on my wife (having already confessed my cross dressing to her, I know what the reaction would be to any further admissions in this area).  I don't want to go into the rights and wrongs of keeping quiet about my TG thoughts for over 20 years of marriage but, fundamentally, she thought she was marrying a man and has every right to feel betrayed by recent admissions on my part.  So that's the first dilemma - stay as I am with all of the frustrations that that entails or 'nuke' what's left of the marriage to pursue something that may or may not make me happy (I am enough of a realist to realise that not every transition is successful or fulfilling and it's too easy to be seduced by those that are).  Yes, marriages break up for all sorts of reasons but I made promises to her when we married that I'm going to do my utmost to keep.

Then we have the kids.  One is on the verge of adulthood; the other pre-teen.  My gut feel is that they will love me whatever happens but, equally, I need to think of them.  I know we're in the 21st century with same-sex marriage, TG rights etc. but, at the end of the day, I still want to be their father in all senses of the word.  There's also the question of their friends and recent history is littered with stories of parents not letting their kids socialise with a child with a TG parent. 

And, of course, we have the material things in life.  Would I consider transition if it meant losing everything (home, possessions etc. in addition to family) and be forced to live on benefits?  I have a nice house and all of the other trappings of a reasonably successful career and, if I'm brutally honest, despite all of the feelings I have, I could not envisage being prepared to lose everything.

And finally, there's me.  I have XY chromosomes, was born and have lived as a male for 55 years, have male hobbies, am known as male by everyone (apart, of course, from my wife who is now unconvinced!) and would just as much love to have that cute girl in my arms as to be her.

So I am probably not transgender after all?  Well, I don't think it's that straightforward.  Certainly, my dysphoria is more to do with wanting to live the life of a woman rather than being trapped in the wrong body (to use a much over-used cliche) and I know that the majority of you reading this will be shouting 'go to see a gender therapist' at your screens and I acknowledge that this would almost certainly be the best approach to decide on how I should live the rest of my life.

I would also like to acknowledge that I'm sure that many of you have gone through similar emotions and the opinions I express above only relate to how I feel and not an opinion on what is right and wrong for others in similar situations.

But there we are, whilst I love feminity in all of its guises, I love the total feeling of calm I get from slipping into the feminine world and transition may, ultimately, be the best option for me, life would be far more straightforward if, as the title to this post says, I didn't feel this way.

Thanks for listening,

Amanda x

Quote from: aaajjj55 on August 26, 2016, 02:47:58 AMYes, I am transgender.

The problem is, I wish I wasn't!

No one wants to be transgendered.  Not really, at least.

No one wants to experience dysphoria, the ordeal of transitioning, societal rejection, persecution, or the time spent going through the motions with gender therapists and doctors.  We play the hand we're dealt though, and honestly, the best way to play is to do what makes you happy.  Yeah, I know Gender Identity Disorder sucks.  That's why it's called a disorder: the definition is that it interferes with your life.  But remember, the only direction you should really expect to go is the one that makes you happy in the long run...

Is it really selfish?  I agree that it can be very disruptive; but selfish is the wrong word. 

It's a medical condition that is largely invisible to others, but a medical condition  none the less.  In most cases this medical condition leads to dysphoria which causes all sorts of problems, namely depression which leads to a greatly reduced quality of life.

So I do not think it is selfish to want to take the only treatments that have ever been shown to work that can cure or greatly relieve this condition.

If anything, it is selfish on the part of others to deny someone medical treatment solely to maintain their own illusions, or in the case of outsiders, their own groundless ideologies and ignorance.

XY chromosomes have nothing to do with it.  Chromosomes do not determine how your brain develops before birth.  Hormones determine the direction of brain development and there are many causes of these hormone signals not being the correct ones.  This is established science and is not really even controversial anymore.

The marriage vow states that you will love and cherish until death.  I agree with this very strongly.  Treating this condition does not violate that in any way. 

As to whether treatment will make you happy, in all likelihood at least some degree of treatment probably will improve your mental state.  Doing something does not mean you have to do everything.  Doing nothing will most certainly improve nothing. 

Now, none of those reasons invalidate anyone's decision to just live with it.  That may in fact be the best thing.  But, when weighing the alternatives you should be using the correct information.

Quote from: aaajjj55 on August 26, 2016, 02:47:58 AM
So I am probably not transgender after all?  Well, I don't think it's that straightforward.  Certainly, my dysphoria is more to do with wanting to live the life of a woman rather than being trapped in the wrong body

Your story is probably more typical of being transgender than the stories in the news about people "trapped in the wrong body".  There is no doubt in my mind, based on your description, that you are somewhere on the transgender spectrum.

I, too, had to consider the possibility of losing all my material comforts before I came out.  I had prepared well for retirement before I married, but my wife had not.  Still I was happy to share what I had with her.  We were comfortable, but not rich.  Had she left me, she would have taken half of all that with her, leaving both of us in poverty.   So, yes, the possibilities might suck, and it is wise to consider them as you weight the alternatives.

What convinced me that I had to come out and had to accept the risks was the absolute certainty of the regret I would feel if, having discovered who I am, I did not get a chance to be that person.  The regret of not transitioning would have killed me, literally, so in the end I had to take the risk.  I got lucky and my wife is staying with me.

I am not suggesting one course of action or another.  You have to decide that for yourself.  But be sure to weigh the options realistically.  Your feelings count, and have to be considered along with duties and everything else.

Quote from: Deborah on August 26, 2016, 05:24:14 AM
Is it really selfish?  I agree that it can be very disruptive; but selfish is the wrong word. 

Deborah - thanks for your views.  I want to stress that I don't think of transition in itself as a selfish act and I made the point further on in my post that the views related only to how I feel and not a general right/wrong view of the decisions made by others.  However, the situation I am in is that any decision towards transition on my part would end our marriage immediately and leave my wife feeling even more betrayed by what she perceives as my dishonesty than she already does.  Also, the fundamental premise of family life is that decisions should be made for the good of the family but any decision I take here would be unilateral and for my benefit only, hence the use of the word 'selfish' - I had a look for synonyms but, in all honesty, all of the words seem as bad as eachother if not worse!  Once again, though, I would stress that I was only making the point about my situation and not a general viewpoint.

PrincessCrystal - thank you too for your views.  You're absolutely right, GID does 'suck' but I'm constantly amazed by the number of people on the GID spectrum who say that they wouldn't 'take the pill' - I use this term as a catch-all to cover all of the hypothetical means of removing the longing to transition rather as distinct from treating the condition by transitioning.

KathyLauren - thank you for sharing your thoughts.  I think the biggest fear I have is that this 'thing' can only get worse.  The feeling of wishing that I had been born female has always been there but, other than that, it was only a case of occasional cross dressing.  However, the feelings have been getting stronger over the past few weeks and months, fuelled in no small part firstly by the fact that there are many other people who have identical/similar feekings that I do (and who are taking steps along the transition highway) and secondly the realisation that the feelings I have may have been caused by something my mother may have taken during pregnancy (now, I know that the whole DES link to ->-bleeped-<- is by no means widely accepted in the medical community but, from my point of view, it is very plausible).

Up to now, I have managed to keep everything more or less under control but I do fear that the dysphoria will get progressively worse and what happens then!

As I said in the original post, I wish I didn't feel this way!

If wishes were horses we'd all be riding.............(thanks mom)

Ayn Rand penned a very interesting treatise on the topic of selfishness.  Without getting into the weeds about her view, let it suffice that you may find her ideas interesting if not helpful (The Virtue of Selfishness).  That you feel as you do is not selfish.  How you choose to deal with them will determine whether or not your choices are selfish.......... but selfish by whose standard/definition?  For too many of us, shame and guilt cause us to deny our feelings and suppress our own needs.....for you it has been a lifetime struggle.  You put up every excuse for denying your true self at, as you've described it, great personal sacrifice (because of the job, the kids, the wife, financial status) and it seems your true feelings are battling their way to the forefront of your consciousness despite your most valiant efforts to keep them in check.  It also seems you're resigned to continue to subvert your own needs and that's your decision.  Is transition the only option for your circumstance?  And does it have to be done overnight if at all in order to gain some relief?

Let me offer this for your consideration: You've apparently revealed your innermost feelings and gender incongruity with your spouse and she chooses to deny their validity (that's an assumption on my part from your comment that "..she has every right to feel betrayed").  Ok, but isn't THAT selfish too?  You don't have any rights when it comes to your feelings regardless of when you came to terms with them?  It's regrettable that it took so long for you to surface your feelings...but wasn't that driven by overwhelming confusion, shame or guilt and denial  rather than a conscious decision to deceive?  Is your "continued sacrifice" a conflict avoidance tactic?

Unless or until we fully embrace and accept our feelings/needs as a part of our true selves, can we really expect anyone else to do so?  Again, how you choose to deal with them if at all is completely up to you.  You have many options and possible choices .....from total transition to complete rejection of that part of you.  Every path has its own obstacles and difficulties............. I will not presume to offer you advice on which is best for you.  I simply suggest that continued repression of your gender preferences will likely have destructive consequences and whether or not your spouse chooses to support you (or not) in your struggle will tell a lot about her character as well.  It is ALWAYS a two way street.

Trish33455 - wow!  If you're not already a therapist, you should certainly consider it!  That is so insightful and I'm almost at a loss for words (in the nicest possible way).  What is most incredible is your insight into my wife's point of view and how this tells a lot about her character.

I also love the word 'struggle' as I think it sums things up so well.  Yes, it's been a lifelong struggle but, to a greater degree, it's been a relatively minor struggle which I have been able to control - until recently, I have been able to think of it as something of a dirty little perversion.  However, thanks to the members of this community, I have learned that it's anything but that and is probably hard wired into my brain as I was forming in the womb.  Of course, any other undiagnosed congenital condition would be a cause for concern for a spouse but I have a feeling that I already know the outcome of the 'it's caused by me having too much oestrogen in the womb, there's nothing I can do about it and the cravings are probably going to get stronger' discussion.  I may be pleasantly surprised but I doubt it!

Yes, I put up every excuse for denying my true self - it's easier than accepting who I am!  You're also spot on in the whole of paragraphs 2&3 of your reply and, in my heart, I know that the more I fear the consequences, the longer it'll be before I find any form of inner peace.  I suppose, ultimately, I'm sitting here hoping that the latest wave of urges and desires will subside as all of the others have done.  The problem is that it feels different this time and I'm now starting to think that they're here to stay this time.

Thank you again for taking the time and trouble to reply,

Amanda x

Amanda, Here are a couple of rhetorical questions based on your response

Have you truly overcome denial (aversion?) of YOUR TRUTH and now FULLY embrace it ?  Many of us have spent a lifetime dealing with our "problem" with less than effective strategies often attributing the feminine inclinations to "dirty little perversions".  Is it any wonder most who share "this thing" are so deeply in the closet??

Do you believe that a deeply truthful and open conversation with your spouse can possibly go well if you don't unabashedly "own your feelings" and firmly establish YOUR Legitimate right to feel them regardless of how she might view the gender incongruity issue?

It is after all YOUR issue not hers.............she will be affected by whatever steps are taken to help you find relief from your dysphoria to be sure....but that is a different although related conversation.

First things first. 

Isn't it vital that she acknowledge the legitimacy of the issue if for no other reason than it IS AFFECTING your well being and ergo that of the whole family (just as another congenital condition would)? 

Do you want her help to figure out a way to deal with the issues or do you want her to tell you it's OK to feel as you do? (i.e., give you her permission)

If you think it's a problem.........it usually is...........(Thanks again mom)

I submit that "THE TALK" will be more productive and have a greater chance of a positive outcome only after you fully embrace and accept your TRUTH rather than cower from it.  You might be surprised at the result when you initiate a discussion from a position of confidence and self acceptance..............with the knowledge she may or may not offer acceptance, understanding and support you need.  Either way, isn't it much better to know where she really stands rather than assuming?

Very best wishes to you..............

Quote from: trish33455 on August 26, 2016, 10:03:01 AM
Amanda, Here are a couple of rhetorical questions based on your response

Trish - once again, you've hit the spot!  Obviously I know what rhetorical questions are but I hope you don't mind if I answer them anyway!

QuoteHave you truly overcome denial (aversion?) of YOUR TRUTH and now FULLY embrace it ?  Many of us have spent a lifetime dealing with our "problem" with less than effective strategies often attributing the feminine inclinations to "dirty little perversions".  Is it any wonder most who share "this thing" are so deeply in the closet??

In all honesty, no I haven't overcome denial.  The title of this post underlines that.  In the traditional sense, I fear that these are 'abnormal' desires even in the context of 21st centruy liberalism and acceptance.  The reaction of my group of (male) friends to the news that someone else we know is treading a similar path confirms that there is still a lot of s->-bleeped-<-ing going on about this sort of thing and subconsciously, do I want to be the subject of similar s->-bleeped-<-s and gossip?

QuoteDo you believe that a deeply truthful and open conversation with your spouse can possibly go well if you don't unabashedly "own your feelings" and firmly establish YOUR Legitimate right to feel them regardless of how she might view the gender incongruity issue?

It is after all YOUR issue not hers.............she will be affected by whatever steps are taken to help you find relief from your dysphoria to be sure....but that is a different although related conversation.

Again, the answer is no - it can't possibly go well in the scenario you describe.   Equally, though, even if I did grab the bull by the horns, she has an equal right to say 'this is not what I committed to, I'm off'.  Now I am a realist and, if that's the reaction, the marriage has little in the way of substance anyway (we're probably back to the 'S' word (selfish) and marriage for marriage's sake rather than because of a bond of love).

Quote
First things first. 

Isn't it vital that she acknowledge the legitimacy of the issue if for no other reason than it IS AFFECTING your well being and ergo that of the whole family (just as another congenital condition would)? 

Absolutely vital but her approach on this type of issue (not just ->-bleeped-<- but other things that have happened that she feels others would look down on) has always been to avoid discussion on the 'out of sight is out of mind' basis.

Quote

Do you want her help to figure out a way to deal with the issues or do you want her to tell you it's OK to feel as you do? (i.e., give you her permission)

I would love her help but only if it was accepting that there is a problem and a desire to reach a compromise.  Otherwise we get back to the 'don't do it and don't talk about it' siituation we're in at the moment.

Quote
If you think it's a problem.........it usually is...........(Thanks again mom)

I submit that "THE TALK" will be more productive and have a greater chance of a positive outcome only after you fully embrace and accept your TRUTH rather than cower from it.  You might be surprised at the result when you initiate a discussion from a position of confidence and self acceptance..............with the knowledge she may or may not offer acceptance, understanding and support you need.  Either way, isn't it much better to know where she really stands rather than assuming?

Once again, you're spot on!  I'll keep you posted!

Thank you so much for your help and support with this.

Amanda x

Very best wishes to you..............
[/quote]

TBH - No One Wants to be TG. Or, as my wife put it; "No one in their right mind Wants to be a 50 y/o woman"

Is it selfish to want to have joy in your life? Happiness? To feel at peace being... You?  Or; as my wife would put it; "It's better then coming home and finding you swinging on the end of a rope in the garage"

After a good 50 years of dancing with the beast, I came to the point in my life I needed to take it on, for real. I didn't want to, I needed to. Over a good part of those years I slowly devolved into a lifeless, soulless "Thing" that existed merely to do "What was expected". No hopes, no wishes, no dreams, bar one given up long long ago.

That was seven years ago. Today I still live and present primarily as male. One of the many factors I need to balance in my life is my needs and wants against those of "The Us", my wife and myself. As does she. This is far from a solo ride. It wasn't easy for either of us, still is not easier. But life is much much better now for me, for her and for the us.

I have a well ensconced "Male" existence. Many things about that aspect of me are as important, if not more so, then my gender ID. Many things about it bring me joy. Conversely, does a woman, like my wife, who likes to hunt any less of a woman?

Every day I wish I could do a full social transition. I know that I'd be putting many things at risk. A risk I do not need to take, today. Most days I do not feel I Need to transition, simply want to. If most days I felt I needed to, I would to help preserve the joy and happiness I came to discover.

It's crazy how much guilt can come from just trying to take care of your needs.  I think it has something to do with my being trans* that I always feel guilt for doing things that I need or enjoy.  My religious upbringing certainly didn't help.  What scares me so much is that I'm either going to have to try and deny a want/need, or I can transition and hate myself for being so selfish.  It makes me not want to live; like maybe the best thing for me is to just hurry and go to hell where there's nothing that I could potentially enjoy, which would be a relief.  I definitely don't think my feelings on this are correct; but they still exist.  Anyway, I really wish I could offer anything productive.  But that's just not the place I'm at in life.  I hope it helps that I can relate to all of the fear and hurt you're feeling.

JoanneB - thank you for your thoughts.  I am very new to this community and, prior to formally joining, I had kept an eye on the 'before & after' and 'feeling fabulous' threads.  Looking at those, it's very easy to think that everyone's got this TG thing well and truly nailed.  Then, as you go a bit deeper you read how HRT seems to be changing everyone's life for the better and how they would refuse a 'cure' if offered to them.  That's when it hit me - I'm feeling a lot of the emotions that others are feeling but I wish I didn't feel this way - yes, it's a part of my personality and who I am, yes I love to get dressed up and see an elegant woman looking back at me from the mirror, yes I get a warm feeling from doing things in what I feel to be a feminine way but I'd rather I didn't.  What has been a huge comfort is realising that many on this site have not transitioned full time into an amazing looking woman, many are not yet at the point where they have inner peace, many are walking on a knife edge with their spouse/partner and many have had to settle for compromise just to keep the 'beast' under control.  I am very grateful to you for your candour in explaining your situation and it has helped not only to open my eyes to the realities of what this all means but also to understand that this is not an all or nothing issue but one where we need to find our own equilibrium.

Amanda_Combs - thank you for sharing your thoughts.  As I said to Joanne, it's a huge help just knowing that others face the same struggles and dilemmas as you and I hope that the replies to my original post will help you as much as they have helped me.   Guilt is our biggest enemy - maybe in the future, it'll be completely socially acceptable to present ourselves as we like without judgement from others but, of course, we're not there yet and this is an area where men have a particular disadvantage - a woman who wishes to present as a man can, if she wishes put on a pair of sensible lace-ups, trousers and a shirt and no-one bats an eyelid (this is obviously a very simplified view and I'm not for one moment suggesting that this is a full and final remedy for anyone with FTM dysphoria).  A man wishing to present as female on the other hand faces all sorts of challenges, not least society's view of them and this, in turn, leads to stealth and guilt.  I hope you can find a way through the TG jungle that will give you inner peace but, in the meantime, your empathy with my situation means a lot to me, thank you.

Amanda

Like others have said there is a LOT of Shame and Guilt we have over just wanting to have some level of freedom, even a minor "Recreational Period" away from that cell we keep a large part of who we are locked away in. On top of those two factors we move about, as some specter, in that world outside that cell with no one knowing who is really there alongside them. We know all well what so many people we associate with, as well as vast portions of the populace think of "Those Kind of People". Those thoughts amplified to rock concert levels when some "News" story breaks.

The result is also a ton of Internalized Transphobia. AKA "I Don'T Want To Be TRANS". All you know are the downsides. To counter it is just some wild-eyed fantasy you slip into during brief escapes from "Maleness". Whatever joy you felt quickly dissipated by Shame and Guilt. You know doing anything other then you are now, or worse, doing or working at it even harder, to beat those feelings down, is a tremendous leap of faith into a vast dark unknown, for you, your life, and the life's of others you care deeply about. Is it worth the price?

Seven years into this journey I still have far more internalized transphobia then I wish I did. I have been able shed about all the Shame I did have. "Shame" as my therapist and I discussed at length about is "Feeling bad about something you did not do". Well, I know without a doubt I did not "Make" myself trans. I felt this way since like the age of 4. At this point in my life, the only way I can really have no guilt is to be a sociopath. My taking on the Trans-Beast for real has had a great impact on a person I love, my BFF, my soul-mate and Reality Therapist. It triggered her BIGGEST hot-button issue, Betrayal. That pales in comparison to the "I didn't marry a woman" or "I can't think of you as my husband with breasts bigger then mine" comments. All, I do deserve. I earned them by hurting her. Of course I should feel guilty over it. In time, she forgave me but she still hurts. We both still do not know what the future may hold. But... Like who does? We have, we all have, Hopes, Wishes, and Dreams. Even I do now of my own. "The Us" also have many shared hopes, wishes, and dreams. Relationships take work to preserve and both of us are still willing and wanting to put in that work.

I worked hard on myself, to hopefully heal myself, especially the first few years and continue to work on my personal growth. It was not easy. I took tons of chances doing, trusting, and especially knowing what I was doing before was not and never really had worked. I knew somehow I needed to get Joanne and John to live in peace. Today they are aside from the usual tiff couples have. I not only pushed my envelope, often times I needed to shred it. It took time to get there. It took desperation to get there. It took plenty of Baby-Steps. Like that baby, a constant struggle to find some sense of balance. In time being balanced gets easier.

Joanne - thank you for your further thoughts.  You are so right, particularly when you talk about the biggest hot button issue - betrayal.  Mine has said that she cannot trust me on anything on a couple of occasions since my confession; ironically my transgender issues are a taboo subject not to be discussed but we both know what she means when she says it.  Unfortunately, the trans community in all of its guises is littered with spouses and SOs who feel betrayed by a sudden admission after several decades of marriage.

Ironically, though, I don't think it is betrayal in the traditional sense.  I can't speak for anyone else but I know that my TG feelings completely went away when I was in the first flushes of love with my wife.  Looking back, I suppose I was subconsciously treating her as a surrogate for the woman inside me - buying her the clothes I would previously wanted to wear myself, feeling masculine because I had a pretty girlfriend/wife etc. etc.  Why would I want to confess to something that I thought was a passing phase that was over?  Over time, of course, the TG thoughts came back but were still at a low enough level to pass off as a harmless perversion as long as I kept it to myself.  It was only when the inner voice shouted loud enough to make herself heard, took me on secret shopping trips to buy her outfits and came to visit while the house was otherwise empty that the guilt started and, with it, the realisaton that I was rapidly getting into very hot water and it was at that point that the discomfort really kicked in.

I do wonder whether a major part of our spouses' anger stems from the fact that this is an issue that is very hard to talk about, either with each other or with friends/family.  After all, regularly inviting the neighbour's wife in for a spot of 'recreation' would, in my view, be a far bigger betrayal but they could talk about it to others freely; with this, of course I think they see a degree of personal shame in the prospect of admitting that their husband identifies with the opposite sex.  Ironically, of course, if they were to confide in a friend they'd probably get empathy ('oh, that's terrible for you') followed by platitude ('but at least he wasn't having an affair with the neighbour's wife').  And let's not forget the difficulties we face in confiding in people - can't talk about it to your male friends (who are probably still referring to SRS as a 'sex change' with all of the sensationalist connotations that that phrase has) and societal norms make 1:1 chats with female friends difficult.  So we suffer in silence.

I am so glad that you are finding a way through all of this and, as I have said before, I draw comfort from knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles.

Thank you again for your help and advice,

Amanda

I think how you felt at the time and your actions are pretty well "In the Norm" of behaviors we have. We want to be normal, feel normal. Deep down inside there is something that says "If I got a g/f it will fix me". Which is followed by "If we got married....". Which is followed by "If we had a kid..." Well you know the story

Looking back through these new eyes of mine I can see some of that in me as well as the attraction I had towards women was a mix of raging hormones of youth and a large dose of Envy. Unlike about every guy most of my thoughts about a woman that caught my eye was a lot more like "I wish I could wear...", "Getting into her panties" had a far different connotation to me 

My wife's sense of betrayal was amplified by the fact she knew of my "Gender Issues" as well as my transition experiments. She believed me as I believed me that "I was just a CD". Primarily because I had no other option open to me. All I ever was, was just "Some guy in a dress".

When the excrement hit the air handler we had a long distance marriage. A new job meant a relocation for me and her staying home to bark at strangers walking past the house. Funny thing, the two of us came up with the same solution on how to talk about this to others. "He (or I) am involved with another woman" Certainly true. Just the details of who she is.....

I tend to feel that having the T-Bomb dropped is very hard for the SO. We spent a lifetime just barely getting a handle on this. They have mere seconds in comparison. Their entire world view, hopes wishes and sure dreams of future totally shattered in an instant. And by something that is never imagined... except the "Other woman" angle.

Sex and sexuality are often what keeps Couples Therapists well employed. If people sharing their lifes and gametes cannot readily talk about sex, where does that leave Gender? Way way off into the weeds. Or up the river in Egypt

Quote from: JoanneB on August 27, 2016, 09:38:19 AM
I tend to feel that having the T-Bomb dropped is very hard for the SO. We spent a lifetime just barely getting a handle on this. They have mere seconds in comparison. Their entire world view, hopes wishes and sure dreams of future totally shattered in an instant. And by something that is never imagined... except the "Other woman" angle.

I agree and I think this is an issue that many don't consider before dropping the bomb - I certainly didn't - and then wonder why their spouse is in such a state all of a sudden.

I have found this whole discussion both stimulating and enlightening and I hope that it has helped others who have not joined in yet.

Thank you again,

Amanda

Amanda,
I know how you feel. I cross dressed my whole life not because of just wanting to wear female clothes but the moment I put on my dress I start to feel correct. From my childhood I wanted to be a girl. That was something impossible being born in the mid 50's and in the South. I am older and will never go through a complete change. GRS and the other surgeries are beyond my financial reach and being older just not in the cards for me. Nearing retirement in 17 months, no longer married but have daughters they would have a very difficult time if I completely went through the change. I am on HRT and changes are occurring and those changes feel great to me! So I will continue to enjoy being as much a girl as I can. My regret is that I was not born in the last 20 or so years and have what is now available. It would have been so much easier to transition without a wife, children, career and the other trappings that come with age.

I love my shaved legs, my A (almost B) size breasts and my girly things and I am at peace with me.

Hugs,
Heather

I guess I was the lucky one.  What my wife was imagining was far worse than me being trans and once she understood it was something I had all my life she was more or less ok with it. 

That's still a far cry from being ok with transitioning all the way though.  How far this goes is a continuing saga.  So I am taking things pretty slowly for both our sakes and the final destination remains veiled in the fog.

I have kind of a mixed relationship with guilt over it all.  I don't feel any guilt over being trans because that's simply beyond my control.  I do feel some guilt since I cannot be what my wife thought she was getting.  A lot of that guilt though I offload back onto my parents and especially onto the Church.  They are the ones that led me to believe this could all go away and they are the ones that left no options other than the life path I took.  My only guilt lies in trusting them in the first place.

When I was in full blown suppression mode, neither of us was happy.  That was all on me because I was chronically depressed and daily took out all my frustrations on her.  We fought a lot.  It was all in a serious death spiral.  Not to mention that I spent every night praying that I would die in my sleep.

For me, HRT has fixed most of that.  The depression lifted almost immediately and we became friends again instead of adversaries.  I also quit cutting my hair in Dec 2014 so it's pretty long now.  At first she didn't like that, particularly since she was my barber.  Now it doesn't seem to be an issue anymore.  As far as clothing goes, I may be a trans outlier.  I don't much care about that anymore.  I can see me in the mirror with or without it.  Maybe that's because I am extremely fortunate to still have all my hair.  Or maybe I'm simply strange. LOL

My work situation is kind of weird.  I'm retired Army and am still working with Army people, some who I have known since 1980.  One of my team mates was a private in my Airborne Infantry Company when I was commander in 1990.  But even with the changes of 18 months of HRT (it is noticeable) and excessively long hair I am getting along very well with everyone.  The great unknown remains in what would happen if I took the next step?  I don't know.

I still do not know where all this will end up.  At this point my primary goal is to be happy and feel mostly normal.  What I know with certainty is that trying to do nothing did not work.  The thought of going back to the way I felt then is unacceptable. I'm pretty sure that a nightly wish for death is neither normal nor healthy.

When I'm happy and feeling mostly normal I can make my wife happy too.  If I try to maintain the old illusion then neither of us is happy.  So it's kind of a Catch 22 situation.  All I know for certain is that the way things are right now are much better than they were before.  I hope that this trend continues.

Deborah - thank you for sharing your experiences.  It sounds like you have had a horrible time and far worse than I am experiencing.  I'm glad things seem to be working out for you now.

Amanda