I'm new here, I go by the name Jaqueline. I prefer females pronouns she/her. I'm not here to start drama or complicate anyone's life. I know you guys/gals have your own problems. I don't even know why I'm posting on here but here goes. Life is very hard for me right now, I'm not happy with myself. I don't look in the mirror anymore. I hate everything about my body. I hate how it is bulky, hairy, my deep voice, ect. I feel like even hrt can't help me now, I feel like testerone has ruined my body, everything! I don't really care what people think about me so that's not a problem.  Once again I don't want cause unnecessary drama, I really don't! But I'm also considering not living anymore,  I can't do this the rest of my life. I have came out to a few friends and family and all they say is "God doesn't make mistakes" , "look between your legs, you know what you are" I have just about lost all hope. Once again I am sorry for any displeasure I have caused.

Hi Jaqueline, welcome to Susan's Place! We have the numbers to many suicide hotlines posted on the site, please call one if you're overwhelmed. We need you around.  You're among friends here, sit and talk for a spell.

Hugs, Devlyn

Welcome to Susan's Place. Like everybody on the site we look at the massive problem ahead of us and when you look at it that way, it's unsolvable. The trick is to address one item at a time until they are all solved. I am 6'2" tall, had the lowest male voice possible and appeared rather masculine. I may not be a beauty queen but I am comfortable in society and am accepted. This site exist only to help people through the same problems we have faced.

As for family and friends, they can't see what's in your mind and that has been there from before you were born. It's nothing to be ashamed of and it can't be changed. There is a brighter future waiting for you and the only person who fails is the one who doesn't try.

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Hi Jaqueline,
It is not easy being male when you know deep down you want to be female. I am an older person that started HRT  7 weeks ago and it has changed me quite a lot. I am happier than ever mentally. I am starting to see some bodily changes such as some breast growth and some slower hair growth on my legs. Do I wish I was a female, absolutely yes. But that will not happen due to time and money. But I am happy being as much girl as I can be. The statements God does not make mistakes is such an easy thing for someone to say when they don't understand. If that statement were true then how do you explain birth defects and other things people are born with.

One thing I know is that life is worth living at any stage. And to me removing ones self hurts the fabric of life for all. And some of the things you mentioned are the same things many of us share. I am not small but working out to lose weight. I have hair where I wish it would not grow so I try my best to keep it off. Hope to start electrolysis someday. My voice is deep and will never be a higher tenor. But I slip into my dress, put on my makeup and take the top off my Jeep and go for a drive and enjoying the air blowing up my skirt.

I suggest looking at the posts here and you will find you are among people that need you as much as you need them.

Take care, Hugs
Heather

Hi Jaqueline. 

Being transgender is not easy.  I really do not know what it would be like to be a cisgender male or female.  But I do know two things:  1)  That after 50 years, being male just was not working for me no matter how hard I tried; and 2)  All the problems I experienced with being transgender came from other people wanting to cause problems -- not from me.

It still shocks me just how many people in this world want to appoint themselves to a police function the minute they "catch" you doing something "different."  And the reality is, your body, your business, and what you do is none of theirs.  There are basically two kinds of people in this world -- the ones who know this, and the ones who, after you come out to them, feel not only entitled to have an opinion, but to force it on you as a rule of law.  Avoid those kind of people.  They will violate your boundaries any way they can no matter what you do.

I was in the position of knowing my parents were manipulative people who did not love me long before I realized I was transgender.  I built a support system outside of my biological family a long, long time ago, and it has stood me in good stead.  You may need to do the same.

Now, about your body:  Hormones can literally do miracles.  I had all the same feelings you do, and I did not expect much when I started hormones due to my age.  A few weeks in, and I got the shock of my life when I looked in the mirror, and saw an amazing thing.  The hormones were literally turning me into a girl!  I felt like a fairy tale princess from whom a huge curse was lifted.

If you want to be inspired, go to Youtube and watch some transformation videos.  They are easy to find.

Start small if you have to.  Grow your hair.  Shave off body hair.  Get some nail polish, perfumes, makeup, clothes.  I spent a year dressing female without hormones, and I was glad I did, partly to be sure I wanted this and partly to find my style.

But most important, find happiness in the little things.  You will find your way.  You will get there.

Hugs, Carly

Hi Jaqueline,

This site exists to help each other. By bringing your problems here and asking for help, you are helping us to fulfil the purpose of this site. If we can say anything that helps you feel better then you bring us pleasure rather than the opposite. Please, never feel bad about unloading your issues here. We WANT to help.

In that vein, "God doesn't make mistakes." Well if you(or anyone) really believes that then you must believe that god made you and when he did it wasn't an accident. He created you just as you are with all these feelings. That can't have been a mistake. He is challenging you to be happy as the person you are inside and you've come to right place to start that process. He must have guided you here. He is giving the people around you the opportunity to accept you as you really are. As the person he made you. Just because they are failing his test right now doesn't mean that you have to. Their attitude is just another part of your test. It is also possible that those who are unsuportive now will realise their failure in the future and come round.

I must declare that i have no religion, but the logic of the above seems sound to me.

Hugs

B

Don't think of it or yourself as a mistake.  You aren't.    The condition is a challenge to overcome, I'll take this one over pancreatic cancer, or even narcissistic bi-polar without even pausing for a second thought.

From bio/evo standpoint, its just a point on scatter plot from the wide variety of possible; there are no mistakes because there is no individual purpose.

deist pov: God doesn't make physically perfect humans, he makes humans with challenges to over come, and a great variety in lifespan; many naturally die even before they make it out of the womb.  Not an accident.  Its variety of experience.

Either way, you aren't a mistake, you are just you.

Jacqueline - firstly, don't think that you need to apologise because we're all here to either look for help & advice or to give it.

I've only been a part of this community for a few weeks but I've learned a lot that may be of help:

1.  It's not easy being TG and many here would far rather they weren't
2.  You're not alone and many have similar struggles to you
3.  Transition isn't a black & white issue and there is a full spectrum of possibilities - from full surgery to androginy to part time etc. etc.  People do what fits with their life and circumstances
4.  Some of the ladies on this site have undergone spectacular transitions but the majority are happy just being themselves.  In particular, please bear in mind that we don't all look like our avatars - some are aspirational, some what we'd like to be in another life, some were taken decades ago and some are computer enhanced.
5.  Not everyone close to you will approve of your plans.  It's difficult for spouses who often feel betrayed by the revelation and it's difficult for parents who see their hopes & aspirations for their son (or daughter) blown apart.
6.  Talking to sympathetic people (either in the real world or in cyberspace on sites such as this one) is a big help and can help you rationalise your thoughts.
7.  Gender therapists can be a great help in finding your way forward.

I came to this site looking for answers as to why my dysphoria was increasing as I got older.  The advice given to me by the members here has been fantastic and, in particular, I have learned that my TG feelings may well have been caused by something in the womb and were not just some perversion I'd developed.

Overall, please remember that your life belongs to you and no-one else.  You only get one shot at life so live it as you want to live it, not as others tell you how you should be living it.

I hope this helps and good luck,

Amanda

Five months ago I didn't know anything. Today I believe I have a basic handle on it. The support on this site is outstanding. Many, many, compassionate people. When I came here I knew from a very early age I was different and I enjoyed crossdressing. After therapy and reading all the information available here I discovered myself living a lie all for 64 years. I'm not just a crossdresser I am in fact Transgender. And it all may have been predetermined when I was in the womb. Now I am on my thirteenth day of hormones. You can't wipe the smile off my face. My mind is at peace for the first time in a lifetime. I don't hate my body anymore. I'm still 6'3" with size 14 feet.  Everyone I love knows as they have seen my personality deteriorate over their lifetime to a point where I wouldn't even join the family functions. If anybody that knows me, knows. My family is my salvation. I believe with therapy, educating yourself, trial and error you will find you can be ok in your own skin. Whatever you do, don't strive to just pass. Strive to be respected and accepted for who you are. That takes a little more effort. Be a trailblazer not a spectator. Live your life, your parents have chosen their life path. Time for you to decide yours. Suicide is never an attractive alternative to life.  Good fortune, to you as I know how difficult it can be to keep your head up while so many doubts crowed your head. Sorry for using I so much but I can only relate my experience.

Please stick around, Jaqueline.  The world is a better place with you in it.

God does not make mistakes.  He made you just as you are, and you are not a mistake.  You are a beautiful person, whom God decided to make transgender.  How can that be a mistake?