I'm done with this whole trans thing. I'll always be trans, of course, but the ahole whose body I inhabit and whose personality I've been trained from birth to have aren't going away. I've never hurt myself or come as close to suicide as much as I have since I started having hope that I could actually exist, and having that hope repeatedly dashed.

I can't take it anymore, the good moments where I feel like I can actually be myself are too rare and fleeting, and I'm exhausted of fighting HIM.

I give up. He wins. I'm out.

Big hug! It can take a long time to settle in and decide who we are and how we want to live. Sometimes there's lots of twists and turns.

Hugs, Devlyn

Dear, you are still there, and you'll still be there even with the male persona driving.  Don't let him close off any doors that you might need to open in the future, and stay safe.   You may be down, but you are not out.

I don't think you really believe that because you are posting all of that here. Yes, dysphoria does get worse when you focus in on it. But it also can be relieved by taking social steps and medical steps toward your more authentic self. That's not to say it's simple or easy, especially in a society that expects you to be male or female, full stop. There's no room for someone caught in between. I hope you can find a measure of peace.

Quote from: IdontEven on August 28, 2016, 11:31:13 AM
I'm done with this whole trans thing. I'll always be trans, of course, but the ahole whose body I inhabit and whose personality I've been trained from birth to have aren't going away. I've never hurt myself or come as close to suicide as much as I have since I started having hope that I could actually exist, and having that hope repeatedly dashed.

I can't take it anymore, the good moments where I feel like I can actually be myself are too rare and fleeting, and I'm exhausted of fighting HIM.

I give up. He wins. I'm out.

I have definitely been where you are. I can tell you from experience that it helps to consider that maybe there's not one catch all solution and allow yourself to pick and choose how, when and for how long you express your other self. If you start to do this on your own terms, you'll find that weathering the bad times gets easier. I think what always bothered me most about my dysphoria was issues of control. When I felt out of control, when I felt like the world was dictating when I could express myself, I got depressed. When I make decisions and I make the rules, I feel much more at ease.

Quote from: IdontEven on August 28, 2016, 11:31:13 AM
I'm done with this whole trans thing. I'll always be trans, of course, but the ahole whose body I inhabit and whose personality I've been trained from birth to have aren't going away. I've never hurt myself or come as close to suicide as much as I have since I started having hope that I could actually exist, and having that hope repeatedly dashed.

I can't take it anymore, the good moments where I feel like I can actually be myself are too rare and fleeting, and I'm exhausted of fighting HIM.

I give up. He wins. I'm out.

That is so sad...you are so right this sucks bigtime. I just spent the last 48 hours having a really difficult battle with my family. The outcome of which was horrible. But I had to sit and think really hard about why I was doing this, what was going to happen to me if I stopped or even tried to go back. Why should some other external force take away my happiness.

I don't know what was the catalyst for you feeling the way you do or wether it wasn't just one thing ...maybe a series of things. When things get really bad for me I stop trying to make decisions for the future and start concentrating on today or the next hour or 1/2 hour or minute. I do hope you are able to resolve whatever is causing you to feel the way you do.

Big Hug
Liz