Hi all
Long-time lurker here who's finally worked up the nerve to make an account and then make a post (I guess that's the hard part done, right?
).
I'm dreadful with this introduction stuff but here goes - I'm 32, pre-everything and ID as a femme trans guy. I've felt discomfort with my body since I was a child, but never really understood what it meant. Despite feeling that I didn't have the body I should have (a feeling I vaguely articulated to myself as simply "the one I've got is too female") - I didn't think that it meant I was trans as I like nailpolish and wearing eyeliner and my (admittedly limited) familiarity with trans issues was formed from the traditional media narrative that being a trans man meant I couldn't possibly be into anything society considered feminine. Stupid, I know!
Rather anticlimactically, a couple of months ago I was reading a novel featuring a non-binary trans man as the protagonist (I tend to read a lot of LGBT* novels, but had never read one about a trans man character before now)... and finally it just clicked. I felt like I was reading my own life story in a lot of ways, and I ended up re-reading the book another three times as soon as I'd finished it.
I guess my journey is still just beginning - I've been finding out as much as I can and the more I find out, the more I realise I don't know! I'm now out to my partner and my sister but not to anyone else. I honestly don't feel that transitioning (even socially) is an option as my family, while loving, would not accept it (they won't even accept me being bi and are very much the type that see only what they want to see - as my partner is a cis man, they are clinging for dear life to the fantasy that I'm obviously heterosexual and will at some point settle down, grow my hair long and have kids just like they did).
My partner loves me and we have a healthy relationship, but he isn't supportive of me transitioning medically as he doesn't want to be outed - he's bi but isn't out and works in an extremely homophobic environment, so doesn't want to lose the safety of passing as straight. I think he's still processing it and doesn't know what to feel or think.
So yeah - I've been feeling very alone, very depressed and feeling like there's not much of a way out. Have also been feeling very angry at the people in my life and have been avoiding my family quite a lot lately. It's hard not to be hurt and to not feel that people won't accept me as I truly am. I'm a bit of a workaholic and am fairly (well, very actually LOL) socially isolated so I don't really have anyone else to talk to about all of these feelings and questions and associated stuff - I don't want to dump it all on my partner as he already feels I talk about it too much (I know my family and partner are probably coming off sounding quite awful here but they're not; it's just hard to phrase these things in a way that doesn't come across like I'm making excuses for them)... anyway, I'm hoping that by being a more active participant on this forum (instead of just lurking in the shadows) it might help somewhat in alleviating my current feelings of despair and hopelessness... and it'd be great to make some new friends as from what I've seen, the folks here are all very nice.
So - that's my introductory word-vomit, apologies for the mess but a little sawdust will cover that right up!
Looking forward to getting to know everyone better and learning more.
