Hello everyone,

"You can be everything you want! Just go and work hard for it!"
I think this sentence from my mom, back when I was 16, quite screwed up my life.
At that time I was numb, unhappy, and with constant distress. I was born male (today I feel female, and it's a recent discovery).
I wished to be like my other male friends, without all the distress and stuff.
So, I said to myself: let's do it! I want to improve myself! Let's be successful!
I started doing the things boys do, chasing girls, farting, hanging around until late at night, drinking.
All this, not caring about my feelings: they have to change, I said to myself.
Then I went to University, I took a degree in Computer Engineering in 5 years, I started working, then I decided to go abroad.
But still, I was not good, I was unhappy, I was completely lost, and mostly felt "fake".
Then I discovered that "feeling" was the key.
Now my life is completely messed up. But it was not my mum's fault. Neither mine.

So, does the sentence "You can be everything you want!" even makes sense?
Maybe yes, if you're sure about what you "feel".
And me? I really wished to be a boy?
Did I enjoy that, even partially?
Does this makes me a kind of "drag-king"?

Thanks everyone.
Kisssssesss,
M.

Being honest with yourself and with your true nature is first requirement to be what you want.

But in a sense no, Im not into that kind of philosophical chaotic stuff. Your nature is an unavoidable constraint, thats why you "failed".

Hello Wednesday,

thanks for your reply.
Yes, I understood what you said. You have to be sure about what you want, and what you want is strictly related to what you feel, or "your nature".

I imagine my point here is very extreme: of course you should feel, more or less, and "more or less", tentative/fail/other tentatives towards different ways is a healthy behaviour.
Mine was not healthy.
The doctors who took out gender dysphoria as a illness from DSM-IV were right: gender variance is not a illness, but it can cause other kinds of psychological problems. Anxiety, distress, depression. And non-functional coping mechanisms.

What a mess...

I think the line "Be careful what you ask for because you might get it" applies in this case. Far to often in life we thing we know what we want only to discover the truth much latter. The good news is that I think you now understand with is important to you and are on the path to obtain it.

In my case it took a very skilled therapist to help me get past my perception of myself to find my true self. Having found the authentic me, life is so much better, even with the challenges and negatives of changing gender with relatives and friends that thought they new, and loved, me for many, many years. I always hesitate to offer advice. There is so much that is unique to you. I do know that denying your true self and being what you are not is so hard , stressful, and unhealthy.  Best wishes. Just hope that you have someone who loves and cares for you with you on this journey.

It's just something people say. There are limits to the sentiment. But when it comes to trans issues I was surprised to discover just how much trans people out there could and have achieved "being everything they wanted to", or as close as possible to. I had thought before I knew more about the topic that results were probably going to be very limited and off putting. But they aren't.

I've experienced that mor in the form "be careful what you wish for because you will surely get it"

OP, what you relate seems to be the classic late onset trans story; not knowing what I wanted I strive to attain competence feeling inadequate until I did. When I was a teen I also set in motion some wishes grounded in growing up in the turbulent '60s and lo and behold those created a career path that I achieved long after I'd forgotten my original motivation.

So along with dealing with a path I'd forgotten, I eventually came to realize I was happiest in feminine role and appearance and that that gaining of competence was in fact rooted in needing to pass as male. I'm not sure I ever passed in my own mind but I had pursued about every hypermasculine achievement one could imagine.

To one of your questions, I'm indeed glad of the things I have learned along the way. I've had a highly varied career and been successful at pretty much everything I've tried and then learned I can still do those things and often better as female.

Now that I'm transitioning I'm realizing a 20 year old desire that I was quite careful about wishing for and I'm glad to be heading that way. I won't ever be a successfully binary chick, I will however be a feminine nonbinary post-op.

To answer your topic question, at nominally 2/3 through my lifespan I've achieved ever thing I ever wanted and more. 20 years ago transition looked like the one desire of my life that wouldn't be attainable and while I still have some feelings about wanting to present as passing female, transition is far more attainable than I'd hoped to dream.

Hello everyone,

thanks for your replies.
Dena, Gracie, T.K.G.W., SadieBlack, you are very nice and helpful. I really appreciate your point of view and sharing of your life.
I think I also experienced the "be careful what you wish for because you will surely get it", which always caused immediate distress, which I tried overtime to put away and label as "fear", which is totally normal when you are young.
But yes, time will give me the answers.

Thanks everyone, again.