I find myself torn. My wife and daughter had a long talk and needless to say, the or else talk came up. Instant dysphoria and depression has hit.. Basically, If I don't go back to the way I used to be, my daughter never wants to see me again and I am sure my wife had something to do with it.  I am torn, I love my family, but I can't stand the thought of going back to the old me. What should I do? So confused.

Josie Ann

Above all else, be true to yourself.

But -- let's do a benefit/burden analysis.  What do you get if you give in to them?

1)  You live the rest of your life in regret.
2)  You live the rest of your life knowing you gave in to blackmail and extortion.
3)  Neither one of them will ever respect you again if you give in on something like this.  They are already showing a misplaced sense of entitlement and a total lack of respect.
4)  How good are things going to be between you, your wife, and your daughter if you give up your transition?  Really?  Do you honestly want to attend birthday parties, etc. with you always carrying a dark secret?  And feeling resentful every time you look at a pretty woman and wish you were her?
5)  Don't be manipulative with yourself and pretend that what they are "giving" you in exchange for what you are giving up will ever be equal to the way things were before.  Can you overcome the resentment you will feel knowing that they took something priceless from you and in exchange gave you something you were entitled to anyway but in worse condition than it was before?
6)  You will be basically surrendering complete control of your life.  You will be giving them "snoop rights" over every little thing from what kind of underwear you wear to whether the aftershave smells a little too sweet.

And yes anyone who will threaten to never see you again or put a child (even an adult child) up to it will mistreat you like that.

But let's try it this way:  If someone stole your car and offered it back to you in exchange for everything else you own, would you take the deal?  I wouldn't do it.  But it is your life, not mine.

Oh, dear.  I've been in this spot, and it is a tough one.

Think back on how you felt before you came out.  Now, picture yourself in that state, knowing that you have forever given up hope of even finding the relief you have today, and will be in that state forevermore.  Is it worth living like that for yourself in order to relieve your wife and daughter of their discomfort?

I can't do that to myself.  I wouldn't last a week.

Unfortunately the transition can bring out a side of people we may not have believed existed. Going back to the way you were is no long possible because you can't stuff the discomfort back in a box and forget it exist. Your options are to continue to live with the discomfort in your old role until it destroys you or to be true to yourself. We can't make this decision for you but you will have to weight the price of your sanity against the value of keeping your family something like they were before. They may not realize it but now they know, it will never be possible for them to fully return to the old life either.

Dear Josie Ann,
   How old is your daughter?
   My first thought is if you love someone you don't put conditions on that love. That said, you are the only one who will know what price is too much to pay. If this is truly your choice, either way you will pay an awful price. I think I would be working as hard as I could to change the rules of the game. I'd be thinking about how things will look in the future. Will the circumstances change and affect how you are able to live your life?
Moni

I was given the same choice. I could not live with the demands. I had to do what I needed to do. They are welcome to stay with me. The divorce papers are due Sept 5th. My daughter and wife said they will not be seen in public with me after FFS.

I was given the ultimatum after seeing Dr. McGinn in February 2015. At first my wife said I could get my hair corrected, Adam's apple shaved , an orchi, express at home, go to group and therapy but that was it. That was stifling. Then 2 weeks later she took everything back except group and therapy. It was June 2015 I merged on I76 in front of a tractor trailer about 75 - 100 feet going about 40 mph and stopped. I did not look in the rear view mirror, there was horn blowing, he must have had an empty trailer, he stopped. The next day I called HR and arranged a meeting. I was going to come out at work and express and get procedures.

I was told I am selfish and destroying her life. My daughter said I am dead to her. My boss set up roadblocks. HR was skiddiest to go against my boss. The Diversity department were deer in headlights. I was in the middle and all I knew I was coming out.

I started telling people at work and telling HR and my boss I did so. At a meeting he said stop people will find out. I almost laughed. I agreed when he gave me the go ahead to come out. 11/13/15 I came out and expressed. Friday 11/13/2015 my wife contacted a divorce mediator. We came to agreement. Neither of us could live as things were and both needed to be ourselves.

You have a very difficult decision. When I made my decision I exceeded my ability to cope. Soon after I went on anti-depressants. I could have hurt innocent people because I could not make a decision. In the end I made a decision. I express at work and do not think about it anymore.

honestly, in my experience, as much as it sucks losing someone, it sucks a lot more having to pretend to be someone you're not your entire life, but that's something you have to determine for yourself. how happy will you ever be without transitioning? I know for me the answer was even when I had my life relatively in order otherwise, dysphoria still made me a suicidal wreck. I actually just wrote some stuff on this topic: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,213749.0.html

Remember though, however your family might be making you feel, getting yourself treatment for a medical condition is not selfish. I mean damn, maybe if you like don't provide for your kid and spend all your money on transition or something, but that doesn't sound like what you're doing. The selfishness is definitely on their end, as they're essentially saying they don't want you to get well because things are more comfortable that way for them.

And if your partner doesn't appreciate you for who you actually are, what purpose are they serving in your life anyway? And like CarlyMcx pointed out, if they respect you this little now, how much less will they respect you if you give in? How back to normal can things really go? How much is your wife even going to be able to see you/respect you as a man, knowing that it would just be a facade you keep up for her? It also sounds like she is encouraging your daughter to turn against you too, which is messed up regardless. And that may just be immaturity on her part, she might eventually make more of her own decisions and educate herself more and accept you later on. who knows? but the idea that you're ruining their lives by fixing yours is completely bogus and I want to make sure you know that.

and like HappyMoni said, real love is unconditional... I mean really, my mother beat the ->-bleeped-<- out of me when I was young and I still have a relationship with her. Your kid should be able to get over you being trans.


Mod Edit:Language

Thank you everyone. After talking with my daughter,( who's 28), she stated that She did not want me to dress in anything but guy clothes around my grandkids. She also wants me to get a hair cut, because I look like a girl... Well duh, anyways, I do need to get the dead split ends off so I will get it trimmed Friday. As far as my wife, she is bipolar to begin with so I normally have to figure out if it's her mood talking or the real her that I know. I will continue to transition, but I will know more by November 29th when I get my yearly bonus. We will either celebrate as normal, or I might have to rethink things then. All your inputs have helped slot, and I will be discussing this during my next therapy session this Friday. Thank you all.

Josie Ann