(Probably going to be long. Sorry about that!)

This might get a little depressing, but I hope it won't. I was really down the past few days, but today I seem to be doing okay. Hopefully that will keep this a bit lighter, but the subject matter is still painful for me, and I am sure some here can relate. I am not so much asking a question, as I am just getting things off my chest. I joined Susan's in the hopes of finding some kind of outlet, some kind of support and friendship. It is the only thing I can have right now, and I really need it.

Last month I came to the realization that I am trans. I never really thought about it before then. I have always been a strong supporter of the LGBT community. My mother and sister are both lesbians, and I myself am pansexual, but I lean more towards men, always have. So I have never had any problem with transgender. I used to not fully understand transgender people, because I didn't think I was. I couldn't understand what that feeling was, how it came about, or anything. I accepted the trans community of course, because why wouldn't I? I have never been the kind of person to hate someone based on something they can not help.

Last month though, I started reflecting on myself and my life. Somewhere along the way I started questioning myself. I found this site and things started to click. I looked at several resources, several stories, and viola, I figured it out. It wasn't easy to figure it out of course. I am 29 years old. I am currently married to a heterosexual cis male and we have two children together. We've been married for seven years, going on eight. The more that everything clicked, the more I realized I had to tell him. I told my mother and sister first, and they were supportive. Then I told my husband.

He wasn't supportive. He claims that I am doing this for attention. That being trans is the new "in thing" and that I am just jumping on the bandwagon. Which is ridiculous, I am not a child that jumps on bandwagons, and I certainly don't believe that being trans is an in thing at all. If it was, then there wouldn't be anymore social stigmas against it. I tried to explain everything, but he wouldn't hear it. He all but told me that if I go through with anything, then we're done. He just kept repeating that he is not attracted to the male form at all, and that I was wrong.

So what did I do? Well after two days of him barely talking to me, I decided to fold. Told him he was right, and went back to putting on a happy face. It isn't ideal at all of course. The feeling hasn't gone away. I still feel wrong. I still want to be Trent, not who I am. I did okay for a few weeks. Kept myself busy, told myself to just take things one day at a time, and see where I was in life later on. Anything can happen, and right now just isn't the time for it.

I still hold by this thought. Right now I can't do anything. My dysphoria isn't so bad that I feel I need to do something about it right now. It has its days. I am a heavy person. I was watching something about someone that was getting in shape, a man that I really admire and look up to (Adam Lambert) and it kind of triggered some dysphoria for me. I want to lose weight, I want to be healthy, but the very idea of losing weight and looking like I would look, isn't what I want. I don't want the curves and slim body of a female. I want the flat stomach, biceps and pecs of a man. I can't obtain that in this body. I find myself getting jealous of men that have that, because I can't. I need to lose weight for health reasons, but my dysphoria makes me not want to. I can't get motivated to even try because I know what the end result will be. When I think about myself, if I were transitioning and could achieve the body I want, I feel motivated. I know I could do it if I was just able to let the true me out.

So, here I am. Unable to be me. I don't know for how long. My husband has a year and a half of school left. I am thinking of revisiting this when he is done. I don't want to add to his stress.

I don't want to lose him. I might anyway.

My dysphoria has possibly given me massive amounts of social anxiety and depression, to the point where I can't hold a job. I currently rely on my husband to support me and our kids. If he leaves, I have no idea where I would go, or what I could do. I have to think of my children before I can think of myself at this point. I don't know for certain if he will leave entirely. Perhaps as time goes on, and he sees that I still feel this way in a year, he might come around, he might finally believe me and just want to see me happy and healthy. I hope.

Until then I have music, the many male characters that I write on some on-line roleplaying forums, and the many male characters I can play in video games. It is the best I can do for now. I created a new Facebook account under the name I feel should be me, and have joined and liked several trans groups and pages. That in conjunction with being here, gives me an outlet as Trent. I think that is what I need. It seems to be helping.

Anyway, thanks for listening. It got a bit ramble-ly, but I wanted to properly introduce myself and my situation.

You don't have to choose between completely round and completely skinny; and you can build a good amount of strength in a female body, you just don't get quite the hypertrophy response of a body that has T.    Lifting with the guys, doing heavy, low rep lifts,  might be something to try after you get the weight closer to a midpoint.   Dropping fat weight will translate into an easier time doing squats and other power lifts too.

You really can take control and choose as you wish.

You're right, and it is something I have considered. I don't really approve of the thought though it seems. I find myself not wanting just a small bit of the end goal, but the full thing. Maybe I am even subconsciously using my weight as a crutch, as it keeps me from looking like the idealized version of a female. I have considered losing some weight to at least get to a healthy point. Not being healthy won't do me any good if I ever do get to transition. Just getting motivated is the hard part there.

Most docs will have a seriously hard to prescribing what is needed if you aren't in good health.  I'll also let you in on a little secret.   Once you start losing weight, slowly and steadily (1lb / week), your blood work numbers will start to look pristine and will remain so for the entire duration of the weight loss period. 

OTOH, if you do start the medical transition, which do you want to work on most, losing weight, or building muscle mass.   Because building muscle mass on a caloric deficit diet is just about as close to impossible as it gets.

All good points. I know that if I get to the point where I know that transition is possible, I will be taking the steps necessary to lose weight. Until then it is a struggle, and one I am trying to overcome. I would definitely be losing the weight first before I started working on muscle mass.

Trent,

Are you seeing a therapist at the moment? That would be the biggest thing I would suggest. Whether talking about your desires to fulfill a transition to the true you or about issues left unsaid with your SO.

If you are concerned about taking care of your children, you must take care of yourself as well. Depending on their age, they may not have the words for it but all kids get tension, resentment, awkwardness, self hate, anger... you get the idea. You also have to care about your body to stay healthy.

I sound like a know it all. Sorry. I am not fully out myself. One of my three girls and my wife knows.  The others are the ones who taught me what I said about kids above.

I know I am approaching this all from the opposite direction but dysphoria does not seem so different. Just the triggers are.

Yes, use the site as a place to unload. However, in doing so you may get advice too. It is not easy but it has helped many of us to proceed to where we should be.

I have heard of spouses saying things like this. My own wife has said something similar. I have found constant communication is better than hiding it away. There are times for breathing and silence and times for an uncomfortable conversation. My wife will tell you she is not a lesbian. However, we have been married for 25 years before I came to this conclusion. She will also imply that maybe it is not so hard. It is me and I am the one she fell in love with.

It does not always work out the way we want. Sometimes it works out how we need it.

Head up. Continue to ask questions.

With warmth,

Joanna

PS I hope I wasn't just rambling non sense. This was my 2000th post and a big one for me. Take care of yourself.

This I understand. I wasn't in great health for a few years, and I kept wondering why I didn't have the will to really whip myself into shape. Eventually I understood. Despite the fact being healthy and slim is always good, I knew what I was going to see. Skinny arms, legs that still look fatter than they should be, ass that still looks bigger than it should be, and the dreaded chest. Well, no... my arms, shoulders and traps happen to be unusually muscular even for someone who hadn't started T from my days working out as a teen and swimming and I guess that muscle memory. But it doesn't help the feeling that you're heading toward a "female" form and that crushing your motivations.

It's still a good idea to lose weight though, for longevity and possible future transition should you decide to go for it. Things can look better following surgery if you've got yourself in trim to start with. And T and a good workout routine makes it entirely possible to get the upper body looking 100% male and offsetting some of the lower pelvic 'prominence' (it can be managed as to be unnoticeable). I was surprised as hell to see what a motivated transman can achieve with a female canvas to start with. Knowing it's possible makes a hell of a difference.

At present I have to get myself in permanent shape as I'm about to go on the hormones and it's less advisable to be above healthy weight with T. Having made that decision and waited 2 yrs to get this far I feel very motivated now to make a permanent change of lifestyle and habits.

As for the response of your partner - I got the same answer to a degree. I've been with my cis male SO for 10 yrs and his answer was that there's no way he could ever be intimate with a man, even if he's been intimate with that same freaking man for 10 years already. I was lucky enough that I'm ok with platonic relationships and he wants one here on in, a platonic friendship co-habiting arrangement. In your case, maybe time will tell. Maybe there'll be an opportunity to speak about it more and expand his view - although in my situation, discussion of trans matters while he still feels there's a reality of loss really gets us nowhere. The loss will need to be seen and acknowledged as my body changes before it will be truly accepted. For now the topic always makes someone feel glum. And it's really not surprising - most everywhere I've looked tales from FTM tell of cis male partners being generally more inflexible than not on gender. My SO claims that he's not against my transition - he simply isn't wired for intimacy with a man and I also feel it inappropriate to expect him to try to overwrite his wiring, as it would be to expect me not to follow mine.

At this point your partner sounds in denial and dismissal stages. Once they realize you're serious and will follow through they might well follow the pattern than my partner does, which is that the nature of your relationship will change, but it could still be salvageable in another form such as platonic. Depends what you want and need too of course, and how understanding or not they may have become by that time. But I really would not hold breath for him to change his view on male-male relations.

I appreciate the discomfort of being dependent on someone else. There have been times when I also did not have the financial autonomy behind me to support doing whatever I wanted without facing homelessness, and someone was kind enough to support me in those times, someone I didn't feel it was right to upset. Nonetheless if you are sure of your transsexuality, then transition should really be in your future to help you mend and get the life you want. You owe it to yourself no matter how upset someone else is, to be what you are. Many people wait a very long time before acting and they often seem to regret that decision. At this point it sounds like you've recently put the puzzle together and seen what is possible, and maybe you're feeling like you wish you could do something about it right now and maybe you're hoping the longer it takes the better while you deal with it. I felt both - I wanted to act ASAP but also not, because it meant losing the partner I have as a partner. The process is often long winded and takes years though, so depending on where you are and what your options are you may want to begin making some plans now, such as getting in better shape, working toward financial independence in whatever way you can, and determining what your next moves will be if your partner does wish to break contact. Motivation isn't easy, but I think it helps to go register this problem with a GP and start the process of speaking to therapists and whatnot. Once it feels "real", that something is actually happening, it can be the kind of motivation you need.

   

Quote from: Joanna50 on August 31, 2016, 03:10:56 PM
Trent,

Are you seeing a therapist at the moment? That would be the biggest thing I would suggest. Whether talking about your desires to fulfill a transition to the true you or about issues left unsaid with your SO.

I am not currently, no. I am really unsure on how to see one. I haven't been able to find one in my area, and then it would be a lot of secrecy (more than I already have) going behind my husbands back to see the therapist. I wouldn't be able to tell him without outing myself again. Which isn't an option at this time.

Quote from: Joanna50 on August 31, 2016, 03:10:56 PM
If you are concerned about taking care of your children, you must take care of yourself as well. Depending on their age, they may not have the words for it but all kids get tension, resentment, awkwardness, self hate, anger... you get the idea. You also have to care about your body to stay healthy.

I sound like a know it all. Sorry. I am not fully out myself. One of my three girls and my wife knows.  The others are the ones who taught me what I said about kids above.

My kids are currently 5 and 6, still pretty young and have no idea what transgender means. I plan to tell them everything when I speak to my husband about this again. I am hoping that they will still be young enough to not hold any anger, but old enough to understand.

Quote from: Joanna50 on August 31, 2016, 03:10:56 PM
Yes, use the site as a place to unload. However, in doing so you may get advice too. It is not easy but it has helped many of us to proceed to where we should be.

I appreciate the advice, I really do. I feel I need it, even if I can't follow it yet.

Quote from: Joanna50 on August 31, 2016, 03:10:56 PM
I have heard of spouses saying things like this. My own wife has said something similar. I have found constant communication is better than hiding it away. There are times for breathing and silence and times for an uncomfortable conversation. My wife will tell you she is not a lesbian. However, we have been married for 25 years before I came to this conclusion. She will also imply that maybe it is not so hard. It is me and I am the one she fell in love with.

Yeah, I actually have a plan now for my husband. Right now is the time for silence for us, but it won't be for long. He has a year and a half left of college. He has managed to keep a 4.0 for the last 5-6 semesters doing a physics and computer science degree. I don't want to add to his stress. So I will be telling him again when he graduates. I will be approaching the subject, telling him how I feel and that it hasn't gone away. I think at that time, I want to start living as a male, as far as my appearance, clothes, pronouns, everything goes. Then after a year, I want to start T. Maybe that will help him too, seeing it slowly happen, but with my birth given equipment, before I get top surgery and T start changing everything.

Also, you didn't ramble. Thank you for talking with me.

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on August 31, 2016, 05:23:35 PM
This I understand. I wasn't in great health for a few years, and I kept wondering why I didn't have the will to really whip myself into shape. Eventually I understood. Despite the fact being healthy and slim is always good, I knew what I was going to see. Skinny arms, legs that still look fatter than they should be, ass that still looks bigger than it should be, and the dreaded chest. Well, no... my arms, shoulders and traps happen to be unusually muscular even for someone who hadn't started T from my days working out as a teen and swimming and I guess that muscle memory. But it doesn't help the feeling that you're heading toward a "female" form and that crushing your motivations.

It's still a good idea to lose weight though, for longevity and possible future transition should you decide to go for it. Things can look better following surgery if you've got yourself in trim to start with. And T and a good workout routine makes it entirely possible to get the upper body looking 100% male and offsetting some of the lower pelvic 'prominence' (it can be managed as to be unnoticeable). I was surprised as hell to see what a motivated transman can achieve with a female canvas to start with. Knowing it's possible makes a hell of a difference.

At present I have to get myself in permanent shape as I'm about to go on the hormones and it's less advisable to be above healthy weight with T. Having made that decision and waited 2 yrs to get this far I feel very motivated now to make a permanent change of lifestyle and habits.

Yours and rwOnnaDesuKa post have definitely helped me find some motivation already. As much as I don't want the feminine body, I do want to be able to start T and have things fit into place like they should, when the time comes. Losing weight takes time, and so starting the weight loss process now, gives me something to do until I can tell my SO.

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on August 31, 2016, 05:23:35 PM
As for the response of your partner - I got the same answer to a degree. I've been with my cis male SO for 10 yrs and his answer was that there's no way he could ever be intimate with a man, even if he's been intimate with that same freaking man for 10 years already. I was lucky enough that I'm ok with platonic relationships and he wants one here on in, a platonic friendship co-habiting arrangement. In your case, maybe time will tell. Maybe there'll be an opportunity to speak about it more and expand his view - although in my situation, discussion of trans matters while he still feels there's a reality of loss really gets us nowhere. The loss will need to be seen and acknowledged as my body changes before it will be truly accepted. For now the topic always makes someone feel glum. And it's really not surprising - most everywhere I've looked tales from FTM tell of cis male partners being generally more inflexible than not on gender. My SO claims that he's not against my transition - he simply isn't wired for intimacy with a man and I also feel it inappropriate to expect him to try to overwrite his wiring, as it would be to expect me not to follow mine.

At this point your partner sounds in denial and dismissal stages. Once they realize you're serious and will follow through they might well follow the pattern than my partner does, which is that the nature of your relationship will change, but it could still be salvageable in another form such as platonic. Depends what you want and need too of course, and how understanding or not they may have become by that time. But I really would not hold breath for him to change his view on male-male relations.

Yeah, it is hard place to be. I also can't be mad at him for not being wired that way. I understand. It makes me sad, it really does. I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I can't be angry. Some people can't see past gender, and it isn't really something they can help. It is harder for me to fully understand it, because I know if I were in his shoes right now, and he told me he was trans, I would still love him. Then again, I have always associated with being bisexual, and then I am trans, so I am far more able to deal with something like this then he is.

I am not against a platonic relationship. I would want that over nothing. By the time I finally tell him again (1 and a half years from now), we will have been in each others life (in some fashion or another) for over nine years. It wouldn't feel right not having him in my life. We have kids together too, and that means something to both of us. I am still going to love him, and I just hope that he will still love me, even if the sexual parts of our marriage completely die out. I can live with that. It would obviously prefer that we stay intimate, that would be the best outcome, but I am not putting any money on that. So my second best outcome would be the platonic version. At worst, I lose him, in every possible way. I do not want that, but I know the longer this goes on, the more I am going to need to take care of myself.

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on August 31, 2016, 05:23:35 PM
I appreciate the discomfort of being dependent on someone else. There have been times when I also did not have the financial autonomy behind me to support doing whatever I wanted without facing homelessness, and someone was kind enough to support me in those times, someone I didn't feel it was right to upset. Nonetheless if you are sure of your transsexuality, then transition should really be in your future to help you mend and get the life you want. You owe it to yourself no matter how upset someone else is, to be what you are. Many people wait a very long time before acting and they often seem to regret that decision. At this point it sounds like you've recently put the puzzle together and seen what is possible, and maybe you're feeling like you wish you could do something about it right now and maybe you're hoping the longer it takes the better while you deal with it. I felt both - I wanted to act ASAP but also not, because it meant losing the partner I have as a partner. The process is often long winded and takes years though, so depending on where you are and what your options are you may want to begin making some plans now, such as getting in better shape, working toward financial independence in whatever way you can, and determining what your next moves will be if your partner does wish to break contact. Motivation isn't easy, but I think it helps to go register this problem with a GP and start the process of speaking to therapists and whatnot. Once it feels "real", that something is actually happening, it can be the kind of motivation you need.

   

Thank you for this. Really. I am going to start working out today. I have a year and a half before I can talk to him again, that is plenty of time to lose weight and even start muscle training. So when I finally can start letting my true self out, I will better fit it the way I want. I will be better in shape for starting T and getting my top surgery. I never thought of it before, I just assumed it would be better to start once I came back out to him. But you are right, starting now is the best and it is definitely motivating me. My end goal is far off, but it is better than sitting around waiting. It has made me happier too, already.

They ask for a series of therapist sessions - par for the course of them weeding out any people who have issues or problems that are not actually trans-related, or people who aren't sure enough to do it, but if you've established this timeline before that it's a good period of time to healthily manage your weight loss and fitness goals before you take the plunge. Losing too much weight too quickly can be a problem, you want to reduce slowly and steadily and give your body/skin time to deal with its change in size, at the same time it's good to start building your muscles and fitness up to help it along. 

As I've started doing this also, I began looking into various ways of maintaining a healthy diet and lifestyle, as it appears to be more important with a body on T to manage cholesterol levels and heart health and so on. One thing I did find out is that low-carb diets but with no limit on protein are not only really good for general health, but they help with the "mind fog" and general fatigue that can come of depressive conditions or states of mind. After a week or so of the low-calorie "flu" (a dramatic name and a joke compared to actual flu, I can assure) I found that my mind was much more alert and responsive, and I didn't slump into food comas and other things after big meals. It really improved how I felt in general, too. Maybe try it and see if it not only helps you with your physical goals but with your mental goals.

I just approach it all now as I'm serious about my new life, or my new lease of life I hope that will come of transition, and I really shouldn't need to find comfort in food or inactivity and so on like I so often used to because I was so ticked off with the situation. Making permanent life changes for the better just seems like all part of the plan that hopefully one day soon will give me my life back.

I actually know of the low carb diet. My husband and I started it years ago. The problem is that we keep falling off. lol! I eat really well during breakfast and lunch, but then dinner just ruins it all. Definitely something I am going to stick closer to now though.

I also exercised today! Nothing too excessive, because I need to start slow. Fifteen minutes of Zumba, and then a ten minute exercise with a kettle-bell.

Definitely try telling him again.

If you try to pretend that nothing's wrong, neither of you will be happy (I know from experience). I know it's hard, but you have tell him as if you were ripping off a band-aid.

This may or may not be useful right now but you can get really strong even without T.  Last fall I was working with a woman that was around 25.  She was around 5'5" or so and looked to be in pretty good shape, maybe 130 to 140 lbs I would guess.  She also competed nationally  in  Olympic weightlifting.  So I asked her how much she deadlifts and it was 305 lbs.  That's a lot for anyone and more than most men can lift.  She did work extremely hard for it though.