Alright where to start here......
As a child growing up I lived with a single parent who I now realize suffered from a borderline personality disorder. This impacted me for a long time growing up and made me have very odd views on the world. It wasn't until recently at the age of 23 that I finally got help from a therapist to deal with the guilt I felt about my childhood. I wasn't much of a social person, I'm far from an alpha male etc and I've been pretty lonely and desperate for a girlfriend for a long long time.

This part is where I will get a lot of hate I'm sure. As a young teenage around the age of sixteen I became involved with TS porn and it's been that way ever since. At this moment in my life just last week I reached a breaking point where my feeling of loneliness hit an all time low. Now, I've reached a very scary point where I look at women and all that nervousness I felt talking to them is like vanishing because I feel as though my attraction to them is evaporating. I'm not sure what has brought this on and a part of me wants to believe that this is due to an overload of just pornographic material in general.

So at this point right now, I'm starting a 90 day thing where I don't participate in any sexual activity of any kind. I'm HOPING this resets my brain and I can regain a stronger sense of my male self but I cant shake in the back of my mind that it could be something else. Things involving women have always intrigued me and I've always kinda felt odd feelings at time but nothing has been as severe as it is now. Let me state this now, I am really really hoping my switch flips after these 90 days and I can feel like a 100% dude (Which I havn't felt like this in maybe over 10+ years or so...)

I do not at all under any circumstance want to be trans and it's not something that you choose. I can see that now from the fear that grips me each day as I feel a pull towards that as if the only way to regain my happiness in life but I'm hoping its not that. I guess this comes off as pointless considering my 90 days arn't even up yet but I just had to tell someone or at least type this out.

I will say at this moment I've been using my non porn time to at least prepare myself if things do end up down that road, like researching things, watching youtube videos on matters, and I've even started saving some money on the side. Maybe I'm just over reacting and it's just my brain finally gone kaput on chemicals being released from what can only be classified as severe chronic masturbation (which I might add I actually have been using as a way to make myself feel happy at times or even better remove any of those trans minded thoughts that have crept up over the years.)

Anyhow my rant is over I really like this site and will continue to use it for however long I feel I need to because the support and stories here are nice. All I can say right now is I have no idea what the future will hold at all......

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am not sure what to say to because it's not clear to me if you are transgender. If you are, you will feel uncomfortable in your current gender role and you will desire to alter it in some way. This could be as simple as cross dressing to a full transition.

Your story suggest that if you are transgender, it might be suppressed and you may not be aware of it. Testosterone isn't compatible with the transgender brain and your interest in porn isn't unusual but again, it's not an indicator of what you are.

I would suggest you consider contacting a gender therapist who can guide you through the self exploration process. In the mean time I am going to give you a couple of links that will explain what we are a little better. The first link is our WIKI where you will learn the various ways ->-bleeped-<- can express it's self. The second link  is "the transition channel" where you will learn more about transsexualism. Feel free to post any questions on this thread.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

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Quote from: Syuas on September 01, 2016, 01:49:06 AM
Alright where to start here......
As a child growing up I lived with a single parent who I now realize suffered from a borderline personality disorder. This impacted me for a long time growing up and made me have very odd views on the world. It wasn't until recently at the age of 23 that I finally got help from a therapist to deal with the guilt I felt about my childhood. I wasn't much of a social person, I'm far from an alpha male etc and I've been pretty lonely and desperate for a girlfriend for a long long time.

This part is where I will get a lot of hate I'm sure. As a young teenage around the age of sixteen I became involved with TS porn and it's been that way ever since. At this moment in my life just last week I reached a breaking point where my feeling of loneliness hit an all time low. Now, I've reached a very scary point where I look at women and all that nervousness I felt talking to them is like vanishing because I feel as though my attraction to them is evaporating. I'm not sure what has brought this on and a part of me wants to believe that this is due to an overload of just pornographic material in general.

So at this point right now, I'm starting a 90 day thing where I don't participate in any sexual activity of any kind. I'm HOPING this resets my brain and I can regain a stronger sense of my male self but I cant shake in the back of my mind that it could be something else. Things involving women have always intrigued me and I've always kinda felt odd feelings at time but nothing has been as severe as it is now. Let me state this now, I am really really hoping my switch flips after these 90 days and I can feel like a 100% dude (Which I havn't felt like this in maybe over 10+ years or so...)

I do not at all under any circumstance want to be trans and it's not something that you choose. I can see that now from the fear that grips me each day as I feel a pull towards that as if the only way to regain my happiness in life but I'm hoping its not that. I guess this comes off as pointless considering my 90 days arn't even up yet but I just had to tell someone or at least type this out.

I will say at this moment I've been using my non porn time to at least prepare myself if things do end up down that road, like researching things, watching youtube videos on matters, and I've even started saving some money on the side. Maybe I'm just over reacting and it's just my brain finally gone kaput on chemicals being released from what can only be classified as severe chronic masturbation (which I might add I actually have been using as a way to make myself feel happy at times or even better remove any of those trans minded thoughts that have crept up over the years.)

Anyhow my rant is over I really like this site and will continue to use it for however long I feel I need to because the support and stories here are nice. All I can say right now is I have no idea what the future will hold at all......

Hi Syaus
Just having a read through your post and I have to say I am trying to work out what you are telling us. That you had a nasty upbringing, Like TS porn, recently you have had difficulty becoming attracted to women, You are abstaining from any form of sex for 90 days, you have "always kinda felt odd feelings " towards women.

I am going to try and read between the lines here, are you saying instead of looking at women as an object of desire you are now thinking about what it would be like to be the woman?

This is something you have thought about in the past? but now consider it seriously

I am not sure about the 90 day thing as to what that will do apart from make you incredibly irritated and horny. As far as proving one way or another that you are trans...well I hate to burst your bubble but I think that is highly unlikely.

If you are thinking about putting money aside then you have thought about proceedures....

So lets have another look,

You currently present as a male but think you may want to have some procedure/s(that is why you are saving money) to be more like a female...Is that kinda where you are at? But you are wondering if you are trans...

Masturbation makes no difference, it is not relevant to the argument. The very first day I got my first computer I looked up trans stuff and what do you reckon I found...loads of porn..unfortunately it is hugely popular and you can't miss it, in most cases you have to wade through it to get to the real stuff if you use the wrong search terms. Again not relevant to your gender.

I hope I have understood what you are trying to say...if I messed it up I apologise.

Liz

You've talked a lot about fears you are trans but you haven't talked about dysphoria and you haven't talked about urges to dress. Do you have those and you're afraid to voice it?

As far as urges to dress go when I think back I think maybe they have been there in small forms but I've just kinda ignored it. I've recently had desires to paint my nails and also I've considered bras but I've just thought it was a new fetish I've developed. As far as a therapist goes yeah, I'm going to go for that in a few months if this all continues but I really really want to make sure it's nothing else. I live in the South in a very very non accepting family so if I end up going down this path it's gonna be one I have to keep to myself for at least a year-2 years.

Also when I meant saving money I meant saving it for therapist, doctor visits, and ofc the eventual drugs you have to buy. I think I should add I've also been having trouble looking at my own reflection in the mirror lately and this is really new like I don't know I just don't like what I see for some reason.

 I  don't think you're being very realistic if you think 90 days are going to change 10+ years of thinking.

What parts of your reflection don't you like? Gender related or general lack of self esteem due to loneliness? What are your thoughts in front of the mirror. You should mentally record those.

Syuas,

Welcome to the site. I hope you don't feel overwhelmed by the series of comments. I think we are used to seeing one of a few patterns. We are also typically very interested in helping people out. We have a lot of members from all over the place, many ages, all along the trans spectrum and many experiences. Additionally, we try not to hate here.

There does seem to be many areas between binary (male or female) and transsexual(trans gender people who want and usually do transition all the way). It has recently been argued that few to no one is fully binary. As Dena suggested, the trans banner covers a lot of area, and we're not even talking sexual orientation.

Gender vs Orientation is often described as "Who you want to go to bed as vs Who you want to go to bed with". While in our complicated brains there are sometimes paths leading between those, they really are separate things.

In other words. You have a lot to try and figure out. Both Dena's links and suggestion to go to a therapist are really great ideas. I know it sometimes takes a while to get an appointment(all the more reason) but I would highly suggest you set one up with a therapist as soon as you can. Not wait a few months.

This is a bit like Alice's fall down the rabbit hole or entering a complex maze. It is not easy.

I wish you love, acceptance and luck.

With warmth,

Joanna

Hi Syuas, welcome.

The 90 day famine, will help a little with any habituation you have (it takes 20-30 attempts serially for a habit to develop or be broken), but I feel that there is a deeper issue that you are starting to look at and think about.

Because of your current situation, it sounds like you feel these issues are in the realm of 'unthinkable' in your current circumstances, but seeking guidance from a therapist, will help explore them in a structured, and confidential manner, and they will help with the maze of fetish vs orientation vs identity.

As every life is different, everyone's story is different, so there is no 'one true trans narrative'. However, at some point something has arisen in our lives to make us ask questions of ourselves, that are difficult and uncomfortable and not in directions that we had assumed we would be going in.

What is then consistent afterwards, is that we are better able to make rational our lives up to that point. What was odd, and irrational, may suddenly have a simple explanation, and a good therapist will help you explore safely.

Sno

To me it sounds like standing in front of a train and thinking you're going to stop it. Suppressing your feelings is just going to make you angry and it's not really the path you want to follow. As far as parents go they chose their life and are following the path they have chosen. Now it's your turn. At 23 you should be thinking about leaving home anyway. Why not relocate to a more friendly place?