i know so many friends on facebook most of them are trans or people that support the lgbt ...most of my friends already started testosterone and had the top surgery...i'm the only one that didn't start yet cause of my problems....the problem is people don't treat me as a man i mean even my trans friends they told me i'm not a man yet cause i still didn't start my transition...even my gf she is pretending that she respect me as a man but i heard her use the wrong pronouns when she was talking about me with her friends and when i asked her she told me your gender is what u was assigned at birth...you are a F till you have a surgery or start T then i will use the male pronouns and she told me to stop pretending being someone i'm not ...i'm tired of all that and the most shoking and painful part is my trans friends they r trans too but they don't respect me...i feel less than them and not enough...i'm sad i always was...

People in groups have a group-think mode that is hard to get passed.   If everyone in your group has already begun some level of medical transition, you not participating can feel like you're invalidating the group's collective consciousness; like you think its a mistake or something.

Its really hard for a group to respect individual variance.    But these steps are so profound, I don't think anyone should move along just to fit into a group, only move when you are ready, if you even decide to move to another step or not.   

That doesn't make your experience any less valid; we all have to deal with if and how to move from "not really an X and miserable" to "not quite a Y, but more comfortable and able to lead a life worth living."   Where each of us moves that dial is an intimately personal decision and bound by the health limits of the body we came with.

On the other hand, if you're not making the step to T because of group hazing, don't let them get in your way, do what YOU need, even if it allows some to say, "told you so.".

I'm so sorry! I can't imagine how painful that must be. And I want you to know that you are the only person who knows you. People try to box us and label us constantly but try to remember that they're the ones with the problem not you. What might be harder is knowing whether or not you want to be around such binary people who don't accept you. Sometimes we get into a rut with people because we think we won't find anyone better, or don't deserve better, but I want you to know you can and you do. It may take some time and vulnerability but you've already been through some of that, and these "friends" haven't respected you and your vulnerabilities. Love to you bro!

Sorry to hear this. You should ask them if they enjoyed being called female pronouns before starting and if not; why do they want to cause that pain for you. I think both them and definitely your gf need to be educated more on trans people. Trust me; it's possible to find someone who completely accepts you as you. You don't have to put yourself through emotional distress waiting for them to treat you ddcently.

Ask them if they were not trans before they started hormones. Remind them that you are dysphoric too. Trans is a medical condition and not everyone's treatment calendar is going to look the same.

I wonder if this cruelty is because they are trying to excise the female out of themselves and you represent everything they find hateful right now. If so, it's a case of overcorrecting, because all of us eventually need to integrate our personalities and embrace the male and female inside of us. This isn't a florid way of saying "why transition at all then?" but rather an acknowledgement that gender is not about extremes. Just because a very primitive part of your brain is screaming "I am a man!" does not mean that the more mammalian and primate parts of your brain might not be much more androgynous. It's this fear of androgyny or outright femininity that drives a lot of male anxiety and male culture. And it's completely stupid. Most folks figure that out eventually.

I totally understand how you feel as I too haven't been able to transition or take testosterone due to ill health and family matters,I am now in my forties and when I would have been able to take steps to transition physically there were far less opportunities to do so,this doesn't make me any less of a man than others who have been more fortunate to do so as its what's inside that counts. These people should know better and show you some respect and support and not get so cocky about themselves as they too might have to stop in their tracks if something went wrong with them. I can understand the non trans community's attitude towards us but not from people like ourselves,it is damn right disrespectful and heartbreaking for us. Hang on in there dear brother,there are many like us and you're not alone in this world.


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Hey phoenix,

That's really sad. I'm so sorry that your "friends" are treating you this way. It's incredibly disrespectful and not understanding at all. You would think that as they are also trans, they would be more understanding...

Maybe it's time for some new friends? When people who are/were my "friends" begin to disrespect me, invalidate me, or betray my trust on a continual basis that's when I begin to evaluate the friendship. After sitting down and thinking about it, sometimes I realise these people aren't true or good friends at all. I either tell them to hit the road or just stop talking to them.

No amount of "friends" are worth it if they're making you feel sh**ty. I've lost a lot of friends due to careful consideration and the realisation that these people are bad for me. You're a strong person and you can and will make it through this difficult time.

Take care of yourself pal,
0searching0

Definitely time for some new friends. If you haven't already, I would have a talk with these people and let them know that their behavior is unacceptable. If they still refuse to correct themselves, it's probably time to move on.

I don't know anything about your relationship with your gf - but I know that for myself, I wouldn't stay with someone who didn't see me as a man, no matter what stage in my transition I was in. I don't need undermined like that. And I'd say that you don't either. As for your friends - they don't sound worth keeping either.

that's crazy. if your friends are also trans there's no reason they shouldn't be more understanding. AnxietyDisord3r made a lot of really salient points, so I don't have that much to add, but yeah, man, you do your transition in your own time, as it's your life. if you're trans, you're trans, it doesn't matter what you've done or haven't medically, so don't let them make you feel "less than" about that.

That's unacceptable behavior.  I suggest talking to them, if you feel safe to do so. If they are not willing to treat you with basic courtesy then it's time to cut ties. I cut ties with someone I've known since childhood because she refused to even try to address me with proper pronouns and even though I thought I would be really hurt,  I'm much happier without someone like her constantly trying to remind me of my medical issues. 

As for your girlfriend,  sit her down and tell her how it hurts you to be treated badly. If someone can't love you for who you are or is constantly trying to measure you, that isn't love. It's toxic.

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Quote from: pheonix on September 01, 2016, 08:09:48 PM
i know so many friends on facebook most of them are trans or people that support the lgbt ...most of my friends already started testosterone and had the top surgery...i'm the only one that didn't start yet cause of my problems....the problem is people don't treat me as a man i mean even my trans friends they told me i'm not a man yet cause i still didn't start my transition...even my gf she is pretending that she respect me as a man but i heard her use the wrong pronouns when she was talking about me with her friends and when i asked her she told me your gender is what u was assigned at birth...you are a F till you have a surgery or start T then i will use the male pronouns and she told me to stop pretending being someone i'm not ...i'm tired of all that and the most shoking and painful part is my trans friends they r trans too but they don't respect me...i feel less than them and not enough...i'm sad i always was...

Not to sound too harsh, but if I were you I'd end the relationship with your girlfriend. There is zero excuse for the way she is treating you. There are many of us who are not on T and still live our lives as guys and who have partners and friends who recognise us as guys regardless. If she isn't listening to you then where can this relationship go? Again, sorry for being blunt, but to me it seems you're only prolonging your own pain by remaining with someone who doesn't respect the personal things you share with them. Its not up to her to determine who you are.

As for your "friends" they all need a swift kick in the *** as far as I'm concerned. Again, there are lots of us who are trans guys who aren't on T and its doesn't make us any less guys. Personally, even though I've had surgery I am not on T at the moment and not certain if I will be in the future. But I have friends who are also trans guys who are on T and have more "conventionally transitioned" and it doesn't create any disrespect or tension between us. Neither does not being on T not allow me to live my life as a guy and who I am. Is it tough? Yeah, but its doable for sure. But one of the important things you need and that you aren't getting right now is support. Your girlfriend is not supporting, your friends are not supporting you. So instead of focusing on them and their opinions, focus on you, who you are, how you want to live your life and who you want to be, and don't let idiots get in the way of it.

Good luck to you, man, and don't listen to those idiots!

Quote from: Berserk on September 03, 2016, 11:36:51 AM
Not to sound too harsh, but if I were you I'd end the relationship with your girlfriend. There is zero excuse for the way she is treating you. There are many of us who are not on T and still live our lives as guys and who have partners and friends who recognise us as guys regardless. If she isn't listening to you then where can this relationship go?

This ^^^^
I could never be with someone who doesn't respect me. Anyone who isnt respectful can hit the road.

I can understand strangers who dont know you well not immediately referring to you as such, but friends? If its something youre serious about and you take steps to trasition as much as possible within your reach, not just holding some title for the sake of having a title, then it should be obvious to those who care about you that youre trans.

Id make a really deep and heartfelt message on facebook and try to reach out to people to let them know youre not just pretending or faking simply because you are behind the collective

Wow, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. That's really upsetting the way people treat you. I'm shocked that your trans friends would have that kind of behavior as well; definitely doesn't seem the norm.

Honestly, I've been on T for 10 months now, although I've had some friends calling me "he" for almost two years. Despite the hormones, people still constantly call me "she" and "m'aam" in public. I know they don't realize I'm trans, and I'm not going to correct strangers on it; I figured that once I pass as male, people will just naturally call me that. Until then, I'm just stuck in this transition phase. However, my mom constantly calls me by the wrong name, and talks about me to people outside the house as her "daughter". I know it's been hard on her (she only wants a daughter, not a son; hell, not even a masculine daughter), and yet again, I figure, when I pass all the time, it'll get easier for everyone else.

However, over time, I'm starting to notice the negative toll it's been taking on me mentally. At my work, I'm always called the right name, but since my boss is Chinese, she calls everyone "he" and "she" interchangeably (she mixes a lot of close words up, although her English is actually very good). I'm so used to being referred to as "she" and being misgendered by strangers, that I don't see myself as a man, or any form of it. I really don't see myself as anything at this point. What really brings this to my attention is that when people call me "he" now, I don't even register that these people are talking about me. I always think, "He who?" When I realize they're talking about me, I feel like it's only out of respect, and I know they would never refer to me as that if we were strangers. I feel so low when I have these thoughts, like I'm nothing, nobody. The sudden realization will always disconnect me from my surroundings for a bit, until I can do something to take my mind off of it. I'm constantly keeping busy simply so I don't have time to think about myself and my transition.

The point is, you need to stand up for yourself, and maybe have a heart-felt conversation with these people, before you get too far down the road and realize it's caused you to develop even more issues about yourself. Try to keep from getting overly emotional (emotional outbursts tend to make people think you're just having a moment, and they may not realize the seriousness of the issue in the long-term). Try not to push all the blame onto people, that will also probably rub them the wrong way and make them less likely to listen. Have a cool-tempered, down-to-Earth conversation with them. Explain to them what you're going through, how tough it is on you already, and how their actions are making you feel. Maybe link them to some articles online, or some YouTube videos explaining trans issues. I've found people always start to change their tone when you throw some science their way, and explain that there are biological differences in the way a trans person's brain has developed (trans men usually have brains closer to a cis-male, NOT a female's, and vice versa for trans women). If it might help, just tell them to think of you as their 16-year-old guy friend, and you just haven't hit puberty yet.

If they continue with their behavior, it really might be time to cut them loose. Especially the girlfriend; if you two break up, no matter how close you feel to her, she won't be the last girl you ever date. It may save you some psychological damage in the long run (I'm known for sticking it out in relationships that should have been over almost immediately, for years). I just got out of my first relationship since being "out", and the way he treated me has really messed me up. I'm honestly not sure how long I might be too damaged to date again. Recovery is incredibly difficult, and prevention is your best defense. Of course, always give people time to adjust, but if you just keep putting yourself in the line of abuse, before you know it, years will have gone by, and you may not even know who you are anymore.

Things are always going to be more difficult for trans people, especially if you're pre- hormones or surgery. People won't always accept you, and that sucks. But keep your head high, and realize that everything you're going through will allow you to grow, to be a bigger and better person than those around you. Best of luck with everything, I hope you can find some peace in all your relationships. Always put yourself first.