I started my ftm journey 6 months ago with my ex girlfriend of 8 years in the past and it's just been very hard for me she broke up with me 3 months ago for a cis male but since then they've ended. I spent 2 weeks with her recently and I felt hurt while taking her home the pain that I always get because I don't know if that's the last time we will see each other ever again and it hurts.. A part of me started this journey for her.. And the other part for myself but since she broken up with me I've been confused about my transition.. Since she left me for a cis male I feel that I'll never be man enough for her or for any woman possibly. She said she was going to go home and think about her decisions with being with me and possibly loosing her family because of their "wants" and "religion beliefs" for her or loosing me emotionally and being with another person she broke up with me why does she get to think things over?

After being sure of her decision when she first came over all of a sudden she seemed confused but never said the word. She told me she's coming back over next week but I'm tired of risking my pride to get hurt all over again I started this journey with her and it was good in the beginning now things has shifted and I love this girl with all my heart and soul. I fear I will never let her go... And I know I need to because this is about the 5th time she's left me for a cis male in our entire relationship I see myself married to her with a beautiful family but my vison of our future is becoming distorted, I want her to love me for me and know I'll never be cis male but what I am is a Man. I'm afraid to let her go and I'm afraid to love her and it's tearing me apart where I feel empty and lost. I want her to be happy but I feel her family won't accept who I am (they didn't pre-t either) and she's a big family lady. Her mom side of the family gets along with me well but it's her father side who didn't like me pre-t she lost her mom when we were 16(23 now) and she told me that she couldn't wait until I develop a bond with her dad and come to family events and things which I want to too! I want those things if not more than her because I know how important family was to her mom and now to her I want to make her happy but deep down I feel it will never change and that she would be doing this back and forth all our lives, how many chances do a person need to get things right and why must my heart be played with only because she's confused ?

any advice is much appreciated. 

Hi Xylon23

You and I are going in opposite directions but share the common pain that transition brings. You are in a tough situation. Your girlfriend has done this in the past, gone and come back. There is clearly part of you she just can't get enough of . What do you want to happen? What will make you happy...when you think about a future how do you see that playing out with her in it?

I don't have the answer and I have my own difficulties with my family a full year on from my coming out. I do understand how complex these things can become. It makes it hard to have to battle prejudice or even just a lack of understanding in your partners family. It may never come, they may never understand but you can keep moving forward.

Maybe it is time for you to focus on what you need, and if you really want and need this person in your life then maybe you could sit her down and telly her how you are feeling. I don't know if any of that will help. But I do hope you can get some peace with it.

"how many chances do a person need to get things right and why must my heart be played with only because she's confused ?"

Your heart should not be played with because she is confused, she need to sort out what she wants, but you can also make a decision as to whether you want her in your life and the associated problems that come with it. You can Choose not to have her in your life if that is what you want, especially if she is hurting you at the moment. That doesn't mean forever maybe just until you are feeling in a better space about it all.

Take care
Hugs
Liz

Not to sound harsh but you need to let her go. It's not fair or healthy that she keeps toying with you and it's sort of emotionally abusive. My ex gf meant the world to me but we broke up 3 times during our relationship. I partly wanted to be with her because it made me feel normal and wanted; because who would love an ftm guy. But we weren't right for each other and that isn't the basis for a healthy relationship. Deep down I've always known that but my love for her made me push that truth away.

You will find someone who loves you for you. You don't have to be with someone and live in a perpetual state of being fearful that she'll break up with you again.

Thank you for your response and the time you took just to reply.

Elizabeth, what would make me happy is to be with her honestly but my fears still remain I see her capable of being my spouse most definitely I do but only to do right by each other I don't want to be hurt in love. I've told her a million times and one how much she means to me and I'd tell her again but I'm tired of fighting for her as if I hurt her it seems the only time she fights for me is when I actually move on, she does everything to contact me. Lastly that's what's is hard.. Letting go of everything and leaving everything in the past which I want to but I'm afraid of loosing her too

I agree with Elis on this one. I'm sorry to tell you this, but if she's already left you 5 times, she's not the right woman for you. You may love her with all your heart and soul, but clearly she doesn't feel the same way about you because if she did then she wouldn't keep leaving you for other guys. And no matter how much you may want it, you cannot make someone else love you the way you love them.

Not only that, but I can tell you from personal experience that if your partner is a 'big family' person, they'll always put their original family above you and above any family you might potentially make together. And if her family has religious or other cultural reasons to reject you, then I don't foresee a smooth future for your relationship at all. They're going to keep haranguing her from the sidelines about her 'lifestyle choices' and she's going to be torn between them & you, constantly trying to keep the peace between two warring factions. Just as you cannot force somebody to love you, you also can't force their family to accept you - and I can guarantee that parts of her family will keep trying to split you apart because they don't like seeing her with you. If she's a 'big family' girl, then she'll side with them instead of you. (How many times has she left her family? How many times has she left you? There you go.)

I'm a little concerned about what you said about a part of your decision to transition was due to her. That's fine, and I'd imagine that some part of your decision to transition was because she's primarily attracted to men and you may have wanted to fulfil that need for her. I understand that completely. But take her out of the equation. Imagine your next potential partner: a woman who loves you to pieces and treats you right. Would it be important to you to be a man within that relationship? Or would you be equally happy (or more happy) within a lesbian relationship? Would you not care either way?

The answer to that question will help determine whether you've made the right decision in transitioning. If you still feel you need to continue transitioning irrespective of what a future partner might be into, then you know you're on the right path. If you think you'd rather abandon your transition than lose your current girl, then that might suggest that you're mainly or only doing it for her, and you might come to regret it later.  How do you see yourself in 5 years' time? How do you see yourself in retirement? Would you be comfortable with being a woman?, or would that devastate you? Picture your 75-year-old self, looking back upon your life. What would you regret more: living as a woman, or living as a man? These are the questions you need to ask yourself, to help decide whether you're doing the right thing.

There's no such thing as being 'man enough'. You are already enough, however you present and however you perceive yourself and whatever parts you have. If your current girl is making you feel like you're inadequate, then she is definitely not the right one for you.

I'd walk away if I were you. This relationship can only end it tears, so you may as well rip off the Band-Aid now.

Quote from: Xylon23 on September 04, 2016, 11:35:42 PM
Thank you for your response and the time you took just to reply.

Elizabeth, what would make me happy is to be with her honestly but my fears still remain I see her capable of being my spouse most definitely I do but only to do right by each other I don't want to be hurt in love. I've told her a million times and one how much she means to me and I'd tell her again but I'm tired of fighting for her as if I hurt her it seems the only time she fights for me is when I actually move on, she does everything to contact me. Lastly that's what's is hard.. Letting go of everything and leaving everything in the past which I want to but I'm afraid of loosing her too

Yeah, red flag there buckeroo. Her interest in you in very selfish. Being with her is hurting your self esteem and sense of self. Since you starting posting about this you questioned whether ANY woman would want you. Now, you know that's not true at all! But this woman dumping you and crawling back multiple times has made you think that you're unloveable. No--it's not  you! It's her! She is not "true" and she will not be "true" in the future.

Your dreams of having a happy home life and family can still happen, but not with a person who cannot stick in a relationship for longer than a few months before running away to get freaky with somebody else. Give it up--she is not cut out for monogamy. Some people are just that way.

It's tough to find your match out there, especially if you are a little shy and a little vulnerable. There are always people looking to take advantage of you. But there are billions of humans out there so that's billions of chances.

You need a friend, an accountability buddy, who will help you say NO to continuing to have contact with her after breaking up. She is stringing you along and it's destroying you. Remember, if she behaves this way as your girlfriend she is NOT going to change just because you put a ring on it. Do you envision a future of more of the same for the next twenty years? I think not, right?

Hi,

I recommend you see a gender therapist ASAP and really delve into your transition.

I know you love her with all your heart but she does not treat you the same way. Her past will most likely indicate her future. Yu deserve to be with someone that treats you as you deserve.

gender therapist

Thank you all for your responses they're very much appreciated !

My choice of taking this route in my life was for her but also equally for me if not more than her I did know she was attracted to men along with woman pre-t and that reason helped my choice, I already went through the contemplating about living my life as male or female and I made up my decision 6 months ago my gender identity is male and that how I always felt and that's how it's going to be. I love the person I'm seeing in the mirror and that is what's making me continue my transition. Yes it's ruff but I never anticipated it to be peaches n cream I didn't however, think about her leaving me before I started Testosterone.

Her family always made her choose between me and them after her mom passed away. She stayed with me that's why they never liked me they used to try and start problems with my mother at our house just to get her back home, she had restraining orders on mostly her whole dad side including her father. We had a big discussion early in my transition on telling her dad side my about transition or not and she told me they wouldn't accept her which I already am aware of, she told me we can tell them and if they don't accept us we'd move out of state which I'm getting there hell from here anyway or don't tell them and risk them finding out which I didn't care about either but what I seen was her tearing up. It made me think if I was selfish because I don't want her to lose her family, I don't want to lose her either.


I agree I need to let her go and I Have she just KEEPS coming back mostly when I'm almost over the hump it seems and another reason to is I'm afraid to lose her in a way. I don't want to keep putting myself up to get hurt because how much more can I take I'm tired, tired, tired of it. I know I can't make a person love or understand me and that's not my intentions I don't care to be understood I just want to be respected as I am presenting myself to this crazy world.

At this point, what positive influence in your life is she, apart from your instinctive feelings of wanting to see her again? What good is she doing for you? What help is she in this already difficult time, considering she keeps running off with other people?

That would be the biggest red flag for me. Nobody is going to win my trust back easily doing that just once, but multiple times... nope, nope and nope.

That is not to say all a person should expect from a partner are things to benefit themselves, but there has to be some mutual gain somewhere. The moment it becomes all about them and never about you, and if they can't be sincere about any sort of commitment, I'd advise you to do the right thing for yourself and cut ties.