After waiting almost two years to start HRT when it came down to it i froze.  Never showed up for the blood test and delayed my meeting with my gender psychologist.  Went through the whole, what in the world am i doing, who do i think i am fooling, it's just a phase bla bla and even half believed it for a few days, that is until dysphoria hit me again and now it's probably worse than ever.  Kept going to my gender psychiatrist though who tells me that it's common for it to come and go like that and while that's some comfort, i really dislike this back and forth stuff.  Am embarrassed and disappointed with myself over this whole thing.  Sometimes i wish that the doctor could just say, yep it's official, we ran your data through all our machinery and we agree that you need to start HRT right this instant, nurse strap her down.

I've been on hormones for three months now and I have no regrets -- other than that I did not start a lot younger.

It was a very difficult decision.  In my life as a man, I have a lot to lose, and I am still doing a high wire balancing act to hold everything together. 

But every time I look in the mirror and question my decision to go on hormones, I keep returning to the inescapable truth:  That every reason I have for not being on hormones is external -- that is, it has to do with someone else's feelings, not my own.  And at my age (53), I've raised my children, been a good husband, had a 27 year career as a lawyer, taken care of my parents and siblings, taken care of my in-laws, and really, I don't owe anybody anything.

This is the first time in my life I have ever done anything that was totally for me, and I only did it after I realized that nobody else in my life has ever really done anything that was totally for me.

So, that said, I have to ask:  What is holding you back?  Is it internal or external?  In other words, does some part of you want to go on being a man?  Or is it perceived obligations to and needs of other people?

Congrats on starting your treatment Carly, am happy for you.
i think with me it's mostly internal.  We are similar in age, am 55 and i guess part of me felt i was too old to start this now, that i would never pass and such.  A fear of being more miserable than i am now.  i think the main reason though is the doubts i get when my male side shows itself. i do not see myself as a man or have any regrets of letting that go, i guess it's a lack of confidence.

Quote from: lindagrl on September 08, 2016, 04:24:09 PM
We are similar in age, am 55 and i guess part of me felt i was too old to start this now, that i would never pass and such.  A fear of being more miserable than i am now.

Passing is overrated.  Refusing to transition merely because you're afraid you might not pass is like having always wanted to play the violin, but refusing to start because you're sure you'll never be a virtuoso.  Can't you just enjoy making music?  Can't you just enjoy being more yourself?

Besides, transitioning is like learning the violin in that it takes time.  It doesn't happen all at once.  And if you don't like it or it makes things worse, you just stop.

Quote from: Asche on September 08, 2016, 06:55:02 PM
Passing is overrated.  Refusing to transition merely because you're afraid you might not pass is like having always wanted to play the violin, but refusing to start because you're sure you'll never be a virtuoso.  Can't you just enjoy making music?  Can't you just enjoy being more yourself?

Besides, transitioning is like learning the violin in that it takes time.  It doesn't happen all at once.  And if you don't like it or it makes things worse, you just stop.

i shouldn't have mentioned passing because it's not a deciding reason why i hesitated.  i've been transitioning for few years, it's not really like i can turn back if i wanted to and i don't want to.  i know i am going to start the HRT, i am just being difficult 

May I ask how passing is overrated? Not being misgendered all the time, knowing that when most people look at you they actually see a woman, feeling alot safer on the street, doesn't sound like it can be overrated. 

If you put things in order, the most important thing is to eliminate dysphoria. Anything else that comes along with that is gravy. I know there are times that I haven't passed but because I didn't go to dangerous places, the people I was around treated me well and not passing wasn't mentioned.

Quote from: JMJW on September 08, 2016, 07:27:41 PM
May I ask how passing is overrated? Not being misgendered all the time, knowing that when most people look at you they actually see a woman, feeling alot safer on the street, doesn't sound like it can be overrated.

I'm in the overrated camp, too. The whole "passing" concept only serves to reinforce a rigid gender binary. Ain't no one got time for that. I don't have a preferred gender box I'm trying to fit into. I give the world MY presentation, part man, part woman, and how they receive it is not important to me. I feel perfectly safe on the street.

Hugs, Devlyn

My thought process goes along the lines of swinging between hope and despair.

When I'm in despair, I just completely shutdown all other thought and think about how I would be better off dead. How I would be nothing more than a mere imposter, even if I did some sort of treatment to imitate what others have had their entire lives.

Every-time I see someone who isn't passable, it simply adds to the anxiety about what could be wrong. Every-time I see an article relating to transphobia or discrimination, it all comes back. All I see is a future of darkness. I'll either dig my own grave or someone else will dig it for me.

Hopeful is when I start lying to myself about how everything would go right and stack on a number of delusions. Or outright ignoring facts. I know exactly what I want, but I also know that people want a lot of things and most of them will never happen.

...If only it was simpler describes it well.

Quote from: lindagrl on September 08, 2016, 03:35:19 PM
After waiting almost two years to start HRT when it came down to it i froze.

I had a similar experience when my first appointment arrived and I nearly canceled too.  But I had to wait 40 days and 40 nights just to get my first appointment. No lie. That happened.  Good thing I had a great gender therapist to talk to before I did cancel.  55 years is a long time to deal with the "should I or shouldn't I." Believe me I know.

The way I approached it was this: 'Ok. I'll just go and get the blood tests just to see if I even qualify.  No harm in knowing one way or the other if I will even be approved for HRT therapy or not. I don't have to do anything with it. But I really do want to know one way or another so I can at least have that information when I finally do make my final final decision. '

Then I thought:  "OK.  I can do it on a trial basis. If I don't like it after a couple of weeks or a month I can discontinue therapy.  Believe me. NO ONE is going to be standing over your shoulder every day saying "YOU MUST TAKE YOUR Spiro and Estrogen PILL TODAY!!!!" It just doesn't work that way.  It's not all or nothing. If you get your results and want to wait. You can. If you want to stop. You can. If you want to start again. You can. As many times as you want.  In the end, it's all you.

During my last gender therapy session before I finally reported for duty at the clinic as a fully-fledged transsexual,  I told my gender therapist that I wasn't 100% sure that I wanted/needed to transition.  One thing she told me that helped was, "No one is ever 100% sure that transition is the right thing.  If you wait for that 100%  certainty you'll never get there." And she was right.

But once I started HRT all the doubts and fears just melted away and, I know it sounds trite, but I really did start to feel more comfortable living in my own skin.  The myth of transgender regret is just that. A myth.

Good luck, be patient with yourself. You will eventually figure it out.

Quote from: JMJW on September 08, 2016, 07:27:41 PM
May I ask how passing is overrated?

I sometimes do get mistaken for a cisgender woman.  It's nice when it happens.  But on some level I think, so? I'm a trans woman. I'm proud of that. I have climbed over too many mountains of pain and grief to earn the right to be an out and proud trans woman.  I don't care who knows.  I deliberately wear blue and pink accessories to broadcast that I'm trans.  I try to be safe at all times but if I get in a bad situation, it won't be the first time I've had to fight.  I WILL protect myself. And I will not let the rest of the society make me feel there is ANYTHING wrong with me.

Jane;Emily, thank you so much for your reply, i found it very helpful indeed.  So nice of you to take the time and share that with me. It was really something i needed to read. Hugs to you.

It's strange, i love to write, can collect and express my thoughts on all kinds of subjects, me included but once i
start writing about my transgender situation i clog up and the words won't come and my feelings go
all over the place and it's like i am trying to paint a picture of the wind.

Different opinions on the importance of passing.  i am 190cm tall and that pretty much ensures that i will
always be seen as a transgender woman, so that solves that problem, that's the reality i will have to adjust to.
Sometimes i get looks from ladies that mean much to me, a knowing smile and within it a certain acceptance and
a degree of sisterhood.  That's pretty much my greatest happiness when i encounter that, to see so clearly how much
more i have in common with the ladies than the men.  i tell you, scenes like that keep me buzzing all day and filled with gratitude.

Quote from: lindagrl on September 08, 2016, 03:35:19 PM
Sometimes i wish that the doctor could just say, yep it's official, we ran your data through all our machinery and we agree that you need to start HRT right this instant, nurse strap her down.

That's the part you have to do for yourself. Fortunately at least in the US once a test is scheduled you can go to the lab any time. I'd think wherever you are rescheduling lab work should be relatively easy.

As for passing, I have a daughter who's 185 cm, she passes fine :-). I have no intention of passing generally and I'm not sure which locker room I'll elect to use after GCS but I look forward to that conversation with the facilities management :-). Ok I like to be a trouble maker sometimes.

Quote from: SadieBlake on September 09, 2016, 06:55:41 AM
That's the part you have to do for yourself. Fortunately at least in the US once a test is scheduled you can go to the lab any time. I'd think wherever you are rescheduling lab work should be relatively easy.

As for passing, I have a daughter who's 185 cm, she passes fine :-). I have no intention of passing generally and I'm not sure which locker room I'll elect to use after GCS but I look forward to that conversation with the facilities management :-). Ok I like to be a trouble maker sometimes.

That's true but diagnosis and then logical next steps is a nice fantasy.
Am sure that the blood test is waiting for me when i make the trip down there but i am going to
make sure when i see the head of the program on the 19th.

i think the way i want to approach this now is to not get my hopes up about passing but going through with this anyway.  i enjoy going swimming, i will approach the locker room issue when the time comes. 
Trouble maker?  That makes two of us.

Quote from: lindagrl on September 09, 2016, 06:10:11 AM
Different opinions on the importance of passing.  i am 190cm tall and that pretty much ensures that i will
always be seen as a transgender woman, so that solves that problem, that's the reality i will have to adjust to.

There is a problem with 190 cm? I measure 188 cm and my  height has never been a problem. Over the years there have been CIS women that I could see eye to eye with and there were a few that towered over me. Should you doubt that, I buy my  clothes from Long Tall Sally's and I am sure they are selling to more than the transgender community.

Th8nk of it this way- almost nothing in life that is good comes without hard choices. There will always be that little shadowy voice of doubt, but in the end, only you know why you got on this path. It's perfectly normal to remind yourself why you are who you are. Only fools don't doubt their decisions. I can see from your posts that you already see past that doubt. The next step, the only step that's left is a resolve. And a happy life! So don't hesitate and go for it. You know why 😊

Quote from: lindagrl on September 09, 2016, 06:10:11 AM
Hugs to you.

Thx. I love hugs.

Quote from: lindagrl on September 09, 2016, 06:10:11 AM

Sometimes i get looks from ladies that mean much to me, a knowing smile and within it a certain acceptance and
a degree of sisterhood.  That's pretty much my greatest happiness when i encounter that, to see so clearly how much
more i have in common with the ladies than the men.  i tell you, scenes like that keep me buzzing all day and filled with gratitude.

Those are allies and they are the best.  And I know what you mean. Some women are just so loving.  They remind me all over again of why I want to be a woman.   And people in my life who know who I am and still accept me are the only people I'm interested in having in my life.

That reminds me of a quote from Jane Austen's Persuasion.
"My idea of good company is  . . . '
'You are mistaken,' said he gently, 'that is not good company, that is the best."

Quote from: Dena on September 09, 2016, 09:12:52 PM
There is a problem with 190 cm? I measure 188 cm and my  height has never been a problem. Over the years there have been CIS women that I could see eye to eye with and there were a few that towered over me. Should you doubt that, I buy my  clothes from Long Tall Sally's and I am sure they are selling to more than the transgender community.

i will believe then but if it happens that i pass i think i would be stunned

Quote from: SidneyAldaine on September 09, 2016, 10:27:22 PM
Th8nk of it this way- almost nothing in life that is good comes without hard choices. There will always be that little shadowy voice of doubt, but in the end, only you know why you got on this path. It's perfectly normal to remind yourself why you are who you are. Only fools don't doubt their decisions. I can see from your posts that you already see past that doubt. The next step, the only step that's left is a resolve. And a happy life! So don't hesitate and go for it. You know why 😊

Starting this thread has done me good, i am coming to terms with this in my own time, am glad i have done it that way, i was not comfortable starting then.  i really like your post, it's upbeat, i need upbeat and a yes you can do it girl.
Thank you kindly

Quote from: Jane Emily on September 10, 2016, 12:56:57 AM
Thx. I love hugs.

Those are allies and they are the best.  And I know what you mean. Some women are just so loving.  They remind me all over again of why I want to be a woman.   And people in my life who know who I am and still accept me are the only people I'm interested in having in my life.

That reminds me of a quote from Jane Austen's Persuasion.
"My idea of good company is  . . . '
'You are mistaken,' said he gently, 'that is not good company, that is the best."

Well i think those are the best, classy dames i say, something to aspire to.
Beautifully put Jane, thank you so much