So this is my first time on here. My first time doing a lot of things actually. I recently told my bf about the feeling Ive always had that I was "missing something down there." Its not that I feel like Im in the wrong body as so many describe it. It almost feels as if it were taken away from me sometime before I remember.
But heres where I start confusing myself. I NEED my penis back! But.....I also feel certain that if I were to fully T I would feel just as incomplete with out my "lady parts" i.e breasts, vag etc.  I honestly dont know what that makes me. I almost feel like a wanna be hermaphrodite if that makes sense to anyone else but me.
Im 33 years old, and I have always been what my VERY judgmental family would begrudgingly called a TOMBOY. I am sexually attracted to both men and women equally but really have relationships with men. I don't really have a "feminine" side, but Im also not what ANYONE would describe as a man either. Im not sure that having a penis would change that much. But I DO  know that without it I feel incomplete. My boyfriend bought me a packer because he knew how badly I needed to just FEEL it, and nothing ever felt so right. Which is only even MORE confusing.

Someone please help me!!!! What the heck am I and how do I allow myself to just DO IT??
thanks in advance, Jewel/Julian   

You sound non binary to me which has many different terms under it. Here's a brief summery http://nonbinary.org/wiki/Main_Page. The human brain is complex and doesn't work in just black and white; same with sexuality, gender expression and gender identity.  Some people want to have either bottom or top surgery to make themselves more comfortable, while others need both. Some people like fem clothes while some people feel more comfortable in masculine styles and vice versa. Some feel a mix of different genders while a small per cent feel completely binary.

I think the 'trapped in your body' thing is a harmful cliche perpetuated by the media. Many trans people rather feel they're trapped in other people's perceptions of their body. For me I feel 10% agender and the rest male (a type of demiguy). My body is genderless. Since starting T I don't really have much dysphoria about my body. I feel like I'm missing 'something down there' but I'd feel like I'd miss my female parts. So bottom surgery doesn't appeal to me  but that doesn't make me less of a man nor does it mean I haven't 'fully' transitioned. I'm happy being genderless. I'm more comfortable in fem clothes; but not all nb people are (another harmful stereotype).

For now I think you should try not to worry about trying different labels to see what fits. You should also check out thenonbinarynetworkblog on tumblr and beyond the binary (a uk online nb magazine). I hope I somehat helped.

Hello. I'm Dennis, Jewel/Julian's boyfriend. I just felt the need to post a reply.

Jewel told me about this issue about 2 years after we met. I completely understood what she meant. I'm probably one of the least judgmental people you'll ever meet. When she told me about it, it sort of "lit a fire" in me, sparking interests that I'd never had. I've only ever been with women. We purchased a strapless strapon to see if it would give her what was "missing". She did enjoy the sensation of it, but because money was tight, we had to buy a cheap strapon, which was, ummm, horrible. It ended up sitting in the toy bag for over a year now, used only the one time.

Fast forward to last weekend. If it could have happened, it did. We both did things that we had never done, but those didn't work out great. That got us talking, though, talking about our fantasies. She brought up the "missing" pieces again, so we started looking on the web. We found packers, which I hadn't even heard of before. We saw a few that seemed to fit the bill and planned on ordering one. I also suggested a better strapless and said we'd stop at an adult store the next day, which we did. Well, their price was 2x what I could buy the same one online. While we were looking, though, we found a soft packer in the store. The size seemed perfect and it was cheap (under $20). So, we bought it, along with a tight pair of mens shorts we could adapt into a harness. It was perfect.

Myself, being a straight male, could not believe the difference I saw in her. She wasn't just excited for trying something new, she was HAPPY. She looked incredible, and, seeing the lifelike bulge in her pants, it drove me wild. The rest of yesterday was just that - her new penis. OMG!!!

As you can tell, I'm more than supportive for her. I want her to finally be happy, to be herself, to be the person she's always kept hidden.

Hey, it's great to hear you're so supportive. You could look into getting a stand to pee device as well. It helps me with that 'missing piece' feeling better than a packer. I

Quote from: Elis on September 08, 2016, 10:25:49 AM
You sound non binary to me which has many different terms under it. Here's a brief summery http://nonbinary.org/wiki/Main_Page. The human brain is complex and doesn't work in just black and white; same with sexuality, gender expression and gender identity.  Some people want to have either bottom or top surgery to make themselves more comfortable, while others need both. Some people like fem clothes while some people feel more comfortable in masculine styles and vice versa. Some feel a mix of different genders while a small per cent feel completely binary.

I think the 'trapped in your body' thing is a harmful cliche perpetuated by the media. Many trans people rather feel they're trapped in other people's perceptions of their body. For me I feel 10% agender and the rest male (a type of demiguy). My body is genderless. Since starting T I don't really have much dysphoria about my body. I feel like I'm missing 'something down there' but I'd feel like I'd miss my female parts. So bottom surgery doesn't appeal to me  but that doesn't make me less of a man nor does it mean I haven't 'fully' transitioned. I'm happy being genderless. I'm more comfortable in fem clothes; but not all nb people are (another harmful stereotype).

For now I think you should try not to worry about trying different labels to see what fits. You should also check out thenonbinarynetworkblog on tumblr and beyond the binary (a uk online nb magazine). I hope I somehat helped.

You just made me cry. (Not something I do very often but cant seem to stop since coming out). Everything you just said makes 100% sense to me. I would say Im probably 75% male(ish) and that has always been such conundrum to me. I mean I guess I thought you had to choose? I will definitely be checking out that link next and Im so incredibly grateful to you for reaching out. 

No problem, it's what I'm here for

Any tips besides the piece, that I can try to feel more....ummm.....I think balanced is the word Im looking for. I packer helped some but felt very disconnected mentally. I think mostly because I still feel like a chick with a  fake penis if that makes sense. (I know thats not p.c. and no offense to anyone but thats honestly the dialogue in my head). What else can I do to make it feel less costume-y?







Admin edit: Clinical terms for anatomy, please. Devlyn

Quote from: j.barry on September 08, 2016, 10:56:20 AM
Any tips besides the piece, that I can try to feel more....ummm.....I think balanced is the word Im looking for. I packer helped some but felt very disconnected mentally. I think mostly because I still feel like a chick with a  fake penis if that makes sense. (I know thats not p.c. and no offense to anyone but thats honestly the dialogue in my head). What else can I do to make it feel less costume-y?

Yeah, I don't really use packers anymore bcos it makes me feel more dysphoric when I have to remove it. You can buy realistic packers but they're expensive ofc. A binder has really helped making me feel more manly; plus wearing mens clothes and having short hair.

Really? I hadnt thought about that, but now that you mention it, it DID feel really weird when I had to remove it. So is there something that works better? Also do they have prostetics without that weird sticky feel?. I know talc helps but its a pain in the butt and doesnt last very long it seemed like.

Quote from: j.barry on September 08, 2016, 11:49:58 AM
Really? I hadnt thought about that, but now that you mention it, it DID feel really weird when I had to remove it. So is there something that works better? Also do they have prostetics without that weird sticky feel?. I know talc helps but its a pain in the butt and doesnt last very long it seemed like.

Maybe a realistic packer; it's probably best to open up a new topic for this as I'm no packer expert . Online ftm shops sells their own brands of talc powder for their packers; so it may work better than just talc.

Hi J.barry, welcome to Susan's Place! I've edited one of your posts, please use clinical terms when discussing anatomy on the site. All ages and backgrounds are welcome here, so try to keep things G-rated, please. Here are some welcome links to get you started. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

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The "special talc" is probably corn starch because talc turns out to be carcinogenic. Do NOT put talc on your toys (or anything else that will touch your body).

I've never packed, as I feel not only the act of putting it on/taking it off would make me feel more dysphoric, but I also feel like the discomfort of having to wear something like that all day when it's really just for show would bother me. I can definitely see how it helps a lot of people, but it's definitely not for me (I've finally made it out of the confines of women's underwear, I certainly don't want to have to struggle with anything else down there; I feel so free without things pressing against my unfortunate genitals). So I can't really advise you on that aspect.

Unfortunately, as has been said, gender and the brain isn't always cookie cutter. There aren't two forks in the road, and you get to pick one. Each person is incredibly individual, and sometimes, when you don't fall directly inside the perceived "norm", it's harder to figure out what you want for yourself. Sometimes, we think we know what we want, and simply haven't taken the time yet to figure out if that's our long-term goal, or a passing desire. So it's always important to take things slow, and fool around with your options, before taking steps that can't be reversed. Getting a packer and seeing how you feel about it is a great first step, and coming on here to research and talk to people will help a lot, too.

I've always felt completely male on the inside, ever since I was a child. I've already had top surgery and don't ever miss my chest; rather, I feel more freed from the female body I've been stuck with. I feel much more myself, and can't wait to see more results from T and future surgeries. I wish my body could be 100% male. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean I don't wish to enjoy female stuff as well. I see beautiful women with great hair and clothes, looking stunning, and I'm somehow jealous that I can't ever look like that. Maybe it's because I'm still so early in the transition process and still get deemed as female most of the time, but I do feel the urge to cross-dress. Maybe the more male I feel, the less I'll have these urges, but only time will tell. (I don't cross dress due to my discomfort about this whole transition process, but I'm hoping once I feel better about my male appearance, I'll be more confident stepping outside of gender norms.) I do, however, plan on doing many female cosplays in the future, along with my male cosplays. For me, I've come to accept that I want a 100% male body, but I don't mind the idea of occassional cross-dressing. I wasn't always sure that's what I've wanted, and it's taken some time to figure that out about myself (who knows, maybe I'll try it eventually and realize I don't actually like it for myself--we'll see). I've always just wanted to be a normal guy, but if it turns out I'm not, so be it. I've spent too many years denying who I am to not be willing to accept being in-between things, if that's who I turn out to be.

And I can fully understand how someone could wish to have both male and female parts. I used to be a member of a female boob-growth board (back when I tried to fight my trans issues by becoming more female), and there are a good number of guys on there who desire breasts, but don't wish to become females, and thoroughly enjoy their male parts. Just the same, there are also lots of people on here who consider themselves trans, and may take a few steps to transition, but at the end of the day, they like having a little bit of both. Some people wake up feeling male some days, and female others, and decide to dress/name themselves accordingly. There are so many things in between being male and being female, and accepting that may help you figure out just how much you might want for yourself.

Honestly, as much as I just wish I was born with the right parts, I don't ever want to get "full" bottom surgery. Very few surgeons offer this option, but you can get a partial meta (after your clit enlarges with T, they pretty much clean it up down there and make it like a micro penis). Personally, I want to keep my "extra hole" and get my urethra rerouted through my "penis" so I can use it like a bio male. Unfortunately, if you decide to keep the V open and also want the urethra moved, there is a 25% chance of failure. For me, I'd take that risk and hope for the best. Despite the fact that I feel like a man, and don't wish to have any part of a female body, it is an amazing sex organ, and without it, I worry that I will lose my sex life. Even if I were to hook up with a man who could penetrate me (meta results aren't usually big enough to penetrate by itself), I have a lot of digestive issues, and am not always eligible for *ahem* gay sex. I'm not sure if I would ever get testicular implants, as they could get in the way of accessing that hole (although I would absolutely love having them).

Keep doing your research and talking to people. Try things you've never done before. It's so great that your boyfriend is so open and honest with you. I loved that post he made, you can tell he really loves you and wants you to be the best version of yourself, for yourself. You're so lucky to have such a great, understanding boyfriend, and I really think having him to discuss these things with will help you along this journey. Good luck to you both, and take your time reading through all the wonderful threads in these forums. They'll really help open your eyes and give you a great perspective on what options are out there for you.

Yes someone can be both
its possible the label doesn't really matter it's what you feel for me i'm not comfortable with a female body
but my brain is both "Male" and "Agender" - meaning neither basically.
It always depends so if i can feel that or others can feel genderfluid or bigender then i don't see why someone can't feel like there both and also want to keep certain parts.
Completely normal.

So when I was 4 I knew I was 'supposed to have been born a boy' (I didn't have the language / terminology for it as a 4 year old plus this was 1974 lol)/
As I got older, I felt sort of 'both' but probably more 'neither' although always with more of a leaning toward male. "Tomboy" and the whole, "is that a boy or girl?" throughout.

I was read as male beginning in my teens and continued to be throughout my life, which was totally fine with me and while I had always done "male" activities / hobbies / sports, I  for the longest time just felt like "ME" without over gendering myself. I later heard the terms non binary and genderqueer which I do like quite a lot.

I've been on T for a number of years and am post op; I'm legally male (that feels better and more accurate to me) and am happy that I'm read solidly as male all the time. Now I still feel like ME but MORE ME. Does that make sense?

  So my body and brain are now congruent, but I have no qualms about being openly trans (as opposed to stealth). Anyhoo, I'm rambling on; I suppose my point is it isn't odd that you feel this way and it's all good! You don't need to fit into any sort of mold or expectation; do what makes you happy.

cheers

Wow, thank you everyone.  It means so much just to have a place to ask these things. And y'all have been super helpful. I was honestly afraid that you guys would all think I didn't belong here or something. Guess that's my own insecurities creeping up huh? I'm going to be watching and learning, and if you guys know anything else, keep it coming!

I can totally relate to feeling like a hermaphrodite. I was born intersex, so maybe that has much to do with it. My penis is shaped and functions really similar to a clitoris. It's possible that I may be able to get a vaginoplasty and keep my penis (which is what I'd most certainly do), due to the fact that I'm already intersex. Insofar as your emotions and feelings are concerns regarding your enjoyment of being a woman and wanting to also be a man too, I totally know how that is and understand that from personal experience.