I'm scared of men in my neighborhood!

Tristan · September 14, 2016, 11:17:30 AM

A couple nights ago i was taking a walk with my aunt and we walked past these two guys one of them said the simple hello to my aunt and then they said "Hello, dog" to me i realized yea i just passed as a guy and got happy for a second but it didn't last long. It took them a second before they insulted me because i didn't say hello back i have bad anxiety
so i don't often respond or i want to respond but the words are stuck so i'm assumed to be rude. It's common for me
but what gets to me is being in this new town i'm scared i'm not used to men being aggressive and very straight i'm used to talking with softer spoken guys and it sort of freaks me out to think that when i'm on Testosterone this is going to be a very common thing. I'm not a rough and tough guy, i don't want to be and i don't want to be approached and judged because i don't fit into their stereotype. I'm really scared that if a guy see's something as wrong because they see me as a guy they may beat me up or something.

There was a bunch of men inside a store i went to a couple days ago i was scared of them badly!
I just wanted to get my items and run they where very tall and some of them where strong looking
i felt intimidated and overwhelmed by them and the environment. I also fear what if i can't have a conversation with them? I like to talk a lot like females and i'm not into sports or manly things i'd rather speak about psychology or philosophy science or theory's about the universe. I'm not into speaking about girls or sports not that that's all other men speak about but i just have this image that there talks are hard core and hard to get into. Maybe i'm seeing something inside the behavior i can't put into words but i'm worried! I'm not that kind of person and i don't want anything to change, yea i'm a guy but i'm not another person altogether just because i want to be a man!
I dislike things like this its irritating and i worry to much.

becky.rw · September 14, 2016, 11:39:37 AM

Just give it time. Exposure and familiarity will do most of the work on that front.

As to your first encounter where you got insulted? In guy-speak, you insulted them first by not acknowledging with a "yo" or "howdy" (as I use down here). At least that is how they would have perceived it. Just try to pick up on what the expected response is to these encounters as they arise.

I think there's a lot of these low level behavior things that we have to learn how to work with as we transition (though I'm going the other way, the road's similar) Before, I just ooozed hostility and prickliness, enough that people would actually stop, clear their throats and grab my attention, "just didn't want to startle you.." before walking behind me in a store. (that *really* hurt btw..) Now people get seriously inside my personal space, strangers will ask me questions or offer advice or comments; really hard to get used to as I'm not at all used to saying anything to anyone or being acknowledge in any friendly way.... Someone actually bumped into me last week, and that NEVER happened before. And I'm not even presenting as female, just vaguely androgynous, muscular, but with a purse. (and a neutral purse at that).

I don't dislike these changes, btw, but it is very disorienting and confusing.

Deborah · September 14, 2016, 11:41:47 AM

Most men are not aggressive to anyone under normal circumstances, i.e. they are not being threatened.

The exception would be drunks and gang bangers. So stay away from them.

There are also intelligent men that like talking about those things you are interested in. Just start the conversation and see where it leads.

There is sometimes a pastime of exchanging insults. But that is all for humor and not threatening at all. It's also just between friends and never strangers. You do have to have kind of a thick skin for it and not take things personally. They are not meant personally anyway.

FTMax · September 14, 2016, 04:39:05 PM

I tend to avoid guys that are in groups. Numbers give people courage to say and do things that they wouldn't otherwise do if they were alone.

When in doubt, just give "the nod". No speaking required, but it is generally regarded as an acknowledgement so no one can say that you were rude or ignored them.

autumn08 · September 14, 2016, 06:41:13 PM

Since we really just see fleeting impression of one another, to alleviate your social anxiety, you can envision human perception less like that of an omniscient being and more like a mole's.

Once you establish that image and aren't afraid to move your attention outward, realize that our demeanor synchronizes with those around us, so if you securely establish a particular demeanor, others will naturally align with that demeanor. I want most people I interact with to be friendly and brief, so I muster that demeanor before seeing them, and like Pavlov's dogs, eventually even those who once greeted me folded arms, now have that demeanor anchored to me.

Tristan · September 14, 2016, 06:47:11 PM

Quote from: FTMax on September 14, 2016, 04:39:05 PM
I tend to avoid guys that are in groups. Numbers give people courage to say and do things that they wouldn't otherwise do if they were alone.

When in doubt, just give "the nod". No speaking required, but it is generally regarded as an acknowledgement so no one can say that you were rude or ignored them.

I'm going to use that next time that's a good idea and much easier to do then speaking when i'm to scared.

Rachel · September 14, 2016, 07:20:40 PM

When I was in high school dude was used as a hello and about ten other meanings. You used is or you were not communicating.

Today, hey or yo are common ways to say hello. Moving you head up at the same time you say hey or yo helps too.

These greetings are all from socialization and mean nothing about you or your gender. Don't give it too much space in your head.

What is really cool at work is that woman make eye contact with me and smile and say hi. It feels so good and I really like how I am treated. I hope you can feel good some day when greeting guys. I know I never felt good and was always leary.

Tristan · September 14, 2016, 08:13:29 PM

Quote from: Rachel Lynn on September 14, 2016, 07:20:40 PM
When I was in high school dude was used as a hello and about ten other meanings. You used is or you were not communicating.

Today, hey or yo are common ways to say hello. Moving you head up at the same time you say hey or yo helps too.

These greetings are all from socialization and mean nothing about you or your gender. Don't give it too much space in your head.

What is really cool at work is that woman make eye contact with me and smile and say hi. It feels so good and I really like how I am treated. I hope you can feel good some day when greeting guys. I know I never felt good and was always leary.

People around here don't often call females what they called me and they treated my aunt very differently
i know i passed i have no question about that.

Kylo · September 15, 2016, 07:39:44 AM

From your description they just sound like a couple of goons, who were not interested in being polite to anybody. You think they were being polite to your aunt - and insulted you for not being polite back, but would two men really want to insult a woman's companion in front of her if their intent was to be polite?

We have to be frank - men are more at risk of violence, anytime anywhere. There's this idea that women ought to be more afraid of being attacked by a stranger than men but the statistics suggest it's the other way around.

Ironically though many men are LESS afraid of violence than women because as they grow up they experience it among their peers and learn how to deal with it. If you've never been hit or physically bullied, it's understandable you'd feel quite apprehensive.

The vast majority of other males are not interested in being violent in everyday situations. Walking about in the streets at night though and you are going to encounter more of the type of men who are.

Josie_P · September 15, 2016, 09:23:37 PM

I wouldnt be too worried if you are in a public place or if there is a crowd of men. People are less likely to commit a crime against someone if too many people are around. Do not live your life in fear because that is not living. Maybe you should go to some self defense classes, it does NO good to be scared or show fear, it only feeds the antagonization. I am from Washington DC and I am an ex-felon who has been in prison twice..once in VA and once in the FEDS. You learn real quick in DC and in prison that fear attracts predators. Try your best to stand your ground with these ignorant men. But on some real ish..if a guy is messing with you TOO much..he dont wanna hurt you..he wants to do it to you lol. Thats truth though. Trust me on this one.

Drexy/Drex · October 01, 2016, 07:38:09 AM

Maybe start going to the gym ..muscle up being on t your body will develope t can cause anxiety or maybe your dose is too low, on t you should feel confident but definitely start pumping iron ....you'll love it .... and may be take up a martial art ...muay thai is good will keep you fit or you can cut to the chase and learn krav maga .... and knowing you can protect yourself will give you un told confidence anyway in this day and age a man needs to know how to fight , with this confidence you will project it around you and you'll find other men less intimidating ...trust me i know it works i was a skinny bullied kid and i did all of the above now no one messes with me , i realize from what you've said that you dont want to be too physical but it comes with the territory ....its a simplistic solution and requires some work
Hmmm the tables will be turned when i go female it will be my turn to be nervous

AnxietyDisord3r · October 02, 2016, 08:32:00 AM

It's scary to not be invisible anymore. It's hard to know what to expect. If you can find a way to project confidence, though, things will be easier. The way you do this is to psych yourself up before you go out. Create an affirmation for yourself and tape it to your door so you see it before you walk out the door.

It's okay to be scared. Maybe there is something to be worried about. Fear can focus you to find a way to walk the tightrope and escape the situation safely.

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I'm scared of men in my neighborhood!

Tristan

Tristan

Tristan