I, like i'm sure at least some others who decided that a biochemical swap was necessary to their sanity, began HRT with a different set of assumptions about the whats and hows and now-and-laters of what the body does when it undergoes the incredible task of reverting androgen scarred tissues to something resembling a woman.

Three months in now, and stranger and more curious looks from people in public are confirming what I've observed in the mirror. My body is changing. My face is changing. My hair flows. My hips sway casually. My shirt has developed "chest shadows." My voice is softer.

Perhaps the biggest change I've noticed is that my smile happens in my eyes now. A pleasant side effect, not related to fat deposition. :p

Genuine feels of happiness not withstanding, I find myself entering into a very alien experience.

I suspect it wouldn't exist, either at all or in the amount that it does if the transition experience were something as commonplace as the first puberty, but this is the world we live in.

Its the feeling of being a kind of gendered chimera. "BREAST BUDS AND BEARD SHADOW COLLIDE THIS SUNDAY!! WHO WILL EMERGE VICTORIOUS?!?! $5 GETS YOU THE WHOLE SEAT, BUT ALL YOU'LL NEED IS THE EDGE!!!"

it's ok. i know you read that to yourself in the voice.

I think you develop a fascinating perspective of the world when half of your body hair is shiny and blonde and the other half still threatens to ruin your low cut blouse look, and while your now readily visible tanner-2 tits herald you into the "welcoming" arms of puberty, they threaten to give you away while under the cloak of a button down and 5 o'clock shadow. Two worlds once kept secret from one another now nudging their noses into each other. Whats a girl to do?

It opens up a whole new psychological quandary of social expectations one is not aware of, having to intuit, and basing mainly off hearsay and assumption till further experimentation (read: "embarrass the eff out of yourself in public, probably) proves anything readily conclusive. ie: wtf is gender and what is this amorphous mystery called womanhood, and ARE there gendered expectations of androgynous people?

I dont think expectations are healthy, but we cant say we dont live in a society full of them either, especially when physical characteristics begin coercing people to expect certain things based on what body parts they see in front of them, and when planning on living at least mostly under the radar these things need to be taken into account, and i'm sure they'll be learned along the way. I'm not looking for advice, really just getting my thoughts out. Puberty is, so far, fascinating, strange, curious, beautiful, exciting, fearful, alien, and feels normal all at the same time.

/rant

"Gendered chimera"

Wow, what an eerily accurate phrase for this odd in-between state we call transition.  I suppose our bodies really are androgynous while we are in HRT but pre-SRS.  We certainly don't meet the ideological binary standard set by Western culture, and I suspect that trying to continue to meet that expectation in conflict with our own internal gender identity can give us problems.

This culture thinks "binary sex and gender" is "natural law".  Many of us have noted that Nature's real natural law is a bit different, where physical sex, and gender isn't exactly binary but more of a continuum weighted heavily toward the ends.

Whether we transitioning folks choose to stay in drab, matching our assigned birth sex in conflict with our gender identity, or choose to present as our identity in opposition to birth sex, we set ourselves up for some real problems. In Western society with it's strong binary orientation, to fit in at all we have to choose which set of problems to live with.

We can try to present as our birth sex, at the risk of dysphoria, delayed psychological healing, and the risk of loss of hope that we can one day be right.  That ends badly for ourselves if we keep it up too long, as we add the social risks of discovery and failure to pass as our assigned sex at birth, in addition to the possibility of depression and anxiety.

We can try to present as our gender identity, at the risk of discovery, being outed, failing to pass, and loss of friends and family.  That's a terrible social risk.  At the same time, we are being true to ourselves, and we know that we are physically changing to match our presentation, providing some psychological relief.  The social impact is pretty rough on us, and can be a real hit to our self-esteem.  We mitigate this with therapy, support groups, a few wonderful folks who stick by us, and the hope we can make new friends.

We're in between, caught between a rock and a hard place.  How long we stay there has a lower minimum time from needed changes we make and our learning process. The upper bound is pretty much how long we can stand staying in this odd state.

Hey SoraKat 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I am in such a similar place as you. I've been growing my hair out for a long time now, and it's down past my shoulders and wavy and amazing, very much not boyish.. no more hiding my breasts, they show through everything, t-shirt or girl's top. I am at 8.5 months HRT and I'm very deep into androgynous territory..   

Sometimes I get all done up and present feminine, but more often than not I present very neutral.. shorts, track pants, or sweats, a t-shirt or tank top, and low-key girls hoodie in neutral gray. Personally I feel like my face is now looking super androgynous.. the male tells are there, but they're not strong, and I think it's obvious to most people that I'm trans, but as to what direction, is not so easily deciphered. I love what's happening to my body, but I still don't pass as female.. even if I managed to get my face done up with a stunning makeup job, my upper body frame would give me away.. and then there's my voice, which while not terribly super strongly male, isn't into female territory yet either, but it has been improving.

It's both terribly frustrating and terribly beautiful. I love being androgynous, it has always been androgynous and trans people who inspired me through my life that it was possible, even when I was concealing my androgyny within my own mind and heart. but it's also frustrating... if I want to wear boy clothes, say to go for a walk or just to avoid standing out quite so much, how to deal with the breasts, the hair, ear piercings? Most often I leave my hair down and parted in the middle, or scrunchie it back in a ponytail and clip some stray strands.. if I'm wearing a t shirt I'll forgo a bra but if it's windy, all of a sudden I get super self conscious.. there's a building pressure and motivation to get over my fear and anxiety and present to the world as my true self, and accept vulnerability as necessary to experience a full life.. but it's hard. I finally started a part time job working as an online ESL teacher, after being unemployed for over a year, and I have to work as male and under my birthname, wear a button-down shirt and tie, etc.. so I've been REALLY feeling the gender fluidity since I'll go into that male headspace, lower my voice, make my hair look as 'boyish' as possible (difficult), and no problem, I'm him... but as soon as I'm done, off comes the shirt, got my girls tank top underneath, and I can be Aoife again. I'm really loving being in the androgynous stage but also very much feel your frustrations.. it's hard to navigate. And it's hard to feel satisfied with your presentation, because either way you feel like things aren't quite right, and you'll still stand out, just for different reasons.

exactly, Aoifej. i feel like no matter what i do i have "gender tells" in both directions. some days i feel like i pass as a transwoman, though not cis, and some days i pass as a transman. its a weird middle ground. no man's or woman's land.

On the inside I've been feeling those same ways for a good 6 years as I still present primarily as male for a variety of reasons. They can vary from weird to intensely dysphoria triggering. Fortunately, it is just on the inside for me (mostly). There is a world of difference between my male and female presentations. No, make that a universe of difference.

Quote from: SoraKat on September 15, 2016, 12:22:31 PM
I, like i'm sure at least some others who decided that a biochemical swap was necessary to their sanity, began HRT with a different set of assumptions about the whats and hows and now-and-laters of what the body does when it undergoes the incredible task of reverting androgen scarred tissues to something resembling a woman.

Three months in now, and stranger and more curious looks from people in public are confirming what I've observed in the mirror. My body is changing. My face is changing. My hair flows. My hips sway casually. My shirt has developed "chest shadows." My voice is softer.

Perhaps the biggest change I've noticed is that my smile happens in my eyes now. A pleasant side effect, not related to fat deposition. :p

Genuine feels of happiness not withstanding, I find myself entering into a very alien experience.

I suspect it wouldn't exist, either at all or in the amount that it does if the transition experience were something as commonplace as the first puberty, but this is the world we live in.

Its the feeling of being a kind of gendered chimera. "BREAST BUDS AND BEARD SHADOW COLLIDE THIS SUNDAY!! WHO WILL EMERGE VICTORIOUS?!?! $5 GETS YOU THE WHOLE SEAT, BUT ALL YOU'LL NEED IS THE EDGE!!!"

it's ok. i know you read that to yourself in the voice.

I think you develop a fascinating perspective of the world when half of your body hair is shiny and blonde and the other half still threatens to ruin your low cut blouse look, and while your now readily visible tanner-2 tits herald you into the "welcoming" arms of puberty, they threaten to give you away while under the cloak of a button down and 5 o'clock shadow. Two worlds once kept secret from one another now nudging their noses into each other. Whats a girl to do?

It opens up a whole new psychological quandary of social expectations one is not aware of, having to intuit, and basing mainly off hearsay and assumption till further experimentation (read: "embarrass the eff out of yourself in public, probably) proves anything readily conclusive. ie: wtf is gender and what is this amorphous mystery called womanhood, and ARE there gendered expectations of androgynous people?

I dont think expectations are healthy, but we cant say we dont live in a society full of them either, especially when physical characteristics begin coercing people to expect certain things based on what body parts they see in front of them, and when planning on living at least mostly under the radar these things need to be taken into account, and i'm sure they'll be learned along the way. I'm not looking for advice, really just getting my thoughts out. Puberty is, so far, fascinating, strange, curious, beautiful, exciting, fearful, alien, and feels normal all at the same time.

/rant

OMG Love this!

This is exactly where I am at being six months into HRT, I love that you make light of it, that is what we need in this time. Im so much better with it all than I expected to be, thank gawd HRT works on the brain while it works the body.

I just keep saying Im becoming a much better looking "pretty dude" at the very least

Thanks for a great post!

Sorakat,
You write very eloquently.  Thank you for capturing the essence of this experience.

Steph

OK First of all this is one heck of an impressive post, very well written. Second, thank you for writing this as it confirms something I'm starting to realize about my own transition.  Right now I'm in that natal phase of my transition, haven't started HRT, making all the non-medical body mods I can right now while waiting impatiently to take the first medical steps.

The conflicts you describe, how they affect our daily lives and how we may not even understand ourselves really hit home for me.  Its something I have some anxiety about and you've provided the clarity that my anxious feelings are not unfounded. It's a realization that has come to me as transition is starting to morph from a mere fantasy on the horizon to the reality of my present day situation.

I really appreciate you sharing this because knowing there are others out there who deal with these same concerns on a daily basis tells me not only am I on the right track, but also that I can be successful.  My situation is not unique in that respect so it builds my confidence even as perhaps my anxiety grows just a bit.

Not in HRT, first therapy appointment Monday, but I have tits and a beard, from years of being obese (luckily just saying "I'm a girl, damn it" was enough to trigger a mindset that enables fast weight loss), so I relate the same anyway it'll only get worse before it gets better, my hope is a good sports bra will hide the fact that they aren't shrinking with me as I start HRT, I don't want to present until I've got a decent chance of passing, don't know if that's a good idea or not, it's weird to say that I'm not conflicted at all (anymore) about changing myself, but I want to still present as male while I work on the female presentation... I feel like it'll be accepted more easily if I go from terrible male presentation to a pretty reasonable facsimile of a woman than if I go from reasonable facsimile of a man to a terrible female presentation, lol

It really is a great journey and sometimes a scary one. Puberty is an apt description. It is so amazing to see yourself change and to feel better as you do. Personally although i dressed androgynous for years i never felt anything but "mainly feminine" I'd love to know more non-binary or genderfluid people to get their take on it all.

One thing for sure though, someone said that our bodies in the in between stage, prior to SRS are androgynous. I disagree. Some women have penises as the saying goes and i think we need to be sensitive to the fact that SRS is not always the goal and whole women can consist of any sort of body

I can't wait until that "in-between" state, but at this point I still have to present entirely as my male self. However I don't want to start hrt or whatever and start changing and work getting suspicious of stuff going on. Then my life will get really difficult, and this town may actually become dangerous for me.

What scares me the most is "coming out", changing scenery and not being able to find a job and being stuck and alone.