I'll try to keep this post short but I always fail so sorry in advance for rambling.

For those who haven't seen my posts over the years I'll give you some brief background, I came out 6 yrs ago. It took 2 yrs for the GIC to prescribe HRT mainly because I cannot wear make up (apparently I wasn't making enough effort to present as female).
I decided to not insist that my mum uses my female name or female pronouns as I wanted her to come to terms with my transition in a timeframe that she was comfortable with, late last year she was still using my old male name so I insisted that she see a gender therapist about her not using my real name. She does love me, she frequently visits with food parcels & if any of her female exchange students leave clothes when they return home she brings the clothes around for me to decide if I want them before she takes the clothes to a charity shop so she is trying & does care.

Now for the real moaning part, I had to phone her last week to ask for a lift to the vets with my dog. She was working with one of her staff members & whilst on the phone she started to tell the staff member who she was speaking to, when she got to using a name she clearly didn't know what name to use, after hesitating for a few seconds she used my old male name. It's clear that she hasn't told people that i'm trans & I find this very insulting. I now feel like I'm the families shamefull secret.

Less than a week later we went out for a meal for her birthday, as we sat at the table my stepdad said to my neice "you can get the menus as you're the only other female here" I said nothing at the time for two reasons, firstly I didn't want to ruin my mums birthday, secondly I'd lost my dog only days before & was still far to emotional to tackle this problem calmly.

I'd like to ask you all, how long did you give your family to accept your transition before putting your foot down? If you had to put your foot down how did you approach this powder keg of a subject?

If you read this far then thank you very much

Jayne

I only have a sister and a niece that accept me. I'd say as a personal opinion not necessarily valid in your situation, but I'd say your well past the point for you to have to deal with this.

Is your name legally changed? If so, put the paperwork in front of her. Let her see the words rather than hear them. Firmly tell her that you're serious about this, and you expect people to use your proper legal name.

If your name isn't changed, well, get on it then follow the steps above!

Hugs, Devlyn

This does seem rather deliberate, she's choosing which name to call you based on avoiding personal discomfort and denial.   Not even using vagueness to conceal, eg, she could have said, "just talking to my favorite delinquent" or some other name and genderless representation.

otoh, no one can tell you the best course, they are your family, warts and all.    I'm kinda in the non-confrontation basket though, so I'd never push mine to any overt response, unless at some point, if they notice something curious and ask honest questions.   

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 16, 2016, 06:46:10 AM
Is your name legally changed? If so, put the paperwork in front of her. Let her see the words rather than hear them. Firmly tell her that you're serious about this, and you expect people to use your proper legal name.

If your name isn't changed, well, get on it then follow the steps above!

Hugs, Devlyn

The first thing I did after coming out was changing my name by deed poll, I even gave her a spare one "for safekeeping" She uses my legal name around me & family but still uses my male name with her staff (& probably everyone else).

She doesn't use female pronouns though & last year tried telling me this is because I don't fit her view of being female which seems rooted in the 60's

Regardless if you have changed your name legally or not, it is your human right to self determine on how you want to be called. Since you have changed it legally, then I would choose NOT to answer if your mother dead names you. After all, it isn't you. Hope this helps!

Sorry to hear your mum's still struggling with this, especially in light of recent events.

I gave my family 6 months before I started putting my foot down with them. That's plenty of time for them to get used to it, and anything longer is just sheer belligerence on their part. Look at it this way: we as a society already have an established procedure for people changing their names, in that women often change their surnames when they get married. When that happens, she announces her new surname and everyone else is expected to just get used to it. On average, it takes people about 6 months or so to get used to the fact that Miss Smith is now known as Mrs Jones, so we should expect the exact same respect and courtesy when we change our names.

So that's the benchmark I used. I corrected my family every single time for the first 6 months, and after that I warned them that I do not and will not answer to my previous name & pronouns. I told them that the conversation would be over if they slipped... and I stuck to it. So the next time it happened, I just calmly ignored them & walked out of the room. If they tried it on the phone, I instantly hung up on them. Eventually I told them that if they ever call me 'she' to my face, I will lift up my shirt and show them my top surgery scars & hairy chest, so they can see for themselves just how much of a 'she' I am. They got the message pretty darn quickly. Now they only misgender me behind my back (which is really douchey of them tbh) but at least if they're not doing it to my face, it doesn't have to hurt me. I count that as a win.

I honestly believe that the longer we put up with people 'slipping up', or the more we try to make accommodations for people who claim to be trying but aren't really - the worse we make things for everyone involved, including them. If we allow them to persist in misgendering us, we're telling them that their old view of us is still valid and that we're in the wrong about who we are. You may think you're doing your mum a kindness by giving her lots of time to adjust, but 6 years is waaaay more than enough time for her to get her head around anything (she could earn a PhD in that time!) so it's not time that she needs to break her out of this cycle. What she needs is a line drawn in the sand, beyond which she may not go. Do it kindly, but tell her in no uncertain terms that her fictitious view of you can no longer be humoured and she has to use the correct name & pronouns every time she speaks to you or about you.

You are not a shameful secret, and you need to tell her to stop treating you like one. What's more important: what the neighbours think, or her daughter's wellbeing? She needs to accept that she has a daughter named Jayne and that's that - so when she talks about you she needs to talk about you in those terms at all times. As for that dinner thing with the menus? I know you were upset & it probably wasn't the right time, but under different circumstances I'd have stood up and got them myself, making a point of saying 'well as I'm a woman too I'll fetch them!'. (Although I do wonder why it should be a woman's job to fetch a menu - what century is your stepdad from?).

Yeah i agree with others time to lovingly lower the boom on them. Mis-gendering you and mis-naming you out of fear of embarrassment time is over, they need to step up and support the person they love, regardless of what their ideas of gender are.

Doing the same in a probably passive-agressive comment like your stepdad said is even worse and that stuff should end now. It's time for them to grow up in my opinion.

I transitioned and went full time 2 years and 3 month ago. I tried to let everyone get adjusted.  I put my foot down just a week ago. 

The time helped some.  It hurt some. It jet my marriage.  But it is over.  I should have done it a year or so ago.

You have Waite long enough.

Hugs

Jen

I'd call 6 years pretty passively agressive. And your step father is an insensitive jerk. I knew of a woman who simply ignored anyone that dead named her or used  male pronouns. She claimed it's quite effective if you stick to your guns. I'd say ftmdiaries is probably right on with his advice. Time to take some damned respect since it isn't being given freely.

mine was like 3 months and my friends were my family (awful family i bailed on when i was 17) and i decided  if they couldn't get on board by then,  i was better off starting my new life without them.  side note ive always been a cold person when it comes to transition.  i hope it gets easier for you if you want to talk im here:)

Hello Jayne ,

I am sorry for the loss of your dog. I am away from home the past 7 days and miss my dog so much.

I legally changed my name in June to Rachel. My wife and daughter use my dead name as well as my brother in law. The divorce will be final in October. My daughter will be at school for the next 3 years with breaks being at her mothers. I will request she use my name if she visits, which I doubt. My wife wanted me to postpone ffs 2 months so she would never have to see me again. When my wife moves out will be the time I will only accept my name and gender from them.

My brother in law uses my old name and wrong gender. My sister and her 4 children use my name and gender. My brother's widow and her child uses my name and gender.

In 5 weeks my sister said she will be with me for ba and GCS. I look forward to spending time with her. So how should I handle her husband? I chose to gently correct him, for now. In 5 weeks or probably a few months longer if it continud I will be firm with him.

Jayne, your situation has many facids, from previous posts. I would have a heart to heart with your mom and tell her how much it hurts you and ask for 100 % effort. Then if there are honest slip ups then reminders. Every situation is different and everyone handles things differently.

I don't have a lot of family left and those who are in my life call me Jane.

Except my mom and she doesn't talk to me anymore.

IMO it's time for those folks to get on the Jayne Train!

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Things have gone from bad to worse, I had a call from my mum a few days ago. Even though my facebook profile is locked down for maximum privacy it turns out that my brother has either let my mum use his facebook profile or is telling her about my posts. My brother has been removed from my facebook account.
When I got home on the day of her birthday I posted this on my facebook profile:

I've just had a horrible day, I had to go out for a meal for my mums birthday when all I want to do is sit indoors crying. This is the first time I've left the house since Poopie passed away & it broke my heart when I returned home. Instead of being greeted by a hyperactive hound I was greeted by silence & the most profound feeling of emptiness & loneliness that I've ever experienced

Apparently my mum is offended by this post & the fact that in my grieving state I forgot to wish her a happy birthday. I kinda went batcrap crazy & started listing just a few of the insults I've put up with from her & my stepdad. From deadnaming to misgendering, I told her that i'm seriously offended that she refuses to tell people about me being trans thus showing more concern about other people than her own flesh & blood. Her response was to tell me i'm selfish & apparently I expect everything to be about me. . .  If I did expect everything to be about me i'd have put my foot down about 5 yrs ago with regards to deadnaming etc..

We haven't spoken since & I refuse to phone her, I've tolerated being insulted for years & she is the one who needs to apologise.
On top of losing my dog, my very best friend ever I now face losing what is left of my family. As a result of this added stress I had to see a gp yesterday & get a prescription for sleeping tablets after being awake for 4 days straight.
I honestly don't know how much more I can take

QuoteI honestly don't know how much more I can take

All they can dish out. The forces of the universe give you what you want once it see's you will not settle for anything else. That's a universal truth. Be strong and carry on. Eventually you will win out!

Foot went down when I went 24/7 as part of the SOC. The wrong pronouns and such were not part of my life any longer. Either they were on board or I'd look them up after the dust cleared. I did not need the distraction of dealing with their drama. This was going to happened, like it or not.

I gave my family a year and a half of only gentle prodding and reminders.  I'm still pretty understanding about pronoun slip up, as long as people correct themselves I'm fine with it.  However with many of my family members it's a case of absolutely zero effort put forth to use my, now legal, name and pronouns.

As such I've unfortunately lost touch with a lot of my immediate family.  They just weren't really making an effort, so I finally had to just stop expectation that they'd be a part of my life and get on with my life.  If any of them come around and want to be a part of my life then I'll welcome them with open arms.  However I just couldn't continue to be hurt by their behavior and actions.

I came out to my family 6 months ago.  I'm full-time for several months now.  Legal name change complete.

My mom still calls me by my birth name.  My dad doesn't talk to me at all.  My sister tries really hard to avoid using my name or any pronouns (male or female) whatsoever.

I have told them that I love them and will be patient with them.  I told them to take as long as they need to adjust.  I said it is totally ok for them to use wrong pronouns and old names for as long as they feel comfortable doing so, even if that means forever.

I love them, and they love me.  Their actions show that they still love me, and that is what's most important to me.  I will be as patient and as loving as possible.  I say nothing when they misgender me or deadname me.  I have never put my foot down and never intend to do so.

Interestingly, they have actually started calling me "daughter" and "sister" every once in a while.  Mixed in with references to my old name too.  This is just my perspective, but hearts and minds are always changed with love and patience, not with demands.  And to me, this holds true for new names and new pronouns too.

I did, however, make it clear that in public and within earshot of other people, it might be awkward (for all of us) if they used wrong pronouns and deadnames. 

Quote from: EmilyMK03 on September 27, 2016, 02:03:12 PM
I came out to my family 6 months ago.  I'm full-time for several months now.  Legal name change complete.

My mom still calls me by my birth name.  My dad doesn't talk to me at all.  My sister tries really hard to avoid using my name or any pronouns (male or female) whatsoever.

I have told them that I love them and will be patient with them.  I told them to take as long as they need to adjust.  I said it is totally ok for them to use wrong pronouns and old names for as long as they feel comfortable doing so, even if that means forever.



I love them, and they love me.  Their actions show that they still love me, and that is what's most important to me.  I will be as patient and as loving as possible.  I say nothing when they misgender me or deadname me.  I have never put my foot down and never intend to do so.

Interestingly, they have actually started calling me "daughter" and "sister" every once in a while.  Mixed in with references to my old name too.  This is just my perspective, but hearts and minds are always changed with love and patience, not with demands.  And to me, this holds true for new names and new pronouns too.

I did, however, make it clear that in public and within earshot of other people, it might be awkward (for all of us) if they used wrong pronouns and deadnames. 

Course, the difference here is your family respects you and is showing their support. The OP is living with passive aggressive nonsense that shows a complete and total disrespect for her and the life she's chosen to live. My wife can refer to me by my dead name forever if she needs to. I don't care because in every other way she's being supportive. Some of us are blessed.......others, not so much. So it goes. No sense to be made of it.

Quote from: Jane Emily on September 21, 2016, 11:02:23 PM
I don't have a lot of family left and those who are in my life call me Jane.

Except my mom and she doesn't talk to me anymore.

IMO it's time for those folks to get on the Jayne Train!

This is such a tough one. In the TV series, West Wing, President Bartlet's father can't seem to call his son Mr. President. How long will the President give dad to get used to the idea?

Far fetched? Maybe. We are not the nation's chief executive and yet we understand something about respect. I had to decide if others could not remember to respect me, then what in blazes was i doing hanging out with them no matter who they were.

My therapist once said: people will treat you the way you demand to be treated. I decided to demand it and woe be onto someone who was not on board. With friends who can't respect you, who needs enemies?