Hello!

So I'm only just starting on this adventure still pre-everything. Still in limbo between cities, but looking at going to a doc asap to get me a referral to the good stuff. I have nobody I can really talk to atm, so excuse the text wall. 

About 5 months ago I started wondering about who I was. Like major 'mid'-life crisis. I've always had problems with depression, social anxiety and self-esteem issues. I was also seriously bullied for all 18 years of school. I threatened to attempt suicide a couple of times (not actually going through with it, just a cry for help).

I'd never really thought about who I was before. I've inherited PCOS from my mother. She had gestational diabetes while pregnant with me...sooo I've always been hairier than the other girls - I was convinced for the longest time that they actually shaved their arms and I was the norm. Anyway with the PCOS came facial hair. My first inkling of realisation was that I rather liked it and would let it grow out so long when I didn't need to leave the house (shaving out of habitual fear of harrassment). Then I wondered why as a 'nice girl' I didn't hate it. I did some searches and looked at some youtubers. Thought lots. Made a list of questions. Did more searches to answer them. Thought some more. Then I found one blog that mentioned a later realisation, not the popular 'known since I was born'. I'm not saying that those people aren't right - just not everybody was that early.

Reflected on my childhood (only child). The times I tried to copy my father shaving. The time I snuck into the woodshed with scissors and cut my hair, coming inside to look in a mirror and exclaiming with delight 'I look like a boy!' [cue mother's scream...it was a reeeeally bad cut XD]. The endless hours of playing with my matchbox cars - my mother ended up getting me some dolls 'cause she felt guilty. Telling my mother I'd rather be a boy - her noncomittal answer that 'boys have problems too'. The awkward attempts to pee standing up through a toilet roll liner - needless to say a cardboard STP isn't up to even a childs bladder. The recurrent dream I had from around the age of 5 up till I was 14 where I was a man in a gay relationship. The role play as a man with my lifesize female doll...erm...yes... The extreme shame about my body when I hit puberty. There was no way in hell you could convince me to change in the changing-room rather than the changing-room toilet for PE class.

Looking back it kinda seems obvious. When I came out to my parents, they weren't particularly suprised...

I met my current and only boyfriend in my second to last year of school. We've been together for around 8 years now, but he's not confident it'll last out my transition. Guess we'll see. Problem is he's very straight, and well I'm not. Well...anyway.

I've had problems with my weight and overeating since moving in with my boyfriend 5 years ago. Atm I'm overweight and have PCOS - is that likely to effect my chances on getting on T sooner than later?

siiigh It feels better to talk.

Hi there,

Welcome! It is really interesting to me to look back at my life through this kind of "trans" lens and think about all the points in time where it was excruciatingly obvious that I wasn't cis. My parents were also not shocked when I came out (I think they were possibly even relieved because it made so much more sense).

As far as your question regarding weight, PCOS and T: The choice of whether or not to prescribe any medication to you is up to your doctor. Those two things by themselves and together are not deal breakers, but most doctors will want to know that you're taking care of yourself. Since many guys gain weight on T, they'd want you to fully understand that that is a possible effect and know that to avoid that you'd need to change your eating habits and consider exercise. I did have PCOS pre-T and my doctor was not concerned about it. T actually improved a lot of the symptoms I was experiencing. Nothing was exacerbated by T by the time I got a hysterectomy (it was for bottom surgery reasons, not because of any PCOS-related complications). Obviously YMMV, but my experience seems to be very similar with other guys on the board.

Hope that helps!

Hey Yewboy!

Reading your thread reflected a lot of my own things. I don't have PCOS, but I am overweight and pre T. Since realizing I am trans, and feeling the need to transition, I've started exercising five days a week. I found motivation to get in shape, based entirely off of my want to be on T and have top surgery while being healthy. Maybe that could help you too? I have started out slow with my working out, only doing fifteen to thirty minutes a day, but it is definitely helping.

If you ever need to talk, you are in the right place. Don't hesitate to send me a message either. I don't really have anyone but the forums either.

Thanks for the replies ^^

Since realising I'm trans I've already lost some weight  . Concurrent with my vastly improved self-esteem, packing and binding I've been able to just wear a t-shirt in public now - as opposed to permanent jackets (even in the height of summer).

I'm on track to continuing to lose weight. I was just worried I'd go to the doc and be flatly turned away or treated for my weight rather than transition. Especially since my weight is a symptom of dysphoria. Guessing I'm going to need to go doctor shopping either way.

I don't intend to have top surgery till I'm at a healthy weight, not only for the obvious medical reasons but also for a better aesthetic post-op.

Cheers!
Ewan

My weight is also caused from my dysphoria. I am hoping to see a therapist soon, but probably won't be able to get on T until I lose more weight. I too don't want top surgery till I am a healthy weight, aesthetic reasons, healing purposes, and because I am betting losing weight will make me go down a cup or so.

I am actually planning (we will see if I stick to it) to lose all of my weight before I start T. That way no one can ask "are you only wanting to do this because men lose weight easier?" lol!

Good luck on your journey! I am really happy to hear that you are already doing better since finding out who you are. I know that feeling too.

I'm overweight because of multiple medical conditions that greatly limit what exercise I can do and being on medications that cause weight gain, and that didn't effect me being able to start T at all. Neither the doctor or therapist I saw even mentioned it. I also have PCOS, and T hasn't caused any problems with it, if anything it's better since I started T.

Hi Ewan!

It's always interesting to hear other people's stories, I think we all have a lot in common when it comes to early signs of trans-ness. I certainly have some similar stories from my own childhood (a lot of terrible self-inflicted haircuts lol).

I must say I envy your natural hairiness! I'm a very blond and genetically un-hairy person, somebody seriously asked me if I shaved my legs the other day (I never have, but my body hair is basically invisible).

I'm on the lighter end of normal weight and don't know much about PCOS so I can't really help with those things. But as a young, fully out but pre-anything-medical, only child, bisexual trans boy, I feel like I could probably give you some advice/support and I'm definitely here if you want a chat, so PM me if you like

Good luck with everything,

Jay

Oh, I'm blond too. No eyebrows of note.

Kids at school used to point out that my legs sparkled in sunlight. Last time I ever wore a skirt. XD

Haha so relatable! My avatar is not me obviously but about the right skin tone :/